Would you report your friend?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=41394
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Topic: Would you report your friend?
Posted By: KirstyO
Subject: Would you report your friend?
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 1:39pm
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I'm in a dilemma and would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. I have some good friends who had a wee girl 4 months ago. (To make it easier to explain, I'll call them Sarah and Paul) Last week I was at their place and I saw Paul smack their baby when she was crying. It wasn't ultra-hard or anything, but it made Baby cry much harder. Sarah was having a quick shower so Paul was left holding the baby & I guess he wasn't coping. He didn't know I was watching. I went to him and asked "Did you just smack baby?" and he replied "Yeah, she wouldn't stop crying." The way he said it, he really seemed to believe that it was ok to smack her?! I talked to him about it a bit later and he knows he has an anger problem. He's currently going to anger management classes (just started). They're also on a waiting list to do a parenting course soon. When I talked to Sarah, she was horrified. She's obviously angry at Paul and has decided to not leave Paul alone with Baby for the next wee while. She also feels awful because she had a suspicion that Paul didn't cope very well with Baby on his own because Baby sometimes cried a lot with him and she thinks he has smacked her before. They're gonna see what happens with Paul & anger management, and attend the parenting course. Do you think this is ok for now, or do you think I need to tell someone that Paul smacked their baby? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: mrsmum
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 1:53pm
| Oooh that's a really hard one. I would be tempted to, especially if the man has a anger problem - it might shuffle them up the queue for the councelling quicker. |
Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:28pm
| For me it would depend on what Paul was like as a person. Is he an outwardly aggressive/angry person who can't control himself or did he show genuine remorse when you spoke him? I think you'll know in yourself if you feel as if they can handle the situation themselves or if you think it's going to escalate and become unmanageable. If it's the latter I would consider telling someone. |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:34pm
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Would I report my friend? 100%, without thinking twice, if I was worried about the baby. Whether I'd be worried about the baby in this instance, I'm not 100% sure. What's your gut instinct on it? -------------   
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:58pm
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Firstly why is Paul going to anger management classes?
Does he beat Sarah? Secondly was it a tap or a smack & what part of the body was it on & was it on bare skin? Not in anyway saying it is acceptable but want to know more before I put my option in. |
Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:21pm
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Mmm tough situation. Firstly, good on you for saying something to each of them and not just turning a blind eye.
I agree though that you are in the best situation to judge as you know them - go with your instinct. Best of luck  ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:35pm
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I would definately say something, I would be alarmed by someone smacking a 4month old baby for crying as thats just what they do. If it's not dealt with now, then who knows what could happen when this child is older and starts throwing the infamous toddler tantrums.
Your friend obviously knows he has anger problems and is attempting to address the problem (as he is too which is a good thing. It must be awful not be able to leave your child with your partner in fear of what could happen. Good on you for saying something to them both  ------------- 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:45pm
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You can call the family violence number annonymously if you prefer. That way they get the help they need.
Please please speak up letting this slide is why NZ has such terrible child abuse ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:47pm
Tough situation, again - good on you for saying something to them both! We all do need to stick up for those who cant speak for themselves... But I know when I was in the sleep deprived state and DD just would NOT stop crying no matter what I did - I thought to myself, I dont agree with it (AT ALL), but part of me understands how people can get to breaking point... Again, not condoning the behaviour whatsoever, but maybe they need help in many different ways xxx 
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 6:05pm
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What an swful position to be in.
I agree with M2K and caliandjack. I think it is great you spoke to them, really brave. And I totally understand how awful it is being sleep deprived, but hitting a 4 month old baby?? That is just not ok. Plus he must have some history if he is going to anger management classes. And the fact she thinks he has done it before and won't leave him alone with the baby, says it all to me. He/they obviously need help and are getting some but in the meantime...? If it was me, I would be speaking up for the baby and saying something. Good luck with your decision. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 7:09pm
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Wow, what a tough one. Good on you for speaking to them,
I agree with caliandjack, I think you should report it because it is these kinds of abuse against the helpless that escalates into serious abuse and the child becoming another statistic. I imagine it would be the end of your friendship though. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummymonster
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 7:16pm
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Gosh that's super tough. You could loose a friend over nothing, or you could be saving a child from abuse.
Sorry, no help. Maybe make some excuses to hang around with them a bit more? Go with your gut. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 8:22pm
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If she was horrified this would indicate that it is a first either that it happened or that she found out it happened and she is sufficiently concerned enough not to leave the baby alone with him again. He is doing anger management classes which will teach him some techniques. So will the parenting course once they get onto that.
I would be inclined to offer her/them support so that if things got worse she knows she can turn to someone for help/advise. It's a tough call though. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 8:15am
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Very tough call as others have said you may end up losing a friend if you report it but then if things got really bad something might happen to the baby.
I would like to say I would report it, if you do report it I hope your friend understands why you did it. I do hope that it isn't serious and just a blip and you happened to be there to witness it. It is all about what might happen and that you might at the moment be in the position to stop something serious happening to the baby. I hope everything works out for your friends and their baby. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 8:31am
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Do you think that you should talk to her first, say that I am going to report this and why, tell her it's to get the support she needs to look after the welfare of their baby? Let her know it's nothing against her parenting but more for the concern of getting her partner help? I would be more upset if something like that happened behind my back from a friend.
