Do you only want one child?
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=42761
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Topic: Do you only want one child?
Posted By: TeacherLady
Subject: Do you only want one child?
Date Posted: 09 November 2012 at 7:55pm
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I couldn't find a thread on this and wanted to know if there were any other parents like us... DH and I have always wanted one child. We have been together 7 years, married for 5 (we are both 25) and before we even tried to get pregnant thought we would only want one. After 10 months of trying we conceived and now Fergus is 6 weeks old this weekend. He is an amazing baby- sleeps well, is basically what I would consider perfect! DH and I have now decided (not just THINK) that we only want one. The decision feels so right to us, and we feel great about it. Judgement from others is, to say the least, rude and inappropriate. Firstly why do people ask parents of a newborn when we are having another one?! And then, really it is nobody's business anyway! I am sick of hearing about him being a spoilt child....blah blah. Are there any other mums and dads like us? Anyone else decide to only have one child?  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 09 November 2012 at 9:34pm
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LOL sorry not me but wanted to say that sometimes i wish we had stopped at only one child. On the days when we go out with just one it seems so much easier to say yes to things - like an ice cream treat or small toy or whatever it is. Makes me feel good and the kid. Wouldn't have to get a bigger car, school fees and uniforms would certainly be much easier to handle too. Good on you and your partner for making the decision and feeling good about it. No matter how many kids you decide to have there will always be someone who will have negative things to say. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 09 November 2012 at 10:04pm
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I think it's becoming more common to have just one nowadays? It's certainly logical career/money/lifestyle wise, but having said that there are still a lot that aren't used to that idea? I loved the years we had with just the one, and yeah got over the comments. I hope I wasn't rude the other day??? ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 10 November 2012 at 2:33pm
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No way AandCsmum! DH and I had just been talking about it again and thought I would scope it out on here. Bizzy- thanks for the honest feedback. Good point about there always being people who feel it is their place to be negative! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 11 November 2012 at 12:55pm
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Couldn't resist replying to this...I'm in a different situation where I definitely want more than one for various reasons. I should disclose a slight conflict of interest here, in that I'm an only child, hated it, and want multiple kids, BUT...read on... As far as I'm concerned, it is YOUR decision and none of anybody else's business, at ALL. I'm an only child because Mum had severe early-onset pre-eclampsia with me and her BP never went down afterwards and it was suggested that she might not want to risk another pregnancy. So my parents stopped at one. I got to grow up listening to people ask my parents "oh so you only have the ONE child" in a horrible judgemental nosy sort of tone and it used to infuriate me because 1) it's none of their business and 2) my parents would have loved more children I'm pretty sure and I suspect it must have just rubbed it in every time they were asked this and 3) being able to choose your number of children is a privilege, it's not always a given as in the case of health issues, infertility etc so really it's rude and potentially very hurtful to make assumptions and ask questions about it. I can certainly see advantages in having a number that you feel emotionally and financially comfortable with - I mean, isn't that being a responsible parent, to the kid or kids that you already have? You see some people juggling 3 kids and not coping well, how is that better than having just one and being an awesome parent? The spoilt stereotype infuriates me - it's not true. I have seen plenty of people my age with siblings who (in my potentially biased opinion, admittedly) were a LOT more spoiled than me both in terms of gifts and possessions and parental attention or whatever. It's about parenting, NOT whether you're an only child or not. I actually HATED being an only child, but it wasn't so much because I was an only child - I was molested by a family member very young, became very shy and anxious and socially withdrawn and had trouble relating to kids my own age, had no cousins close in age and geographical location who I felt I could trust not to hurt me, and grew up feeling very isolated and alone. All my reasons for hating being an only child and wanting a good sized family of my own have nothing whatsoever to do with any perceptions of it being "bad" to have only one child. With a different extended family, it would have been a perfectly great upbringing with plenty of advantages to outweigh any disadvantages of not having siblings. It's all in how you do it, in my opinion. I want a good sized family and am really scared something will go wrong and I'll only be able to have one child for some reason - I really want at least 3! But I sure as hell don't judge anyone who decides to stop at one - your reproduction is none of anyone else's business!!! It's far more important to do a good job of being a loving caring parent to however many kids you have and I do believe a part of that is choosing a number you feel OK with. Not sure if you really wanted that many cents worth, but there's my 2+ cents anyway :-) And