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GuestGuest 
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 Topic: Why do you want a baby?
Posted: 20 February 2009 at 12:03pm |
Hi everyone, I am a bit of a lurker on here, still trying to decide whether or not we want to start a family yet. I'd be interested to hear the reasons for you wanting a baby (or more babies?) Reading different threads on here it seems all people do is moan about everything eg...MS, getting fat, feeling tired, how bad labour is, how hard breastfeeding is, screaming babies, bratty kids etc. Tends to put me off! 
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mylilmosaic
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 12:57pm |
lol all those things are exactly how hard pregnancy and being parents is! The reason people moan is because its a form of getting it off your chest or venting as such.
BUT on the other side of the coin is all the rewards e.g. having a family with the person you love, that first kick from your baby during pregancy, seeing your first scan, baby's first smile, first step, first tooth, the special bond with your child thats like no other, lol, and I could go on and on but I guess you get the drift. 
I think there is nothing more rewarding than guiding, loving and protecting your child/children through their formative years. 
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:12pm |
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I dont think there were any rational reasons for me wanting a child. I just did - it was a biological thing and I couldnt think of anything else for years.
I've never regretted having my daughter (regardless of how much I moan).
Would love to have more children!
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james
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:23pm |
I moan alot but would never change the fact that i had him not in a millon years 
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emz
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:29pm |
I think on a forum full of women you are bound to get a lot of moaning about kids 
For me, it was being able to make another being with my DH, to 'complete' us as such, and also having the responsibility of moulding another human into being a fully functioning and worthwhile member of society is very rewarding! It is the hardest, yet most enjoyable, rewardable and fulfilling things you could ever do.
Also for us, the timing of it was due to some health issues I have, and also I always wanted to be a younger mother so I can be a younger grandmother too
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T_Rex
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:31pm |
 AzzaNZ wrote:
I dont think there were any rational reasons for me wanting a child. I just did - it was a biological thing and I couldnt think of anything else for years.
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That's pretty much it for me too. I'm a very logical person usually, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't rationalise having a baby. Financially it's bad; career wise for me it's totally crazy; some of my other interests would have to go out the window, and I'd have to share my wonderful DH with someone else.
There really wasn't much in the 'pro' column other than I REALLY want to! Plus I think it would be fun (mostly).
Not a very helpful answer, but I don't really know that there is one!
Basically, we have bought a house we could raise a family in, I've got my career off to a really good start and we can afford it now, so there aren't really any more good excuses to wait. I figured all the other reasons not to would still be there whenever we did it, so may as well give in to wanting it and do it now. And this way, if it turns out that it takes ages to get pregnant, we've got time to sort it out.
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:32pm |
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Well, to be brutally honest, I never ever wanted children for alot of reasons. Career and lifestlye were the two biggies, plus my now husband already had a at the time 12 year old from his forst marriage ad that was more that enough fo rme. I was going places with my job and we had made some tentative travel arrangements around transferring out of the country.
However, I accidently got pregnant with our first and considered not going through with the pregnancy. I had a huge bleed on the day I found out, and the 3 or 4 days wait to see if there was still a baby made me realise that I had a choice here, and as an almost 30 year old woman with a good job, own home and stable relationship, there was no reason not to face up to the consequences, so despite the worst pregnancy ever and being miserable and sick the whole time as well as other complications, then a horrific birth, we came out relatively unscathed. We, well my other half, decided we needed to give Jake a sibling so as he wouldn't end up spoilt, selfish and obnoxious like his eldest, and reluctantly I agreed. That pregnancy was even worse, and I decided early on that there was no way in hell I was ever doing this again, so I booked myself in for a tubal ligation when I was 8 moths pregnat (so it could be done if I needed a ceaser). Despite the horrible pregnancy, I had a fantastic birth experience and a cruisy baby.
I do have to be honest and say though, if I had my time again, as much Ias I love my two children with all my heart like I couldn't even imagine possible, I would probably choose not to have children. I do love them, don't get me wrong, but I am not a "natural" mother at all. I don't have regrets, but, like I said if I had my time again...
