In-Laws Advice
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=37713
Printed Date: 27 August 2025 at 11:35am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: In-Laws Advice
Posted By: SmileyBear
Subject: In-Laws Advice
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:01am
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I'm after some advice on what to do about my in-laws.
We have a 5 month old daughter who is the first grandchild to my in-laws. I could count the amount of times they have seen her on my 2 hands (they live 20 minutes away). We are always calling them up to see if they want to see her but they say they are always busy ie going away for the weekend. Seeing as I'm home during the day I have offered for my MIL to come over during the day to visit but she never seems to want to (she doesn't work and had grown up children living at home) When our daughter does see them they never seem that interested in her, and moan when she cries when they hold her because she doesn't seem to remember or recognize them. It makes me sad that they don't seem interested in seeing her grow up. My parents dote on her and see her several times a week. Not sure what to do? I can't force them to see her. My DH just says they are busy people when I try to talk to him about it but I think they dont always have to go away. |
Replies:
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:14am
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SmileyBear it's there loss, not yours or your DDs. She has two parents and one set of grandparents that dote on her, that's more than many children have. I would stop worrying how much the in-laws see your daughter or what they're like when they do, it's a waste of energy. Their relationship with their grandaughter is their responsibility, not yours, if they choose to have minimal contact for now that's their prerogative. All you can do is be open to them having a relationship with your daughter whatever form they want it to take. She is only 5 months old so she won't recognise them from infrequent visits but as she grows older she will and she will get excited rather than upset when she sees them - relax, let it happen. -------------  
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Posted By: Bubie
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:32am
The sound exactly like mine, unfortunatly i have had to just relies that if they dont want to bother then it's their loss and my parents love DS to bits and he loves them, but my MIL does know that when she does see us and DS that he dosnt like her, he screams at her. So i have told DP that if she cant be bothered now then she will not be able to bother later, but i think her choice my be because of me and her not getting on 
It is very hard tho, and makes me very mad at times so i know what your going through ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:39am
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some people dont really like babies... they might prefer to be more involved when she is older and able to interact. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:59am
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I grew up with grandparents like you described.
One grandparent who I saw all the time (ok so she did live around the corner) and one set that I saw 2-3 times a year and for a couple of weeks at Christmas - and they only lived 40 minutes away. To be honest I dont think it was because they didnt love us - I think it was because they couldnt relate to us children. They weren't good a playing with us, and really didnt understand children. It was fun when they came to stay at christmas because it was a novelty. But I dont feel like I missed out on anything by not having them around all the time. They were still my grandparents and I love them. Dont worry about it and just let them visit as much as they are comfortable. It will all work out in the end. ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 11:54am
| Why is it so important to you that they see her that often? To me it seems like the perfect amount of time that they have seen her. I don't have a baby yet but I know already that my folks would only come around once every few weeks and they only live 10 mins away. They are like that with their current grandchildren, it's not that they don't want to see them but they have a life! |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 12:14pm
Agree  ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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MrsMojo wrote:Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 12:16pm
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I hear you. My FIL has seen DS twice since he was born 5 months ago - his loss. Luckily DS has MIL and my parents who are super involved, so he's not missing out.
I know sometimes it feels like your job to facilitate the relationship and make sure your DD doesn't miss out, but it will be ok. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 12:43pm
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Since your DH is not bothered by it it makes me wonder if that is there parenting style.
And I have to say 20 mins away is a 40min trip. What were they like before she was born, were they always around..were they interested in the pregnancy...did they promise to be involved once she was born? I think you are lucky your parents are so involved & would not wast time on worry about the IL's, let them be as involved as they want. |
Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 12:56pm
thats a fair point and some people wont travel that far for a visit - but DPs parents live an hour n half away and they come down most weekends and his mum comes down during some weeks and they mostly always visit (depending on what we are up to and if we have had notice) - but I always make them feel as welcome as possible - and they have often 'just turned up' which is fine with me. so thats a 3 hour trip. but agree that its not up to you to make the relationship happen. if the ILs are interested then they will genuinely try to make it work. and they would move heaven and earth to see their grandchild. and someone said that some people just dont like babies - fair comment and maybe they will be more involved as she gets older? but i wouldnt keep putting yourself out there to be disappointed. I would just let them know that they are welcome to be a part of DD life, but when they want to be. make it known that you are not going to keep inviting them to be turned down until they are actually wanting to make it work. |
Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 1:54pm
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Dh's parents live 30 mins away they visit far too often. My parents are 5 mins further than that and they are the same. We see either one every week some times both within a week and it drives me made. THe neverjust come to see us anymore its always the kids. Like then never osm in the arvo casue thats when they sleep. I agre with the others its there loss if the don't want to see your baby. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel  07/08/2014
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 2:16pm
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smileybear i feel your pain! My inlaws are just like this. If we didn't go to visit them we wouldn't see them and neither would our kids.
