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I need to vent

Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=35102
Printed Date: 26 August 2025 at 6:27pm
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Topic: I need to vent
Posted By: Nothing
Subject: I need to vent
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 5:42pm
Okay so my DF gets home tonight to find me BF our DD in our room. He comes in and goes "whats the story?" as in why the f**k is the house in such a mess, you are a useless lazy person.... So all i said was DD has just woken up and im feeding her. So he goes out to the kitchen to 'tidy up', then when I come out with DD he goes on about the house being a pigsty and he is sick of living in a mess...... and so i explained that I had a whole 45minutes to myslef today, which was spent eating breakfast, having a shower and starting to bake lactation cookies. DD then woke up and wouldnt go back down for 2 hours (after being up for about one) then finally she did just as my friend turned up ( i never have visitors) so i spent 45mins talking to her and baking, then DD woke up and wouldnt go down for another 2 hours, until 45mins before DF gets home, so I sat down, ate some food (as i hadnt eaten since breakfast!), drank some water and read my book. Stupid f**king housework was not on my mind.

As it is the house is no messier than normal, all of DD's stuff is in her boxes, her clean nappies are away, there is two clothes horses with clothes drying on them, there is HIS clothes and sh*t that he leaves lying around in ONE pile, some dishes on the bench and thats it! Im SOOOOO very upset and grumpy and angry that he dare come home and tell me that I should have cleaned the house, had it tidy when the only thing he does is clean the kitchen. I have to do all the vacuuming, clean the bathroom, toilet (he will NEVER do this), lounge, all the washing including his, fold it, sweep up his muddy boot marks. Im so SICK of it, and he turns around and says "you wanted this baby" and expects me to do everything cause im home all day "doing nothing but looking after DD". And the really stupid thing is, is she is fantastic in the weekends when he is home, so he has NO idea how difficult DD can be, and when she is, he never helps. I have just made him take her for a shower and dress her- which is the first time in oh say 11 weeks!!!! Any way sorry for the long post, i needed to vent,

edit: oh and i forgot to say he is fantastic he justs gets stuck on the stupid housework, i dont get it,

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Replies:
Posted By: sbeach
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 6:40pm


men can pricks sometimes cant they???

this may not help but if it were me, I would say something along the lines of

'If the mess bothers you so much you can tidy it up cos Im fine with it for the moment'

or something a bit less nice like

'when did your arms break??'


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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 6:51pm
Haha when did your arms break - love it!

Aethalia, my hubby was a bit like this at the start. My DS NEVER slept and I had barely a moment to myself!!! I developed PND so have ZERO motivation to clean or tidy which didn't help.

As DS has grown older and more predictable I am much better at getting things done. But these men to realise that looking after a baby is a 24 hour 7 day a week job. We don't get lunch breaks, we don't get time off, we don't get to go to the loo when we want etc etc etc. It is hard work! So sometimes the housework suffers. So be it!

Oh and the "you wanted this baby" comment, I get that thrown in my face a lot - drives me MAD!!!!


Posted By: Mucky_Tiger
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 7:04pm

we dont have any kids but DP came home the other day and threw a nut over the fact the house wasnt tidy and cos im a student who only has classes Tue-Thur i should have plenty of time to tidy the house.

my reply was "oh yea you have two arms, and one broken thumb - that means you can still pick sh*t up, fold the washing, lux and mop the floor - only thing you cant do is the dishes. you work, i study all day" and i promptly went and did the dishes.
he sat there and watched the news for about 10min then picked stuff up and luxed. and hasnt mentioned it since.

he doesnt fold clothes cos im anal about the way they get folded so that they fit into our draws but we only had towels that needed folded.


if he really has a problem with it he will do it not just moan about it.

if you express BM give him a bottle to feed DD her next feed (and the over night one if manageable) just so you can have a break and to show him just how hard it is all day, its not as simple as they see it to be


Posted By: MrsH
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:27pm
What you should say is:

"I'm learning how to parent a child AND I'm nourishing her FROM MY OWN BODY!! Until you do both of those things, you have no idea how tiring it is"

It's blimmen exhausting when you're a new parent. You're breastfeeding (which saps all of your energy), you're learning how to be a Mum and you're constantly worried you're not doing it right, then you worry that you're not eating enough and that your supply is low - Aaargh, the list is neverending!! Actually, it might pay to write a list so that he can see how tiring it is.....

HUGS!!!

Ooh, and that comment made my blood boil. and was one of the things I was worried about my husband saying to me. Lucky for him, he didn't.

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Posted By: pekay
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:35pm
Well, if it makes you feel better, my DD was at least 6months old before I was capable of any form of cleaning and yours is only 3!!


Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:45pm
Actually, I think we should write a list - a letter to all husbands/partners. My husband is exactly the same - he drives me INSANE at the moment... ever since we had the baby actually... It seems to be the same old argument that never gets resolved so I end up doing more and more around the house and with the baby and he does less and less coz I'm sick of the battle.


Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 10:32pm
gawd there have been times when my husband has come home from work and the house is a tip but he wouldnt dare say anything.

Taking care of children take precident over housework and if you have a baby that cries most of the day it does make it difficult to do anything.

and if thinks the house is a mess now wait till your baby is a toddler then he will know what a mess really is

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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 10:45pm
Vent, vent, vent away.

Have to admit, if my DP ever said anything like that to me - he would be met with some pretty harsh words, probably starting with "Well, f*ck you." Sorry about the profanity but housework is something I've never given a damn about and never will. Having a baby did nothing to change that. If DP had hoped to have a stepford wife then he would have chosen COMPLETELY the wrong person! Luckily, he knew this well before we decided to have children. Quite seriously, if he expected me to have the house sparkling everyday - it would have been/would be a deal breaker. That's just me though - ask me to do anything else but please not housework!

I do feel guilty sometimes as quite a bit of the time he does more than his fair share of housework. However, I've come to the conclusion that it's all swings and roundabouts. Sometimes I do more housework, have previously supported us as the sole earner and have to be pregnant, give birth and breastfeed And sometimes he does more housework, is now the sole earner in our household and does a whole lot of other things. Hopefully, it all works out in the end.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

And I have to agree with the others - breastfeeding is tiring just in itself without everything else that goes along with having a baby. It's a simple energy equation - lactation + maintenance requires more energy than just maintenance on its own.

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Posted By: KazS
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 8:18am
Hubby came home one friday when our DD was little and a very refluxy baby and hinted at the same thing

Next morning i prepped him some bottles and buggered off for the morning - i walked around the botanic gardens and then went to Mum and Dads to whinge

I got back at 2pm - he was still in his PJs looking frazzled as all buggery

He apologised for being so rude and NEVER has he said anything since and really pitches in with the housework !

Teach him the hard way - men need a kick in the right direction sometimes!


Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 10:31am

I don't clean every day as it is, can guarantee that's not going to change once our daughter is born.
I've already said as much to DH, I may end up being home all day but that's so I can be with our daughter not to clean the house.

When ever Dh complains about the state of the house, I always tell him he's welcome to help clean up, he lives there too.



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Angel June 2012


Posted By: NicNOC
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 10:49am
Yep agree with everyone else. I pretty sure DH wouldn't expect the place to be spick and span all the time - it isn't now so why would that change. My first thoughts were like Kaz - I would leave him to it for a day and see how he goes.

He might have just had a hard day at work, though I wouldn't take to kindly to the "you wanted this baby" comment.

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Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 12:16pm
I had a chat to him in bed last night and just said everything that was on my mind, how he expects me to do all this stuff and he only cleans one part of the house (kitchen, occasionally the lounge). He was very quiet afterwards so I hoping that he may have got the idea that housework is not in my top 5 things to do.

Oh and last night he even had the cheek to say that "I wouldnt want visitors seeing our house like this", I turned around and said "what do you think its going to be like when we have 2 or 3 kids? Toddlers running around, playing with toys, dropping food, their clothes and nappies being washed...... I pretty sure that ALL of our friends and family completely understand about not having a perfect house when there is a small child to look after, I figure as long as there is a seat for them to sit in, a cup for their drink, they will survive.

Today is going slightly better, DD is lying in bed sucking her hand and hopefully going to sleep.... Im eyeing up the washing, but lunch comes first! Thanks for the support, its nice to know others have the same problems

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Posted By: mcshort
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 1:34pm
Good on you for venting!!

A day where they have to take over all responsibilities is a great idea, then just quietly remind him what it was like!! I'm pretty lucky with 2 nannas who have actively helped out, but boy when my man had to do a morning where he was responsible for feeding, changing, settling and oh, a bit of housework, life somehow became a lot easier after that!!

I do try to make a point of randomly (ie not in a heated moment!!) thanking him for his hard work that allows me to be at home to raise the family and that has made a difference. Until I get nagged again and bite his head off hehe.

Take heart chick, it does get easier and you will find little ways to find magic minutes to get on top of things! Or at least make a dent in the housework. Our three toilets are about the only things that get cleaned regularly and I have just come to a point where I'm ok, the little guy's ok, and if Dad wants to complain, he gets reminded that the 'cleaning' he does in the kitchen isn't really cleaning - why is it that they don't know how to clean under things?! or wipe a bench?? or drips off a cupboard front...??

Focusing on the baby is a great priority to have!! Go you!!

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Mum to two very active boys, born October 2008 and December 2010. Getting excited about becoming a Childbirth Educator, and LOVIN being a birth support to amazing and courageous women!


Posted By: SpecialK
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 2:10pm
Argh blimmin men!

