How to talk to DH about his drinking

I am a regular on these forums but just posting under a pseudonym as I don’t want to be identified by those on here that know me.

I am becoming seriously worried about my husband’s drinking. He does not become violent when he is drunk but he does get aggressive sometimes and impossible to talk to. He will also be loud when I am trying to seep and react badly if I ask him to tone it down.

He drinks most days, and once he has a drink he doesn’t seem to stop until there is nothing left. For example, yesterday he drank a beer, a full bottle of wine and then had about four vodkas and juice (all in the evening). I know from looking at our bank account online that he drinks at a lot of lunchtimes, and most evenings after work before coming home he will stop for a drink.

It is not only the drink, but the cost of it as well. He has spent over $200 on going out drinking since last Friday. I have recently gone back to full time from part time work due to money issues and I resent that I am now doing these extra hours to fund his drinking,

Things have been a bit worse than usual no doubt due to xmas coming up and all the social drinking that goes with it. He also uses the excuse that a lot of his drinks are ‘networking’ and necessary.

We have one child aged 2 and another on the way, so soon we will be very hard up again when I need to stop working. IAll my family don’t live in this country and I don’t really have any close friends here I can stay with or talk to.

I really want to talk this over with my husband, but don’t know how to approach it without getting into an argument or him getting defensive or me being over accusatory.

Can anyone offer advice as to how I should approach this difficult conversation with him? I am beginning to get very worried for my mental health, his physical health, our daughter and our relationship, and I want to get some help.

Hugs hun, that doesn't sound like an easy situation at all. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, other than to say to follow your instincts. Could you give healthline a call? See what they suggest?

Firstly

Unfortunately I don't think however you approach this with your DH it is going to be an easy conversation. It also depends on your main motiviation, is it money, his health, his time away from the family, or all three.

I would wait until he hasn't been drinking, so maybe a weekend morning and bring it up. You know your DH best so you'll know what may shock him into seeing your point of view better. Perhaps saying, do you realise that you spent $200 in 5 days on alcohol, we can't afford that kind of money. Or, DS misses spending time with his dad because you're spending so much time away from home either networking, at the pub or if you're home you're unavailable to him because you're drinking. Whatever you say it won't be easy, but it sounds like a conversation that really needs to be had, that really sounds like excessive drinking to me.

Perhaps you could look at the al-anon website hereand maybe give them a call for some tips on how to approach it. Being a support group for friends and family they should have some strategies to share with you.

What a tough situation to be in. You are not alone and I know of several people who are facing this issue. To me it sounds excessive. I would watch the networking excuse. My DH doesn't drink much at all and still manages to network for his job. I have seen a lot of my friends husbands who do the same job as my DH hide behind the networking thing for taking time out from the family and drinking. Unfortunately certain careers are stressful and have high rates of alcohol abuse and there are convenient ways to explain it away to the spouse. Networking can be dealt with in a variety of ways and not just drinking.

Hugs to you as it is a very difficult thing to experience.

Really tough one. In all honesty the amount he's drinking definitely comes under alcoholic. You are describing one of my previous boyfriends but he got violent once and I got out of there so we never got to talking about the drinking. Anyway...

You've had some good suggestions. Here are some of my random thoughts;
You're non-drinking because you're pregnant and maybe after New Years Eve he could join you in not drinking until you have your baby for solidarity.
Leave a brief questionnaire lying around "are you an alcoholic" type thing. From memory they're tick box things and if you say yes to more than 3 (?) then it suggests you might have a problem. Might be something just to start the conversation.
Maybe say something like, you seem to be drinking a lot at the moment - are you stressed about something (ie take the focus off the drinking and on what might be triggering it). Just a way into start talking about his drinking without making it seem like you're attacking him.
Do a spreadsheet for current spending in anticipation of doing a budget for when you're not working and that might highlight how much he's spending on drinking for him. You could be all surprised...goodness, are you really drinking that much?!
Approach it from a health perspective. "In the new year why don't we spend a couple of months being really healthy" and not drinking as part of it.

Good luck.

It' sso hard.. it's like the smoking conversation really.. until he wants to hear it he won't listen..:( there are some good suggestions above though..

my DH wasnt like that but was an aggressive angry drunk and one day decided enough was enough..we went to counselling together and he went by himself.. and he decided by himself to stop drinking.. it's just so ...frustrating isnt it that he wont stop something that is affecting you and your children.. we didnt have children at the time but I would attempt to talk to him..(hard though if he gets defensive) and make sure he realises how serious it is and how much it affects your family

I dont have any advice but I guess you need to establish why, i.e. what is the trigger for the drinking? Perhaps depression or anxiety? Financial reasons? Does he drink to feel better or drink to drown his sorrows? etc...

I hope you can get it resolved soon

thank you all so much for your advice and support. it does mean a lot to me, and it makes me feel a bit less alone.

i am going tp pick a good moment to talk to him, probably next week when we are both off work and a bit less stressed. I will definitely see if he is up for going teetotal with me until the baby comes - he had originally told me he was going to stop drinking between october and xmas and that didn't happen, He doesn't like to think he has failed at anything so i will remind him of that and see if he wants to give it another go - will let you all know how i get on.

thanks again all x

I can relate to this 100%. My DF drinks most nights. And I don't mean just one or two. It's normally at least 6-8 beers a night. He is on his 6th Corona as I write this. He used to go out 1-2 times every weekend as well, before we had Isla, but thankfully that has cut back considerably but I dread the thought of him going out cause he is an impossibly drunk. He, like your DH, also gets quite defensive. Not violent in anyway, but he does raise his voice and say hurtful things to me. We end up having MASSIVE (verbal) fights everytime he drinks, but tbh, I think I wind him up by bringin up his drinking problem when he is drunk.
He went out on Thursday with workmates for 'one or two beers' but wasn't home by 1am so I rung him. He was completely smashed and walking somewhere but had no idea where he was. Was too drunk to call a taxi and couldn't remember where we live. Eventually I managed to direct him to a main road while talking to him on the phone, and a taxi stopped to get him. He was a happy drunk when he got home thankfully, but really talkative and annoying and kept repeating himself but I just put on a smile and went with it till he went to bed and fell asleep. Next day after he'd sobered up, I brought up the drinking. Rather than me saying 'I think this, I think that' like I usually do, I changed the way I approached it to 'do you think it is good for your health to be drinking the way you do?' 'do you think it is good to be drinking the way you are now we have a daughter' etc etc and he actually sat and thought about it and finally agreed with me that he needs to do something about his drinking cause it's not good when you get so drunk you don't know where you live. So hopefully it was a bit of a wakeup call for him.
So all I can really suggest is to let him think it's him making the decision that he needs to do something about drinking. Ask him questions that make him think about his behaviour, rather than telling him where he is going wrong iykwim. Men are too proud to let us tell them they are wrong.
Best of luck hun, I know it is hard!! And sorry for waffling........

Sorry I've go no really advice - my hubby drinks too probably about 8 bottles of beer a night and you can't even tell he's been drinking. I don't like it but have given up trying to get him to cut down. I lucky thats hes not violent or agrumentive. I tell him I'm looking forward to a payout when he dies so if thats what he want to do - go for it! He doesn't buy it out for our funds either but if he did I would be pretty pissed off and would then probably be more aggressive in my approach to getting him to stop.

Edited by hannibal