I kind of got a bit of closure with it tho recently when i went to this parenting course and they talked about love languages. Turns out mine is quality time, so for me quality time = love. But there are 4 other types, gift giving, words of endearment, acts of service and physical affection. My mil is an act of service/gift giving type. So she feels she is showing her love for the boys by buying them huge piles of presents and clothes. If i asked her to do anything for me (act of service) she would move heaven and earth. But for me, i want her to come and see them and spend quality time with them cos that shows me she loves them. Whew! that was hard to explain. So anyway i wonder if that is something like what you have. I must say since i figured this out it has really eased it all up for me in my mind (which is the only place the problem was tbh) and i don't worry about it now, cos really it's not something i can change. So i agree with the others, try to stop dwelling on it and get some peace with it cos otherwise you'll end up bitter and twisted like me! The only person being hurt by my situation was me in the end and it is so nice to have put that behind me. Funnily enough she emailed me and wants to come and visit tomorrow - first time ever since my 2.7yo was born. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 4:06pm
wow that actually makes alot of sense. im a quality time/physical affection type 'love' aswell - and i have always associated 'lots of pressies' with buying someone off. (like buy the kids sh!tloads of gifts = not having to spend time with them) but i never though/realised that maybe thats just the way they show their love. thanks 
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 5:11pm
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My step-dad is like this - he didnt really do the whole "baby thing"....not really interested at all, but as soon as DS was walking and interacting, he is great with him. My DS adores him and has long "conversations" with him now! I think sometimes "older" people try to give new families some space (rightly or wrongly) as well, so perhaps its a combination of things with them. I seriously wouldnt worry about it though, your child(ren) will grow up feeling loved and special by their grandparents even if they dont see them often. Mine lived in NZ and I was in the UK, I prob only saw them once a year at the most and I am very close to them.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: SmileyBear
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 5:47pm
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I agree it is their loss and I shouldn't let it get to me but I do.
Before I got pregnant they used to call DH and I more and invite us around for tea or to go away with them. They were excited about the pregnancy and used to call often to see how things were. Deep down I think part of the reason they don't see DD that often is because she is a refluxy/colicky baby and does cry a lot. To me it seems like they think she is too much of an effort to have around - who knows. I guess I am more a quality time/physical affection type of parent too, and they are probably words of endearment/gift giving. I guess I just get annoyed as the last time we called and said we would pop over to see them they couldn't as they were seeing my MIL's walking buddy's grandson (they have seen him about 3 times already and hes only 2 months old). Anyway I'm not going to dwell on it, its their loss. I'm going to make an effort from now on not to worry about it and when they want to see her they will contact us. in the meantime she can have all the affection and love and cuddles from my parents and they give enough to cover the in laws too....lol |
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 6:49pm
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the funny thing about the love languages is that your kids will have their own preferred way of giving and receiving love, so theirs can be different to yours too! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 7:31pm
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My IL's hardly ever see our kids, they never ring or email asking if they can come round, though once in a while they email and say "it would be good to see you sometime" and I always think well FFS ask if you can come here, dont make us go there all the time.
To be honest, I dont care and its their loss not mine. My parents live next to us so they see the kids a lot and even when we lived in another town they still saw the kids a few times a week, my parents are doting grandparents. ------------- |
Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:35pm
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Maybe they think they are being a burden on you or disturbing you. Even if you ask them round they may still think they are doing you a favour by not coming over. Especially if you have a colicky baby and they think you have your hands full. Just a thought.
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