Do you only want one child?

I couldn't find a thread on this and wanted to know if there were any other parents like us...

DH and I have always wanted one child. We have been together 7 years, married for 5 (we are both 25) and before we even tried to get pregnant thought we would only want one.

After 10 months of trying we conceived and now Fergus is 6 weeks old this weekend.
He is an amazing baby- sleeps well, is basically what I would consider perfect!

DH and I have now decided (not just THINK) that we only want one. The decision feels so right to us, and we feel great about it.

Judgement from others is, to say the least, rude and inappropriate.
Firstly why do people ask parents of a newborn when we are having another one?!
And then, really it is nobody's business anyway!

I am sick of hearing about him being a spoilt child....blah blah.

Are there any other mums and dads like us? Anyone else decide to only have one child?

I think it's becoming more common to have just one nowadays? It's certainly logical career/money/lifestyle wise, but having said that there are still a lot that aren't used to that idea?

I loved the years we had with just the one, and yeah got over the comments.

I hope I wasn't rude the other day???

Couldn't resist replying to this...I'm in a different situation where I definitely want more than one for various reasons. I should disclose a slight conflict of interest here, in that I'm an only child, hated it, and want multiple kids, BUT...read on...

As far as I'm concerned, it is YOUR decision and none of anybody else's business, at ALL.

I'm an only child because Mum had severe early-onset pre-eclampsia with me and her BP never went down afterwards and it was suggested that she might not want to risk another pregnancy. So my parents stopped at one.

I got to grow up listening to people ask my parents "oh so you only have the ONE child" in a horrible judgemental nosy sort of tone and it used to infuriate me because 1) it's none of their business and 2) my parents would have loved more children I'm pretty sure and I suspect it must have just rubbed it in every time they were asked this and 3) being able to choose your number of children is a privilege, it's not always a given as in the case of health issues, infertility etc so really it's rude and potentially very hurtful to make assumptions and ask questions about it.

I can certainly see advantages in having a number that you feel emotionally and financially comfortable with - I mean, isn't that being a responsible parent, to the kid or kids that you already have? You see some people juggling 3 kids and not coping well, how is that better than having just one and being an awesome parent?

The spoilt stereotype infuriates me - it's not true. I have seen plenty of people my age with siblings who (in my potentially biased opinion, admittedly) were a LOT more spoiled than me both in terms of gifts and possessions and parental attention or whatever. It's about parenting, NOT whether you're an only child or not.

I actually HATED being an only child, but it wasn't so much because I was an only child - I was molested by a family member very young, became very shy and anxious and socially withdrawn and had trouble relating to kids my own age, had no cousins close in age and geographical location who I felt I could trust not to hurt me, and grew up feeling very isolated and alone.

All my reasons for hating being an only child and wanting a good sized family of my own have nothing whatsoever to do with any perceptions of it being "bad" to have only one child. With a different extended family, it would have been a perfectly great upbringing with plenty of advantages to outweigh any disadvantages of not having siblings. It's all in how you do it, in my opinion.

I want a good sized family and am really scared something will go wrong and I'll only be able to have one child for some reason - I really want at least 3! But I sure as hell don't judge anyone who decides to stop at one - your reproduction is none of anyone else's business!!! It's far more important to do a good job of being a loving caring parent to however many kids you have and I do believe a part of that is choosing a number you feel OK with.

Not sure if you really wanted that many cents worth, but there's my 2+ cents anyway :-)

And crikey, I hope people don't start asking about number #2 in the next few months while I'm still getting used to a newborn! That must be so annoying! (37 wks pregnant today with #1!)

We have friends who adopted due to infertility and even they get asked about #2 which I think they must find really hard - they reapplied a few times I believe with no success and eventually decided it was better to just get on with their lives and accept having one child. Seems like the emotionally healthy choice to me. I don't think their child is going to end up "spoiled" from what I can see so far, just well-loved as a child should be!

