What to do when your DH doesnt want to BD

Oh emma, I'm sorry to hear that :(
We go through similar patterns with my DH sometimes.... We have already had one IVF which didn't work, and I have started charting so that I can work out when the BEST possible chance is to BD just in case the natural way works for us while we wait for the next IVF.... but we do some times get into an argument the exact night we should be BD'ing or one of us or both will be feeling really tired and don't end up doing it and the next morning when I see my temp go up I get so upset that we missed our time again :(

DH knows the theory of BD'ing every 2 days leading up to OV but he doesn't knwo when exactly I ov (I mean I don't either until it's been and gone!!)...so I'm thinking maybe I should teach him to read the chart so he can see it every day and know that we both need to try and be good and not argue and spoil the mood!

It definitely is the stress of TTC and nothing to do with them not wanting the bub or not wanting to try hard.... it's just hard when the spontaneuty is taken out of it and you are told to take your pants off! hahaa and obviouslly TTC puts a lot of pressure on the relationship as a whole...not just in the bedroom...you both have ups and downs, get more anxiety and feel more sad when you know you've missed your chance or could've had just one more BD and you didn't...

I think important thing is you keep taking about it, tell him you don't want to put the pressure on and dont blame him for things but explain how upset you feel when you know you didn't do it at the right time...that you then have to wait another month! I think when you have a good stable relationship outside of the bedroom, try to keep stress levels down for both of you, things seem to work out a lot better...but it's hard work :(

good luck hun!

Hugs Emma, it is increadably hard sometimes eh!
DH and I are going through a simmilar thing, we dont fight but we are both sooooo over TTC !!
Its hard to add spontaneity when you cant shut out TTC its on my mind 24/7 and will be untill that day comes when I get my BFP.

I really dont have any advice I can give because Im sort of lost ATM too but just wanted to post to say your not alone!

Best of luck hun and GL with your appointment, mabey when you have a plan things will start becoming easier ??

xx

I simply didn't tell Dh when I was ov'ing or why I was initiating BD I just made sure I did my best to seduce him at the right time. Sometimes I had to get creative in the end it seemed to work for us.
After 13 months of TTC we conceived DD over Valentine's Day weekend.

Hey Emma, that sucks and I definitely know how you feel. When you say "it doesn't work out" do you mean "physically"? If you know what I mean? There's always drugs for that

On the whole simply not feeling like it or being too tired, we just do it and get it over with sometimes to be honest. We don't do it too much after ov so that we feel more like it during the "fertile window".

Hi girls, Nither DH and I have an overly high sex drive we are happy with once in a while lol what ever that will be sometimes once a week sometimes once a month! Just depends.(everyday on OV week) We are trying for a baby and yes it can be very hard not to end up in a fight if I know I'm oV and he just "dont feel like it" he works very long hours which is'nt helping but we save our BD'ing for the week or so around OV and yip sometimes it's simply to get the job done lol but thats ok it's still a nice time to share anyway.

I would maybe just wait till that week of OV and let him know, that this is the week! Hopefully by leaving it only till that week you won't burn out and if you let him know, then he will know that it's important to you so will not turn you down. I guess the risk you take is that it might make it more of "job" than for fun but I guess making babies is a job in a way good luck babe and your not alone!

Edited by Topkat

Thanks ladies for the support! I think the best thing to do is just leave the ball in his court, so to speak. Let him just decide when BD is right for him, but i will let him know when the week to BD is coming up. Doesn't help that i have a really high sex drive!

Thanks Again!

We had a similar issue, my partner was found to have issues with his "ejaculation system", which meant our chance of BFP naturally was very low, and this had a major impact on his desire to BD. It turned out that he was having issues with his masculinity and when we needed to BD it let to him having negative thoughts around this. Once we talked about this it had a huge improvement, although we still needed ICSI to get get a BFP.

This may not be an issue for your partner - but just throwing it in the mix Good luck!

Aww hugs Emma I tried telling him it was ovday and we "have" to do it and that always ended up with the "I'm not a machine" answer, then u tried leaving it up to him and we just bd whenever he iniated but yeah that was umm never sooo finally what worked was me telling him it's ov week and we need to bd at least 4-5 times but let him decide wen those times were! The 2nd month we did we got our bfp;)

Im not quite sure what to say except that I expect the stress of it all is probably the reason why he's not keen to BD/BD at the 'right' time. He's probably struggling with it being an issue with him, too, it probably affects his perception of himself.

Have you thought about maybe having a chat with a counsellor together? The reason I say that is because you mentioned being worried about the issues you're having not going away when you do have a baby, and it's really important to be in a good place when you do have baby as its probably the most stressful thing you'll do together in your life, as well as the most wonderful of course- having a baby nearly broke us and we had a great marriage before, so I do really reccomend that you work on your relationship as well :)

Maybe, since you might need IVF to conceieve as you say, maybe you need to just stop charting for a while, stop talking about it at all, and just try and work on the relationship and bringing some of that love for eachother back and BD when the mood strikes? Take some time for yourselves as a couple, go on dates, see if you can get that romantic spark back again and make sure the you without a baby is as good as it can be, so that when baby does come it's even better? We took a year to conceive DS and sex had become such a chore such a task to be done and it was just crap to be honest, so I really feel for you as Im sure if it had gone on longer it would have been a lot worse.

Hope I don't offend you in any way, the way I see it is just that if you're not BDing at the right time because of fighting/stress/pressure, maybe you'd actually have a better chance of BDing at the right time when you're just letting the mood take you and it happens every few days or so? Just a thought anyway. I do believe that I conceived DS because I stopped forcing the issue. I know it's different in your case but Im sure it doesn't help anyone.

Hope that helps and good luck with the IVF I cant wait to see you get your BFP

I found DF didnt like to know when we needed to BD so I would um seduce him (to put it nicely )

My advice would be to ask him if he wants to know. Then find out what he um 'likes' and go from there. Even if DF wasnt in the mood I could always 'talk' him into it lol