wanna-be ’old’ mum under pressure!

If it were me I would try for the baby. I guess tho it would depend on the chances of you happily staying together and of how amicable your separation could be. If its a matter of growing apart then there's no reason why the baby wouldn't be loved the same amount anyway

Edited by amcham

Bubbles I feel like that and I'm 34 coming up to 35 this year and feel like its make or break time, I am ready to have children and am about to be married and like you I waited until I was in a stable relationship I didn't meet DF until I was 27 so no chance of having children any earlier.

My best advise is to discuss having children with your husband and what impact this would have on your relationship.

Both DF and I have decided that we don't want to get to 40 and not have kids, its just a matter of where in between then we start.

It might sound a bit silly, but some of the best advice I could find was Dr Phils. He has a couple of questionnaires on his website that you could look at because they make you think about things maybe differently.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/27
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/96

Actually I should just copy them here.

Should You Have A Baby?
It's one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. And sometimes, spouses don't see eye to eye on the matter. Ideally, you should talk to your partner about having children before marriage. If you're already in a committed lifelong relationship and debating whether or not to become parents, Dr. