What to do when your DH doesnt want to BD
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39750
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Topic: What to do when your DH doesnt want to BD
Posted By: CarleyRose
Subject: What to do when your DH doesnt want to BD
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 8:07am
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Hi All, just needed some advice please. DH and I got into another argument last night, we have been TTC since Sept 08, just over a month ago, we found out that DH has Sperm Antibodies so its unlikely that we will be able to Concieve Naturally. We do have an appointment with the FS soon to discuss IVF.
I don't know if its the pressure of TTC or him being on shift work sometimes or a combination of them both, but everytime it comes to us needing to BD it just doesn't work out, i am really running out of ideas now of how to make it less stressful, but all we end up doing is fighting about it. I don't feel like i can even bring it up anymore when we need to BD, i've tried leaving it to him to decide when to BD so we have better chances of conceiving but we just don't end up having sex. He tells me he really wants a bady, so i know he hasn't gone off the idea, i'm just frightened that if we get UTD its just not going to solve the problems we have in the relationship now. I would really appreciate it if someone could give me a bit of advice! TIA ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: SunshineWife
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 8:16am
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Oh emma, I'm sorry to hear that :(
We go through similar patterns with my DH sometimes.... We have already had one IVF which didn't work, and I have started charting so that I can work out when the BEST possible chance is to BD just in case the natural way works for us while we wait for the next IVF.... but we do some times get into an argument the exact night we should be BD'ing or one of us or both will be feeling really tired and don't end up doing it and the next morning when I see my temp go up I get so upset that we missed our time again :( DH knows the theory of BD'ing every 2 days leading up to OV but he doesn't knwo when exactly I ov (I mean I don't either until it's been and gone!!)...so I'm thinking maybe I should teach him to read the chart so he can see it every day and know that we both need to try and be good and not argue and spoil the mood! It definitely is the stress of TTC and nothing to do with them not wanting the bub or not wanting to try hard.... it's just hard when the spontaneuty is taken out of it and you are told to take your pants off! hahaa and obviouslly TTC puts a lot of pressure on the relationship as a whole...not just in the bedroom...you both have ups and downs, get more anxiety and feel more sad when you know you've missed your chance or could've had just one more BD and you didn't... I think important thing is you keep taking about it, tell him you don't want to put the pressure on and dont blame him for things but explain how upset you feel when you know you didn't do it at the right time...that you then have to wait another month! I think when you have a good stable relationship outside of the bedroom, try to keep stress levels down for both of you, things seem to work out a lot better...but it's hard work :( good luck hun! ------------- Me 27, DH 25 (MFI) IVF + ICSI March '11 BFN and no frosties |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 9:11am
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Thanks SunshineWife, its definately hard, and something we both have to work on, but it gets to the stage where we have the argument and then he changes his mind, then we BD and to tell the truth its not great at all, i thought having a baby was meant to be fun, but its just turning into something soo stressful it becomes unbearable! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: LadyBee
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 10:40am
Hugs Emma, it is increadably hard sometimes eh!
DH and I are going through a simmilar thing, we dont fight but we are both sooooo over TTC !! Its hard to add spontaneity when you cant shut out TTC its on my mind 24/7 and will be untill that day comes when I get my BFP. I really dont have any advice I can give because Im sort of lost ATM too but just wanted to post to say your not alone! Best of luck hun and GL with your appointment, mabey when you have a plan things will start becoming easier ?? xx ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 10:42am
Thanks LB, Cross fingers this ones your cycle! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 11:18am
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I simply didn't tell Dh when I was ov'ing or why I was initiating BD I just made sure I did my best to seduce him at the right time. Sometimes I had to get creative in the end it seemed to work for us.
After 13 months of TTC we conceived DD over Valentine's Day weekend. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 11:55am
Good advice CaliandJack, i do try not to tell him times, but then i get the i'm too tired, he may be tired but for example, i thought it would be a good time last night, so i tried my best to seduce him  and I just got i'm too tired and its probley not the right timeto be BD anyway, where are you in your cycle?, so i told him where i was etc and soon, but nup couldn't budge him, he goes on to night shift tonight, so he had this morning to lie in and sleep, i just don't get it, does he want a baby or not!
