How to talk to DH about his drinking
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Topic: How to talk to DH about his drinking
Posted By: needadvice
Subject: How to talk to DH about his drinking
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 1:59pm
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I am a regular on these forums but just posting under a pseudonym as I don’t want to be identified by those on here that know me.
I am becoming seriously worried about my husband’s drinking. He does not become violent when he is drunk but he does get aggressive sometimes and impossible to talk to. He will also be loud when I am trying to seep and react badly if I ask him to tone it down. He drinks most days, and once he has a drink he doesn’t seem to stop until there is nothing left. For example, yesterday he drank a beer, a full bottle of wine and then had about four vodkas and juice (all in the evening). I know from looking at our bank account online that he drinks at a lot of lunchtimes, and most evenings after work before coming home he will stop for a drink. It is not only the drink, but the cost of it as well. He has spent over $200 on going out drinking since last Friday. I have recently gone back to full time from part time work due to money issues and I resent that I am now doing these extra hours to fund his drinking, Things have been a bit worse than usual no doubt due to xmas coming up and all the social drinking that goes with it. He also uses the excuse that a lot of his drinks are ‘networking’ and necessary. We have one child aged 2 and another on the way, so soon we will be very hard up again when I need to stop working. IAll my family don’t live in this country and I don’t really have any close friends here I can stay with or talk to. I really want to talk this over with my husband, but don’t know how to approach it without getting into an argument or him getting defensive or me being over accusatory. Can anyone offer advice as to how I should approach this difficult conversation with him? I am beginning to get very worried for my mental health, his physical health, our daughter and our relationship, and I want to get some help. |
Replies:
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 2:13pm
I don't have any particular advice, but didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're in this position, it can't be easy particularly at this time of year  -------------   
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Posted By: girly_girl
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 2:14pm
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Hugs hun, that doesn't sound like an easy situation at all. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, other than to say to follow your instincts. Could you give healthline a call? See what they suggest? ------------- 
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Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 2:50pm
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I have to have discussions with my DH on a regular basis about his drinking. He is not what I call a good drunk, not violent, but messy and often misses the point of conversations when drunk so he is really hard to talk to. We often have our biggest fights when he has been drinking because he has been unable to follow a conversation and misinterpreted something I have said.
Firstly, DO NOT try to talk to him when he has had a drink. Even one. It wont work. I suggest talking to him after he has had a particularly heavy night. This is usually a good time to ask him 'how much do you think you drank last night'. Every time I ask DH this he is usually wrong by about half - he has usually drunk double but doesn't realise it. My next question is usually - 'do you think that amount is appropriate considering it was a monday night or social BBQ etc?' DH used to tell me that he needed to drink half a bottle of whiskey on a friday night because he needed to de stress. My response is 'if you need to drink to de stress then we have a problem.' The conversations have to be non threatening and I find it easier to have the conversations in the morning rather than the evening - a sunday morning is usually good. The first time you have this conversation it will probably result in a fight. But over time DH has come to realise that I am not trying to be a party pooper, but am doing him a favour by pointing out when it is ok and not ok to drink that much. However, pick your battles with this one. I try not to stop DH drinking when we are having a night on the town. But I do try to stop him having too much during the week or if nights on the town become too regular. Hope this helps. Sorry for the long post. I can very much relate to where you are, but if you dont have the first conversation, then nothing will improve. ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 3:08pm
Firstly 
Unfortunately I don't think however you approach this with your DH it is going to be an easy conversation. It also depends on your main motiviation, is it money, his health, his time away from the family, or all three. I would wait until he hasn't been drinking, so maybe a weekend morning and bring it up. You know your DH best so you'll know what may shock him into seeing your point of view better. Perhaps saying, do you realise that you spent $200 in 5 days on alcohol, we can't afford that kind of money. Or, DS misses spending time with his dad because you're spending so much time away from home either networking, at the pub or if you're home you're unavailable to him because you're drinking. Whatever you say it won't be easy, but it sounds like a conversation that really needs to be had, that really sounds like excessive drinking to me. Perhaps you could look at the al-anon website http://www.al-anon.org.nz/ - here and maybe give them a call for some tips on how to approach it. Being a support group for friends and family they should have some strategies to share with you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 4:12pm
| how bout doing it like that ad on the tv... next time dont bring along your mates - mr spend all my money - mr cant stop till its ALL gone - Mr unreasonable... |
Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 4:14pm
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What a tough situation to be in. You are not alone and I know of several people who are facing this issue. To me it sounds excessive. I would watch the networking excuse. My DH doesn't drink much at all and still manages to network for his job. I have seen a lot of my friends husbands who do the same job as my DH hide behind the networking thing for taking time out from the family and drinking. Unfortunately certain careers are stressful and have high rates of alcohol abuse and there are convenient ways to explain it away to the spouse. Networking can be dealt with in a variety of ways and not just drinking.
