not trying anymore...

well ladies this is me signing off, we are not trying anymore.

most of you will know, but it certainly has been a rollercoaster for us in the last we while, in no uncertain terms...

Since March there has been so so much:

I fell pregnant unexpectedly, had to deal with knowing he was really against having a 3rd and felt terrible the whole time, worried about what it would turn our family into (I had PND bad after having Paris, took until she was around 7 mths to start coming out of the cloud, was great after ihad ayja but he became depressed after i had Ayja as he hadn't wanted a 2nd.. he's great with her now but it was hard times as i was studying and being a mum to 2 young kids and he was working full time.. too much stress!),

I graduated finally from nursing the week i found out i was preg (YAY!), had a scan a week and a bit later to find no heartbeat but perfect baby, a week after that, no heartbeat, not-so-good looking baby by then either, had to take time off work (as i work in a neonatal unit with babies all day, hardly the place you feel like being when you've just found that out) had to wait 2 weeks for D&C because of blood service strikes, in that time still had nausea and preg symptoms, sucked, had D&C, same day hot water cylinder broke.. took a week for landlord to arrange to fix it.. while i was recovering from D&C and had to traipse kids across town to my mums each day for baths etc,

a week later, cylinder finally fixed, landlord rings to say he's selling the house, so straight into looking fro a new house, dealing with open homes through our old one at the same time as still dealing with ongoing issues from D&C (they didn't get everything out), going back to work to find myself in higher roles, co-ordinating shifts, working with mega sick babies.. all new stuff that i would have thought great about if ihadn't had everything else going on.

We finally moved, i decided i wanted to start trying again for another and here we are, tomorrow my nursing portfolio for the end of my 1st year is due, its pretty much done, but on tuesday i came down with some bug, have cramps, strained my neck badly from sitting at computer for 6 hrs on end each night to get portfolio stuff done, then to have AF turn up yesterday, and him tell me he didn't actually think it was a good idea to try anymore. that was it.

Everything from the last 3 months just fell down around my ears and i broke down.

I haven't dealt with the greif of loosing baby, i had too much to do, too much to keep going with, couldn't stop, just kept going. Now the end is in sight, as of next week the money we borrowed to get into this house is paid back, the portfolio is finished, and i'm back to not having anything to keep my mind off it.

I think i know deep down in my heart that two is my limit, two means i can still be a great mum while working full time and give all i have to my kids without over-stretching myself.

It just took him to say no, to help me realise that having another wouldn't fill the emptyness.

Am a bit of a mess today, know that everything has gotten on top of me but feel ok with it,

thanks for listening ladies you have been great support

take care and good luck TTC

Janine, you are so brave, and to write everything down like that shows that you are dealing with things. You have been through so much in the last few monthsTake care of yourself and know we are all here to listen.

((((hugs))) Janine, you have had a rough time, thankyou for sharing with us, and we are all sending our love to you.

I would also like to say that i am in awe of how you have coped over the past few months, i am sure i wouldnt have coped as well or for as long...you have amazing strenght my dear friend.

Awww Janine I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough ride.
Did Mike ever find out his fertility chances after your angel baby?

he he, am sending him friday with his little jar.. he he.

bethca they've turned miraculously clear.. and really that would be great cos then that would be the end of it.

Janine, you are so brave to come on here and write it all out and share it all with us. You have been through so much, but then have so much to show for it - your beautiful family and a very successful career by the sounds.

I hope things ease up for you soon, you deserve it

You are one amazing chickee Janine, I have always admired your strength! Wishing you every happiness with your decision. Your family is beautiful.

xoxoxox Janine! You are stronger than you know. All our love!

Big hugs Janine.

i've always admired you janine and after reading what you've been through these past few months...i admire you more!
you are such a strong woman and an amazing mum!