im with Fattartsrock.............i couldnt have said it better.........

i didnt want kids-i wanted career and money and to just be "selfish". But DH wanted them, i would watch him playing with other kids and would break my heart knowing how much kids would make him happy and i would not give it to him. so i got pregnant-hated pregnancy and she was the hardest little baby to care for.....but then she grew older and just watching her....i knew i wanted another one. number2 was an oopsie but and oopsie that i secretly was happy for.....pregnancy wasnt so bad this time and shes the most easiest baby.....im not a "natural" mother as Fattartsrock puts it....but i know im doing a great job!....its Fricken hard and if it wasnt for this forum for me to moan and complain i would go nuts....when days are good i want another one-but when days are bad i swear kids off for good.....thats life...but i know at the end of the day and in years to come having children will be the most rewarding and successful thing ive accomplished in my life!

For me its taken a long time to get to the point of wanting and now trying for children, I'm 35 years old, and have travelled, bought the house and have been working for now 18 years, meeting DH was probably what changed my mind about children.

If I wasn't married and in a stable relationship with him, I would be doing this. I can now say I am actually ready, I have no romatic illusions of how tough it can be going through pregnancy, child birth and raising a baby/child.

I did consider not having children, and came to the conclusion that a life without them isn't for me. I am the last of my family and my peers to have children and consider myself mature and responsible enough to cope with the consequences.

Also to be honest from what I've seen and heard from other mothers, the early stages are the hardest, a number of my friends now have kids at school and find it much easier than when they were babies.

This is such a hard question and it's been awesome to see the ladies on the boards answer it so honestly!  I shall endevour to do so too:

I also am not (I suspect) a 'natural' mother...we shall find that out in 12 weeks or so though lol. I say that I suspect as much simply because my DP has a couple of kids from his 1st marriage, who are quite nice and we all get on well, but whom I could honestly take or leave. I certainly don't love them and don't miss them if we don't see them for a bit (like if they go away with their mum for a holiday).

We also have  foster son living with us permanently, full time, who we shall also most likely adopt. DP's reasons for doing this are more altruistic than mine on this matter.....he is related by blood to the little chap and there literally is noone else to care for him except CYFS and there's no way DP would let that happen. I am basically a full time mum to this kid, simply because he is part of the 'package deal' with DP. Of course I care for the child and want him to do well in school and in life and certainly don't want any harm to come to him- which it absolutely would have done had he been allowed to stay with his bio parents- he would have been another abused child case for sure . But alot of days I do resent a bit that he is here as it has landed in my inexperienced lap to do the lions share of caring for him and 'fixing' his problems. I am more resentful since I became pg, so that's possibly hormones talking lol. But none of these children I 'love'. This makes me feel very guilty at times but they're not mine and it's very hard taking on another womans' child/ren.  As for why I got pg, well there were a myriad of reasons.

Part of it was a logical choice we had to make- I was 33/34 and DP 35. We knew I had had problems m/c in a previous r'ship, and both wanted to try earlier rather than later in case that happened again. In hindsight we were relatively 'luck'y that we 'only' had 1 m/c and approx 11 months of TTC before falling pg with this baby.

Another part was that we wanted our foster son and his other children to have  at least one other sibling, for our foster son so he would feel part of a family (which he is still a bit clueless about, poor kid), and for the other 2, so they could see this union between us was stable and solid and they were part of it.

Also, both DP and I were 'mildly' clucky.....he more than I. I am getting cluckier the more pg I get, thank god!  But I still don't have an overwhelming desire to be near babies or othe kids. I am hoping I will fall in love with our dughter when she is born as I too have found pg hard.

Starting a family is SUCH a hard choice. I was the altogether, independant, career focused 30 year old before I met DP.... and yet no matter how annoyed and tired and resentful I sometimes get in my 'new' life, I can stop and look back at my old one and realise how quiet and quite frankly, how EMPTY my days often were. My new life is far more challenging than anythng I have ever done- and I've done alot lol- but it's also more meaningful. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a little lack of meaning, no responsibility and sitting in a cafe drinking coffee would be bloody great lol but for the most part, I think I just realised that my time had come to do the family thing and  for the most part, I am content to do so.

