Author |
Topic Search Topic Options
|
Nothing
Senior Member
Joined: 05 June 2009
Location: Nelson
Points: 1470
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Topic: I need to vent Posted: 05 August 2010 at 5:42pm |
Okay so my DF gets home tonight to find me BF our DD in our room. He comes in and goes "whats the story?" as in why the f**k is the house in such a mess, you are a useless lazy person.... So all i said was DD has just woken up and im feeding her. So he goes out to the kitchen to 'tidy up', then when I come out with DD he goes on about the house being a pigsty and he is sick of living in a mess...... and so i explained that I had a whole 45minutes to myslef today, which was spent eating breakfast, having a shower and starting to bake lactation cookies. DD then woke up and wouldnt go back down for 2 hours (after being up for about one) then finally she did just as my friend turned up ( i never have visitors) so i spent 45mins talking to her and baking, then DD woke up and wouldnt go down for another 2 hours, until 45mins before DF gets home, so I sat down, ate some food (as i hadnt eaten since breakfast!), drank some water and read my book. Stupid f**king housework was not on my mind.
As it is the house is no messier than normal, all of DD's stuff is in her boxes, her clean nappies are away, there is two clothes horses with clothes drying on them, there is HIS clothes and sh*t that he leaves lying around in ONE pile, some dishes on the bench and thats it! Im SOOOOO very upset and grumpy and angry that he dare come home and tell me that I should have cleaned the house, had it tidy when the only thing he does is clean the kitchen. I have to do all the vacuuming, clean the bathroom, toilet (he will NEVER do this), lounge, all the washing including his, fold it, sweep up his muddy boot marks. Im so SICK of it, and he turns around and says "you wanted this baby" and expects me to do everything cause im home all day "doing nothing but looking after DD". And the really stupid thing is, is she is fantastic in the weekends when he is home, so he has NO idea how difficult DD can be, and when she is, he never helps. I have just made him take her for a shower and dress her- which is the first time in oh say 11 weeks!!!! Any way sorry for the long post, i needed to vent,
edit: oh and i forgot to say he is fantastic he justs gets stuck on the stupid housework, i dont get it,
Edited by Aethalia
|
|
 |
Sponsored Links
|
|
 |
sbeach
Senior Member
Joined: 17 July 2009
Location: Auckland
Points: 622
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 6:40pm |
men can pricks sometimes cant they???
this may not help but if it were me, I would say something along the lines of
'If the mess bothers you so much you can tidy it up cos Im fine with it for the moment'
or something a bit less nice like
'when did your arms break??'
|
|
 |
1st_Time_Preggies
Senior Member
Joined: 24 May 2009
Location: Auckland
Points: 346
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 6:51pm |
Haha when did your arms break - love it!
Aethalia, my hubby was a bit like this at the start. My DS NEVER slept and I had barely a moment to myself!!! I developed PND so have ZERO motivation to clean or tidy which didn't help.
As DS has grown older and more predictable I am much better at getting things done. But these men to realise that looking after a baby is a 24 hour 7 day a week job. We don't get lunch breaks, we don't get time off, we don't get to go to the loo when we want etc etc etc. It is hard work! So sometimes the housework suffers. So be it!
Oh and the "you wanted this baby" comment, I get that thrown in my face a lot - drives me MAD!!!!
|
 |
Mucky_Tiger
Senior Member
Joined: 26 January 2010
Points: 1649
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 7:04pm |
we dont have any kids but DP came home the other day and threw a nut over the fact the house wasnt tidy and cos im a student who only has classes Tue-Thur i should have plenty of time to tidy the house.
my reply was "oh yea you have two arms, and one broken thumb - that means you can still pick sh*t up, fold the washing, lux and mop the floor - only thing you cant do is the dishes. you work, i study all day" and i promptly went and did the dishes.
he sat there and watched the news for about 10min then picked stuff up and luxed. and hasnt mentioned it since.
he doesnt fold clothes cos im anal about the way they get folded so that they fit into our draws but we only had towels that needed folded.
if he really has a problem with it he will do it not just moan about it.
if you express BM give him a bottle to feed DD her next feed (and the over night one if manageable) just so you can have a break and to show him just how hard it is all day, its not as simple as they see it to be
|
 |
MrsH
Senior Member
Joined: 27 September 2008
Location: Porirua
Points: 859
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:27pm |
What you should say is:
"I'm learning how to parent a child AND I'm nourishing her FROM MY OWN BODY!! Until you do both of those things, you have no idea how tiring it is"
It's blimmen exhausting when you're a new parent. You're breastfeeding (which saps all of your energy), you're learning how to be a Mum and you're constantly worried you're not doing it right, then you worry that you're not eating enough and that your supply is low - Aaargh, the list is neverending!! Actually, it might pay to write a list so that he can see how tiring it is.....