crikey, I hope people don't start asking about number #2 in the next few months while I'm still getting used to a newborn! That must be so annoying! (37 wks pregnant today with #1!) We have friends who adopted due to infertility and even they get asked about #2 which I think they must find really hard - they reapplied a few times I believe with no success and eventually decided it was better to just get on with their lives and accept having one child. Seems like the emotionally healthy choice to me. I don't think their child is going to end up "spoiled" from what I can see so far, just well-loved as a child should be! Good on you for making a sensible decision that's right for you and try not to let the comments get to you - and despite everything I think I turned out OK so there's nothing wrong with only children :-) The only thing I would say is do make sure they have plenty of friends and/or relatives around and don't get socially isolated and they'll be just fine no matter what anyone says. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 11 November 2012 at 1:03pm
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Should also say I have a relative who I believe is stopping at one because they found with #1 that they are both carriers for a really rare genetic condition. There are a million good reasons for stopping at one, whether for financial/emotional reasons or medical ones, and by golly other people shouldn't judge either way!! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 11 November 2012 at 1:47pm
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Thanks Anna- you sound like you turned out more than ok! My sister has a baby similar age, and DH's brothers have children that are still young too- he will def have children around him. I hope your pregnancy is going well! People asked us about number #2 when Fergus was only a few weeks old- what the hell! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 11 November 2012 at 6:22pm
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That's awesome he'll have cousins - my baby will have local cousins only 10 months, 4 and 6 yrs older and then probably the 10 month old will have another sibling in the next year or two so will be in a similar situation. I'm pretty happy about that :-) Geez a few weeks old...and if you had a miserable time of labour, tears, CS or whatever, you'd still be uncomfy at that point I'm guessing, and probably better off recovering and focusing on your current baby than thinking of doing it all again already...people are crazy! :-) Hope some people do pop up here who are in a similar situation as you, deciding to stop at one - it's nice having people who understand and probably get the same sort of unhelpful comments. I wonder if people are equally rude about large families...I guess they probably are, knowing people in general! In answer to your question about my pregnancy...it's going beautifully really, although had a bit of a pre-eclampsia scare this week - they started talking induction, but then the next day my BP was back down, so going back tomorrow to see how things are. At term as of today though, and the baby is bang on average according to the growth scan this week, so can't complain compared to what my parents went through!!! Part of me is almost starting to hope my blood tests and BP and urine are a bit dodgy tomorrow so I can meet The Bump a bit earlier, but of course I'd really prefer spontaneous labour when he's definitely as mature as he needs to be! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Séraphine
Date Posted: 12 November 2012 at 8:35am
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Not me, I desperately want another child, but my 2c worth would be, put it out there to everyone early, that you are perfectly happy with one child, people do t stop asking, as my daughters second birthday approached it seemed to get worse, all the questions I mean, became quite hurtful and upsetting, now I've got people lecturing me telling me I'm leaving it too late and a big age gap isn't good blah blah No matter what people will have an opinion, but just be honest with them from the outset, you'll still get the "you'll regret it" stuff for a while. But eventually theyll start to leave you alone. I think it's a awesome decision to make, you sound like you're very comfortable within yourselves and Fergus (love his name!) will be a very happy and loved little boy ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 12 November 2012 at 2:59pm
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Thanks Tiger Lily I really don't understand how being pregnant or a parent is 'public property'!? It seemed that when I got pregnant suddenly I apparently had a sign that said: I want your advice! Haha, oh well. The good thing about DH and I is that we are both super independent (something my MIL has found hard to handle), so we are basically now telling people are decision and reacting appropriately to their stupid remarks! I hope people are starting to support you and allow you to keep trying while being kind, rather than reminding you by asking all the time. A lot of people really don't think! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 12 November 2012 at 5:03pm
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Can't say I get the public property thing either! It's a bit like how the size of your belly suddenly becomes an OK topic of conversation when you're pregnant - when else do people feel they have the right to comment on a woman's figure without us getting offended? Do they assume we're LESS sensitive about body image just because we're growing a baby?? Some of us are probably MORE sensitive then, never mind hormonal as well!! Everyone has an opinion on how big or small you are, and I've found most comments come in clusters and totally contradict each other. Basically no one has a damn clue whether you're "big" or "small" relative to anything! ...and all the best for #2 Tiger Lily!! I understand about the desperately wanting #2 thing - one of my biggest fears is something going wrong with this birth or my health that affects my ability to have #2. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 13 November 2012 at 9:32am
