Friendships - what’s your experience?

Just wanted to know how people find it in terms of
1) meeting new people
2) making new friends
3) maintaining friendships

ie. is it harder in Auckland or other cities and easier in smaller towns? eg. we're too busy or others are too busy or too spread out/far away? Do people tend to have friends from school days or university and not really interested in making new ones? Or form friendships at ante-natal class and not interested in making the effort for more?

I'm just really interested to know how things are for people as a mum but also just at our general agegroup and this stage in our lives as mums.

Edited by nathansmummy

I moved rurally a couple of years ago and I have to say I've met heaps more people here than I did in town, but I dont' think I'd really call them friends. They are mostly older folks who are lovely, but I don't have much in common with.

Having a baby has opened doors hugely. I've made friends in antenatal class, in the doctors waiting room (spend way too much time there!), in the supermarket (a baby who smiles on cue sure attracts attention), as well as at various baby groups such as LLL I've attended. Also other daycare parents. Just start up a convo, if you don't click, you haven't lost anything. If you don't smile and say hello, you might have just bypassed someone who could have been a fantastic part of your life.

I guess my friends are mostly made up of uni friends, people I've met through baby-related things including on here, and colleagues who have become good friends rather than just workmates.

I find the friends I want to spend most time with changes as my and their lives change. I tend to migrate towards those I'm in a similar place to, but I also have a "once my friend, always my friend" kind of policy, where I have friends who I might only see once a year or less - especially those who live far away - but when we do see each other, it's all good again, no boohoos about not emailing each other etc. I LOVE to get contact out of the blue from old friends. So I guess in that respect I find maintaining friendships quite easy.

I'm late 20s btw

I think, to an extent, the older you get the harder it becomes. Most people already have long term established friendships, been through significant life experiences with these people and while you "meet" other people, they tend not to be "taking anybody on right now".

Once you have children you kind of get "thrown" into coffee groups or A/N groups etc with all kinds of people with (usually) different life experiences/backgrounds and really, all you have in common is that you had a baby. That makes it very hard to establish any meaningful kind of relationship because there is nothing in common but children and after a while that's not really enough to sustain a friendship. Music and play groups are a bit like that too. I find this is where the whole clique thing happens too - you get your little "cool" group, sporty group, nerds etc.

Sometimes it means "putting yourself out there" and thats hard too, rejection isn't plesant at any age, but I've found getting a hobby has helped lots, although I already have a good "circle"...once my eldest got to school I found people were less "baby centric" too so it was easier to establish who you had more in common with as it were...I joined all the helpers teams etc.

Maintaining is hard work if you are at different life stages... I found my non baby friends kind of faded ntot he backgroud alot when the children were younger as they were such a huge part of my life and we had "less" in common at that time...however now the kids are bigger and I'm more "myself" things are easier again (read its much easier when the kids are past the needier stages!)
I think there has to be alot of give and take - youhave to be understanding that your child filled days stories arte a bit *snore* for your non kid friends and vice versa those falling out of clubs at 2am stories don't appeal so much now either. And your friends with children - we are usually asier on each other cos we know that time is dependant on willing children and sleeps etc and we are more sympathetic to tiredness, marraige woes etc cos we know what having a child does to everything else!

I don't kow if any of that made any sense, I just word vomited a blog I wrote a while back, been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

I'm 25 and to be honest, I'm a bit of a hermit. Don't have many friends at all. I have plenty of 'facebook friends' who are all people I know.... either I've worked with them or went to school with them, but I never really 'hang out' with any girlfriends. I have one friend I met through antenatal classes and we get along well and catch up once a fortnight, but that's about it. Other than that I'm either at work, at home or at my parents place. My little sister (20) is probably my best friend. But I'm happy with that. I had tonnes of friends in my partying days but now I look back and realise none of them were true friends. We'd only see each other when we went out on the town. None of them were people I'd call to catch up for coffee etc. I'm quite happy, just me and my wee family lol

A lot of it comes down to me not being great at making new friends. And it's not that I'm not confident. I work as a sales consultant so am talking to people all the time and love it, but I guess I just don't like opening up to people.

I grew up rurally and in a small town still have a few friends from those days but we all live on opposite sides or either the world or country but we still manage to catch up around once a year and talk thoughout the year either skype or phone sometimes facebook.

Then I have my group of friends were i live now been here for about 10yrs now and have a great group of friends and some of them have moved away now but we still keep intouch.

Then have my work buddies we sometimes go out for tea then I have james friends parents but would call most of the aquintances (sp)

I used to find it hard meeting new people used to be quite shy and reserved but have seem to of growen out of it as I have gotten older.

Do find it hared and you do have to put the effort in sometimes to see each other as most of my friends down here have kids and different work schedules.

I guess it depends on how you define friendships, I have friends via OB, FB and other online communities I belong to whom I haven't met yet consider to be my friends. They are as kind and supportive to me and my family as are friends I've known since school.

Oddly enough the FB friends from school aren't the girls I was friends with when we were at school. Guess we've all grown up!

I have found meeting people from online communities a lot easier as there is no awkward introductions. Getting to know the women from my AN coffee group from the beginning seemed almost old fashioned.

caliandjack wrote: Oddly enough the FB friends from school aren't the girls I was friends with when we were at school. Guess we've all grown up!

I know, isn't that weird? I'm friends on FB with a girl I never really got on with... now it seems we've got quite a lot in common. I never really see her IRL, but I think we'd get on better than I do with some of my old friends from school.

crafty1 wrote: I had a different experience to you fattartsrock with baby groups. I found that about half of the girls in my baby antenatal group just really hit it off and had heaps in common. Same in playgroups - i have been to a few and don't ever see 'cliques' per se. Of course you congregate more to the people you know but never noticed certain groupings like that.

I didn't actually have a "coffee group" per se, I did the hospital ante natal classes and we were all waaaay different, so it never really took off.   Most of my observations come from my work and a long term invvolvement with parents centre after my Eldest was born. Most of those coffee goups worked out ok (parents centre) as the people joining PC seemed to be all of similar backgrounds and stuff.
Through my work I visit play groups and coffee groups and stuff and outsiders soemtimes see what insiders don't. It's not always that way but yeah, lots of times it is.
Plus, my kids are now at school and almost at school, so I have moved away from babies being a part of absolutely everything I say and do, because I now have the luxury of them being a bit more independant so yeah. When that happens and you get a bit of your old self back someimes just having children in common isn't enought to really sustain a good friendship, but sometimes it is. I love my kids with all my heart and soul but they are not what I always want to talk or hear about!
I guess it is different for everyone. Also moving towns when you are a "grown up" is hell hard to "break in" to groups, so sometimes a baby or children are really good friendmaking tools!

Edited by fattartsrock

I think the reason our AN coffee group has been a success is cause it was a weekend course held over 2 saturdays - spending two whole days with each other including morning teas and lunch helped us all connect with each other.

Even so out of a doz couples that were part of our AN class there's only half of us that go to coffee group and now that some of the Mum's are starting to return to work its harder to maintain coffee groups.

I'm in my late 20s and don't live in NZ at the moment, I'm in a big city - Singapore - and have lived in 3 major cities in the past 6 years. I've always considered myself "lucky" for meeting the right people at the right time when I've moved cities: either through work or sport or kids now that I've got them. I met one of my closest friends here on the side of the road waiting for a taxi (!) although we did know someone in common and lived in the same apartment block ;) Another very good friend I met in a playground last year - our boys were playing together and we realised we were both Kiwis. She was new to Singapore so I took her to the nearest cafe with decent coffee and we swapped numbers and have been friends ever since.

I do think it comes down to putting yourself out there, particularly when you move cities. I've likened meeting people here to dating - you have to meet LOTS of people before you find the ones that can be true friends.

I agree that you won't always be best mates with baby group ladies. I think you'll be disappointed if you go into it thinking that's the case. Better to be pleasantly surprised when you realise you've got a group of like-minded women who also like each other IMO. I went to two baby groups with DS1, one through a well baby clinic and the other was a group of girls from my apartment block which later included randoms from prenatal yoga, other coffee groups and even a mum I met at the Botanic Gardens who was new to Singapore (there is a theme here). The second group are the ones I am still in touch with now and a lot of us have recently had baby #2 and still meet up with the little babies once a week.

I think it's easier to maintain friendships now that Facebook is on the scene! It's much easier to keep in touch with friends back home in NZ, in other countries and even here in Singapore. I do have friends that make more of an effort than others and confess I make less of an effort to keep in touch with them now that I have two kids. One is a friend who is part of my really close group of girlfriends, people I knew here before I had children but we have all had kids over the past 3 years except one (she's not the one that's drifting away though).