Sorry about my goings on!  ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 12:02pm
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Hey Emma, that sucks and I definitely know how you feel. When you say "it doesn't work out" do you mean "physically"? If you know what I mean? There's always drugs for that
On the whole simply not feeling like it or being too tired, we just do it and get it over with sometimes to be honest. We don't do it too much after ov so that we feel more like it during the "fertile window". |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 1:02pm
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Haha LR, nar hes gotnothing wrong with his man parts, they work just fine besides the antibodies!
We used to do it just to get it over with like you said LR but now its starting to get more stressed and we don't even bother. But i still get upset when AF comes, even though there is no way id be utd. It seems that we can BD fine when its not around OV, TBH thats not that much at all tho, and then as soon as it gets to OVing time he just thinks its too much of an effort!, id BD everyday if i new it was going to highten out chances of getting UTD, but i dont think DH sees it that way. ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Topkat
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 2:10pm
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Hi girls, Nither DH and I have an overly high sex drive we are happy with once in a while lol what ever that will be sometimes once a week sometimes once a month! Just depends.(everyday on OV week) We are trying for a baby and yes it can be very hard not to end up in a fight if I know I'm oV and he just "dont feel like it" he works very long hours which is'nt helping but we save our BD'ing for the week or so around OV and yip sometimes it's simply to get the job done lol but thats ok it's still a nice time to share anyway.
I would maybe just wait till that week of OV and let him know, that this is the week! Hopefully by leaving it only till that week you won't burn out and if you let him know, then he will know that it's important to you so will not turn you down. I guess the risk you take is that it might make it more of "job" than for fun but I guess making babies is a job in a way good luck babe and your not alone! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 2:55pm
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Sorry to hear of your issue Emma and totally get where you're coming from.
We don't argue over the bding (or rather haven't yet touch wood) but I feel we don't do enough at the right time. He's a real once a week is enough type of guy so I really have to pull out some tactics to get any more than that. I generally don't tell him its the right time as knowing him it'll be too much pressure so just try my best to make sure that if its only one time during that week its right on or day before ov (I get really strong ov pains so luckily I know without a doubt). Unfortunately I don't have any real sound proven advice other than my half-assed way of doing things...sorry. Like the others said I guess you just have to try and keep the lines of communication open to stop it becoming an even bigger issue. All the best :) ------------- TTC since Oct 2009 4 x DI's failed IVF1 CP & MC IVF2 CP IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 3:58pm
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Thanks ladies for the support! I think the best thing to do is just leave the ball in his court, so to speak. Let him just decide when BD is right for him, but i will let him know when the week to BD is coming up. Doesn't help that i have a really high sex drive!
Thanks Again! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 4:03pm
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I did jump DH once when he came home from work he thought I was mad. I was keen to try anything at that point, leaving to to chance hadn't worked.
The week leading up to when we conceived DD, we'd bd'd 3 times that week as I was determined not to miss that little eggie. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Edna
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 7:07pm
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We had a similar issue, my partner was found to have issues with his "ejaculation system", which meant our chance of BFP naturally was very low, and this had a major impact on his desire to BD. It turned out that he was having issues with his masculinity and when we needed to BD it let to him having negative thoughts around this. Once we talked about this it had a huge improvement, although we still needed ICSI to get get a BFP.
This may not be an issue for your partner - but just throwing it in the mix Good luck!
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Posted By: Hun
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 7:17pm
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argh emma i have the same problem - DH is working extra long hours at the moment so we can save some money and so he is always tired. I have been in tears a few nights when I really felt we needed to BD and he was just too tired, and then he just tells me that he's not a machine (which i totally understand but the other half of me can't help thinking that we HAVE to do it...)
