Just 1 child-thoughts and experences
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Topic: Just 1 child-thoughts and experences
Posted By: Caronz
Subject: Just 1 child-thoughts and experences
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:17pm
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Is having one child a good thing? or not?
After years on the fertility rollercoaster we are wondering if we should just count our blessings and call it quits at one fantastic healthy child. We both want more but after 1 mc and 10 rounds of Donor IUI we are wondering if the stress (and money) is really worth it. DS is 2.5 and DF and I are both 40. We have started talking about maybe we should call it quits and put all our energy into doing the best for our son. I guess my question to you all is if you decided on one child, why and do you still think it was the right thing to do? Are you an only child? what are your thoughts? My heart is breaking at the thought of DS growing up alone but the stress of last year wasnt good for any of us and I think if we were to do that again DS would be an only child from a broken home and none of us want that. What are your thought please. Feel free to PM me if you dont want to share your story in a public manner.  ------------- TTC since 06 with MFI IVF with ICSI 2007 BFN DI Sept 08=BFP DS 06/09 TTC #2 since June 2010 DI#2 Aug10=BFP MC@10weeks 2011= 10 rounds of DI 4 with clomid- all neg May 2012- IVF |
Replies:
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:41pm
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I know lots of only children who are very happy people. I think there are pros and cons, like with everything, but if it's what feels right for you, or what ends up being the case for you, it will work out just fine. I know that's very general - I come from the other end of the spectrum being one of eight and loved it. On the other hand I saw someone else post somewhere the other day saying that they were in the same boat as me and hated it, that they'd never have a big family because it wasn't fair on the kids. So as with anything, your milage may vary! -------------   
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Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:42pm
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I'm going through the same thoughts as you.
After three miscarriages in 3yrs of TTC, we decided to take a big long break from TTC. Next thing we know, I'm pregnant. (The cycle after m/c #3.) We're about to have bubs and we are both very very sure that we only want the one baby. We know we can't go through the stress of TTC again, to the point that baby would sense the tension. I also do not want to go through another m/c again. Like you, we don't want our child to be from a broken home, and I'm scared that if we keep going, then that's what will happen. (Although I should add there's one or two other things that factor into our decision to only have one child, but the TTC and m/c-ing are the main thing.) Everyone who we've told that this will be our only baby has been completely opposed to the idea. So we've stopped telling people, but I know at some point, someone will ask when we'll be adding to the family. The plan is to get a dog when baby is a bit older, so that can be the next addition lol. We plan to get a book or two on raising an only child, so they end up "spoiled" - as per many peoples' predictions. We also plan to get her into a few days of daycare early on, so that she's not just with me all the time, and she is being socialised with other kids. -------------  Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 2:54pm
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Kelzie Rose, it's funny that you say everyone is opposed to the idea because we have been discussing just having the one as well (for a number of reasons) and people seem to think we are mad. But they are also the people who have 2-3 absolute rat bags who fight all the time and are part of the reason why we are thinking of just having one to begin with!
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Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:04pm
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I know! I see many many families coming into work, parents are trying to do paperwork, and the kids are running amok in the (5 minutes earlier - nice and tidy) shop. And the parents look exhausted. And I'm thinking... I want to enjoy being a parent and they don't look like they're enjoying it! I'm sure they are, but it doesn't look like it.
And thinking back to when I was young, I resented my younger brother a lot. I felt like he got all the attention. Looking back, he didn't - it was very equal but it didn't feel like it. DH and his brother still don't get on. I posted a thread about this ages back, and someone said to me that they only had one child, and life was still pretty similar to pre-baby. They could go out, they still had a social life and they did what was right for them and they loved their life. And I think DH really decided that one was right for him after reading that. Caro, like Hopes said, there are pros and cons to everything in life. I think you do need to do what's right for your family. The hard part is figuring out what that is hun. ------------- Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: Caronz
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:27pm
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Caro, like Hopes said, there are pros and cons to everything in life. I think you do need to do what's right for your family. The hard part is figuring out what that is hun.
God aint that the truth!!! My head is all over the place with thoughts!!! Why is nothing in life easy? ------------- TTC since 06 with MFI IVF with ICSI 2007 BFN DI Sept 08=BFP DS 06/09 TTC #2 since June 2010 DI#2 Aug10=BFP MC@10weeks 2011= 10 rounds of DI 4 with clomid- all neg May 2012- IVF |
Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:47pm
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I agree on the social aspect and being able to live relatively the same as pre-kids with just the one. My friend who has three kids can never go out in public with all three by herself so she is either stuck at home or has to arrange child care for some or all of them so that she can go and do things while her DH is at work. I don't think that's any way to live! Whereas another friend who just has the one throws her daughter in the car and they are out and about all the time together and have a great relationship.