HUGS!!!
Ooh, and that comment made my blood boil.  and was one of the things I was worried about my husband saying to me. Lucky for him, he didn't.
|
|
 |
pekay
Senior Member
Joined: 17 March 2010
Points: 695
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:35pm |
Well, if it makes you feel better, my DD was at least 6months old before I was capable of any form of cleaning and yours is only 3!!
|
 |
nathansmummy
Senior Member
Joined: 20 July 2010
Points: 470
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:45pm |
Actually, I think we should write a list - a letter to all husbands/partners. My husband is exactly the same - he drives me INSANE at the moment... ever since we had the baby actually... It seems to be the same old argument that never gets resolved so I end up doing more and more around the house and with the baby and he does less and less coz I'm sick of the battle.
|
 |
NovemberMum
Senior Member
Joined: 16 March 2007
Location: Hamilton
Points: 2574
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 10:32pm |
gawd there have been times when my husband has come home from work and the house is a tip but he wouldnt dare say anything.
Taking care of children take precident over housework and if you have a baby that cries most of the day it does make it difficult to do anything.
and if thinks the house is a mess now wait till your baby is a toddler then he will know what a mess really is
|
|
 |
Delli
Senior Member
Joined: 12 September 2008
Location: BOP
Points: 747
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 05 August 2010 at 10:45pm |
Vent, vent, vent away.
Have to admit, if my DP ever said anything like that to me - he would be met with some pretty harsh words, probably starting with "Well, f*ck you." Sorry about the profanity  but housework is something I've never given a damn about and never will. Having a baby did nothing to change that. If DP had hoped to have a stepford wife then he would have chosen COMPLETELY the wrong person! Luckily, he knew this well before we decided to have children. Quite seriously, if he expected me to have the house sparkling everyday - it would have been/would be a deal breaker. That's just me though - ask me to do anything else but please not housework!
I do feel guilty sometimes as quite a bit of the time he does more than his fair share of housework. However, I've come to the conclusion that it's all swings and roundabouts. Sometimes I do more housework, have previously supported us as the sole earner and have to be pregnant, give birth and breastfeed  And sometimes he does more housework, is now the sole earner in our household and does a whole lot of other things. Hopefully, it all works out in the end.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
And I have to agree with the others - breastfeeding is tiring just in itself without everything else that goes along with having a baby. It's a simple energy equation - lactation + maintenance requires more energy than just maintenance on its own.
|
|
 |
KazS
Senior Member
Joined: 29 December 2008
Points: 163
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 8:18am |
Hubby came home one friday when our DD was little and a very refluxy baby and hinted at the same thing
Next morning i prepped him some bottles and buggered off for the morning - i walked around the botanic gardens and then went to Mum and Dads to whinge
I got back at 2pm - he was still in his PJs looking frazzled as all buggery
He apologised for being so rude and NEVER has he said anything since and really pitches in with the housework !
Teach him the hard way - men need a kick in the right direction sometimes!
|
 |
caliandjack
Senior Member
Joined: 10 March 2007
Location: West Auckland
Points: 12487
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 10:31am |
I don't clean every day as it is, can guarantee that's not going to change once our daughter is born. I've already said as much to DH, I may end up being home all day but that's so I can be with our daughter not to clean the house.
When ever Dh complains about the state of the house, I always tell him he's welcome to help clean up, he lives there too.
|
  [/url] Angel June 2012
|
 |
NicNOC
Senior Member
Joined: 15 January 2010
Location: Invercargill
Points: 857
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 10:49am |
Yep agree with everyone else. I pretty sure DH wouldn't expect the place to be spick and span all the time - it isn't now so why would that change. My first thoughts were like Kaz - I would leave him to it for a day and see how he goes.
He might have just had a hard day at work, though I wouldn't take to kindly to the "you wanted this baby" comment.
Edited by NicNOC
|
|
 |
Nothing
Senior Member
Joined: 05 June 2009
Location: Nelson
Points: 1470
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 12:16pm |
I had a chat to him in bed last night and just said everything that was on my mind, how he expects me to do all this stuff and he only cleans one part of the house (kitchen, occasionally the lounge). He was very quiet afterwards so I hoping that he may have got the idea that housework is not in my top 5 things to do.
