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Treen 
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 Topic: Dads staying at Birthcare
Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:19pm |
Argh, DH has just asked me if I've booked a corner room at Birthcare so he can stay there in comfort. I was hoping he wouldn't find out that he could stay but a friend let it slip that he stayed. I don't really want him there as I think I would get quite tense having him peer over my shoulder as I'm learning how to be a mum. He's got a really bad habit of questioning the way I do things and despite the countless arguments we've had, he just can't help himself.
Is it the norm for Dads to stay? I think I've hurt his feelings by telling him I don't want him there and now I feel guilty as he has every right to be there and I would anxious if I were him staying at home alone whilst his wife and newborn child were halfway across town. There might also be some bonding issues too if I get a 3 night head start and he's left in the dark.
I don't know what to do now. I feel guilty saying he can't stay but I really can't see myself biting my tongue whilst he tells me how he thinks I should try to breast feed. 
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SarahJane
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:31pm |
For my personal point of view... you both need to learn to be parents, not necessarily just you needing to learn how to be a mum.
Your DH has a role, that is in looking after you while you look after bubs. You will need his help while you learn to bf, his job will be bringing you water, the phone and food (and that is just the tip of the iceberg, there will be tears and frustration in there that he will end up listening to, all the emotional stuff).
There is a big picture here about how you are both going to parent your child, and the roles that you each will have, and that first night after birth is just the very very beginning of that negotiation.
Now is the time to start talking and for each of you to listen to each other, it is much easier to talk now than in the middle of a hormonal, exhausted, stressed out time that is a brand new baby.
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myfullhouse
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:37pm |
When I had Jack he was born at 6.56pm at Waitakere and DH wasn't allowed to stay, I was actually quite anxious about being there by myself, I was also tired etc etc after the birth. I would ahve liked my DH to have stayed so that I wasn't alone, and I think I would have liked him there for the other nights as well but mainly for the company. However I know that DH would have been just as much in the dark as me and wouldn't have 'known everything'.
With Ben DH could have stayed at Helensville but Jack couldn't therefore DH stayed at home with Jack. I was ok with that this time, I actually enjoyed being on my own.
I don't think I would have coped if DH was telling me what to do. Him not being there hasn't effected him bonding with either of the boys. I would think that the vast majority of Dads don't stay at the hospital/birthcentre as many of them don't allow it.
Personally I think that you need to do what is best for you as if you are stressed/concerned etc then it will likely make it harder on you with bf etc and baby may pick up on it. Sorry though, can't help with getting rid of the guilts, unfortunately it is a common feeling for mothers! 
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Treen
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:47pm |
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Thanks SJ, I guess we've got a lot of work to do in regards to how we approach the learning process then. I will be the primary caregiver and I like to learn by doing things myself, making my own mistakes and learning from them etc. I can get super wound up by DH telling me how to do things that I feel I should know (like he does already with the cooking, cleaning etc) and I sooo don't want an argument at Birthcare. We're both very stubborn. So yeah, not sure it'll work but I'll give it a go.
So do most Dads stay at Birthcare then?
Perhaps I should write a bit of an extension to my birth plan... a special extension for how DH and I want things to go at Birthcare that we can share with each other.
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hannibal
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:49pm |
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Oh I so would have JUMPED at the chance of DH staying - unfornately Queen Mary in Dunedin doesn't offer overstay nights for dads and even if they did DH wouldn't have stayed, I even had one old drill sargent of a nurse tell DH he wasn't welcome to stay - hello god knows why she thought he was! I found it quite hard - as we aren't from here and DH is self employed - so he didn't actually spend more than two hours a day (if I was lucky) visiting and to make it worse I had to stay in a week after having bubs and was readmitted two days after going home for a further three due to high BP. To have DH there in the night would have been great especially as bubs wasn't interested in BF and I had to try expressing - I would be up for hours in the night trying to feed and then expressing and then it would all start again so to have had someone else just being able to have a cuddle with bubs or a nappy so I could have abit of sleep would have been bliss. While the staff are great - they will only do so much for you and a couple of nights they did take bubs out but only because I had a nice migraine. You don't need to make any decisions - why not book the corner room and think on it? If he does have a habit of questioning maybe just advise him not too! otherwise he might find his accommodation being rearranged. Goodluck
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Kicker
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 9:59pm |
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We didn't get a corner room when i was at birthcare (as they get taken very quickly and are allocated on a first come first served basis) but they did say that partners could stay. We decided to have DH stay but they ran out of trundler beds so DH slept on the lazy boy.