Good on you for making a sensible decision that's right for you and try not to let the comments get to you - and despite everything I think I turned out OK so there's nothing wrong with only children :-) The only thing I would say is do make sure they have plenty of friends and/or relatives around and don't get socially isolated and they'll be just fine no matter what anyone says.

Thanks Anna- you sound like you turned out more than ok!

My sister has a baby similar age, and DH's brothers have children that are still young too- he will def have children around him.

I hope your pregnancy is going well! People asked us about number #2 when Fergus was only a few weeks old- what the hell!

Not me, I desperately want another child, but my 2c worth would be, put it out there to everyone early, that you are perfectly happy with one child, people do t stop asking, as my daughters second birthday approached it seemed to get worse, all the questions I mean, became quite hurtful and upsetting, now I've got people lecturing me telling me I'm leaving it too late and a big age gap isn't good blah blah

No matter what people will have an opinion, but just be honest with them from the outset, you'll still get the "you'll regret it" stuff for a while. But eventually theyll start to leave you alone.

I think it's a awesome decision to make, you sound like you're very comfortable within yourselves and Fergus (love his name!) will be a very happy and loved little boy

Can't say I get the public property thing either! It's a bit like how the size of your belly suddenly becomes an OK topic of conversation when you're pregnant - when else do people feel they have the right to comment on a woman's figure without us getting offended? Do they assume we're LESS sensitive about body image just because we're growing a baby?? Some of us are probably MORE sensitive then, never mind hormonal as well!! Everyone has an opinion on how big or small you are, and I've found most comments come in clusters and totally contradict each other. Basically no one has a damn clue whether you're "big" or "small" relative to anything!

...and all the best for #2 Tiger Lily!! I understand about the desperately wanting #2 thing - one of my biggest fears is something going wrong with this birth or my health that affects my ability to have #2.

Edited by anna1983 - 12 November 2012 at 5:07pm

Ha ha I love that story :-) Not so much the 2 hrs of surgery after though! Good grief it must have been annoying being asked about #2 while still healing from that! I bet if you started saying "well last time I was torn here...here...here...and xyz hurts when I.....so really I don't want to think about #2 right now!" they wouldn't thank you for the explanation either! ;-P

Just popping back in to say, thank you for actually posting this TeacherLady, as we struggle to conceive #2, it's easy to get caught up in the "must get pregnant" frame of mind, this post reminded me to just stop and enjoy the lovely daughter we already have, she truly lights up my life and I need to give her credit for that.
I'm slowly coming to terms with having one child and your post has helped greatly with this.

Thank you again and good luck, remember to stand your grand and you don't need to explain yourselves to anyone

YES YES YES!! And I've had a bit of flak for it but sod 'em. A lengthy period of TTC + 3 miscarriages + crap drugged up (progesterone) pregnancy + baby born not breathing requiring oxygen and heart compressions + baby needing bowel surgery at 3wks old = my daughter being an only child. But also, she's slotted into our lives perfectly and another would upset the balance. She is at daycare three days a week and has loads of friend already so is being socialised.

Thanks for sharing your personal story snugglebug- I enjoy hearing from mums in a (possible) similar boat to me!

I understand what you mean about the time and money- I don't see how I could divide my time between Fergus and another baby and feel like a good mum. And money-wise: how could we do all of the things we dream of doing with Fergus AND another baby?! At the moment we are even thinking about moving to Europe for my husband's job, plus we want to do international travel, private schools...

How do you feel now in relation to PND? I hope that you are better and enjoying your son It is super hard to transition to being a mum.

And as for the learning to share: what bullshi*t. Honestly. You are right- he is in daycare- that is plenty sharing enough. He is in no way disadvantaged!

Friends and family comment how Ferg is great and we will be doing it again next year... We say no, Fergus is an only child. We make it very clear to people that it's not a discussion and we don't want to hear it!

Actually you might find this interesting too, but quite a few mums have told me that they wish they had stopped at one.

Anyway we are very happy with our choice- DH looking into vasectomy- will be getting it in the next few months- at 26