Legal crapola - Help?

Jelly, do you have shared custody now & I take it he is paying child support?

What is your reason for wanting to move to CHCH & does he have any concern over his child living there with the earthquake situation?

You can definitely see if he is paying child support.   Register with IRD online and you will be able to see exactly what if he is or not.   If you and he have filled out all the paperwork regarding child support it will all be on your file. This is how I check to see if my ex is paying. I am not on the DPB anymore but I could still see it all when I was.

As for moving to Christchurch, is it a necessity? Do you have to go?   Having been through a similar situation it seems to me that (and please don't take this the wrong way) that you are still at the point of believing everything he says, letting him control your life and being scared of what he will do should you start not putting up with it.

You can absolutely have full custody and because you're on the DPB you are entitled to legal aid. My ex and I didn't go through the court system. He wrote a parenting agreement and we signed it in front of witnesses.   It states that I have day-to-day care of our child which pretty much means full custody. He lives in OZ and comes back every four weeks for about a week. We alternate Christmas and birthdays and part of school holidays. And we stick to it. My life is my life and his life is his life.   There comes a point where you need to pretty much wipe him from your life except for things regarding your child.

You don't have to listen to threats, demands, ultimatums or anything like that but I would say that moving a long way away from your ex isn't going to help the situation at all.   And you don't have to be forced into anything that you don't want to do or fork out money for him to maintain his relationship with his child. That is his responsibility but it has to be a two way street.   As much as it pained me at first to have to compromise with my ex, we had to just get on and do exactly that because at the end of the day it's not about you or him, it really only comes down to what is best for your son and the courts will see it exactly the same way. I wouldn't worry at all about your ex getting custody, you are his mother and I'm assuming you're not a P addict or a raging alcoholic?

I promise you, in a few years this will all be so much easier! Especially if you're able to let go a little bit and your son is able to foster a great relationship with his dad and extended family.

You said you dont want to stop him seeing his son, yet you said that you are "willing to fight dirty for full custody" and that "you dont see why he should have any say in Calebs life"

To me that is saying you want him to stop seeing his son.

As a girl who grew up with split up parents let me tell you one thing, fighting dirty and saying a father should have no say in their sons life is only going to hurt your child.

I also dont think you are "maintaing their relationship" by sending your child up to see his father.

Dont go broke, but try see if he will consider going halves in airfares?

My dad messed my mum around heaps, but I love him to bits and I cannot imagine what on earth I would of done without having my dad, what he has done to you should not affect his relationship with his son.

Also my mother decided to move to wellington when I was 3 to be with her partner, my dad lived in CHCH the condition was that if she wanted to move she had to find a way to pay for me to travel to see my dad. They ended up splitting the bill. I think that is very fair, if your ex was the one to move away (as he did for a month) then he should pay to send caleb to see him.

Also, you complain that your ex did not see your son for a month, yet you are asking to keep him away from his dad for more than 8 weeks?

I also dont see how your ex behaves with his new partner is an issue in this case.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I spent my whole life dealing with parents who constantly fought "dirty".It now only pisses me off to hear parents are willing to fight for full custody when children who have had a father pass away would do ANYTHING to have a father in their life.

Obviously if your sons life/safety is in danger due to heavy drug or physical abuse then full custody should be the case, otherwise you are taking your issues and grievances out on a relationship that is not your own.

p.s. none of what I said changes the fact that your ex sounds like a jerk, but my mum would of called my dad a jerk I call him the best dad in the world.

Edited by Gen2011

Gen2011 wrote: *the relationship that is not your own is the father-son relationship.

Totally agree with this. And he has every right to maintain this relationship even if it feels inconvenient for you.   You don't have to give up your whole life to ensure this but it certainly pays off if you're willing to be on the same page and compromise for the best interest of your child.

I think what I'm saying is being taken the wrong way.

Ideally I want full custody so that I no longer have to answer to someone who enjoys messing with me and having control over my life.

I would still be taking Caleb to see his father as often as I can afford it, for a week or more each time. Luckily I can stay with Mum, accomodation for me isn't an issue.

I HATE having to ask his permission to go visit my partner, I hate leaving Caleb behind (which is why I've only gone down twice, while Tyler has been up to see us... 7 times? I'm losing count.) and I hate that when I asked if I could take Caleb with me (for 7 nights, not permanently!) he keept me waiting for an answer until a few days out when it' was too late to take C as I'd already told the people I was renting from that I wouldn't have a child with me, then I had to PAY HIM $100 to look after his own child for that time, meanwhile I stayed in a lovely child friendly home opposite a giant park and near the beach, wishing C was with me the whole time... I certainly shouldn't have to pay him $100 when his child support for the same amount of time is not quite $20.

I don't want to end their relationship, I want control over my life.

