Legal crapola - Help?
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Topic: Legal crapola - Help?
Posted By: Jelly
Subject: Legal crapola - Help?
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 1:55pm
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I told C's dad months ago that I wanted to move to Christchurch. After a LONG time thinking about it, he told me I could go. IF.
I have to fly C back to see him every 8 weeks to see him, and I have to move back to Auckland permanently in 2 years. The first part seems reasonable, right? Not when you consider that it will cost AT LEAST $300 each trip. And that's just flights. I can't scrape $300 together every 8 weeks until Caleb is legally an adult! So I've asked for a few extra weeks between trips, because, well, 8 weeks just is not long enough to find $300. He first flat out said no, then 3 minutes later said he wanted me to write out a weekly budget for him to look at showing exactly what I CAN afford. Then there's the second part. Surely there is no way in hell he can legally tell me where to live in two years?! I would LOVE to go for full custody. I'm more than willing to fight dirty. But I don't want to end up in debt up to my eyeballs, and I certainly don't want a moronic family court judge awarding Sean full custody just because I had the audacity to attempt to improve my life, and by extension, Caleb's. I really have no idea what I'm asking here. I'm just sick of feeling trapped, like I'm walking on eggshells and the slightest miss step will ruin any chance I have of moving to a city where I can actually afford to live. I've been sleeping in the room I have had since I was 8 since Sean and I broke up in February, the only difference is there is now a cot squeezed in next to my single bed in a room barely big enough to be an office. I want better for us. It's not fair that my ex, who felt perfectly comfortable leaving Auckland himself for a month, not seeing Caleb the whole time, to be with a girl he had been dating for 2 days (and knocked up the first time he slept with her, she's due to have a little boy Dec 23rd), should have ANY say in Caleb's OR my life. I don't want to stop Caleb from seeing his dad. I just don't want to be forced into near bankrupty to maintain their relationship and I certainly don't want to answer to him anymore. I very much doubt this makes much sense, but I've been crying for... Oh look, an hour now, and I needed to get that out. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Replies:
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 2:36pm
 Jelly, do you have shared custody now & I take it he is paying child support?
What is your reason for wanting to move to CHCH & does he have any concern over his child living there with the earthquake situation? |
Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 3:22pm
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He is paying child support as far as I know, he says he is but as I'm on the DPB I don't see it. I'll believe him, because he said he hadn't been paying it and now they're taking it out of his benefit before he sees it.
He seems to be ok with the quakes, and having been down there for a decidedly unimpressive 10 second long 5.5 (I live across the road from train tracks, I'm well used to my house shaking!) I'm comfortable with it myself as long as we live well away from the hard hit areas. Most of Christchurch actually seems fine, although the bus ride out East was interesting to say the least. We have no legal custody arrangement, nothing written down at all, the closest is that when applying for the DPB they asked me how much time C spends with his dad a week. Apparently as far as they're concerned, 2 nights a week with his dad doesn't count as shared custody. My reasons for moving started with my boyfriend, who has two years left on his degree and can't move away from that. We wouldn't move in together straight away, just because I'm jumping through enough hoops as it is without adding telling WINZ I'm now living with a partner to the mix. It's just a bit much to deal with at once, so that step will have to wait until I have the energy to flip my life upside down again. And then once I actually looked into moving I realised that I should be able to live there in my own little house without struggling too much financially, so C would have his own room, a yard to play in, a nice park down the road, maybe even go to kindy and make some friends... Or at least that was the hope, before I found out that once C turns two he'll be charged the same as an adult to fly. :/ The dream is that we move somewhere nice if not luxurious, I get to marry the man of my dreams, (it has been discussed repeatedly and at length, but we've agreed that there's too much to sort out first) and everyone is happy while still making sure C sees his dad several times a year. Apparently it's not that simple. :/ ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 3:48pm
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You can definitely see if he is paying child support. Register with IRD online and you will be able to see exactly what if he is or not. If you and he have filled out all the paperwork regarding child support it will all be on your file. This is how I check to see if my ex is paying. I am not on the DPB anymore but I could still see it all when I was.
As for moving to Christchurch, is it a necessity? Do you have to go? Having been through a similar situation it seems to me that (and please don't take this the wrong way) that you are still at the point of believing everything he says, letting him control your life and being scared of what he will do should you start not putting up with it. You can absolutely have full custody and because you're on the DPB you are entitled to legal aid. My ex and I didn't go through the court system. He wrote a parenting agreement and we signed it in front of witnesses. It states that I have day-to-day care of our child which pretty much means full custody. He lives in OZ and comes back every four weeks for about a week. We alternate Christmas and birthdays and part of school holidays. And we stick to it. My life is my life and his life is his life. There comes a point where you need to pretty much wipe him from your life except for things regarding your child. You don't have to listen to threats, demands, ultimatums or anything like that but I would say that moving a long way away from your ex isn't going to help the situation at all. And you don't have to be forced into anything that you don't want to do or fork out money for him to maintain his relationship with his child. That is his responsibility but it has to be a two way street. As much as it pained me at first to have to compromise with my ex, we had to just get on and do exactly that because at the end of the day it's not about you or him, it really only comes down to what is best for your son and the courts will see it exactly the same way. I wouldn't worry at all about your ex getting custody, you are his mother and I'm assuming you're not a P addict or a raging alcoholic? I promise you, in a few years this will all be so much easier! Especially if you're able to let go a little bit and your son is able to foster a great relationship with his dad and extended family. |
Posted By: fairy1
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 3:54pm
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, it sounds like a stressful situation. I don't really know about anything bout legal stuff and someone here will know more than me but to me it sounds like you should get a formal custody agreement, that way you can hopefully move on with your life and be happy. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Gen2011
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 4:22pm
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You said you dont want to stop him seeing his son, yet you said that you are "willing to fight dirty for full custody" and that "you dont see why he should have any say in Calebs life"
To me that is saying you want him to stop seeing his son. As a girl who grew up with split up parents let me tell you one thing, fighting dirty and saying a father should have no say in their sons life is only going to hurt your child. I also dont think you are "maintaing their relationship" by sending your child up to see his father. Dont go broke, but try see if he will consider going halves in airfares? My dad messed my mum around heaps, but I love him to bits and I cannot imagine what on earth I would of done without having my dad, what he has done to you should not affect his relationship with his son. Also my mother decided to move to wellington when I was 3 to be with her partner, my dad lived in CHCH the condition was that if she wanted to move she had to find a way to pay for me to travel to see my dad. They ended up splitting the bill. I think that is very fair, if your ex was the one to move away (as he did for a month) then he should pay to send caleb to see him. Also, you complain that your ex did not see your son for a month, yet you are asking to keep him away from his dad for more than 8 weeks? I also dont see how your ex behaves with his new partner is an issue in this case. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I spent my whole life dealing with parents who constantly fought "dirty".It now only pisses me off to hear parents are willing to fight for full custody when children who have had a father pass away would do ANYTHING to have a father in their life. Obviously if your sons life/safety is in danger due to heavy drug or physical abuse then full custody should be the case, otherwise you are taking your issues and grievances out on a relationship that is not your own. p.s. none of what I said changes the fact that your ex sounds like a jerk, but my mum would of called my dad a jerk I call him the best dad in the world. |
Posted By: Gen2011
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 4:24pm
| *the relationship that is not your own is the father-son relationship. |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 4:38pm
Totally agree with this. And he has every right to maintain this relationship even if it feels inconvenient for you. You don't have to give up your whole life to ensure this but it certainly pays off if you're willing to be on the same page and compromise for the best interest of your child. |
Gen2011 wrote:Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 4:53pm
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I think you need to ask yourself what you are really looking for. We all want that dream, but if you can not have it here then what makes you sure you will have it in CHCH?
Obversely a long distance relationship works for you now so why change that if you are not going to live together as a family & get off the DPB...I just don't see the point in moving to another part of the country to be with a man who won't commit or support you both & what if it doesn't work out? Your ex sounds like he has a big role in his sons life if he has him for 2 nights a week & he pays CS, you will probably get custody if you go for it but he has rights & if you make it difficult for him will he do the same for you? |
Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 6:14pm
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I think what I'm saying is being taken the wrong way.
