Would you report your friend?

I'm in a dilemma and would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions.

I have some good friends who had a wee girl 4 months ago.  (To make it easier to explain, I'll call them Sarah and Paul)  Last week I was at their place and I saw Paul smack their baby when she was crying.  It wasn't ultra-hard or anything, but it made Baby cry much harder.  Sarah was having a quick shower so Paul was left holding the baby & I guess he wasn't coping.  He didn't know I was watching.  I went to him and asked "Did you just smack baby?" and he replied "Yeah, she wouldn't stop crying."  The way he said it, he really seemed to believe that it was ok to smack her?!

I talked to him about it a bit later and he knows he has an anger problem.  He's currently going to anger management classes (just started).  They're also on a waiting list to do a parenting course soon.

When I talked to Sarah, she was horrified.  She's obviously angry at Paul and has decided to not leave Paul alone with Baby for the next wee while.  She also feels awful because she had a suspicion that Paul didn't cope very well with Baby on his own because Baby sometimes cried a lot with him and she thinks he has smacked her before.  They're gonna see what happens with Paul & anger management, and attend the parenting course.

Do you think this is ok for now, or do you think I need to tell someone that Paul smacked their baby?

For me it would depend on what Paul was like as a person. Is he an outwardly aggressive/angry person who can't control himself or did he show genuine remorse when you spoke him? I think you'll know in yourself if you feel as if they can handle the situation themselves or if you think it's going to escalate and become unmanageable. If it's the latter I would consider telling someone.

Firstly why is Paul going to anger management classes?
Does he beat Sarah?

Secondly was it a tap or a smack & what part of the body was it on & was it on bare skin? Not in anyway saying it is acceptable but want to know more before I put my option in.

Edited by jazzy

I would definately say something, I would be alarmed by someone smacking a 4month old baby for crying as thats just what they do. If it's not dealt with now, then who knows what could happen when this child is older and starts throwing the infamous toddler tantrums.

Your friend obviously knows he has anger problems and is attempting to address the problem (as he is too which is a good thing. It must be awful not be able to leave your child with your partner in fear of what could happen.

Good on you for saying something to them both

Tough situation, again - good on you for saying something to them both! We all do need to stick up for those who cant speak for themselves... But I know when I was in the sleep deprived state and DD just would NOT stop crying no matter what I did - I thought to myself, I dont agree with it (AT ALL), but part of me understands how people can get to breaking point... Again, not condoning the behaviour whatsoever, but maybe they need help in many different ways xxx

Wow, what a tough one. Good on you for speaking to them,

I agree with caliandjack, I think you should report it because it is these kinds of abuse against the helpless that escalates into serious abuse and the child becoming another statistic. I imagine it would be the end of your friendship though.

If she was horrified this would indicate that it is a first either that it happened or that she found out it happened and she is sufficiently concerned enough not to leave the baby alone with him again. He is doing anger management classes which will teach him some techniques. So will the parenting course once they get onto that.

I would be inclined to offer her/them support so that if things got worse she knows she can turn to someone for help/advise. It's a tough call though.

Do you think that you should talk to her first, say that I am going to report this and why, tell her it's to get the support she needs to look after the welfare of their baby? Let her know it's nothing against her parenting but more for the concern of getting her partner help? I would be more upset if something like that happened behind my back from a friend.

Thing is though that they are doing a parenting course, so they are being proactive but I think it's about keeping an eye on them and getting them support rather than dobbing him in.

You're in a damn it you do, damned if you don't situation really.

who are you looking at reporting it too? assaulting a child especially such a young child is serious, and im pretty sure if you reported it to CYFS then they will report it to the police and vice versa, personally i would report it as if he hits a four month old child in the presence of someone else then what on earth happens to that poor child when noone else is around, could you live with yourself if you didnt report it and then something happened to the child?

while i applaud them getting help why are they getting the help? If they sought the help themselves then likely they will get more out of it however if they are being told to get it then they may just be paying lip service and it may not change a thing.

Oh wow, sorry you've been put in this situation.

It depends on who my friendship was with, and how close we were but I'm pretty sure I would react more then asking if he hit the baby. There would be a few expletives. Have you seen bruising on the baby? Does the baby act scared/nervous or confused round her father? If so then he's done it before, and to fob it off like that I'm sorry but really?

I would report it that is innocence in a package there and no child should grow up knowing violence. Hitting a four month old is SO different to a smack to a toddler that just won't listen or flicking a han that won't stop touching. While these aren't ideal ways to drill in appropriate behaviours hitting a baby who knows no better is unacceptable!

My partner gets angry, sometimes at me but would never dream of hitting us and knows the minute he does his whole family would know and that would be it. I don't accept violence and there are better ways to get that anger/frustration/tension out. Go buy a boxing bag and gloves!

New Zealand needs to start looking out for the children it's disgusting the amount of children abused!

Eta: that yes you could potentially lose a friendship but if they can't understand why you reported it then it says alot. And it may turn out for the best. I'm Pretty sure cyfs will come round to do an interview with them and if they fel the child's not at risk then that willbe it if they think that the child is at a slight risk they may help action things for the couple and if there are bigger concerns they may ask the father to move out. If there is obvious signs then that is she baby will be removed. She might be asked if she feels capable of handling the situation. Do you see signs of abuse in her?

Good luck whatever you decide

Edited by HoneybunsMa