Friendships - what’s your experience?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39222
Printed Date: 29 August 2025 at 7:50pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Friendships - what’s your experience?
Posted By: nathansmummy
Subject: Friendships - what’s your experience?
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 8:12pm
|
Just wanted to know how people find it in terms of
1) meeting new people 2) making new friends 3) maintaining friendships ie. is it harder in Auckland or other cities and easier in smaller towns? eg. we're too busy or others are too busy or too spread out/far away? Do people tend to have friends from school days or university and not really interested in making new ones? Or form friendships at ante-natal class and not interested in making the effort for more? I'm just really interested to know how things are for people as a mum but also just at our general agegroup and this stage in our lives as mums. |
Replies:
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 8:24pm
|
Having lived in small towns and larger cities over the last 10 years its been easier to meet people and make friends in Auckland. I've found Aucklanders to be a friendly bunch. Since having DD I've met a lot of Mums and have more coffee groups and mothers groups than I can attend in one week.
There is so much to do up here all you have to do is go out and do it. I have found I have to make an effort DD is super cute and makes it easy to talk to people. I'm guessing I'm in a different age group to you, in my late 30's I'm one of the last of my peers to have a family. My friends children are school aged or pre-schoolers. We tend to meet up at each others houses for lunch. Late nights are a thing of the past with a baby. I found it difficult to meet people and make friends living in smaller towns as locals tended to stick to themselves and I commuted for work to the closest city was only 20 mins away. I have been fortunate to meet a lot of the OB Mums IRL and they're all lovely and count them as my friends. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 8:27pm
|
I moved rurally a couple of years ago and I have to say I've met heaps more people here than I did in town, but I dont' think I'd really call them friends. They are mostly older folks who are lovely, but I don't have much in common with.
Having a baby has opened doors hugely. I've made friends in antenatal class, in the doctors waiting room (spend way too much time there!), in the supermarket (a baby who smiles on cue sure attracts attention), as well as at various baby groups such as LLL I've attended. Also other daycare parents. Just start up a convo, if you don't click, you haven't lost anything. If you don't smile and say hello, you might have just bypassed someone who could have been a fantastic part of your life. I guess my friends are mostly made up of uni friends, people I've met through baby-related things including on here, and colleagues who have become good friends rather than just workmates. I find the friends I want to spend most time with changes as my and their lives change. I tend to migrate towards those I'm in a similar place to, but I also have a "once my friend, always my friend" kind of policy, where I have friends who I might only see once a year or less - especially those who live far away - but when we do see each other, it's all good again, no boohoos about not emailing each other etc. I LOVE to get contact out of the blue from old friends. So I guess in that respect I find maintaining friendships quite easy. I'm late 20s btw  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 8:35pm
|
I'm in Chch, and lived rurally just outside of Chch too, so best of both worlds.
Before I had kids I didn't put myself out there much. I have a group of girlfriends from high school (4 of us) who I am incredibly close to (and our husbands are all close as well). My bestie has been the same since I was 2 and our sisters are best friends also so haven't really needed another confidant. I also studied with the same group of 20 people for 3 years and have kept in touch with them a few years down the track. Then I met the AN mums, and out of 17 couples, 8 of us still meet regularly and are what I consider close friends. I also have the army wives (about 4 of us) whose husbands are close, that I keep in touch with regularly. Then there's the DC mums for DS's playdates. OK... basically what I'm trying to say is I'm super busy at work etc, so only make time for those I'm closest to on a regular basis. I used to look at some people who I was trying to make an effort with (when I didn't have many friends around at a certain point) and wonder why I didn't see them more often, but TBH now I understand that we're all just so busy. So I hope my friends understand that too when I haven't seen them in ages! ETA: the way I wrote this makes me look like I'm going 'look at how many friends I have'  too tired to edit it to get the point across that, we have friends from all different walks of life that mean something different to us. I also rely on those friendships a lot more than some others, as I often have no husband (and neither do some of my friends, so we go out on dates etc!)
Oh and I'm mid 20's, my sis who is only 2 years older would tell you completely differently regarding friends as she doesn't have a tight support network around her like I do 
|
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 9:04pm
|
I think, to an extent, the older you get the harder it becomes. Most people already have long term established friendships, been through significant life experiences with these people and while you "meet" other people, they tend not to be "taking anybody on right now".
Once you have children you kind of get "thrown" into coffee groups or A/N groups etc with all kinds of people with (usually) different life experiences/backgrounds and really, all you have in common is that you had a baby. That makes it very hard to establish any meaningful kind of relationship because there is nothing in common but children and after a while that's not really enough to sustain a friendship. Music and play groups are a bit like that too. I find this is where the whole clique thing happens too - you get your little "cool" group, sporty group, nerds etc. Sometimes it means "putting yourself out there" and thats hard too, rejection isn't plesant at any age, but I've found getting a hobby has helped lots, although I already have a good "circle"...once my eldest got to school I found people were less "baby centric" too so it was easier to establish who you had more in common with as it were...I joined all the helpers teams etc. Maintaining is hard work if you are at different life stages... I found my non baby friends kind of faded ntot he backgroud alot when the children were younger as they were such a huge part of my life and we had "less" in common at that time...however now the kids are bigger and I'm more "myself" things are easier again (read its much easier when the kids are past the needier stages!) I think there has to be alot of give and take - youhave to be understanding that your child filled days stories arte a bit *snore* for your non kid friends and vice versa those falling out of clubs at 2am stories don't appeal so much now either. And your friends with children - we are usually asier on each other cos we know that time is dependant on willing children and sleeps etc and we are more sympathetic to tiredness, marraige woes etc cos we know what having a child does to everything else! I don't kow if any of that made any sense, I just word vomited a blog I wrote a while back, been thinking about it quite a bit lately. |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 10:05pm
|
Me too fattarts (mulling over). I think it's a weird time of life for me at least. Glad I'm not alone!
Would be interested to read your blog! |
Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 10:14pm
|
I'm 25 and to be honest, I'm a bit of a hermit. Don't have many friends at all. I have plenty of 'facebook friends' who are all people I know.... either I've worked with them or went to school with them, but I never really 'hang out' with any girlfriends. I have one friend I met through antenatal classes and we get along well and catch up once a fortnight, but that's about it. Other than that I'm either at work, at home or at my parents place. My little sister (20) is probably my best friend. But I'm happy with that. I had tonnes of friends in my partying days but now I look back and realise none of them were true friends. We'd only see each other when we went out on the town. None of them were people I'd call to catch up for coffee etc. I'm quite happy, just me and my wee family lol
A lot of it comes down to me not being great at making new friends. And it's not that I'm not confident. I work as a sales consultant so am talking to people all the time and love it, but I guess I just don't like opening up to people. -------------  
|
Posted By: blossombaby
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 10:31pm
|
snap nzlisajo about the friends from partying and not true friends. I used to have alot of close gf .. go out all the time for dinner go shopping etcetc the normal gf things and since i've had DD they never invite me out (not that i would go to town but the dinner part i would), none of them pop in for a visit .. i only see them a) if i bump into them at the mall or something or b) if we go to their house. alot of my 'friends' are with dps 'friends' most have children to but choose to go out EVERY weekend and send the kids to other people where as we rather spend it with each other or our baby or we are busy working. but i'm not bothered enjoy my wee family and dp is my best friend - also have a coffee group which is fun but they are alot older then me and we don't have anything in common other then the babies! and a couple of friends i can go for a walk etc with. i really thought having dd i would catch up with other "mummy" friends but i guess we are all busy at different times etc.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 7:23am
|
I grew up rurally and in a small town still have a few friends from those days but we all live on opposite sides or either the world or country but we still manage to catch up around once a year and talk thoughout the year either skype or phone sometimes facebook.
Then I have my group of friends were i live now been here for about 10yrs now and have a great group of friends and some of them have moved away now but we still keep intouch. Then have my work buddies we sometimes go out for tea then I have james friends parents but would call most of the aquintances (sp) I used to find it hard meeting new people used to be quite shy and reserved but have seem to of growen out of it as I have gotten older. Do find it hared and you do have to put the effort in sometimes to see each other as most of my friends down here have kids and different work schedules. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 7:46am
|
I'm the same as nzlisajo really, once I stopped partying every week those friendships I had from school and uni fizzled out, and most of them moved out of town or out of the country.
I met a great bunch of ladies through AN coffee group (all where older, but it didn't matter), and then we moved cities, to a place where we know no one. -------------  
|
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 8:22am
|
I guess it depends on how you define friendships, I have friends via OB, FB and other online communities I belong to whom I haven't met yet consider to be my friends. They are as kind and supportive to me and my family as are friends I've known since school.
Oddly enough the FB friends from school aren't the girls I was friends with when we were at school. Guess we've all grown up! I have found meeting people from online communities a lot easier as there is no awkward introductions. Getting to know the women from my AN coffee group from the beginning seemed almost old fashioned. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 8:26am
Yep this is exactly it...majority of people are as shy as we are so it always needs someone to take initiative! Mind you this is something I've done more as I've got older & care less what people think of me. I'm starting to get long in the tooth now! ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
T_Rex wrote:Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 8:27am
I know, isn't that weird? I'm friends on FB with a girl I never really got on with... now it seems we've got quite a lot in common. I never really see her IRL, but I think we'd get on better than I do with some of my old friends from school. -------------   
|
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 9:00am
|
I had a different experience to you fattartsrock with baby groups. I found that about half of the girls in my baby antenatal group just really hit it off and had heaps in common. Same in playgroups - i have been to a few and don't ever see 'cliques' per se. Of course you congregate more to the people you know but never noticed certain groupings like that.
I have met heaps of people since babies and like others find that i see less of my prev friends, especially the ones you only partied with (don't see them at all). I do see old mates maybe once or twice a month at most but the baby friends i see twice a week cos we are all at home so have lots of playdates. I wonder if it is also cos the baby friends tend to be geographically close - my oldest and bestest 2 friends live in London and right across the other side of Auckland. And they work. And i'm too tired to go out in the evening. It's funny that you can so close to some people and then babies just wham change it all. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
|
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 12:33pm
I didn't actually have a "coffee group" per se, I did the hospital ante natal classes and we were all waaaay different, so it never really took off. Most of my observations come from my work and a long term invvolvement with parents centre after my Eldest was born. Most of those coffee goups worked out ok (parents centre) as the people joining PC seemed to be all of similar backgrounds and stuff. Through my work I visit play groups and coffee groups and stuff and outsiders soemtimes see what insiders don't. It's not always that way but yeah, lots of times it is.
Plus, my kids are now at school and almost at school, so I have moved away from babies being a part of absolutely everything I say and do, because I now have the luxury of them being a bit more independant so yeah. When that happens and you get a bit of your old self back someimes just having children in common isn't enought to really sustain a good friendship, but sometimes it is. I love my kids with all my heart and soul but they are not what I always want to talk or hear about! I guess it is different for everyone. Also moving towns when you are a "grown up" is hell hard to "break in" to groups, so sometimes a baby or children are really good friendmaking tools! |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 12:44pm
|
http://talesfromthenaughtycorner.blogspot.com/ - Tales from the naughty corner
The blog... |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 12:49pm
|
I think the reason our AN coffee group has been a success is cause it was a weekend course held over 2 saturdays - spending two whole days with each other including morning teas and lunch helped us all connect with each other.
Even so out of a doz couples that were part of our AN class there's only half of us that go to coffee group and now that some of the Mum's are starting to return to work its harder to maintain coffee groups. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 12:50pm
|
The baby/kid thing is much the same as work colleagues, some friendships survive outside the work place others don't once you no longer have the same things in common. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 1:46pm
|
I'm in my late 20s and don't live in NZ at the moment, I'm in a big city - Singapore - and have lived in 3 major cities in the past 6 years. I've always considered myself "lucky" for meeting the right people at the right time when I've moved cities: either through work or sport or kids now that I've got them. I met one of my closest friends here on the side of the road waiting for a taxi (!) although we did know someone in common and lived in the same apartment block ;) Another very good friend I met in a playground last year - our boys were playing together and we realised we were both Kiwis. She was new to Singapore so I took her to the nearest cafe with decent coffee and we swapped numbers and have been friends ever since.
I do think it comes down to putting yourself out there, particularly when you move cities. I've likened meeting people here to dating - you have to meet LOTS of people before you find the ones that can be true friends. I agree that you won't always be best mates with baby group ladies. I think you'll be disappointed if you go into it thinking that's the case. Better to be pleasantly surprised when you realise you've got a group of like-minded women who also like each other IMO. I went to two baby groups with DS1, one through a well baby clinic and the other was a group of girls from my apartment block which later included randoms from prenatal yoga, other coffee groups and even a mum I met at the Botanic Gardens who was new to Singapore (there is a theme here). The second group are the ones I am still in touch with now and a lot of us have recently had baby #2 and still meet up with the little babies once a week. I think it's easier to maintain friendships now that Facebook is on the scene! It's much easier to keep in touch with friends back home in NZ, in other countries and even here in Singapore. I do have friends that make more of an effort than others and confess I make less of an effort to keep in touch with them now that I have two kids. One is a friend who is part of my really close group of girlfriends, people I knew here before I had children but we have all had kids over the past 3 years except one (she's not the one that's drifting away though). ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: kandk
Date Posted: 18 May 2011 at 10:37pm
|
I think the town does make a difference. I moved from Chch to the West Coast a while back. What I found there was that among my age group there were a lot of professioanl people who had moved there for work. (Weird, I know!)Very few of the people I met were locals, so there was a real incentive to make new friends, and everyone was correspondingly very welcoming, as they knew what it was like to shift to the area and not know anyone. Now I've moved again, and it's very different. Here, everyone I meet seems to be local, or has been here for ages. They have their own groups of friends and family here already, so although they are all lovely people they don't make the effort to include us in ther lives at all. We meet on a playcentre/music group level, but that is all. I've invited people round, but nothing has come of that. It's like someone said, they're 'not taking anyone on'. I suspect they don;t even realise that they are excluding others (this town does have a reputation for being cliquey and hard to break into!), but that's how it comes across.
Sorry, I've drifted away from the topic a bit! And I apologise to anyone on this forum who lives here - obviously I haven't met you here yet! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: DzinerGirl
Date Posted: 19 May 2011 at 11:12pm
|
meeting new people
I've found I'm meeting so many more new people since having Noah, through AN coffee group and on here too. I've always been shy about meeting new people but have found it alot easier to start up conversations when there are babies involved. I'm looking forward to when I start to take Noah to Playcentre or a playgroup as I'm hoping I will make some new friends through there too. making new friends I would count the ladies in my coffee group (from AN group) as friends and I see these ladies quite frequently but don't really know any of them on a deeper level IYGWIM? For instance I know all about their births, triumphs and struggles with mummyhood and what they did (job-wise) "before" but not much about other stuff like hobbies, likes/dislikes etc. But perhaps that will come?? We met a heap of new people on our Contiki tour and I chat occasionally with some of them but I've maintained regular email contact with 1 girl in Aussie and would consider her a friend, and in fact DH & I plan to take a trip to Aussie in the next few years to see them and introduce our kids (again they're at a similar life stage to us) maintaining friendships I have one very good friend who I met when we worked together at my first FT job and our friendship has lasted through working together on & off for the past 9 years. I think it has helped that we've gone through different stages together and now our kids are only 3 months apart we try and catch up as regularly as we can when our schedules align LOL I don't see friends from school anymore as they aren't at the same stage as I am and while we used to catch up it got to the stage where we didn't have enough in common to talk about once we got past the catching up phase of the convo. I have 1 good guy friend from school/sport who I chat with regularly and who is at a similar life stage with his wife to hubby and I. I've found I've let a few girls, who I considered close friends, "go" as it got to the point where it was tiring trying to arrange catch ups only for them to pull out at literally the last minute or I would try and contact a couple of times and would never hear back from them. I figured my time was better spent with people who wanted to make the time/effort for me. I will always try and make the effort to maintain contact and therefore forge a friendship with people who show the same sort of interest/effort in reciprocating..if that makes sense? |
Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 20 May 2011 at 9:07am
|
Me and DH are absolutely terrible at maintaining friendships and making new ones!! We just seem content to be hermits. We were both surrounded by loads of 'friends' back in the partying days but since that we have moved towns a couple of times and lost contact with them.
I did a long uni course with the same people each year and that was good to make some friendships - kinda forced into it hehe... But since having bubs they have faded away too - theyre all off making their big careers and im "just" a mummy.. DH is shy just like myself and so we find it hard to put ourselves out there, he only works with people older than him with not a lot more than work in common.. We did the parenting centre antenatal course and of course they have coffee groups every week, but it is such a huge group of people and to be honest I have a phobia of being in such big groups of people - guess I am a serious introvert! So I make it to coffee group on the odd occasion, more for bubs sake than my own. Really do need to force myself to go more often as I usually enjoy it once im there! So yep thats me, I guess I only really open up to a few people, family are closer to me than friends. Im happy with my own company most of the time! 
|
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 20 May 2011 at 11:06pm
|
1) meeting new people
Mostly, I have had the most success meeting new people through online parenting forums, either here, treasures or huggies. A couple of friends I have made through PND support group and zero through PIN groups. The suburb I live in is very well-off and we are not(just in the cheap end, $300pw cheap) And a lot of those mums I found have very, very busy lives, plus they are all older then me and they know each well through either AN groups or from their kids growing up together, from Kindy to School. We moved here from another suburb when older DD was 6, so she missed out on making friends through the Kindy or starting school. 2) making new friends As above. 3) maintaining friendships That about putting in time and having a listening ear and relating to one another I feel.
Well I've never tried to make new friends in a smaller town, back when I lived in Nelson, just more stuck with the people I knew from school or courses. So I can't really compare the 2. But I have found Wellington people friendlier then CHCH and Nelson people (no offense to those from there, I was born in CHCH) that was just my experience. I find with regards to my friends who work, yes, they are too busy, so maintaining those friendships is much harder. That's more of the odd catch up. I do have 3 friends in Wellington from my teenage years or high school years. But my best friend does live about 1 hrs drive away, so don't see her much, often just communicate by PM on FB. Same with the other 2 long time friends. Unfortunately, I didn't have the opportunity to finish AN class, so I missed out on the opportunity to meet anyone through that avenue. With regards to the friends whom I have made more recently, like the last 6 months, I tend to spend more time with them. I guess though, it helps they are less busy, like me and they live closer. But I really value my new friendships, as these new few friends, they have struggled and at times, still do struggle, with either PND or depression. And since it's something we have each experienced, well do really click, as we really do 'get' each other. And it's nice being able to support them too. So it's definitely a give and take friendship. I just find it is hard on my friends and draining on them, when I go through my 'depressed' periods, if they have not experienced mental illness themselves. They just tend to have a different attitude and are quite harsh and insensitive. I do like the slogan "like minds, like mine". I find it very relevant. -------------   
|
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 21 May 2011 at 12:40am
|
kandk - That really sux that West Coast people are clique. I have heard that about them too. My friends been there for years and still finds it a bit that way. -------------
|
Posted By: kandk
Date Posted: 21 May 2011 at 9:11pm
|
Sorry Escadachic, you must have missed the bit where I said I have moved again! Not on the Coast now! Coasters were a really friendly lot. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
|