Ideally I want full custody so that I no longer have to answer to someone who enjoys messing with me and having control over my life. I would still be taking Caleb to see his father as often as I can afford it, for a week or more each time. Luckily I can stay with Mum, accomodation for me isn't an issue. I HATE having to ask his permission to go visit my partner, I hate leaving Caleb behind (which is why I've only gone down twice, while Tyler has been up to see us... 7 times? I'm losing count.) and I hate that when I asked if I could take Caleb with me (for 7 nights, not permanently!) he keept me waiting for an answer until a few days out when it' was too late to take C as I'd already told the people I was renting from that I wouldn't have a child with me, then I had to PAY HIM $100 to look after his own child for that time, meanwhile I stayed in a lovely child friendly home opposite a giant park and near the beach, wishing C was with me the whole time... I certainly shouldn't have to pay him $100 when his child support for the same amount of time is not quite $20. I don't want to end their relationship, I want control over my life. What makes me sure I'll have that dream in Christchurch? The low cost of living down there and the wonderful man who loves me and Caleb who is waiting for me. He has two years left on his criminal psychology degree, 2 part time jobs, 2 casual jobs and does competitive ballroom dancing, so he can't really leave Chch. Whereas all I have holding me back from moving is Sean. All those jobs, by the way? He's putting money away for when we move in together. Or my legal fees, either way. He is more than willing to support me and Caleb, and as for commitment, he'll put a ring on it if I tell him I'm ready. I just don't think now is exactly the best time to add a wedding to the mix :P We will live together as a family, I just can't get my head around moving between cities, sorting out custody AND trying to work out going into family finances mode (which I've never been in before, Sean wouldn't let me anywhere near his money or tell me what we had, being convinced he was better at math and budgeting. Even after the bank froze his accounts because he was so far behind on paying back his $2k personal loan...), as I'll lose the DPB the second we move in together. One thing at a time, please! Moving in together will happen ASAP after I move, just not at the same time as everything else. @Gen2011 - I am also a girl who grew up with split up parents, the difference being that I have never met my father as he left while my mother was pregnant. He has never made any attempt to contact me and denied paternity, and that sucks big time. Moving on. By heavy drug use do you mean frequent use of P, speed, ecstasy, acid... Uh... Yeah, I don't know drug names. I think a couple of those might even be the same thing. Anyway. While I doubt he uses any of those, he is a member of the ALCP (Auckland Legalise Cannabis Party) and a regular at something called "The Daktory" which is essentially a pot smoking club where you can either BYO drugs or buy from them, so I think some drug use is pretty much a given, which I hate. I don't know what he does when I'm not around, but he tells me he doesn't 'smoke' when he has Caleb and I'd like to believe that. He also lives with his mother, so I know she does a lot to help look after C. Sorry if this is coming across as a bit defensive, I'm just feeling a bit cornered lately  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 6:55pm
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Hugs Jelly! It's a freaken hard balance between doing what is best for your child and looking after yourself... I know everyone says it has be what's best for baby... but surely that means ensuring mum's sanity too !? I don't come from a broken home, so can only speculate...I think I would feel sad when I was older if my mum had had to live unhappily so my dad could have sporadic contact... I definitely think it's important that you maintain frequent contact as you intend to do, and I think he should contribute to the airfares to enable this to happen... it's sounds like financially Chch is a good move for you, and I think your ex needs to understand how difficult things are for you there... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 7:24pm
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I would ring up your local citizens advice bereau and have a chat to them. They will be able to point you in the direction of lawyers that take legal aid cases locally. I think the best bet would be to have a chat with a lawyer and see what your ex could do to stop you from moving etc... so that you have a heads up when you talk to him. Good luck ------------- 
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 8:26pm
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Given that you don't have a formal custody agreement , you have actually asked him about his thoughts about you moving away and you are willing to help your son maintain contact I would think that you should be able to come to some reasonable compromise that won't send you broke. I think you should talk to a lawyer or the citizens advice beauru and see how you go from here. My ex and I did councelling to get a custody agreement sorted (didn't work but thats another story) - I think you can normally get 6 sessions. Maybe you could apply for this and get the two of you together in one room with a neutral person and try to come to some sort of agreement.
ETA to add that I found the neutral councellor very helpful when dealing with my ex. While we didn't come to an agreement till later, we got much closer to something we could both live with. The councellor helped the ex work out what was realistic for an 11 month old (as she was at the time) and gave us both a way to state our viewpoints without it errupting into massive arguments all the time. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 9:34pm
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One thing that I have come to realise, is that we chose to have children to these men, and that gives them some say in our lives, regardless if how we feel about it, until the kids are able to make their own decisions of course. I can never leave this area - I can choose to move away if I wish, but I would have to leave the girls. So I choose to stay here and make the most of what I have. Something that mothers need to remember, unless there are special circumstances of course, is that our children aren't JUST ours - they are their dads too, even if we don't particularly like them anymore. I know that I sometimes forget that because it seems like I have all the responsibility, what with having day to day care.