Also, two children is a million times harder than one. People with one child have it easy! You are much more tied with two, with just one, there is a bit more freedom to do stuff with only the one in tow....
Please don't let me put you off, I am just being frank about my own postion. I would quite honestly say, if there is any dobt at all, put it off for a bit longer. That said tho, I guess there is no "right" time, either.
Oh, I do have to say, the rewards are endless, tho, and the love is something you can't even imagine you are capable of, and your heart just swells when you look at them, or smell there wee heads or kiss their baby soft skin.
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Jane25
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:53pm |
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For me, I just absolutely love and adore babies and kids and I think it will be a really nice thing for me and my husband to go through together.
Also, I have a great relationship with my parents and my parents in-laws and vice versa for my DH. So I guess when I am older I would like to have that same relationship with my "adult" children.....gee that's thinking far ahead isn't it!!!
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mrshouse
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 1:55pm |
im with Fattartsrock.............i couldnt have said it better.........
i didnt want kids-i wanted career and money and to just be "selfish". But DH wanted them, i would watch him playing with other kids and would break my heart knowing how much kids would make him happy and i would not give it to him. so i got pregnant-hated pregnancy and she was the hardest little baby to care for.....but then she grew older and just watching her....i knew i wanted another one. number2 was an oopsie but and oopsie that i secretly was happy for.....pregnancy wasnt so bad this time and shes the most easiest baby.....im not a "natural" mother as Fattartsrock puts it....but i know im doing a great job!....its Fricken hard and if it wasnt for this forum for me to moan and complain i would go nuts....when days are good i want another one-but when days are bad i swear kids off for good.....thats life...but i know at the end of the day and in years to come having children will be the most rewarding and successful thing ive accomplished in my life!
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caliandjack
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 2:07pm |
For me its taken a long time to get to the point of wanting and now trying for children, I'm 35 years old, and have travelled, bought the house and have been working for now 18 years, meeting DH was probably what changed my mind about children.
If I wasn't married and in a stable relationship with him, I would be doing this. I can now say I am actually ready, I have no romatic illusions of how tough it can be going through pregnancy, child birth and raising a baby/child.
I did consider not having children, and came to the conclusion that a life without them isn't for me. I am the last of my family and my peers to have children and consider myself mature and responsible enough to cope with the consequences.
Also to be honest from what I've seen and heard from other mothers, the early stages are the hardest, a number of my friends now have kids at school and find it much easier than when they were babies.
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Redbedrock
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 3:08pm |
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Yep i'm with annie, we bnoth strongly felt that children wuold get in the way and enjoyed our lifestyle - travelling, eating out and careers. I was 35 and was really late so did a HPT and it was negative and surprisingly i was gutted, so we had another talk and decided to stop not trying to have a baby (IYKWIM). so i am 39 now with a 2 year old, life is very different and most days i wouldn't change it for the world, but it hasn't been the easiest three years.
so I guess it was a biological clock thing for us, but as I am clawing my way to 40 kicking and screaming I am sure Fay is going to be an only. I loved pregnanacy, birth was a real doddle but I cannot face the idea of going through that first 9 minths ever again- but Fay was prem, we had huge issues with BF and I had PND - might be different again next time - I know each time is individual
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T_Rex
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 3:18pm |
Interesting perspectives
I guess for me, it was more of a question of when, rather than if. So given I was going to do it one day, I may as well do it now. Personally I couldn't imagine not having kids, but thats just how I (and DH, fortunately) feel.
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sweetpea
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 3:26pm |
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Hmm now that is a leading question. I guess for me its something that i have always wanted and now that we got the house, we are married it seems to be the next logical step for us. I do know one thing though that if iwas to be on my death bed and look back on my life the one thing i think i would regret the most was not trying for children its a different story if i had tried but they just didn't happen. Also i think that now that i am older i ambetter able to cope with the stress that children bring.
Its true though it is a biolgical thing and as we get older we realsie our own mortality more and take comfort that as part of us our children is still here when we go.
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GuestGuest
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 4:06pm |
Thanks for the honest replies.