My DH was able to have a few weeks off when H was born so he saw first hand how much time it took to feed, change, settle etc and generally look after DS, let alone do housework! We don't have my jobs and his jobs, more like this is our house and what needs to be done - if I don't get round to doing something during the day, he helps out in the evening or weekends. Often, I am more than happy to do anything but look after DS (after a day being trailed by a whingy, grumpy, teething toddler) so he looks after him while I tidy.

Seriously if your DF doesn't get the message, I'd do what Kaz did - take off and leave him home alone with your bub for a few hours and see how much he gets done. Or even if he manages to have a shower

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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 3:26pm
Why don't you have a day in bed watching tv or reading a book and get him to do everything, when bubs needs feeding he can bring it into you and he has to sit there while you feed and then hand it back. So he does all the settling, winding, changing etc then he can see how much housework he gets done during the day.


Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 7:27pm
Originally posted by NovemberMum NovemberMum wrote:


and if thinks the house is a mess now wait till your baby is a toddler then he will know what a mess really is


LIKE!!!!!

My DH has been having slight hissys over things when he gets home lately. like getting grumpy if stuff on the bench is in his way or saying hes sick of junk on the bench and then starts on a cleaning hissy and I feel hes directly having a go at me cos i dont keep it clean enough..........i snapped at him last night and let him know that his little comments werent going undetected and i wasnt impressed.

I dont think they realise when they complain about mess its a direct blow to us


Posted By: JAFAjaffa
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 8:47pm
My husband is the primary caregiver for our son now since I earn more. He has been for the last 2 months and boy has it been an eye opener for him. He will be at home with him until he is a year old. I honestly think it is something that every dad should do for at least some time so they properly understand just how tiring and hard it is.

He now appreciates that I come home early and do as much housework as I can to help out. And we have a very easy baby!

I really wish that financially I was able to take the whole year off, but since I haven't been able to, at least DH has a whole different perspective on parenting now.

Perhaps you could suggest that your DF stays home all the time and see how he likes that?

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Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 9:54pm
I told my husband about this thread and he said if you want a tidy house dont have children :P

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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 1:29am
* Like Like Like*

The only down side to giving the baby etc. to DP/DH for one day is that if we were doing what we do for one day, it would be more manageable... it's just the fact that it is day after day that you feel less enthusiastic about all the housework


Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 8:31am
Originally posted by NovemberMum NovemberMum wrote:

I told my husband about this thread and he said if you want a tidy house dont have children :P


*LIKE*, this is fantastic,

My DF turned around and was asking me "how I was going to cope with more than one child, potentially 3 under 5", I was like "WTF, IM the one who DOESNT have a problem with the housework, I will cope just fine" he is the one who always goes on about it, he should be worried how its going to be once there are more kids. GRRRRRR Then he had the cheek to eat ALL my chocoate bar one piece (there was half a block)..... AFTER scoffing a whole block of his own!

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Posted By: UpsyDaisy
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 9:49am
The 4 or so times I've been out babies have been good for DH.. which is good but would also like him to see whats its like when they are not. They were both hungry at the same time once and he considered ringing his mum but worked out how to give them both a bottle somehow.

DS guzzles down a bottle in what seems like seconds compared to a BF, DD takes about the same time as a BF. Then DH rushes around house cleaning etc to make a point to me that it can be done....how annoying is that it was good to have a tidy house but I heard about how he can do it all for the next week...


Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 8:16pm
Jules....has he done it for a whole day? That's what made the difference here. DH has looked after the girls by himself twice since they were born. He won't do it again, unless he doesn't have any choice.


Posted By: Angs1982
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 6:23pm
OMG just wait until you have a toddler. My place is always trashed!!!!!!!!!!

When Kate was young I was OTT about keeping the place spotless. Now I don't even attempt because she just gets more toys out and untidies as fast as I can tidy.


Posted By: jano1
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 8:20pm
Same here Ang DH still manages to complain about it though

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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 11:22pm
God I feel lucky .
My DH never ever complains about the housework , even if the place is a tip when he gets home , and he will look after the kids for the entire day , sometimes both , in the weekend and make me relax and wont complain , or use it against me .

In fact IM the one who will often feel guilty for not doing enough and he tells me off for it , because im growing a baby , and before I was pregnant and Ty was a baby , he would tell me that it takes 18months for your body to go back to normal and would make sure I knew that if I felt bad , he would not be impressed because he is happy with things how they are .



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Posted By: UpsyDaisy
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 10:22am

Hehe think would be a different story if he had them for a whole day he has looked after them several times but only for a few hours as am still BF.

DH was really helpful over the weekend and did heaps of housework and he usually cooks dinner too. He does do stuff to help I guess its just that he thinks he is so awesome when he does it and I think he should just do it? Does that sound ungrateful?

mink8e would your DH just look after one for a bit not as good as him taking both obviously but one time DH took one twin round to his mums even that felt like a break as I only had to worry about one baby.

Kelly your DH sounds lovely




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