Hugs to you as it is a very difficult thing to experience. |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 6:48pm
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I've been thinking about this, and popped back to recommend a group like Al-anon, but see Clover has already. It could be worth calling to have a chat to someone there - they'll be experts in the area and should have some great suggestions.
Hugs again - and for what it's worth, I've been thinking about you, and you're in my thoughts. I hope you have some good conversations with your DH and agree on a level of drinking that works. -------------
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 7:41pm
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Really tough one. In all honesty the amount he's drinking definitely comes under alcoholic. You are describing one of my previous boyfriends but he got violent once and I got out of there so we never got to talking about the drinking. Anyway...
You've had some good suggestions. Here are some of my random thoughts; You're non-drinking because you're pregnant and maybe after New Years Eve he could join you in not drinking until you have your baby for solidarity. Leave a brief questionnaire lying around "are you an alcoholic" type thing. From memory they're tick box things and if you say yes to more than 3 (?) then it suggests you might have a problem. Might be something just to start the conversation. Maybe say something like, you seem to be drinking a lot at the moment - are you stressed about something (ie take the focus off the drinking and on what might be triggering it). Just a way into start talking about his drinking without making it seem like you're attacking him. Do a spreadsheet for current spending in anticipation of doing a budget for when you're not working and that might highlight how much he's spending on drinking for him. You could be all surprised...goodness, are you really drinking that much?! Approach it from a health perspective. "In the new year why don't we spend a couple of months being really healthy" and not drinking as part of it. Good luck. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 8:53pm
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Hugs to you, it must be a very hard situation for you to be in.
I don't think that anything is likely to change until he hits rock bottom, which is different for everyone. For him it could be you highlighting the problems like finances etc. But be prepared that it might take a while for hm to change. I 2nd the idea of calling/contacting AA, since you don't have any family or many firends nearby you will need some support from somewhere. Good luck and I hope you can both work through this ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 9:41pm
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It' sso hard.. it's like the smoking conversation really.. until he wants to hear it he won't listen..:( there are some good suggestions above though..
my DH wasnt like that but was an aggressive angry drunk and one day decided enough was enough..we went to counselling together and he went by himself.. and he decided by himself to stop drinking.. it's just so ...frustrating isnt it that he wont stop something that is affecting you and your children.. we didnt have children at the time but I would attempt to talk to him..(hard though if he gets defensive) and make sure he realises how serious it is and how much it affects your family ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 December 2010 at 10:06pm
| I didnt want to read and run, this is a really hard situation and i hope you can find some resolution. I havent had such a serious problem - but i will echo the advice to have this discussion when he's sober and in the morning after a rough night if you can manage it. |
Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 12:31am
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I dont have any advice but I guess you need to establish why, i.e. what is the trigger for the drinking? Perhaps depression or anxiety? Financial reasons? Does he drink to feel better or drink to drown his sorrows? etc...
I hope you can get it resolved soon ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 7:48am
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Perhaps suggest relationship counselling that you can do together, not mentioning the whole drinking thing at the outset, and then once there you can approach the drinking topic in a safe space?
Not really sure otherwise, but big hugs Sounds like a really tough situation to be in.------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: needadvice
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 5:37pm
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thank you all so much for your advice and support. it does mean a lot to me, and it makes me feel a bit less alone.
i am going tp pick a good moment to talk to him, probably next week when we are both off work and a bit less stressed. I will definitely see if he is up for going teetotal with me until the baby comes - he had originally told me he was going to stop drinking between october and xmas and that didn't happen, He doesn't like to think he has failed at anything so i will remind him of that and see if he wants to give it another go - will let you all know how i get on. thanks again all x |
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 9:19pm
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That's great that you have come up with an action lan, good luck with it! ------------- Lindsey
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Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 9:36pm
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I can relate to this 100%. My DF drinks most nights. And I don't mean just one or two. It's normally at least 6-8 beers a night. He is on his 6th Corona as I write this. He used to go out 1-2 times every weekend as well, before we had Isla, but thankfully that has cut back considerably but I dread the thought of him going out cause he is an impossibly drunk. He, like your DH, also gets quite defensive. Not violent in anyway, but he does raise his voice and say hurtful things to me. We end up having MASSIVE (verbal) fights everytime he drinks, but tbh, I think I wind him up by bringin up his drinking problem when he is drunk.