Although it was quite nice having him there for the first night, he got no sleep and neither did i just because he kept tossing and turning. The other two night he didn't bother staying, just stayed with us till about 9pm and then turned up at 7am in the morning.
I think this worked out well as he got sleep and then helped look after the baby during the day when i could get a little more sleep. In my limited experience babies like to feed non stop on the second day and i didn't see the point in DH being there getting tired when he couldn't really feed bubs anyway. I made sure he got to do a lot of the parenting when he came up to visit for the days. To help with their bonding he got to dress her for the first time, and did the first bath with me helping at the end.
Ultimately if you don't want DH there as you will find it stressful then i think you should find a diplomatic way of telling him, as i think its stressful enough dealing with a newborn as a first time mum. Just my two cents worth though.
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fire_engine
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 10:30pm |
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I hated DH leaving in the evenings - nights were hell for the first few days and I would spend hours walking Daniel up and down the corridor cos the stupid MW told me he was windy. I would have loved to have someone to share that load. ALso it would have been good for DH to see the reality - he got a huge shock when we came home and got really depressed - I think it might have helped (though it was good for him to get some sleep!). Maybe talk about what would be helpful from him but be prepared to review that on a day by day basis. It can all change depending on the delivery, your hormones, how feeding/sleeping is going etc.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 05 November 2009 at 10:39pm |
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if he stays you will get charged for his meals... maybe you could compromise and get him him to stay the first night only.
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lilfatty
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 6:38am |
I actually think you will find him a huge help especially if this is your first child.
DH got to stay with me in hospital and tbh I dont think I could have made it through without him .. I was up all hours of the night trying to feed a child (he helped me latch as there is such a shortage of mw's at night) and made me food and drinks, walked up and down for hours on end with a crying baby so I could get a nap and held me when I bawled my eyes out with frustration as I didnt know how to do this "Mum stuff".
He also got to learn how to change a nappy, how to bath a baby (which is obviously a lot different to a doll) lol and he also remembered the tips the mw's gave me about trying to latch, so he was able to say "lets just try this way" when I was getting frustrated and upset because I couldnt get Isabelle on the nipple properly.
Yes I snapped at him when he was offering advice .. but because he wasnt Mum, it meant he took on loads of information and could recall it for me when my sleep deprived brain "lost it"
Oh and to answer your question - its very common for Dads to stay at BC.
With Elias - he wasnt allowed to stay .. and I hated it, even though I knew what I was doing, it meant I had to make my own toast at 3am and change ALL the dirty nappies 
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busybee
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 8:26am |
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I would loooove it if DH could stay with me at Birthcare but we won't be able to afford it.
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cuppatea
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 9:10am |
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I would have liked my DH to stay but it's not an option at CWH, he stayed till about 10pm and then found they had locked his car in the carpark cos visiting is till 10 for partners but the hospital multistory carpark closes at 9pm. So he ended up forking out $50 for a taxi home, anyway that has nothing to do with this thread. I had had a c/s and although I could move by the time he went home, it hurt a lot and was very difficult so I was still having to push the buzzer every time Spencer needed feeding cos I couldn't get him out the bassinet or putting back to sleep or having his nappy changed and it would have been nice if DH could have done all that instead of some random stranger, especially considering that all but one of the mw just treated him like he was an object not a baby. He also remembered things from antenatal about feeding, burping and general baby behaviour that I had either forgot or was to sleep deprived to think about.
However I can understand where you are coming from and only you know what is best in your situation. Perhaps you could politely suggest that it would be good if one of you had a good nights sleep so it would be better if he went home and slept and then came in fresh to help you in the day. That way he can take baby in the day for a bit why you get some naps etc. That way you aren't telling him not to be there and you are asking him to help but in a different way.
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MrsH
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 9:31am |
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OMG, I would have LOOOOOOVED it if my DH was allowed to stay with me in hospital but unfortunately they're not allowed. Instead, he had to drive home at 5am after being awake for almost 24 hours. I worried the whole time he was gone until I had heard from him.
I think it is a good idea to get things straight with him before the birth if he is prone to being a know-it-all. That'd drive me nuts too.
Don't forget that the first two nights are the hardest and the baby will want to eat almost 24/7 so it would be good to be able to feed and them palm off for a bit of a rest.