I don't think he should just suck it up - it's his relationship with his son, and 8 or more weeks break at a time, especially at such a young age, is HUGE. |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 8:00am
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Having never been in your situation I'm not in any position to comment on the moral or legal ins and outs of it all - but did just want to say that I can understand how it would be kind of miserable to have to make life plans round someone you've broken up with. I know the other ladies have made good points about it being fair to him to have a relationship with his son etc etc, and I agree with them, but my heart goes out to you. It would be so hard to lose that freedom to just do what suits you in life. -------------   
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:41am
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It is very hard, Hopes. But it's one of those things that happens when a relationship breaks up, and children are involved. Unfortunately, it can also feel like there are 3 people involved in any new relationship also - because the father does have some say in his child's life, which means they are forever involved in your own life to an extent, especially if you have day to day care of the child/ren.
You will qualify for Legal Aid because you're on the DPB - I would suggest making an appointment to see a lawyer, and get something firm set up relating to care and access. Personally, I have found that the relationship between myself and my ex-husband has got a lot better once this was done, because we BOTH knew exactly where we stood, and we both have things that we are obligated to do that we don't particularly like doing. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 10:11am
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I think the first thing you need to do is sort out the legal stuff & have an agreement in writing. I think it will be very hard for you if you have to travel every few weeks back to Auckland & the cost will be huge...& being on a benefit may make it hard to keep to the travel commitments, all it takes is an unexpected bill & budgets can be blown.
Not trying to be negative but it is a huge thing to move so far to be with a guy you have been with for a few months & in a long distance relationship let alone factoring in a child & an ex. I have not been in your situation but realise how hard it would be. I have been on the flip side as my DH has an older child from a previous relationship, so I have seen the damage to my DH & the child because of no/little contact. I also feel very strongly about the fathers rights as DH had what felt like none even thought we paid CS. I wish for my DH sake that he had a better relationship with him & I know the child missed out a lot because of it...they will never have what DH as with our 3 boys, so rather sad. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 20 October 2011 at 4:29pm
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I think, you, as a mum, are just as important. And you need to be happy too. As to be the best parent you can be, you need to be happy as well.
Your ex is causing you a lot of stress and I suspect he enjoys this. It seems like he likes still having some control over you and he's using the fact that you have a child together to his advantage. It does sound like he is at times making things intentionally as difficult as possible. Especially referring to your holiday to CHCH and him leaving, giving you his decision, up to the last minute. And really, that he would ask you to pay him to look after his son, that's just disgusting!!! He doesn't legally have that many rights, because there is no custody arrangement. But yeah, maybe talk to legal aid or citizens advice bureau. I have a child to my ex and if he see's her, he see's her, if he doesn't, that's his loss. I've never let the fact that I have his child get in the way of me and my daughter's happiness. And there's nothing wrong with her as a result. She's a perfectly happy, secure girl and she's loves it when she see's her Daddy, but she also knows he's unreliable. I say, ask him to pay half of the airfare. But don't let him force you to stay in Auckland? He sounds like he wants you to make all the sacrifice's while he makes none and that's just not fair. Being in a better living situation financially, which would happen if you moved to CHCH, means less stress and a happier mummy for Caleb and Caleb loves having a happy mummy. And it means you can do more for him and give him more. Why struggle if you don't have to. You're not being unreasonable, you are being very reasonable. You are trying to find a way to keep everyone happy. But you can't make everyone happy 100% of the time. Your ex needs to do some compromising, instead of making you do all the compromising. -------------   
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 20 October 2011 at 9:10pm
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I don't know escadachick, I think his compromise is fairly hefty to be honest. Dropping from seeing his son from 2 days a week to once every 8 weeks is pretty major. How would you feel if you were in his position and you had been told that your child was going to be taken away so instead of seeing them every week, you could see them once every couple of months instead, and you're supposed to be happy with that?