Also the fighting!!! I never got on with my brother (it was just the two of us) and I still don't now. He was always mean to me and I don't remember us ever playing nicely together. So much of parenting seems to be about breaking up fights when there is more than one. |
Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 3:57pm
I think I am heading toward only having the one kiddie. I just cant imagine maintaining my career with 2 (I know people do it! Just dont think I could  ) And I feel like we are able to give DD so much that we perhaps wouldnt if there were more than one. And she goes to daycare 30hrs/week so she is growing up having to share everything, the kiddies at daycare are like her brothers and sisters (but part time and the carer is the one that has to deal with the fighting!  )
DH doesnt agree with me though, he is an only child and is convinced she needs a sibling.. Well see who wins this argument
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Posted By: Stoked
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 6:50pm
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Didn't want to read and run...
I'm obviously not in this boat , but did think that DS would very likely be an only child and also met with a lot of opposition.
At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and there are def. some awesome only children out there - I have a good friend who is one of them. Chatting to his mum one day (thinking that I would like her advice since she has done an amazing job!!), she said she raised him as if he had a sibling, he had to work for everything he wanted and they made sure he always had friends around/to stay and took his friends on holidays with them to ensure he got plenty of socialisation with people his own age rather than adults. I guess you have to follow your heart. All the best with your decision. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 6:58pm
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Financially 1 is a great idea, our DD was well socialised, well travelled, great all rounder. I did go back to work reasonably early so she was brought up with "siblings"
Obviously we've added to our family but those 5 years she was by herself, I sometimes wish we could go back to. No fighting between siblings is a bonus, but doesn't mean we as parents didn't have battles with her. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: kiwiking
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 8:50pm
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We're planning on only having the one child - DH is one of six, I was practically an only child until I was 6. I think I had the better childhood (and there are many other reasons that make me draw that conclusion).
You've clearly gone through a lot to get to where you are now, and you will wonder "what if" but if I were in your shoes I would be thinking of counting my blessings too. I think raising one child in a loving, stable, environment is better than two in a stressed family. Good luck with what you decide. And Kelzie - people always tell us we'll think twice about having an only child once he's here. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 8:52pm
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I have a big gap so had an 'only child' for quite a few years. The plus side was that she had cousins her own age and best friend living right next door so plenty of playmates, it was cheaper and easier to find/pay for childcare when I went back to study then eventually work, you get invited to lots of things because people can slot in a small family, and you can afford good holidays and to have all the latest toys (playstation etc) and do plenty of extra curricula activities. You also have more time to contribute to committee's and being parent helper at things they are involved in.
The downside is that it can be quite intense having just one as they don't have a residential playmate (sibling), you end up doing a lot more extra curricula stuff to keep them entertained so end up getting really tired. You really need to hook up with other families to go camping and stuff as they get bored on their own, and you have to be careful that you don't just buy them whatever they want because you can afford it a bit better than you ever could if you had 2+ kids. Now that I have 2, I appreciate their sibling relationship that I had with my siblings and am glad that they both have that. It's also great watching them get along and try to boss each other around. Most single child families I have met are adored by both parents who are committed to them. I've heard a lot of criticism of 'singleton' families that I suspect is aimed directly at me, but it all seems to be from burnt out SAHM with big families that don't want to hang out with their own kids so I'm not convinced. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: KcP
Date Posted: 24 January 2012 at 1:45pm
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DP and his mother are both only children and they're fine. His mother would have loved to have more children but due to her infertility issues she was only able to have one and she poured all her mothering into him. I dont feel its been detrimental for him, though perhaps his social skills are a bit skewed due to this, but there are other ways a child can get this IE cousins?
I know I'll only be having one baby and thats fine with me. I guess people think its ok because of my step son co technically we will have two children in our household, but I have no qualms about only having one child.. I also have fertility issues and T1 diabetes and both of these make concieving harder.. hence, it was an easy choice for me to make.. At the end of the day, do what you feel is right for you and your family ------------- Small family of three TTC #1 4 years http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: Caronz
Date Posted: 25 January 2012 at 4:07pm
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Thank you all for your responses. It is a very hard thing to think about as like any thing, there are pros and cons.