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Totally right Anna! All I got was "you're small" "you're big"... one day I stopped the lady and said: "Oh, Are you qualified to comment on such a thing? Actually, I am just RIGHT!" I also got people telling me about how my birth would go. I remember one day someone asking me what I would like: I basically replied a calm and pleasant experience. I had been mentally preparing for this, and KNEW I wanted it to be calm and NOT stressful. The lady laughed and said something like "yea right". I got SOOOO angry and gave her a right talking to! Anyway: I did have a really calm birth, no screaming, yelling etc and no pain relief. Yes it might have been 24 hours with 2.5 hours pushing, and then followed by 2 hours of surgery for tears and episiotomy... but I had my calm birth! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 13 November 2012 at 10:26am
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Ha ha I love that story :-) Not so much the 2 hrs of surgery after though! Good grief it must have been annoying being asked about #2 while still healing from that! I bet if you started saying "well last time I was torn here...here...here...and xyz hurts when I.....so really I don't want to think about #2 right now!" they wouldn't thank you for the explanation either! ;-P ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: fairy1
Date Posted: 15 November 2012 at 2:08pm
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We're currently thinking we will have one child, for medical and lifestyle reasons. Most people I know don't ask me if we are having another child now but with 4 pregnant women at work I'm being asked again. Its frustrating when people ask as I don't feel I should have to discuss it or explain my medical history as it's none of their business. So I completely understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't say ds is spoiled but he is going to get more opportunities than what he would get if we had a second child. I just wish he had cousins in the same area as us, so I just make sure he has contact with other children. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Séraphine
Date Posted: 17 November 2012 at 12:54pm
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Just popping back in to say, thank you for actually posting this TeacherLady, as we struggle to conceive #2, it's easy to get caught up in the "must get pregnant" frame of mind, this post reminded me to just stop and enjoy the lovely daughter we already have, she truly lights up my life and I need to give her credit for that. I'm slowly coming to terms with having one child and your post has helped greatly with this. Thank you again and good luck, remember to stand your grand and you don't need to explain yourselves to anyone  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 18 November 2012 at 11:45am
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Tiger_lily- I'm glad that my post has helped you in some way. I know it is hard when all you can think about is getting pregnant, and this can consume you. Your daughter sounds amazing and special- whether or not she has siblings she will continue to be this to you- if not even more and more awesome by the day! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 29 November 2012 at 11:07pm
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YES YES YES!! And I've had a bit of flak for it but sod 'em. A lengthy period of TTC + 3 miscarriages + crap drugged up (progesterone) pregnancy + baby born not breathing requiring oxygen and heart compressions + baby needing bowel surgery at 3wks old = my daughter being an only child. But also, she's slotted into our lives perfectly and another would upset the balance. She is at daycare three days a week and has loads of friend already so is being socialised. -------------  Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 19 December 2012 at 3:23pm
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Argh I am going through this at the moment too. My son is 2 and we are unsure if we will have more children. We do want another but at the moment we are so not ready. I suffered bad PND, he had bad reflux and allergies and for a while we really struggled, we still do at times with the terrible 2s rife! Also I feel we can't really afford to have another and I love my son so much I just want to give all my attention to him right now. At this point with me working full time I don't feel like I have enough time for my son as it is, let alone adding another child to the mix. Maybe Ill be ready one day but Im not sure. But I have had people popping up left right and centre recently pregnant and lots of people asking me when Im going to have another baby and warning me not to just have one so he can learn how to share- he goes to daycare 4 days a week and spends a lot of time around kids I don't think he is that disadvantaged. Our little family works for us right now. I cant imagine it being different. I guess the day I can is the day we will have another Im not sure. It's hard aye. ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 19 December 2012 at 6:59pm