I do think it's reasonable that maybe he might be able to pay half of the costs of travel though, or maybe you could each meet halfway and pay your own costs to get halfway (and go halves in the cost for C) - Grabaseat often has CHEAP ChCh to Welly fares, and Akld to Welly fares. Also, once they turn 2, they aren't adult fares, they are on child fares which is between 50-75% of the cost of an adult ticket, except on things like Grabaseat because the fares are already significantly reduced. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 9:59am
Well remember, her ex is willing to compromise to some extent, but he expects her to pay the whole airfare. So I don't think there's anything wrong with him paying half of the airfare. By the sounds of it, he's paying minimum child support, so he should have more funds therefore for half the airfare. He's just sounds like he's trying to make her decision to move as difficult as possible, by making her have all the expenses. I still feel, Caleb would have a better life in CHCH. And he can still see his Dad, if his Dad helps out at least a little bit. -------------
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 10:23am
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I think it is unfair to ask him to pay to have his child brought back to Auckland for visits, after all he is not the one moving...& he is the one that would be giving up his days where he regularly has him.
As for CS he pays what he legally has to & I doubt he has much money also being on a benefit & with a baby on the way. He can so No & that means she can not go so I think if she really wants to go then she should sort out the details & take into account what he is actually giving up here, after all it is the child that is not going to have the contact he gets now with his father. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 10:55am
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Ok, well I don't know his financial situation, so I can't realistically know what he can help out with.
But that's just what I would do in Jelly's situation. -------------
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 11:40am
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Jelly said in one of her post that he is on a benefit so would not get much, or have much left over, don't know what kind of benefit but I bet he would get less than the DPB.
If I was in her position I don't know what I would do...if I followed my heart I would take my child & move somewhere to be with the one I loved...if I followed my head I would wait since the relationship is only a few months old & only had a hand full of visits & not going to be living together as a family. But what ever she does it has to be done right so the child is not caught in a custody battle & so her ex does not make life too difficult for her...things may change when his new baby is born. |
Posted By: blessedmama
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 12:51pm
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Assuming both parents are relatively 'normal' (ie. not serial killers, drug dealers etc etc etc) then both have the right surely to have a decent and healthy relationship with their child? I do get that that makes it really hard when you want to move cities (for whatever reason)but I'm not sure that I think it's right to ask either child or father to give up their two nights a week together. If I was that parent I would be pretty angry. I actually think he is being relatively nice by only asking you to pay for a return flight every 8 weeks. I do understand the desire to move both for financial and relationship reasons. But I'm not sure that I think that they stack up against a parent and child relationship.
From what I understand of the family court I think he would have every right to take you through the court system to get you to stay. In the current system it is unusual for either parent to be awarded full custody - particularly if both parents are already doing their bit. Sorry...I do realise that sounds harsh but I don't think that being the mother gives us the total right to remove our children from their fathers, no matter how we feel about it. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 1:24pm
Since you don't have a legal agreement laying out what you do and don't have to do then you could have taken Caleb down to Chch for a weeks holiday without his 'permission' just for future reference  Just telling him thats what was happening is enough.
I'm in a different boat to some of the other posters but IMO happy mama - happy baby. If you and Caleb are going to be better off financially and socially by moving then IMO you should go for it. All this 'parent child relationship' stuff is good and all but TBH a. it sounds like Tyler would be a better role model than Sean (the whole bio dad relationship is soooo important is a crock of sh!t IMO) and b. this is NZ people travelling from Chch to Aucks isn't that hard, and theres always Skype. Calebs not even 2 so I imagine the situation would adjust as he got older and had more of an opinion. IMO if he's agreed to you moving then I'd go to a lawyer and get an agreement drawn up but I'd make a couple of adjustments and see if he goes for it - He pays half the travel costs every second trip, you commit to Caleb and Sean skyping every week for set amount of time, and rather than you moving back in 2 years you go over the agreement and make any required adjustments in 1 year. If you can make it abit more balanced but set it out like Seans not 'losing' then he may feel like hes got control so agree and once you're down there hes got no case for blocking the move. When we first tried to move away my ex got a court order and it was a PITA but now we're actually gone he wouldn't have a hope in hell of demanding that we move back. All you have to do is stick to your side of the bargain. All that aside I do agree with Jazzy - its very soon to be making such a big decision on the basis of your relationship with Tyler. It could work out brilliantly - did for me  but it could also not so be wise hun xx-------------   
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Posted By: blessedmama
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 3:25pm
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Isn't it about the fact that a biological father who sounds like he has an active role in his kids life that is significant at two days per week having the right to continue with that if that is what he wishes? The mum doesn't get to have total say if there is already a 'verbal' agreement of two nights a week in place does she? It would be different if the guy were not really interested in being a Dad but that doesn't fit with a man who is already doing those things.