What makes me sure I'll have that dream in Christchurch? The low cost of living down there and the wonderful man who loves me and Caleb who is waiting for me. He has two years left on his criminal psychology degree, 2 part time jobs, 2 casual jobs and does competitive ballroom dancing, so he can't really leave Chch. Whereas all I have holding me back from moving is Sean.
All those jobs, by the way? He's putting money away for when we move in together. Or my legal fees, either way. He is more than willing to support me and Caleb, and as for commitment, he'll put a ring on it if I tell him I'm ready. I just don't think now is exactly the best time to add a wedding to the mix :P

We will live together as a family, I just can't get my head around moving between cities, sorting out custody AND trying to work out going into family finances mode (which I've never been in before, Sean wouldn't let me anywhere near his money or tell me what we had, being convinced he was better at math and budgeting. Even after the bank froze his accounts because he was so far behind on paying back his $2k personal loan...), as I'll lose the DPB the second we move in together. One thing at a time, please! Moving in together will happen ASAP after I move, just not at the same time as everything else.

@Gen2011 - I am also a girl who grew up with split up parents, the difference being that I have never met my father as he left while my mother was pregnant. He has never made any attempt to contact me and denied paternity, and that sucks big time.

Moving on. By heavy drug use do you mean frequent use of P, speed, ecstasy, acid... Uh... Yeah, I don't know drug names. I think a couple of those might even be the same thing. Anyway. While I doubt he uses any of those, he is a member of the ALCP (Auckland Legalise Cannabis Party) and a regular at something called "The Daktory" which is essentially a pot smoking club where you can either BYO drugs or buy from them, so I think some drug use is pretty much a given, which I hate. I don't know what he does when I'm not around, but he tells me he doesn't 'smoke' when he has Caleb and I'd like to believe that. He also lives with his mother, so I know she does a lot to help look after C.

Sorry if this is coming across as a bit defensive, I'm just feeling a bit cornered lately

I would ring up your local citizens advice bereau and have a chat to them. They will be able to point you in the direction of lawyers that take legal aid cases locally. I think the best bet would be to have a chat with a lawyer and see what your ex could do to stop you from moving etc... so that you have a heads up when you talk to him. Good luck

One thing that I have come to realise, is that we chose to have children to these men, and that gives them some say in our lives, regardless if how we feel about it, until the kids are able to make their own decisions of course. I can never leave this area - I can choose to move away if I wish, but I would have to leave the girls. So I choose to stay here and make the most of what I have. Something that mothers need to remember, unless there are special circumstances of course, is that our children aren't JUST ours - they are their dads too, even if we don't particularly like them anymore. I know that I sometimes forget that because it seems like I have all the responsibility, what with having day to day care.

I don't think he should just suck it up - it's his relationship with his son, and 8 or more weeks break at a time, especially at such a young age, is HUGE.

Edited by minik8e

It is very hard, Hopes. But it's one of those things that happens when a relationship breaks up, and children are involved. Unfortunately, it can also feel like there are 3 people involved in any new relationship also - because the father does have some say in his child's life, which means they are forever involved in your own life to an extent, especially if you have day to day care of the child/ren.

You will qualify for Legal Aid because you're on the DPB - I would suggest making an appointment to see a lawyer, and get something firm set up relating to care and access. Personally, I have found that the relationship between myself and my ex-husband has got a lot better once this was done, because we BOTH knew exactly where we stood, and we both have things that we are obligated to do that we don't particularly like doing.

I think, you, as a mum, are just as important. And you need to be happy too. As to be the best parent you can be, you need to be happy as well.

Your ex is causing you a lot of stress and I suspect he enjoys this. It seems like he likes still having some control over you and he's using the fact that you have a child together to his advantage. It does sound like he is at times making things intentionally as difficult as possible. Especially referring to your holiday to CHCH and him leaving, giving you his decision, up to the last minute. And really, that he would ask you to pay him to look after his son, that's just disgusting!!!

He doesn't legally have that many rights, because there is no custody arrangement. But yeah, maybe talk to legal aid or citizens advice bureau.

I have a child to my ex and if he see's her, he see's her, if he doesn't, that's his loss. I've never let the fact that I have his child get in the way of me and my daughter's happiness. And there's nothing wrong with her as a result. She's a perfectly happy, secure girl and she's loves it when she see's her Daddy, but she also knows he's unreliable.

I say, ask him to pay half of the airfare. But don't let him force you to stay in Auckland? He sounds like he wants you to make all the sacrifice's while he makes none and that's just not fair.

Being in a better living situation financially, which would happen if you moved to CHCH, means less stress and a happier mummy for Caleb and Caleb loves having a happy mummy. And it means you can do more for him and give him more. Why struggle if you don't have to.

You're not being unreasonable, you are being very reasonable. You are trying to find a way to keep everyone happy. But you can't make everyone happy 100% of the time. Your ex needs to do some compromising, instead of making you do all the compromising.

Edited by escadachic

minik8e wrote: I don't know escadachick, I think his compromise is fairly hefty to be honest. Dropping from seeing his son from 2 days a week to once every 8 weeks is pretty major. How would you feel if you were in his position and you had been told that your child was going to be taken away so instead of seeing them every week, you could see them once every couple of months instead, and you're supposed to be happy with that?

Well remember, her ex is willing to compromise to some extent, but he expects her to pay the whole airfare. So I don't think there's anything wrong with him paying half of the airfare. By the sounds of it, he's paying minimum child support, so he should have more funds therefore for half the airfare. He's just sounds like he's trying to make her decision to move as difficult as possible, by making her have all the expenses. I still feel, Caleb would have a better life in CHCH. And he can still see his Dad, if his Dad helps out at least a little bit.