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Thanks for sharing your personal story snugglebug- I enjoy hearing from mums in a (possible) similar boat to me! I understand what you mean about the time and money- I don't see how I could divide my time between Fergus and another baby and feel like a good mum. And money-wise: how could we do all of the things we dream of doing with Fergus AND another baby?! At the moment we are even thinking about moving to Europe for my husband's job, plus we want to do international travel, private schools... How do you feel now in relation to PND? I hope that you are better and enjoying your son  It is super hard to transition to being a mum.And as for the learning to share: what bullshi*t. Honestly. You are right- he is in daycare- that is plenty sharing enough. He is in no way disadvantaged! Friends and family comment how Ferg is great and we will be doing it again next year... We say no, Fergus is an only child. We make it very clear to people that it's not a discussion and we don't want to hear it! Actually you might find this interesting too, but quite a few mums have told me that they wish they had stopped at one. Anyway we are very happy with our choice- DH looking into vasectomy- will be getting it in the next few months- at 26 ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: anna1983
Date Posted: 19 December 2012 at 8:48pm
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Yep the only child-sharing thing is total BS. I was made to be polite to other kids, whereas they'd happily scrap with their siblings over who got to play with what! I always found the only child stereotypes to be horribly unfair. Even at work I've had someone in management comment about what only children are usually like - not entirely sure what he was trying to say about me, whether I was a "typical spoilt only child" or atypical and therefore "ok" but I felt rather unfairly put in a box either way!! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 20 December 2012 at 4:37pm
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Good points Anna! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 22 December 2012 at 1:05am
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my view is,whats a perfect sized family for one person,will be different to someone else. For me,having only one child was out of the question,I wanted 3 or 4,and im pregnant with my 4th so I guess 4 it is (and that is IT!) But for others one just works perfectly for them. I manage to divide my time between the three,and none of them go without,they all certainly get enough of my time and attention,but I do remember how much easier it was to focus on just one child as opposed to three (my eldest was an only child until she was 7) and in all honesty sometimes the thought of having to divide myself between four AND a husband is daunting. Ignore what anyone else says though,its nobodie's business but your own ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 22 December 2012 at 9:44am
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Awesome that things are working out for you TheKelly- congrats on baby #4 Definitely right about things being nobody's business- I find it is often the older family or people that feel that we should reproduce a whole lot more! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Sarah_D
Date Posted: 24 December 2012 at 10:08am
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Yes, my husband and I are both mid 30's and considered only having one for a few reasons, mainly $$ and our sanity :) It wasnt meant to be however, we are now 17 weeks pregnant with twins. So now we are talking about my husband getting the snip. I agree with what others say, people feel they have the right to comment on everything to do with your family.. from the number you have to the how you parent. Ive found with being pregnant, the personal things people feel they have the right to ask you, like its no big deal! Go luck with your small, perfect family! |
Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 24 December 2012 at 8:36pm
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TeacherLady, Im doing much better with the PND now but still have my moments where I slip back so that's part of the reason why Im not ready for another baby and don't know if I will be. The fear of going through that again is quite strong. As our little man gets older and does more and more we just enjoy him so much I just want to focus on him. Im not saying people who have more children can't focus on all of them equally- just that I would struggle to myself and it would be hard. I think if we do have another, it will be when he is heading off to school. Like you were are quite young though, Im 26 so I have over 10 years to have another one, I probably wouldn't wait more than a few years just in case but Im lucky enough to have the time. ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 24 December 2012 at 8:37pm
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PS Im a teacher too and that is also a big factor- I love my job and am 2 terms off finishing my registration which got put on hold when I had my son ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Séraphine
Date Posted: 25 December 2012 at 3:24pm
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Hi TeacherLady, Just reading an article on the December issue of NEXT called "One & Done", it's worth a read ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 25 December 2012 at 9:28pm
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Oh thanks Toger_lily- I will have a look Snugglebug- know what you mean about the focusing on one child thing. Glad that you are doing better with PND. Good luck on getting your teaching reg completed soon- it is a good thing to tick off. Are you secondary or primary? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 26 December 2012 at 10:05pm
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Im primary :) year 1! So I have 20 babies as well as my 1 most of the time hehehe ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TeacherLady
Date Posted: 27 December 2012 at 3:50pm
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Good on you snugglebug I'm secondary- much prefer the 12/13-18/19 year olds! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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