I guess we still have alot more thinking to do  ------------- TTC since 06 with MFI IVF with ICSI 2007 BFN DI Sept 08=BFP DS 06/09 TTC #2 since June 2010 DI#2 Aug10=BFP MC@10weeks 2011= 10 rounds of DI 4 with clomid- all neg May 2012- IVF |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 25 January 2012 at 8:32pm
I totally agree with this. DD is an only child (her father and I split when she was 11 months) and is likely to remain that way for a variety of reasons. I do find her pretty intense as she only has me for a playmate, although maybe two parents with one child don't have quite the same experience? It is pretty hard to play games and things by yourself - it wasn't as bad when she was little but now she has this little imaginery games that she plays and she wants me to join in with her, which is nice and I try and play as much as I can while still getting stuff done, but I do find it hard going sometimes. I have also fallen into the trap of giving her things because I can afford it, I don't have to worry about being fair or giving something equal to another sibling. I have tried to take a step back from that recently but DD certainly has more stuff and is used to things like eating in cafes and restaurants - things that most kids her age probably wouldnt do to the degree her and I do. I also find it hard when we go on holiday or for outings - again maybe its coz its just me and her as opposed to two parents and a child but things are not as fun. Not quite sure how to describe it but its like if you go somewhere like the zoo with a group of kids and adults its a fun day out, whereas with just me and her going its a couple of hours max and she's seen everything and had enough. We do spend quite a lot of time with another single mum and her two kids and my sister has a little boy, plus DD goes to daycare so she gets plenty of socialisation but thats definitely another aspect to be aware of. On the upside, DD is a lot more articulate than most kids her age. She has the benefit of my undivided attention and resources and she shows a level of maturity (if you can call 3 year olds mature!) that most kids her age don't, simply because she spends a lot of time with adults. She gets stroppy, and I think because there is no sibling to fight with she pushes the boundaries a lot although its possible thats just her personality. She doesn't seem to be suffering for being an only child though and has a lot of friends at daycare. She seems to be better at sharing toys etc with other kids than others with siblings, maybe because I have gone out of my way to teach her to share and take turns because I am concious of the only child syndrome? She also has a large amount of empathy for other people. I think as someone said before, there is no one "right" number of kids, there is just a right number for you. Every situtation is different and there are always pros and cons. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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jaz wrote:Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 25 January 2012 at 9:01pm
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I had an only child for 11 years, and for a long time I did think she would be my only one. There are def pros to having just one - like you can give them so much more both with regards to attention and financial. It's also a lot less restrictive having one child - like we travelled lots. I have since had another two children and love seeing them laughing and playing together which I guess is what my oldest really missed out on, but she also had no cousins and none of my friends had kids back then which I think could have helped in that regard. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for your family. ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: kiwigal
Date Posted: 26 January 2012 at 12:09am
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We went through IUI due to male infertility. DS was conceived on the first try and by the time he was 22 months old he was diagnosed with Autism so any thoughts of having another child went out the window and focus all our time and energy on him. By the time he was 4 I felt like we weren't done and DD was conceived when he was almost 5. They are 8 and 3. |
Posted By: MammieB
Date Posted: 26 January 2012 at 12:28am
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We too have had a long discussion and have decided to only have DD. We feel our family is complete and that with only one child we can give her everything she needs - emotionally and financially.
We do not spoil her and are not planning on - she will never need anything, but will still work/earn treats and rewards. She doesn't have any cousins, but have have really close friends that have children that are the same age and we see them almost daily so she has lots of interaction and is very social. I work with other children so she shares me and her toys, and I want to be able to give her one on one and feel introducing a sibling will take that away. I get asked all the time "when are you having the next one", and always get funny looks when I say "there will be no next one" - but that is my choice and I know it is the best one for our little family. We too will get a puppy (most likely for her 3 rd birthday) - so that will be our addition as well. It is hard, because even if you know how hard it will be to TTC again and everything that goes with you might succeed, and it will then most likely be the best experience - but as long as you and your DH/DS have a strong bond/relationship at the end of the day that is all that matters. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://daisypath.com"> 
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 26 January 2012 at 8:49pm
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Our DD is 4.5 years old and conceived via ICSI IVF. She has completed our family and we have no desire for any more children. I am one of six children and DH has one sibling. I don't worry about our DD being 'alone', she is far from it. She has us for starters, as well as 14 cousins of various ages, and heaps of my friends kids in her life. We are very social people so she has friends around the majority of the time. I don't think we spoil our DD, sure she has alot more 'life' experiences than I did like overseas trips and dinners out, but I don't buy incidential gifts, and treats are earned. We have a caravan and are often away on camping trips with several other families.
For me the decision was based solely on what felt right for DH and I. Sounds selfish but I figure that happy parents are paramount for a happy child, and we are very happy. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 27 January 2012 at 10:05pm
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As everyone else has said there seem to be pros and cons to each.