Both DH and I are 32 and have never really felt the urge to have children. We both have careers and a lifestyle that we enjoy and are really happy. As more and more of our friends have babies we experience a huge pressure from our families, friends, and overall society to do the same. It's not that we don't want to have children, it's more that we don't want to disrupt the lifestyle that we have now and as years go by I definitely think it gets harder and harder to make that shift. Combine that with the negative feedback I get from friends and family members with babies, as well as all of the mothers on here and it makes me wonder why I would want to do it! I know it is rewarding etc and I spend plenty of time looking after my nieces to get a taste of that, but if we are happy now, I guess we wonder why we would want to change that.
I wish there wasn't a cut off point because as every year I get older it gets more important to make the crucial decision. Tick Tock 
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Febgirl
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 4:14pm |
To be honest I was never very clucky - but I'd done the buying house, getting career established, getting married, travelling thing and having a baby seemed like the next logical step! Even after I got pregnant as planned, I was never over the moon - I was happy but never really excited.
I had my daughter at 30, and now I have her I am super clucky and we are trying for #2! (DD has just turned 1). Babies are fantastic, if I'd know it was going to be this fun I would have had one years ago  Well, maybe not years ago, but probably would have started in my late 20s rather than early 30s.
Edited - Just wanted to emphasis that babies are really fun - I had no idea that I would enjoy being a mum so much. It opens your eyes to all the little things you take for granted or no longer see as you grow up - you get to experience a whole new side to life and it's wonderful. Of course there are hard times too, but the good outweighs the bad 5 to 1. I went back to work part time and my career hasn't suffered at all either, so you don't necessarily have to lose all your pre-baby 'status' either (your pre-baby figure on the other hand, that's another story! )
Edited by Febgirl
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Two little girls under 2!
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busyissy
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 6:14pm |
The thing is that despite it being hard and having to give up a lot it is worth it. The moaning is really just a form of cheap therapy . OHbaby is great for that, as only other mums really know what it is like, how much you love them and worry about them. If you really look and read the threads a lot of it is mums asking other mums (and dads) for their advice on issues that are worrying them. Sometimes there is something that just outright sucks and you need to vent and it is wonderful to have parents who can say with complete honesty "l know what you mean" - that is all it is really.
But none of the hard stuff, or the worry, the tiredness can compare to the share joy of bringing your baby into the world, watching them grow and learn and the fun you can have with them. DH and I often wonder what we fulled our lives up with before we had children, looking back at before it all seems a bit shallow. I moan but I would never be without them.
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choco69
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 6:31pm |
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well i guess my reasons aren't too different however my situation is alot different from most
i'm now 39 and literally knocking on the door of 40! due to a lifetime of disastrous relationships and poor taste in men this is a solo journey for me
deciding to have a baby was probably one of the hardest decisions i ever had to make - i looked at everything from a multitude of different angles, talked to dr's, a therapist and my family - ultimately i knew i would always regret it if i never tried to become a mother.
being a mum is something i have always wanted ... i have always loved children and they, luckily, love me back
i know things won't be easy, i guess i am lucky in that my family and friends are really supportive of my decision, hell even told my boss and she said when the time comes we will think up creative ways to keep me earning money as they don't want me to leave
and yes before anyone says it, or at the very least thinks it, i am doing this the 'safe' way - i have found a donor, we've both had all the testing, and have signed a parental agreement so everything is sorted
now i just have to get a BFP
Edited by choco69
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bluebird
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 8:54pm |
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This is so interesting hearing everyones thoughts.
I didn't try to get pregnant with my daughter. She wasn't an accident as we knew what we were doing, but I was too young to make that decision I realise now.
Anyway, when I tested positive, I figured that as it wasn't an accident that it would be wrong to get an abortion, and I "didn't want to go through the pregnancy and come out with nothing at the end" so have given it my best shot.
I don't regret it at all. You can still have the career (in my situation, I never left school and and only just starting my career now).
For me, my theory is to do all the travel and have the money later. In fact it will work out that I will be 32 when Mia is 18 so will be earning good money when there is only me to spend it on.