I agree with you Babe when you refer to the whole bio father thing - but on the other hand this child already has an established relationship with his father (bio or not). I also agree that a happy mother makes a happy baby but I don't agree with that being at the exclusion (or almost) of a father who doesn't really sound like he has done anything wrong as a parent. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 21 October 2011 at 4:10pm
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Yes thats a point blessedmama. I don't agree with the stance a few other posters have taken which was what I was thinking of but you're right, they have an established relationship and he's making the effort. I don't know that that necessarily means hes a good influence though and TBH just making the effort to see a child isn't good enough IMO - you actually have to make the effort to be a better person for the sake of that child.
Anyway without a written agreement then technically yes she can just take him for a holiday, and in the situation she was in (sorry for talking about you in the third person Jelly  ) she could have just said I've given you the opportunity, I've run out of time, I'm taking him. Also even with a written agreement she can take him away on her days and just let him know.-------------
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 1:08am
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I have no advice to give,just wanted to say what an crappy situation all round and send some hugs your way Jelly...sounds like you could use some.
Hope you come to some sort of arrangement that pleases both parties ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 10:34am
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I think you're mad to be moving to Christchurch at a time like this! Aren't the children all still having mental issues after the earthquakes constantly scaring them?
And taking your son away from his father (Christchurch is almost as far away from Auckland as you can get!) is quite selfish especially since its chasing a boyfriend. I would personally try to stay in Auckland for your sons sake or move to Hamilton which is cheaper but still close to Auckland. Christchurch is a war zone with minimal opportunities so I think you're crazy for even contemplating taking your toddler son into that situation. Good luck with making a decision, but if your boyfriend wasn't in Christchurch I don't think you'd be going there. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 10:47am
That's a bit harsh of a statement!  -------------
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Posted By: Looey85
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 10:57am
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Hi
I live in Chch... and just wanted to let you know that at the moment... it is very hard to find good affordable housing here right now. I actually think it would be a not so smart decision to move down here right now too (just taking the housing issue into consideration). If you were coming down because you had a job to go to, or family to stay with it would be totally different. But things are tough here in terms of housing and job opportunties. We are trying to find a new place to live but rental properties available have become pricey and hard to get (we turned up to one 'open home' and about 20 other people were already outside waiting... many of whom had tragic stories of losing their previous houses etc). The rest of it sounds very complicated, so I won't get into that, as I don't know the full story, but just thought I would give you a Chch renters perspective :) Good luck! |
Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 12:43pm
Yes I know its harsh, but that's just how I feel. The poor kid sounds like he's being taken away from his extended family and his father down to Christchurch which is a city struggling with major damage from constant earthquakes just so the mother can be with her boyfriend. Not really fair to the child or putting the child first in my opinion. That's why Im harsh. |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 2:49pm
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Well, we were considering the option of moving the Chch if DH got a job there once he finishes his study - I don't want to move (and it doesn't look like we have to now), but would have been happy to if need be. So I guess I'd have taken my son there for money, which kind of parent does that make me?!?!
Honestly, Chch has its risks. So does any city. They're worth taking into account, but I wouldn't be judging anyone on the shakeyness front myself. -------------
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 3:13pm
That might be what you think but its unnecessary to word it the way you have. A little bit of kindness goes a long way even when you may not agree with someone elses decision. Its not about you and your feelings its about someone else struggling with something in THEIR lives that is hard for them. Jelly is a great mum and she isn't making such a huge decision lightly so I suggest you think before you post next time. -------------
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Posted By: Kats1
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 4:40pm
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Have to agree with you Babe. I think its pretty clear that by starting this thread Jelly really cares about her Son and is struggling with the decisions she has to make. The fact that se consults Sean on things like holidays shows her maturity.
There are plenty of people out there who act and then think, good on for thinking it all through first. It sounds like whatever you decide to do you've found a good guy now and you'll find a way to be together and make sure your son has the best possible relationship with his bio Dad. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 22 October 2011 at 10:49pm
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I hope Jelly can ignore the little spat in the middle there..