My bf has one child and it has been awesome for her in that she travels a lot and takes him with her and they are a tight team. It seems easy to continue with a grown up life with one child. The downside is that he gets bored a lot, watches lots of tv and she puts a lot of effort into trying to entertain him. I really think you just make the most of whatever situation you are in. She felt guilty about having one child for ages and read a book called something like " Only child without the guilt" and got some closure about it after that. Before then she felt like she was letting him down. A few of my friends are in your shoes due to fertility issues (although one set got knocked up by accident) and noone i know bats an eyelid at it. Have as many or as few works for you. My neighbour is pregnant with her eighth and doesn't let it stop her from doing anything like going to the shops. It is all what you make of it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Pixi
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 11:17am
Yes your comment, " all do have to make to most of any situation" I agree :) QS: Your neighbor?? Just trying to get a picture how she with X8 kids,organizes even the most simplest outing as you explain say shopping,with out adult help? Unless the shop in next to her house? You say at the end here your neighbor has X8 children and does not let it stop her from anything like going to the shops. Is she a solo Mum? only asked as what about middle on the night and 1-2 have a emergencies, say of a child has to the Doctors? doe she have a husband/ partner helping as well? Do you mean do she need to gather all eight around just to go to the shops,(or) has she a 14 plus yr old teenager sibling, or friend, to look after most of them, so she can be free to go out? Even Octo Mum needed quality help. :) |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 5:20pm
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I'm going to put a complete spin on this as an idea. And for those that only one is the only option, I do not mean to offend or to make you hurt, it's just a thought.
But think to the future, when your only child has grown up, moved out of home etc etc will they be lacking in not having a sibling? Ie when they have to cope with our death? You need to think of their support networks, I guess that is one thing, as parents we would need to do is to teach them to value their extended family and to be the one to make the effort to keep family ties. Having children is not just the cute baby/toddler stage, it's also the teenage years, young adult etc ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 6:54pm
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If you can not for medical reasons have more than one then you have to think how lucky you are to have one. You can throw your whole self into the child, give what ever you can, life is so much easier with one child as you make it as busy & stressful as you want.
Once you have more than one life is busy & things are harder & cost a lot more. The simple things like shopping & catching up with friends are so much harder to do. We have tried for years to complete our family, really want a daughter, but it has not happened & I know it is not going to happen & even though I am really grateful & happy with my 3 boys our family is not complete & I have to live with that. If you have the money & need/want to carry on with treatment then do it, don't miss out on time with your DS because if he is your only one then he is really special
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 6:56pm
That is so true
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 7:03pm
yip I have 3 little ratbags, would not trade them for anything...well most of the time.. But it is funny how people make comments when I was TTC #2 people keep asking when are you having another or only 1 for you...I now get people saying oh bet you wish you had a girl, when are you going to have one...It is everyone else business your fertility or number of children you want
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 29 January 2012 at 8:19pm
Meh, I grew up as one of eight, and although I'm sure Mums life was different to if there had been less of us, it didn't stop her doing stuff like going to the shops! You see, it's not like all eight kids are the same age (except in very rare octo-mum situations!) and so if Mum needed to make a trip to the shops, it was easy enough to fit it into a school day when there were only a couple of pre-schoolers at home. And like you say, I'd imagine in most cases with so many kids, there's often one who's old enough to babysit if need be. Sorry, OT! ETA that it would probably be... unusual... for a single Mum to have eight kids. Not unheard of, but, well... unusual... -------------
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Posted By: boys.boys.boys.boys
Date Posted: 30 January 2012 at 8:46am
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I agree hopes, jsut because you have lots of kids doesnt mean you can never go and do anything and are stuck at home full-time!!
My mum had 5 kids, and still managed to take us to horse shows etc etc every weekend, carting my 3 younger siblings, everywhere too. More than one child may fight, but they also entertain eah other and play together far more often!! And man, they are so much fun!!! (Obviously, like the other previous posts, not meant for anyone that it is medically better for them to have one.) ------------- 4 boys!! 7 years, 5 years, 2 years and 8 weeks... |
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 31 January 2012 at 7:05pm
She is married and the children are aged between 15 years and 2 years and she is preg with number 8. Husband works and is away for long periods of time doing films. She doesn't always take the eldest ones but would if she had to take all of them. She loves her big family and feels that each one is a treasure. She is quite inspiring - not that i would be capable of that at all!! Get grumpy with my 2 all the time!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Pixi
Date Posted: 04 February 2012 at 11:29am
Hi Crafty one: Yes you say inspiring, but other comments from others, not realistic for many these days form some to aspire to have large families say more than 3-5, simply not like the good ol days work plentiful and the "extended family units where once strong", rather in NZ, with the ever high rise of unemployment. But hey, while your neighbors hubby may have work and good paying work maybe, then great make hay while the sun shine we guess. Flip side as they always is one in real life, good paying work not always guaranteed, just the thought of more having children in NZ that cannot afford large families going with out basics in NZ is sad fact to. Not your comment crafty one, but some other comment here not really realistic for most NZ families, matter of ones reality and perspective we guess -:). Unless you are the Brady bunch with teenagers with willing cheesy looks just waiting to baby sit, not all teenagers like to baby sit, quite the contrary they like to be with friends their own age, wether you offer to pay them or not. (Edit double up word) |
Posted By: Pixi
Date Posted: 04 February 2012 at 12:55pm
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