Jealousy

How do you deal with it?

I think it probably comes from insecurity/low self esteem in my case, but there is a person in my life who seems to have everything- looks, skinny, money, seemingly perfect life etc, and I can't help but feel jealous of her even though I know everything isn't as it seems, and also I have a lot in life to be thankful for. I never ever verbalise it and don't show my feelings to her, but I find it so hard to deal with these feelings inside they eat me up. I am aware of them when they arise, I know I am the only one who has the power to stop them, but I find it so hard to do. Jealousy is an ugly emotion as they say but surely we've all experienced it at some point... how have you/did you deal with it?

Not sure if this will help, but I once met this girl, a friend of my sisters, who is beautiful, thin, confident, great career, heart of gold, and found myself really jelous! My sister later told me that she was bought up by her grandparents, after being taken off her parents because of neglect, she had an uncle sexually abuse her, the love of her life was killed right in front of her and it made me really open my eyes. To get where she is today she has been through all of that and god only knows what else. Nothing is ever as it seems but massive hugs to you, it's often a feeling that can't be fought easily xx

I have this problem too...as a single parent of 1 I look around (especially during holiday season) at all the "traditional" families (2 parents, 2 or more kids) and wish it was me. I work in an office where some people earn a lot and go on lots of overseas trips, something I am not able to afford but would love to do. I have been writing a gratitude list - I add one or two things to it each day. This helps me to appreciate the good things in my life. I've also written a list of the things I have achieved in the last couple of years so I can feel proud of how far I have come. Sometimes you just have to accept that you will feel jealous and this is not necessarily a bad thing, it can motivate you to change things in your life. You just need to keep things in perspective and also appreciate what you have.

I used to be insanely jealous of my younger sister. She just seems to have so much without having to work for any of it, she got a lot of favoritism from my parents who (very much) disproportionately spent time and money on her, and she married someone who is already well established having got a business and property from his parents... We have to work our butts off for what we have and its still nowhere close to what they do (all materialistic stuff)... And they just love to rub our faces in it, constantly talking about all the toys they have...

It used to get to me a lot, really badly, but then one day I just realised that we were in such different situations, I had loads of bits in my life I wouldnt trade for anything, even for all the toys and money they seem to have. I realised there is absolutely no point in trying to compare yourselves with others, and it just eats you up inside to try and compete with them. Just be proud of what you do, and what you have achieved and bugger all the rest!   

Isabella, I have cousins who sound a lot like your situation with your sister (youngest daughter getting a lot more attention/money spent than the others) and I have seen it tear them apart so big hugs to you having to deal with that, it's great you have been able to find some peace with it all.

You all make really good points. I try to remind myself always that people only present themselves the way they want to be seen- for example, on facebook I put up all these really happy pictures of our little family and happy status updates etc and probably from the outside people would look at me and feel jealous too. But there's so much I don't share with people and I try to remember that when feeling this way. I know this person has had their share of troubles too, but somehow that knowledge gets lost in all else I see.

I am very interested in what you say KcP about it being your minds way of telling you there's emotions you're not dealing with. Thinking deeper into why this certain person gets to me I can come up with a number of reasons which help it to make sense to me... without going into details as family members come on here, it's partly to do with a family member favouring this person over me and how it makes me feel... as well as other reasons.

I like the idea of writing a gratitude list, I know I really am very lucky in a lot of ways to have the things I have, and I know others would be envious of some of the things I have. I just have to remind myself of that I guess.

I just really hate the jealous feeling as it eats me up inside and makes me miserable and it makes me want to avoid anything to do with that person which is not easy as they are connected with my family. It's not even their fault I feel this way and they are a nice person so that makes it worse. It's just yuck, I don't like it one bit, but I guess I have to try take control of the feeling and look at things differently.

I think everyone feel like this from time to time - I know I do but it's usually fleeting and over something stupid.

I agree that making a list is a great idea. For some reason seeing something in writing helps a lot.
Another thing I do which is probably a bit petty (but does help!) is finding something about me that I consider better than them. Then whenever I feel a twinge of jealousy I remind myself of the thing (or things) that I have better!

Jealousy. It's a totally normal emotion and in fact a healthy emotion. It's quite similar to envy, which is also fine, as long as it doesn't overtake you.

I certainly have my fair share of feeling envious or jealous of others. I live in a cheap, crappy, old piece of crap house, we have a 1996 car and most our furnishings are secondhand, as is much of our stuff. And we live in one of the upper class suburbs. So my older DD goes to school with lots of children whose parents I am envious of. Such as their great complexion, lovely clothes, slim bodies and nice new everything. What I don't envy is how busy they are and how little time they have to relax. They always seem to be go, go, go and I don't envy their children having a long list of extra curricular activities either. I think 1 extra curricular activity once is week is good, but these parents go overboard! I don't envy that many of them feel they need to out-do one another and I just LMAO at their status mobile(flashy cars) I think it's just too funny how they try and out-do one another with a newer, flashier car every new year. They all actually seem rather stressed. But yeah, I do envy the odd thing about their lives.

Sometimes I just envy people who are married, with kids of their own. I feel a bit out of place with my family, being neither engaged or married and having 1 child from a previous relationship, who has developmental delays to make life harder and one to my current DP.

I envy parents who can keep their cool in public. Mind you, it's usually because their kids appear to have the behaving in public etiquette down and sorted I think.

I think envy/jealous actually as I think someone else said, makes us strive for better things, and want more. So I think it can be a great tool in our self-improvement.

I think as women, it's something we struggle with more then men. I find the media/society actually helps make us feel more inadequate and all those trashy magazines, well I know they do not help! If you think about it, what the media is saying/portraying, is that as women and parents we should have all this to be happy: clear complexion, size 8 body, tanned, toned, rich, owning a big home, no debt, have a significant social network, wear the latest fashion, have the latest everything, have a perfectly behaved child/baby/toddler, have an emotionally available husband(who is still masculine, but is also metro-sexual in his style), we should be carefree and always smiling, we should have a positive attitude, we should get back to a size 8-10 soon after giving birth, we should be natural mothers and life should be easy. Now, is this reality?.... Hell no!

But think about it. We are sold, on a regular basis and for most of our lives from birth to death, this ideal of what happiness is. It's not surprising we feel a tinge of envy or jealousy when others appear to have much of these ingredients for happiness and we don't.

Oh damn, sorry! That was a long post! I've been stuck at home with little socialization for weeks, so I've got a lot to say LOL!

Edited by escadachic