It's so hard when you get so caught up in timing eh, but then its pretty much unavoidable too! ------------- [url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/] 
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Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 10:39pm
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Aww hugs Emma I tried telling him it was ovday and we "have" to do it and that always ended up with the "I'm not a machine" answer, then u tried leaving it up to him and we just bd whenever he iniated but yeah that was umm never sooo finally what worked was me telling him it's ov week and we need to bd at least 4-5 times but let him decide wen those times were! The 2nd month we did we got our bfp;) ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 8:15am
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Thats awesome snugglebear! I wish it was that easy for me hehe!
Sounds like your kinda the same as me Hun, i just seem to get in tears everytime i know we should BD but he doesn't want to! Have a good talk to him yesterday before he went on Night Shift, he said that we would take some time off work - have a mini holiday next time im about to OV, thats really nice, its nice hes trying to make an effort. Might jst give us what we need to relax again a little bit though. Thanks all for the support again, its good to know im not the only one out there having issues!!  ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 7:27pm
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Im not quite sure what to say except that I expect the stress of it all is probably the reason why he's not keen to BD/BD at the 'right' time. He's probably struggling with it being an issue with him, too, it probably affects his perception of himself.
Have you thought about maybe having a chat with a counsellor together? The reason I say that is because you mentioned being worried about the issues you're having not going away when you do have a baby, and it's really important to be in a good place when you do have baby as its probably the most stressful thing you'll do together in your life, as well as the most wonderful of course- having a baby nearly broke us and we had a great marriage before, so I do really reccomend that you work on your relationship as well :) Maybe, since you might need IVF to conceieve as you say, maybe you need to just stop charting for a while, stop talking about it at all, and just try and work on the relationship and bringing some of that love for eachother back and BD when the mood strikes? Take some time for yourselves as a couple, go on dates, see if you can get that romantic spark back again and make sure the you without a baby is as good as it can be, so that when baby does come it's even better? We took a year to conceive DS and sex had become such a chore such a task to be done and it was just crap to be honest, so I really feel for you as Im sure if it had gone on longer it would have been a lot worse. Hope I don't offend you in any way, the way I see it is just that if you're not BDing at the right time because of fighting/stress/pressure, maybe you'd actually have a better chance of BDing at the right time when you're just letting the mood take you and it happens every few days or so? Just a thought anyway. I do believe that I conceived DS because I stopped forcing the issue. I know it's different in your case but Im sure it doesn't help anyone. Hope that helps and good luck with the IVF I cant wait to see you get your BFP ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Mucky_Tiger
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 7:35pm
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i wonder if he's not in the mood if you could try the whole forceful dominatrix kinda thing...might turn some guys on
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 8:34pm
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I found DF didnt like to know when we needed to BD so I would um seduce him (to put it nicely )
My advice would be to ask him if he wants to know. Then find out what he um 'likes' and go from there. Even if DF wasnt in the mood I could always 'talk' him into it lol
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Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 04 July 2011 at 8:00pm
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I have so been where you are and its awful. I charted and we only BD once or at the most twice during my fertile time. We didn't even try to enjoy it but just got it over with and then tried to have fun sex at other times of the month. Sometimes it was too much pressure for DH and he couldn't perform.
I know it would be difficult and painful to stop trying for a while but I think it would be worth considering a ttc holiday for a couple of months. It would take the pressure off for you both. ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 06 July 2011 at 2:06pm
Haha MT, Might have to try that one! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Mucky_Tiger wrote:Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 06 July 2011 at 2:07pm
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Thanks again guys for your support! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: SunshineWife
Date Posted: 07 July 2011 at 2:50pm
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Uhh...this is such a timely topic! DH and I BD'd only 3 times last month and ONCE this month! I think I'm about to Ov (day 10 today but haven't noticed any ewcm yet...) and it's just NOT happening! He admitted feeling stressed and pressured the last month or so and we had a good chat last night...about things...that we need to 'schedule' it in however un-romantic it sounds...even when you are not trying for a baby...with busy lives we all live, getting stressed and tired...sometimes sex is the last thing you're thinking of when the head finally hit the pillow! So I said to him he can't bring work home and work till such late hours when I'm feeling exchausted and can't wait up for him anymore, and he can't do that to himself either...and that the longer we leave it, like if we haven't BD'd for a couple of weeks it then feels all weird and bumpy and awkward as if we forget HOW to do it! lol!