Oh and last night he even had the cheek to say that "I wouldnt want visitors seeing our house like this", I turned around and said "what do you think its going to be like when we have 2 or 3 kids? Toddlers running around, playing with toys, dropping food, their clothes and nappies being washed...... I pretty sure that ALL of our friends and family completely understand about not having a perfect house when there is a small child to look after, I figure as long as there is a seat for them to sit in, a cup for their drink, they will survive.
Today is going slightly better, DD is lying in bed sucking her hand and hopefully going to sleep.... Im eyeing up the washing, but lunch comes first! Thanks for the support, its nice to know others have the same problems
|
|
 |
mcshort
Senior Member
Joined: 19 October 2009
Points: 115
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 1:34pm |
Good on you for venting!!
A day where they have to take over all responsibilities is a great idea, then just quietly remind him what it was like!! I'm pretty lucky with 2 nannas who have actively helped out, but boy when my man had to do a morning where he was responsible for feeding, changing, settling and oh, a bit of housework, life somehow became a lot easier after that!!
I do try to make a point of randomly (ie not in a heated moment!!) thanking him for his hard work that allows me to be at home to raise the family and that has made a difference. Until I get nagged again and bite his head off hehe.
Take heart chick, it does get easier and you will find little ways to find magic minutes to get on top of things! Or at least make a dent in the housework. Our three toilets are about the only things that get cleaned regularly and I have just come to a point where I'm ok, the little guy's ok, and if Dad wants to complain, he gets reminded that the 'cleaning' he does in the kitchen isn't really cleaning - why is it that they don't know how to clean under things?! or wipe a bench?? or drips off a cupboard front...??
Focusing on the baby is a great priority to have!! Go you!!
|
Mum to two very active boys, born October 2008 and December 2010. Getting excited about becoming a Childbirth Educator, and LOVIN being a birth support to amazing and courageous women!
|
 |
SpecialK
Senior Member
Joined: 29 August 2008
Location: New Zealand
Points: 1082
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 2:10pm |
Argh blimmin men!
My DH was able to have a few weeks off when H was born so he saw first hand how much time it took to feed, change, settle etc and generally look after DS, let alone do housework! We don't have my jobs and his jobs, more like this is our house and what needs to be done - if I don't get round to doing something during the day, he helps out in the evening or weekends. Often, I am more than happy to do anything but look after DS (after a day being trailed by a whingy, grumpy, teething toddler) so he looks after him while I tidy.
Seriously if your DF doesn't get the message, I'd do what Kaz did - take off and leave him home alone with your bub for a few hours and see how much he gets done. Or even if he manages to have a shower
|
|
 |
kebakat
Senior Member
Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Palmy North
Points: 10980
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 3:26pm |
Why don't you have a day in bed watching tv or reading a book and get him to do everything, when bubs needs feeding he can bring it into you and he has to sit there while you feed and then hand it back. So he does all the settling, winding, changing etc then he can see how much housework he gets done during the day.
|
 |
LouD
Senior Member
Joined: 11 January 2009
Points: 3898
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 7:27pm |
NovemberMum wrote:
and if thinks the house is a mess now wait till your baby is a toddler then he will know what a mess really is |
LIKE!!!!!
My DH has been having slight hissys over things when he gets home lately. like getting grumpy if stuff on the bench is in his way or saying hes sick of junk on the bench and then starts on a cleaning hissy and I feel hes directly having a go at me cos i dont keep it clean enough..........i snapped at him last night and let him know that his little comments werent going undetected and i wasnt impressed.
I dont think they realise when they complain about mess its a direct blow to us
|
 |
JAFAjaffa
Senior Member
Joined: 24 March 2009
Location: Auckland
Points: 482
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 8:47pm |
My husband is the primary caregiver for our son now since I earn more. He has been for the last 2 months and boy has it been an eye opener for him. He will be at home with him until he is a year old. I honestly think it is something that every dad should do for at least some time so they properly understand just how tiring and hard it is.
He now appreciates that I come home early and do as much housework as I can to help out. And we have a very easy baby!
I really wish that financially I was able to take the whole year off, but since I haven't been able to, at least DH has a whole different perspective on parenting now.
Perhaps you could suggest that your DF stays home all the time and see how he likes that?
|
|
 |
NovemberMum
Senior Member
Joined: 16 March 2007
Location: Hamilton
Points: 2574
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 06 August 2010 at 9:54pm |
I told my husband about this thread and he said if you want a tidy house dont have children :P
|
|
 |
nathansmummy
Senior Member
Joined: 20 July 2010
Points: 470
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 07 August 2010 at 1:29am |
* Like Like Like*
The only down side to giving the baby etc. to DP/DH for one day is that if we were doing what we do for one day, it would be more manageable... it's just the fact that it is day after day that you feel less enthusiastic about all the housework
|
 |