Just 1 child-thoughts and experences

Is having one child a good thing? or not?

After years on the fertility rollercoaster we are wondering if we should just count our blessings and call it quits at one fantastic healthy child. We both want more but after 1 mc and 10 rounds of Donor IUI we are wondering if the stress (and money) is really worth it. DS is 2.5 and DF and I are both 40.

We have started talking about maybe we should call it quits and put all our energy into doing the best for our son.

I guess my question to you all is if you decided on one child, why and do you still think it was the right thing to do? Are you an only child? what are your thoughts?

My heart is breaking at the thought of DS growing up alone but the stress of last year wasnt good for any of us and I think if we were to do that again DS would be an only child from a broken home and none of us want that.

What are your thought please. Feel free to PM me if you dont want to share your story in a public manner.

I'm going through the same thoughts as you.

After three miscarriages in 3yrs of TTC, we decided to take a big long break from TTC. Next thing we know, I'm pregnant. (The cycle after m/c #3.)

We're about to have bubs and we are both very very sure that we only want the one baby. We know we can't go through the stress of TTC again, to the point that baby would sense the tension. I also do not want to go through another m/c again. Like you, we don't want our child to be from a broken home, and I'm scared that if we keep going, then that's what will happen.

(Although I should add there's one or two other things that factor into our decision to only have one child, but the TTC and m/c-ing are the main thing.)

Everyone who we've told that this will be our only baby has been completely opposed to the idea. So we've stopped telling people, but I know at some point, someone will ask when we'll be adding to the family. The plan is to get a dog when baby is a bit older, so that can be the next addition lol.

We plan to get a book or two on raising an only child, so they end up "spoiled" - as per many peoples' predictions.

We also plan to get her into a few days of daycare early on, so that she's not just with me all the time, and she is being socialised with other kids.

Edited by kelzie_rose

I know! I see many many families coming into work, parents are trying to do paperwork, and the kids are running amok in the (5 minutes earlier - nice and tidy) shop. And the parents look exhausted. And I'm thinking... I want to enjoy being a parent and they don't look like they're enjoying it! I'm sure they are, but it doesn't look like it.

And thinking back to when I was young, I resented my younger brother a lot. I felt like he got all the attention. Looking back, he didn't - it was very equal but it didn't feel like it. DH and his brother still don't get on.

I posted a thread about this ages back, and someone said to me that they only had one child, and life was still pretty similar to pre-baby. They could go out, they still had a social life and they did what was right for them and they loved their life. And I think DH really decided that one was right for him after reading that.

Caro, like Hopes said, there are pros and cons to everything in life. I think you do need to do what's right for your family. The hard part is figuring out what that is hun.

Edited by kelzie_rose

I agree on the social aspect and being able to live relatively the same as pre-kids with just the one. My friend who has three kids can never go out in public with all three by herself so she is either stuck at home or has to arrange child care for some or all of them so that she can go and do things while her DH is at work. I don't think that's any way to live! Whereas another friend who just has the one throws her daughter in the car and they are out and about all the time together and have a great relationship.

Also the fighting!!! I never got on with my brother (it was just the two of us) and I still don't now. He was always mean to me and I don't remember us ever playing nicely together. So much of parenting seems to be about breaking up fights when there is more than one.

Didn't want to read and run...

I'm obviously not in this boat , but did think that DS would very likely be an only child and also met with a lot of opposition.

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and there are def. some awesome only children out there - I have a good friend who is one of them. Chatting to his mum one day (thinking that I would like her advice since she has done an amazing job!!), she said she raised him as if he had a sibling, he had to work for everything he wanted and they made sure he always had friends around/to stay and took his friends on holidays with them to ensure he got plenty of socialisation with people his own age rather than adults.

I guess you have to follow your heart. All the best with your decision.

We're planning on only having the one child - DH is one of six, I was practically an only child until I was 6. I think I had the better childhood (and there are many other reasons that make me draw that conclusion).

You've clearly gone through a lot to get to where you are now, and you will wonder "what if" but if I were in your shoes I would be thinking of counting my blessings too.