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ohanlon82
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 9:35am |
I will be going to Birthcare too - so hopefully i can get DH to stay.. i know he wants too and i really want him too
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Skrip
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 9:45am |
I think it's a very personal thing if you want him to be there or not. I have 2 boys already and a girl due in 10 weeks. It is my partners first child and he is so excited. I'm hoping to birth at Helensville and then DP will stay the first night and go home the other nights. Luckily we only live around the corner.
Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your DP and explain your reasons for not wanting him to stay. I know my previous births I would have loved for my ex to have stayed with me but he couldn't :( You might feel differently after 24 hours of labour!
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SquishysMum
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 10:25am |
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I had a corner room as Birthcare (oh the perks of delivering there!), but DH didn't stay. We decided he needed to get some sleep in before we came home! My mum ended up flying up the day after DD was born and stayed the 2nd night, which was a godsend! I didn't have a very good birthcare 'aftercare' experience, and it was so good to have mum there to ask questions to when the MW's were too busy (ie EVERY time I called!).
So, it was good to have someone there for the second night, the first night I was ok, and for the 3rd night I didn't want to stay any longer there so we left to come home at 10pm.
Maybe if he stayed one night, and then got sent home to 'prepare' for baby's arrival for the rest of it?
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RinTinTin
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 10:40am |
Treen - I know how you feel with you DH being one to question everything you do, my DP can get that way.
Firstly, just remember he is learning too and he will probably surprise you with the info he takes on board and how much you might appreciate his help.
Just remember this - If he questions how you're doing things you can always say to him "Hey babe, let me learn how to do this" OR "Well go find me a nurse/MW and ask them to come help me to make sure" (at least with the last one he has to leave the room!)
I am sure you'll be tired enough to be able to snap that kind of stuff out.
Also at Birthcare centres you have lovely lovely MW's who will come in and help you at any time. So whenever you go to do something with baby, hit the buzzer and an MW will come to help. That way they are helping, your DH can't question if you're doing it right and you're being taught by the best and gleaning all the little bits of info off them that you can.
Thats my plan anyway.
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Treen
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 11:00am |
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Thanks for all the great advice, girls, I love this site!
DH and I talked about it some more last night and I said that it might be a bit distracting if he was there making suggestions while I'm trying to learn the basics. He certainly didn't deny this. In the end I changed my mind and said that I would like him to be there. I suggested it would be good for us to both learn how to change a nappy, bath the baby etc to which he replied "I already know how to do all that." Hmm, that response kinda confirms my concerns, don't you think?
I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up. As SJ says, he will be there to look after me so I can look after bubs and I know he will do a brilliant job of that. And like a number of you have said, I'm going be so exhausted, I'll need all the help I can get!
And Carin, that's a great idea! Every time he starts telling me how he think I should do something, I'll send him out to get a midwife or get me something to drink etc.
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MrsH
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 11:07am |
It might pay to start working on your "You better shut your mouth right now before I rip your arms off and beat you to death with them" look.
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lilfatty
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 11:17am |
 AmStaff wrote:
Treen
Also at Birthcare centres you have lovely lovely MW's who will come in and help you at any time. So whenever you go to do something with baby, hit the buzzer and an MW will come to help. That way they are helping, your DH can't question if you're doing it right and you're being taught by the best and gleaning all the little bits of info off them that you can.
Thats my plan anyway. |
Ummm ... I dont want to burst your bubble .. but that is not the experience quite a few people have while staying at birthcare ... too many mums not enough mw's  (especially at night when you need help the most)
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minik8e
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Posted: 06 November 2009 at 11:35am |
We were "slightly" different, as the girls were in the Neonatal Unit, but I don't know how I could have done it without DH. As lilfatty has already said, the best part was he wasn't as sleep deprived as me, therefore he took things in a LOT better than I did, and could remind me (especially how to latch the girls). He just wanted to be so involved that he asked lots of questions, he would make me Milos when I wanted them or toast, he got me what I wanted  DH wasn't allowed to stay, but there were nights I wished he could - when the baby blues set in especially!!! He got to stay overnight for the last week they were in the Unit, so we could both be used to their routines etc, and it was wonderful - he got to learn what it was like to get up in the night, and how you feel the next day and it really gave him a much better understanding of what like is REALLY like with babies  !!
DH is a bit like your DH - tells me I'm doing something wrong etc, even now he does it, but I do it back to him and he soon stops because he gets to experience how it feels.
After that ramble, it's up to you how comfortable you feel, but his support can be invaluable when you need it the most - when you ARE learning to be a mum for the first time.
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Dads staying at Birthcare