Last time it just 'didn't work' I felt so annoyed and frustrated for days (still do!) and it's wrong, cos I wanna be supportive of my DH, i don't want it to be like a cliche where because of fertility issues he is losing confidence in himself an then I go around blaming him and it makes the situation even worse ...just snowballing! So we decided to have this weekend off, not off BD'ing but off house chores, off thinking about stuff and planning and worrying...just gonna drive away somewhere nice for the weekend, relax, go for walks and have some quality time together...hopefully this takes our minds off the stress and brings us closer! Emma, hun how are you going? Did you have a chat with your DH? Have you decided whether you will be telling him the week you Ov or will you let it all happen naturally? ------------- Me 27, DH 25 (MFI) IVF + ICSI March '11 BFN and no frosties |
Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 07 July 2011 at 3:22pm
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Sunshine I fully agree about 'scheduling' in the BD even if not ttc because as a couple you have to work at keeping the relationship alive. If you don't then like you say with work, stress and life in general before you know it you've not had that special time for a couple mths...others may not agree.
Anyway I hope your weekend away proves helpful...enjoy it! ------------- TTC since Oct 2009 4 x DI's failed IVF1 CP & MC IVF2 CP IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 07 July 2011 at 3:58pm
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Hey Sunshinewife! I think as we are on the IVF bandwagon, its best to just let it happen when it happens, as much as it drives me crazy i figure at this point i mayaswell relax and hope it just happens!(having sex that is, not getting utd haha) But if we have to wait long for IVF (we are most likely going private, so hopefully not so long)then my thoughtsmight change!
We tried the scheduling ti in aswell SW and Babycrazy! It didn't work too good! DH still seemed tired and the sex was less than average. I heard that it increases your chances by 40% if you orgasm aswell, meant to suck up the sperm or something like that, but how can you Orgasm when that mood is so worng at times. ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 07 July 2011 at 8:10pm
Exactly the boys' problem I think. ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: PorterLou
Date Posted: 10 July 2011 at 8:16pm
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What a convenient thread - I've just posted something along these lines in another thread. We are only "seeing what happens" - so we're not actively trying, but we made the choice to stop taking the pill and let nature take its course. DF says he wants kids, but he has zero interest in BDing, whether for fun or otherwise. I'm tracking my cycle, so I know when I'm ov'ing, and I try to seduce him when I know its a good time, but I get a flat out no. He's stressed and tired and works nights, but we're lucky if we're doing it once every 6-8 weeks. Its getting ridiculous. Some days I hit the "should I stay or go" wall, and try to raise it, but DF says he's sorry and he's tired and s*x doesn't make the relationship.
I can't even imagine how much worse it must be when you're actually trying and knowing you've got so many issues. -------------   
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Posted By: Keira
Date Posted: 10 July 2011 at 8:48pm
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Hi ladies,
Well i have a slightly different take on it.Both DH and i have had 2 unplanned pregnancies each and to be honest it put us both off the idea of having another baby for years.I really felt i missed out on the part of 'planning a baby' and feel it is the most romantic thing in the world, to BD and know you could be making this wonderful miracle by doing so.Although we have both now decided we want a baby, DH has no idea how the female body works to be honest....and so i just dont bother telling him.For so many years we have both just had the thought that no contraception(or using it)will = a baby, and so its been more a fear than a thought if you kwim? I know my fertile time, and so i make certain we BD around then....as far as hes concerned its no different than it ever has been BDing when in the mood,so he doesnt feel any pressure. |