Though, when I went on holiday to Europe last year and could sleep in and go out and do what I wanted I was shocked by how meaningless it all seemed.
That's when I decided to try for my second when I got back, as I figured that I shouldn't put off having a 'real' family just because society doesn't approve.
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DD1 10/10/04
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Bunny
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Posted: 20 February 2009 at 9:24pm |
This is a really interesting thread. Not sure if my story will help any but here it is.
I have two children my son is 20 and my daughter is 17, I was my daughter's age when I got pregnant with my son, and yes he was planned. I knew I wanted children right from the time I was 10 years old and I knew I would have a boy first and his name would be Andrew Michael and sure enough it happened. Obviously I was very young and I had no idea that Andrew was such an awesome baby until his sister came along and then I realised that I had had it sweet with him - basically for the first six months of her life she didn't like sleeping and I think I walked around like a zombie Anyway they grew up as they do and I have never once regretted having them, I split up with there dad when they were 8 & 5 and that was tough on them but we got through it and now my awesome kids are amazing young adults and my best friends.
Now my fantastic DP and I are TTC and my kids (esp my girl) think it's fantastic and they can't wait to have a baby brother or sister. I can't imagine life without children, they are worth every moment - happy or sad. So yes we may grumble and groan but please don't let it put you off because it really is just venting
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Emmecat
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Posted: 21 February 2009 at 8:42am |
This is such a hard question and it's been awesome to see the ladies on the boards answer it so honestly! I shall endevour to do so too:
I also am not (I suspect) a 'natural' mother...we shall find that out in 12 weeks or so though lol. I say that I suspect as much simply because my DP has a couple of kids from his 1st marriage, who are quite nice and we all get on well, but whom I could honestly take or leave. I certainly don't love them and don't miss them if we don't see them for a bit (like if they go away with their mum for a holiday).
We also have foster son living with us permanently, full time, who we shall also most likely adopt. DP's reasons for doing this are more altruistic than mine on this matter.....he is related by blood to the little chap and there literally is noone else to care for him except CYFS and there's no way DP would let that happen. I am basically a full time mum to this kid, simply because he is part of the 'package deal' with DP. Of course I care for the child and want him to do well in school and in life and certainly don't want any harm to come to him- which it absolutely would have done had he been allowed to stay with his bio parents- he would have been another abused child case for sure  . But alot of days I do resent a bit that he is here as it has landed in my inexperienced lap to do the lions share of caring for him and 'fixing' his problems. I am more resentful since I became pg, so that's possibly hormones talking lol. But none of these children I 'love'. This makes me feel very guilty at times but they're not mine and it's very hard taking on another womans' child/ren. As for why I got pg, well there were a myriad of reasons.
Part of it was a logical choice we had to make- I was 33/34 and DP 35. We knew I had had problems m/c in a previous r'ship, and both wanted to try earlier rather than later in case that happened again. In hindsight we were relatively 'luck'y that we 'only' had 1 m/c and approx 11 months of TTC before falling pg with this baby.
Another part was that we wanted our foster son and his other children to have at least one other sibling, for our foster son so he would feel part of a family (which he is still a bit clueless about, poor kid), and for the other 2, so they could see this union between us was stable and solid and they were part of it.
Also, both DP and I were 'mildly' clucky.....he more than I. I am getting cluckier the more pg I get, thank god! But I still don't have an overwhelming desire to be near babies or othe kids. I am hoping I will fall in love with our dughter when she is born as I too have found pg hard.
Starting a family is SUCH a hard choice. I was the altogether, independant, career focused 30 year old before I met DP.... and yet no matter how annoyed and tired and resentful I sometimes get in my 'new' life, I can stop and look back at my old one and realise how quiet and quite frankly, how EMPTY my days often were. My new life is far more challenging than anythng I have ever done- and I've done alot lol- but it's also more meaningful. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a little lack of meaning, no responsibility and sitting in a cafe drinking coffee would be bloody great lol but for the most part, I think I just realised that my time had come to do the family thing and for the most part, I am content to do so.
The End of My Novel.
Edited by Emmecat
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Why do you want a baby?