I think raising one child in a loving, stable, environment is better than two in a stressed family.

Good luck with what you decide.

And Kelzie - people always tell us we'll think twice about having an only child once he's here.

DP and his mother are both only children and they're fine. His mother would have loved to have more children but due to her infertility issues she was only able to have one and she poured all her mothering into him. I dont feel its been detrimental for him, though perhaps his social skills are a bit skewed due to this, but there are other ways a child can get this IE cousins?

I know I'll only be having one baby and thats fine with me. I guess people think its ok because of my step son co technically we will have two children in our household, but I have no qualms about only having one child.. I also have fertility issues and T1 diabetes and both of these make concieving harder.. hence, it was an easy choice for me to make.. At the end of the day, do what you feel is right for you and your family

jaz wrote: The downside is that it can be quite intense having just one as they don't have a residential playmate (sibling), you end up doing a lot more extra curricula stuff to keep them entertained so end up getting really tired. You really need to hook up with other families to go camping and stuff as they get bored on their own, and you have to be careful that you don't just buy them whatever they want because you can afford it a bit better than you ever could if you had 2+ kids.

I totally agree with this. DD is an only child (her father and I split when she was 11 months) and is likely to remain that way for a variety of reasons. I do find her pretty intense as she only has me for a playmate, although maybe two parents with one child don't have quite the same experience? It is pretty hard to play games and things by yourself - it wasn't as bad when she was little but now she has this little imaginery games that she plays and she wants me to join in with her, which is nice and I try and play as much as I can while still getting stuff done, but I do find it hard going sometimes.

I have also fallen into the trap of giving her things because I can afford it, I don't have to worry about being fair or giving something equal to another sibling. I have tried to take a step back from that recently but DD certainly has more stuff and is used to things like eating in cafes and restaurants - things that most kids her age probably wouldnt do to the degree her and I do.

I also find it hard when we go on holiday or for outings - again maybe its coz its just me and her as opposed to two parents and a child but things are not as fun. Not quite sure how to describe it but its like if you go somewhere like the zoo with a group of kids and adults its a fun day out, whereas with just me and her going its a couple of hours max and she's seen everything and had enough.

We do spend quite a lot of time with another single mum and her two kids and my sister has a little boy, plus DD goes to daycare so she gets plenty of socialisation but thats definitely another aspect to be aware of.

On the upside, DD is a lot more articulate than most kids her age. She has the benefit of my undivided attention and resources and she shows a level of maturity (if you can call 3 year olds mature!) that most kids her age don't, simply because she spends a lot of time with adults. She gets stroppy, and I think because there is no sibling to fight with she pushes the boundaries a lot although its possible thats just her personality. She doesn't seem to be suffering for being an only child though and has a lot of friends at daycare. She seems to be better at sharing toys etc with other kids than others with siblings, maybe because I have gone out of my way to teach her to share and take turns because I am concious of the only child syndrome? She also has a large amount of empathy for other people.

I think as someone said before, there is no one "right" number of kids, there is just a right number for you. Every situtation is different and there are always pros and cons.

We went through IUI due to male infertility. DS was conceived on the first try and by the time he was 22 months old he was diagnosed with Autism so any thoughts of having another child went out the window and focus all our time and energy on him.

 By the time he was 4 I felt like we weren't done and DD was conceived when he was almost 5. They are 8 and 3.

Our DD is 4.5 years old and conceived via ICSI IVF. She has completed our family and we have no desire for any more children. I am one of six children and DH has one sibling. I don't worry about our DD being 'alone', she is far from it. She has us for starters, as well as 14 cousins of various ages, and heaps of my friends kids in her life. We are very social people so she has friends around the majority of the time. I don't think we spoil our DD, sure she has alot more 'life' experiences than I did like overseas trips and dinners out, but I don't buy incidential gifts, and treats are earned. We have a caravan and are often away on camping trips with several other families.
For me the decision was based solely on what felt right for DH and I. Sounds selfish but I figure that happy parents are paramount for a happy child, and we are very happy.