He went out on Thursday with workmates for 'one or two beers' but wasn't home by 1am so I rung him. He was completely smashed and walking somewhere but had no idea where he was. Was too drunk to call a taxi and couldn't remember where we live. Eventually I managed to direct him to a main road while talking to him on the phone, and a taxi stopped to get him. He was a happy drunk when he got home thankfully, but really talkative and annoying and kept repeating himself but I just put on a smile and went with it till he went to bed and fell asleep. Next day after he'd sobered up, I brought up the drinking. Rather than me saying 'I think this, I think that' like I usually do, I changed the way I approached it to 'do you think it is good for your health to be drinking the way you do?' 'do you think it is good to be drinking the way you are now we have a daughter' etc etc and he actually sat and thought about it and finally agreed with me that he needs to do something about his drinking cause it's not good when you get so drunk you don't know where you live. So hopefully it was a bit of a wakeup call for him. So all I can really suggest is to let him think it's him making the decision that he needs to do something about drinking. Ask him questions that make him think about his behaviour, rather than telling him where he is going wrong iykwim. Men are too proud to let us tell them they are wrong. Best of luck hun, I know it is hard!! And sorry for waffling........ -------------  
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 10:58pm
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Agree with Lisa, no point nagging or trying to force any ideas on them, but rather gently approach the subject and like Lisa said, get him thinking about it.
He probably doesn't actually realise or see a problem with it. And if that's the case then he won't be willing to change or know to change iygwim. GL with everything! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: hannibal
Date Posted: 19 December 2010 at 4:33pm
| Sorry I've go no really advice - my hubby drinks too probably about 8 bottles of beer a night and you can't even tell he's been drinking. I don't like it but have given up trying to get him to cut down. I lucky thats hes not violent or agrumentive. I tell him I'm looking forward to a payout when he dies so if thats what he want to do - go for it! He doesn't buy it out for our funds either but if he did I would be pretty pissed off and would then probably be more aggressive in my approach to getting him to stop. |
Posted By: Kalimirella
Date Posted: 19 December 2010 at 4:45pm
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Just a suggestion and I have no experience here so feel free to discard, but if you don't have a joint bank account perhaps say, look this is MY money, if you want to drink ok just make sure all the bills (responsibility) money has gone out first, then feel free to waste your own money on it but I have plans for this money which include looking after our children. ------------- Kiara is 3 and Teagan is 2, now we're expecting our long awaited 3rd! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 19 December 2010 at 5:51pm
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Hey hun
i don't have any experience with people with drinking, but have talked to people about other addictions before... does her ever see how many empties he has? or do you clean up in the morning before he sees them? maybe keep every single empty for a week, then on a sunday morning, have them all lined up on the bench/table so he can actually see, and that could be your starting point...? also don't speak in "I's" ('i think, i feel, i know) because while it may be affecting you, it is HIS 'problem', so turning it into your problem makes it seem worse, because its like you are attacking him? try 'do YOU think, do YOU feel, etc...' and I think the 'if you need to drink to de stress, then we have a problem' line that kiwikt mentioned is a good one. Also could try leaving the AA info around, but if he sint interested in changing, he wont notice them. I agree with the rock bottom statement. Maybe you could suggest he attend AA, and if he refuses or picks a fight, just walk out with your daughter and is there anyone you may be able to stay with? (or go for a 'holiday' with DD to your family/friends in another city and make him realise that you wont tolerate it anymore? (personally i would not be comfortable with DP drinking that much and often with DS in the house) maybe write him a letter and leave it for him and go out with DD for the day? let him read your points (amount, cost, time etc) and he will have time to think about it. at the end of the letter, mention for him to ring you when he is ready to discuss it calmy, resposibly and like adults? anyway I hope they help and huge hugs hun! good luck! |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 20 December 2010 at 10:31am
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My mum had this problem with my dad. He will now admit he was an alcoholic, but it took a long time. For my dad it was nearly losing his life that did it for him. When you talk to him try that line that is killing him, and does he really want to leave behind a wife and 2 kids? ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |