In-Laws Advice

SmileyBear it's there loss, not yours or your DDs.  She has two parents and one set of grandparents that dote on her, that's more than many children have. 

I would stop worrying how much the in-laws see your daughter or what they're like when they do, it's a waste of energy. 

Their relationship with their grandaughter is their responsibility, not yours, if they choose to have minimal contact for now that's their prerogative.  All you can do is be open to them having a relationship with your daughter whatever form they want it to take.  She is only 5 months old so she won't recognise them from infrequent visits but as she grows older she will and she will get excited rather than upset when she sees them - relax, let it happen.

some people dont really like babies... they might prefer to be more involved when she is older and able to interact.

Why is it so important to you that they see her that often? To me it seems like the perfect amount of time that they have seen her. I don't have a baby yet but I know already that my folks would only come around once every few weeks and they only live 10 mins away. They are like that with their current grandchildren, it's not that they don't want to see them but they have a life!

I hear you. My FIL has seen DS twice since he was born 5 months ago - his loss. Luckily DS has MIL and my parents who are super involved, so he's not missing out.

I know sometimes it feels like your job to facilitate the relationship and make sure your DD doesn't miss out, but it will be ok.

jazzy wrote: And I have to say 20 mins away is a 40min trip.

thats a fair point and some people wont travel that far for a visit - but DPs parents live an hour n half away and they come down most weekends and his mum comes down during some weeks and they mostly always visit (depending on what we are up to and if we have had notice) - but I always make them feel as welcome as possible - and they have often 'just turned up' which is fine with me. so thats a 3 hour trip.




but agree that its not up to you to make the relationship happen. if the ILs are interested then they will genuinely try to make it work. and they would move heaven and earth to see their grandchild. and someone said that some people just dont like babies - fair comment and maybe they will be more involved as she gets older?


but i wouldnt keep putting yourself out there to be disappointed. I would just let them know that they are welcome to be a part of DD life, but when they want to be. make it known that you are not going to keep inviting them to be turned down until they are actually wanting to make it work.

smileybear i feel your pain! My inlaws are just like this. If we didn't go to visit them we wouldn't see them and neither would our kids.

I kind of got a bit of closure with it tho recently when i went to this parenting course and they talked about love languages. Turns out mine is quality time, so for me quality time = love. But there are 4 other types, gift giving, words of endearment, acts of service and physical affection. My mil is an act of service/gift giving type. So she feels she is showing her love for the boys by buying them huge piles of presents and clothes. If i asked her to do anything for me (act of service) she would move heaven and earth. But for me, i want her to come and see them and spend quality time with them cos that shows me she loves them.

Whew! that was hard to explain. So anyway i wonder if that is something like what you have. I must say since i figured this out it has really eased it all up for me in my mind (which is the only place the problem was tbh) and i don't worry about it now, cos really it's not something i can change.

So i agree with the others, try to stop dwelling on it and get some peace with it cos otherwise you'll end up bitter and twisted like me! The only person being hurt by my situation was me in the end and it is so nice to have put that behind me.

Funnily enough she emailed me and wants to come and visit tomorrow - first time ever since my 2.7yo was born.

Bizzy wrote: some people dont really like babies... they might prefer to be more involved when she is older and able to interact.

My step-dad is like this - he didnt really do the whole "baby thing"....not really interested at all, but as soon as DS was walking and interacting, he is great with him. My DS adores him and has long "conversations" with him now!

I think sometimes "older" people try to give new families some space (rightly or wrongly) as well, so perhaps its a combination of things with them.

I seriously wouldnt worry about it though, your child(ren) will grow up feeling loved and special by their grandparents even if they dont see them often. Mine lived in NZ and I was in the UK, I prob only saw them once a year at the most and I am very close to them.

 

the funny thing about the love languages is that your kids will have their own preferred way of giving and receiving love, so theirs can be different to yours too!

Maybe they think they are being a burden on you or disturbing you. Even if you ask them round they may still think they are doing you a favour by not coming over. Especially if you have a colicky baby and they think you have your hands full. Just a thought.