I think Jelly that you should talk to someone in the know - definitely check our local CAB, they have solicitors who give free advice. You may qualify for legal aid too. Also just because he asked for money to look after your son while you were away you didnt have to give it, and if you only have a verbal agreement then i agree with the person who said you dont need his permission to go away either. Just telling him is enough. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Panda289
Date Posted: 23 October 2011 at 10:19am
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Definitely get some legal advice if you can and make sure your on the same page as your ex if/when you do move as a friend of my Mum moved without agreement from her ex and was ordered by the court to move back. (don't know much about the story just that he obviously had the right to do that so your ex might try the same thing if you just leave )
Huge hugs though, it is such a difficult situation to be in  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 23 October 2011 at 5:53pm
| Just my opinion. If people don't want differing & honest opinions then they shouldn't post questions on a public forum. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 7:53am
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I agree with CarrieMum.
If this was IRL & a friend of mine then I would honest & blunt after all it not just a decision effecting her. If it was just her I would say go for it. But to drag a child away from his father to be with a man you have only been in a long distant relationship for a couple of months & had 9 visits with sounds mad to me. Also moving to CHCH of all places, if you are going down there to help out that's different, not to move there, take housing & be on a benefit. I don't see how you are going to pay to fly every 8weeks or so, if you can not make more than 2 trips down there now how are you going to fly back here all the time, the DPB does not pay that much & if it did then there is something very wrong with the system. Giving your ex money to look after his son for a week is acceptable since you get the DPB to look after him & your ex is on a benefit that I would think pays less. Does he get any extra money for having him 2 night a week? I think you need to take a step back & really think about all the pros & cons. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 2:03pm
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Differing and honest opinions are fine, its the lack of tact and kindness that annoys me. Being purposefully blunt doesn't make things more interesting all it does is hurt peoples feelings - ALOT in some cases. Obviously this is a new concept for some of you considering what gets posted on these and other forums, but people don't actually think any better of you because you say what you think without any consideration for someone elses situation, feelings or needs. Theres alot more to the OPs situation than we can understand from one post because real life can't be melted down into 250 odd words so before you decide to be 'blunt' and 'honest' because its your forum-given right, consider the fact that often people are actually getting enough of that from the people in RL and all they're looking for is an ear, a shoulder and the typed equivalent of a hug.
There ya go thats my differing opinion that I get to share because this is an open forum and since this whole thread has totally missed the OPs point I don't care thats its so OT...-------------
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 2:26pm
| My 2c would also not be moving to chch - I looked at moving there a few months ago and nice housing was hard/expensive to come by. But I know how crap it can be trapped at your parents in one room with a baby - would you compromise, move out to the outskirts where you can afford to live but close enough that bio dad can visit? And new bf fly to visit you instead? Would prob be cheaper since he could grabaseat etc and there is only one of him. Hope whatever you do works out for everyone involved. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 3:30pm
I don't see the point of turning this thread into something it is not... |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 4:20pm
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Thats ok Jazzy I don't see the point in being unsupportive and unkind but I see it everywhere I look these days. I guess if I have to grind my teeth over posts that I think are unneccessary its only fair to give you the same opportunity
Plus the OP *was* looking for some support, not necessarily agreement with her views but some forum friendship, so I guess you could say the thread got turned into something it wasn't intended to be by everyone who decided to tell her/imply she was an irresponsible mother who wasn't prioritising her son and was being mean to her ex who is so obviously a committed father because of a sentence or two taken from her original post. -------------
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Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 5:09pm
Then perhaps you could read what I have to say and attempt to understand it rather than implying that I am a selfish, dole bludging bad mother. For clarity, that sentence was aimed at more than just you, Jazzy. Your post was just the most recent, so easiest to quote. Here is what I wanted from this thread; Somewhere to put all my jumbled thoughts, feelings and fears at a time when I was feeling alone and vulnerable. Maybe a couple of positive replies, not necessarily containing legal advice. Basically "That must suck, *hugs*" If anyone had been in a similar situation, then sharing that experience would have been most welcome. And the usual being pointed to CAB / legal aid. I did expect that not everyone would agree with my desire to move, but I did not expect to be attacked for it. I'll know better next time I think I can rely on the kindness of strangers. And this bit is probably the most important bit. This is what I want, and what I hope to happen after I move. I'll even add supporting arguments. I want to: - Have somewhere to call home, big enough to raise a family in. Rentals in Auckland are overpriced and for what is being charged for a tidy 2 bedroom unit with a patio up here, in Christchurch I could get a fully furnished 2 bedroom home with a decent sized (if not huge), fully fenced backyard. Or so my research leads me to believe. - Provide a stable family environment for Caleb. Living with my mother will do for now, but it is not what I want for my son. I want him to see a healthy relationship, because I believe it will help him have one himself one day. Another part of family is siblings, which has been discussed with Tyler, and we're not going to rule that out for a few years down the line. - Marry the man of my dreams. Which is a part of the previous point, but I thought that one was getting a bit long. I do realise that 7 months is not a long relationship, but I had actually known Tyler online for over 5 years when we met face to face in Feb. It has now been more than 6 years since we first spoke online. I think we know each other well enough. - Provide good role models, including a wonderful step dad. Tyler is everything I hope Caleb will be - Hard working, dedicated, passionate, honest, healthy and strongly against drug use. On top of that, his family and friends seem to be much the same. - Continue to support a relationship with his biological father, who may be a terrible influence (regular drug user, campaigns for legalisation of pot, smoker, drinks heavily at social occasions from what I gather from the stories he tells, never walks anywhere, eats unhealthily, makes poor financial decisions, is gainfully UNemployed and has been since I was pregnant, as far as I can remember) but he does love his son. Ideally, visits would be every 10 weeks for 1 week. I believe that 10 weeks is long enough for a low income family to scrape $300 together, just, and short enough that Caleb will still know his father. As it seems to have been missed or misread last time I said it, yes, I will be staying on the DPB down there. For a few weeks, while I sort myself out and arrange stopping it with WINZ, at which point Tyler and I can legally live together. I hope I haven't missed anything important, but I think it's all there. As this post has been sitting here for an hour, I should probably post it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 5:34pm
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Jelly, I have not attacked you & I never said you were a selfish, dole bludging bad mother & I would never say that to anyone.
If you wanted hugs & people to agree with you then you should of said that in the beginning & I would not of given you advise which I see you now don't want. However one of my points were what happens if you get consent to move to CHCH on the agreement that you fly up every 8 weeks like you stated & then for what ever reason can not afford to do that...what happens then?... now that is just one of my concerns for you & after reading your posts there are a lot of concerns there. I have friends who have been in situations like this & things have ended badly. 1 very close friend left her husband after being beaten for yrs, they sold the house she had his permission (verbal) to move out of Auckland & then several mths later he followed her & fought for custody, made her life hell, she had just put her money in to a little place for her & her son & got a part time job, where as he bought a $60k+ new car & went on a benefit. She is broke, he has shared custody so pays nothing to her & the child is sick all the time when he has him & she has huge lawyer bills, she moved to have a new life & felt even more trapped & alone...of course not saying this will happen to you but you need to look at all angles. So Jelly if its hugs you want you got it, hope everything works out for you...but for god sake get legal advise.
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Posted By: Limochick
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 2:30pm
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I honestly can't believe some of the comments in this thread!! Jelly is a mum like us all who cares and adores her son. She wants to do what is best for them both. I think having a happy mother is an important thing and why should she give up her happiness!! I was in a similar situation and moved my oldest 2 boys away from there dad, he lives 6hrs drive away and yes it is hard but they love where we live and our lives!! I think have a separated family is hard enough without Jelly being unhappy!!
Hugs chick and do what will make you happy but I do agree that you should get an agreement written up!! I also think he should be going halves in airfares!! -------------  
 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 3:53pm
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I agree with Limo. And definitely that he should help in airfares? Why shouldn't he? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 4:01pm
He is not the moving away. I would expect him to pay all travel costs if he was the one moving away. |
Posted By: Limochick
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 4:04pm
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My ex and I go halves in all travel costs and I'm the one who moved away!! -------------
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 4:07pm
that great & the way most would do it, I am guessing he was ok with you going...not contesting it? |
Posted By: Limochick
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 4:36pm
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He apparently had the documents to stop me from going but never served me with them!! It isn't an easy road but for me I couldn't stay in the same town as him. -------------
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 4:42pm
yeah I would think it would be hard for anyone in that situation, glad it worked out for you... |