The End of My Novel.

Emmecat, you may be surprised at the amount of love you experience with the arrival of your daughter. For me, this happened when DS gave me that first real smile. My heart melted, love blossomed and spilt over and my world changed. I had never taken that much interest in wee babies - thought toddlers were quite cool, but now I get so excited every time I find out a friend is pregnant, has given birth, bubs has reached a new milestone, learnt a new word, learnt to walk ...the list is endless. I can no longer watch a documentary about a sick child or Mum etc without becoming a blubbering mess. When pregnant, I was so worried that I wouldn't have enough love for DS .... now I'm longing for number two. So perhaps you will find that loving your step kids and foster son just comes naturally within the next year or so?

Personally, I was dead set against the idea of ever having kids ... from the time I was 15 (when my parents divorced) until I was 28. Kept telling myself it was due to my belief there are already too many people in the world ... the human race is doing such a great job of destroying the environment, causing species extinctions etc etc ...so why should I contribute to this by adding to the population? But deep down I had unresolved issues about the relationship with my mother - she left my father for another man and hadn't been part of my life since. I remember crying myself to sleep on my 10th birthday because I realised my mother didn't love me (this was five years before her affair), and I guess deep down I was terrified of being responsible for a child that I may be incapable of loving and therefore causing them to suffer the experiences I've endured IYGWIM? But a few years ago I finally realised how stupid it was to let such a fear prevent me from starting a family. Despite the fact that I knew very little about being a parent, at least I knew a whole lot of things I DIDN'T want to do as a parent .

DH had always wanted kids, so once I finally worked through the issues from my past it was a fantastic feeling to know that together we could make this dream come true.  Had to wait a whole year before the dream became a reality and DS was conceived though - don't think I've ever felt so much impatience in my life lol! Being a Mum isn't easy and there definitely are times when it all seems overwhelming. But the good outweighs the bad almost infinitely in my experience so far.

Wow! What support you ladies give me, I just feel so lucky that I have such good shoulders to 'cry' on!

Choco- thanks for your advice, I think that everyone parents in their own way...my mum was not overly 'huggy' and I'm not at all either...but she was and still is a terrific mother and I've never felt like I missed out by not being overly cuddled etc. I felt very nurtured by her in other ways. So I guess that may well be my parenting style too?

Jazzy- I try to talk to DP about how I feel and I think he's more understanding than many men might be...plus he realises a lot of women would've run a mile faced with the situation I have been faced with lol.  It still hurts him a little that I haven't been able to bond as much as he'd like with our foster son but it's unrealistic to expect me to feel motherly love for a child I didn't really want (that sounds awful ). I DO care for this kid, and give him good nourishing food and help grow his mind etc etc ...which is already 1 million times more than his bio parents could've or would've done. The 'love' and cuddles are harder for me but I try. I have a large extended stepfamily myself who have all taken him on as part of the family so he's certainly not lacking in love...it's just unfortunate the mother figure he needs is not a 'cuddly' type but I figure we're both still learning about each other (it's only been a year or so!), and he knows I'm his Mum now and refers to me in that role...although he doesn't call me Mum (yet). I think that may change when the baby is born.

Kakapo- it's so hard when our parents didn't parent us in the way we needed isn't it? My dad is exactly like that but I won't bore you all with the details lol. Needless to say  though he has taught me a lot about how I DON'T want to parent our kids.

I *am* looking forward to having our 'own' baby so much, I think I will have a lot of love for her, sometimes I think half the battle is going from being independant to being vulnerable to others...well that's my owngoing battle anyway. I think things DO happen for a reason and I have no doubt our foster son is here to teach me a few lessons about life and how to let myself soften a bit and let others care for me. It's hard but all long journeys are!

jazzy wrote: Emmecat, when you have given birth to your baby daughter & held her in your arms, it will all change, & for the better. Don't bet yourself up & I was never a cuddly person till I had my own kids, lol.