Thing is though that they are doing a parenting course, so they are being proactive but I think it's about keeping an eye on them and getting them support rather than dobbing him in. You're in a damn it you do, damned if you don't situation really. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Red
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 12:15pm
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Yes I def would, doesn't matter what the circumstances are it is just not on! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: notenufchaos
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 12:54pm
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who are you looking at reporting it too? assaulting a child especially such a young child is serious, and im pretty sure if you reported it to CYFS then they will report it to the police and vice versa, personally i would report it as if he hits a four month old child in the presence of someone else then what on earth happens to that poor child when noone else is around, could you live with yourself if you didnt report it and then something happened to the child?
while i applaud them getting help why are they getting the help? If they sought the help themselves then likely they will get more out of it however if they are being told to get it then they may just be paying lip service and it may not change a thing. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 1-25/05/2008 DD 2-2/2/2010 |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 2:08pm
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I agree report it, the child is only 4 months old.So little and vunerable.
What will he do when the child is 18 months or 2 years old and starts exploring and testing the boundaries as every child does and should.Can the dad cope with that??? If a person believes in smacking they will keep smacking because they think there is nothing wrong with it.They think it is o.k and the right thing to do. He gave you a reason for smacking the child " she was crying too much". That is not a reason there is no reason for smacking. His answer sets off alarm bells. He needs help now before it's too late. ACT. I would, this is a child a helpless child not a adult who can fight back. -------------  
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 3:47pm
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Oh wow, sorry you've been put in this situation.
It depends on who my friendship was with, and how close we were but I'm pretty sure I would react more then asking if he hit the baby. There would be a few expletives. Have you seen bruising on the baby? Does the baby act scared/nervous or confused round her father? If so then he's done it before, and to fob it off like that I'm sorry but really? I would report it that is innocence in a package there and no child should grow up knowing violence. Hitting a four month old is SO different to a smack to a toddler that just won't listen or flicking a han that won't stop touching. While these aren't ideal ways to drill in appropriate behaviours hitting a baby who knows no better is unacceptable! My partner gets angry, sometimes at me but would never dream of hitting us and knows the minute he does his whole family would know and that would be it. I don't accept violence and there are better ways to get that anger/frustration/tension out. Go buy a boxing bag and gloves! New Zealand needs to start looking out for the children it's disgusting the amount of children abused! Eta: that yes you could potentially lose a friendship but if they can't understand why you reported it then it says alot. And it may turn out for the best. I'm Pretty sure cyfs will come round to do an interview with them and if they fel the child's not at risk then that willbe it if they think that the child is at a slight risk they may help action things for the couple and if there are bigger concerns they may ask the father to move out. If there is obvious signs then that is she baby will be removed. She might be asked if she feels capable of handling the situation. Do you see signs of abuse in her? Good luck whatever you decide ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: fattykat
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 3:54pm
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I would report it and the reality is you will probably lose your friendship but if something more happened how would you feel.
Its a awful situation to be put in but smacking a 4 month of baby is not on. Babies cry, its what they do sometimes and as a father he needs to be able to accept this without anger. |
Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 26 January 2012 at 8:59pm
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Hi Jazzy Paul doesn't hit Sarah, but hes come close to it a few times. Small things set him off easily and Sarah was concerned about it, now that they have baby. So Sarah asked him to go & he agreed. It was an open-handed smack on baby's thigh - she was sitting in her car capsule at the time. It was bare skin and was a bit red afterwards.
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jazzy wrote:Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 26 January 2012 at 9:15pm
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts, its really good reading different viewpoints and opinions. I talked with Sarah - she is devastated and feels like she has to choose between 2 people she loves. But she wants to give him a chance and is hoping the am classes and upcoming parenting course will help him. We talked about letting CYFs know of our concerns and that they would likely help them in their parenting. But she is really struggling with 'getting him in trouble' and 'being in the CYFs system' as she believes he wont do it again and is working toward being a better Dad. I really think that their 4 month old needs to be protected tho. She can't protect herself. So I'm gonna hold off for now, but keep a close eye on them. And Sarah knows I'll be 'spying' and is happy with that. She agreed that if anything happens again we'll let someone know. What a tough situation. Argh. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 27 January 2012 at 9:08am
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Kirsty I think you have done a fantastic job by getting involved & telling them you are going to do what is best for the baby.
I can understand her concern about having the authorities involved but if the father is not coping & taking it out on he baby then they really do need outside help. Its a tough situation for all to be in but that baby is the number one concern. Too many people would look away & not get involved & because you did the situation may be a lot different now...always go with your gut feeling. 
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Posted By: KirstyO
Date Posted: 27 January 2012 at 9:14am
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Thanks Jazzy, and everyone else, for the support
------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 27 January 2012 at 9:16am
Agreed! Very tough situation, but I think you are handling it really well by talking to them, letting them know what you plan to do and that you will be keeping an eye on them. ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: _Soda_
Date Posted: 28 January 2012 at 12:12pm
wow you are an amazing, amazing friend for being so upfront with them, and its great your friend does understand- although its awful for her, but by being so honest and putting the child first, im sure she knows you will support her in doing whats best for baby. i think you are totally doing the right thing hun too many people turn a blind eye when things like this happens, its so nice to know there are people out there who are advocates for our children and not afraid to speak up.  ------------- My little miracle 6/1/2011 My angel in Heaven 9/5/14 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 28 January 2012 at 12:16pm
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Hope it all works out - I would like to say thank you to you for keeping an eye out for the baby and Sarah you seem like an amazing friend and that you and Sarah have a great friendship that you can discuss the situation together.
We do need more people out in the community keeping an eye on the children and others who are in difficult situations. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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