I'm thinking (hoping) this too!......  

I always knew that I'd have children, being part of a huuge family and always having little ones running around I guess I was destined to have children in my life. I'm definitely a natural mother, or if I'm not I make a damn good go of it! lol.

I love my son more than life itself and would do anything for him. Since the day he was born I've marvelled at this little human being I helped to create and thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful little boy. I was 21 when I fell pregnant and though it wasn't planned, it is the most significant and magical occurence that has ever happened in my life. I had already done the Uni thing, done a some travelling around NZ and over to Oz before he was born, and though I haven't been able to do an OE I relish in the thought that when I do travel abroad I'll be able to share the experience with him....something that I never had when I was a child.

I love being pregnant, it is an amazing experience that I can not wait to go through again!!...and again...and again...... But for now I'm back studying, in three years we'll be building our first home, getting married (I hope) and TTC #2.

Lil Sal if you are your partner aren't ready to begin a family, don't feel pressured by friends or family to do so.  At age 32 you do still have plenty of time ahead of you.

I know of a number of women having their 1st baby at 37/38 without any trouble.

 awww! some of your comments made me a bit teary! so sweet and lovely  and for those of you who "arent maternal" im sure when your babies arrive it will be a totally different story.

for me, i have always worked with kids- im a preschool teacher and work in the 0-2 year old room adn i LOVE it. the only thing thats missing is the fact that the children im caring for arent mine, and to me that leaves a kind of hole in my life- not that i do my job to make up for the fact i dont have children or anything lol, but im so lucky to get to be a part of these childrens lives at times when their parents cant be there- and i get to experience all those tiny moments which really are so big for the child.. like hearing the child has woken up and you go into the sleep room to be greeted by this magnificent huge smile like they are SO happy to see you. then you pick them up and sit on the couch whie they snuggle into you and wake up properly. its the loveliest feeling- but somethings missing- the maternal connection only a mother can have with their child. thats something ill never have with the children i care for obviously but i do love them to bits- just in a different way a parent would.

i cant wait to finish work and be at home experiencing all those little moments with MY own child, and be able to know that "maternal love" for my own child. i dont really know why, but i think being a SAHM will fulfill me. (does that sound corny?lol)

also because DH have been through a lot to be where we are now, hes my best friend, and i couldnt imagine anything better than creating a family with your best friend and sharing that together

all that, and in tha past 2 months or so my body is starting to scream I WANT A BABY!through all my work with kids, and how much i love it, ive never been truly clucky. until now. i just have this crazy urge to have a baby! its so weird....lol

so thats me

Hannahbil

Your story caught my interest coz we are thinking of trying in dec 09 for #1

I have endo so in that retrospect my clock ticks a little faster

Im clucky as hell as I have many friends with little ones and quite a few preggo

Me and my Dh are both 21 and a half and been married for a year and a half but we have been together since we were 17. We both always wanted kids and my DH will be a wonderful father.

The only thing im worried about is that we will be relying on my DH fulltime job only as I plan to stay home at least for the first year and then maybe return to part time work, though DH (like yours) would love me to stay home until they go to school.

It also feels like the next logical step for us too and I really want to be a mum as Im sort of at thestage where I feel that is my next job. I have done lots of study but still havnt really started a career so I figure; why start one when ill just have to leave it (very soon) to have bubs, id rather start from scratch later...

Im just wondering (if you dont mind me asking) how you are coping with being a younger mum and how your family responded etc

P.S we rent a two bedroom cottage on a 5 acre property that the inlaws own, so we have close by help and TECHNICALLY our own place, but it allows us to save for our own house by #2 :)

Whats everyone elses opinion??

Interesting as we've been TTC for a year now, and there have been times where I've thought about having a life without children and it breaks my heart the thought of never being a mother.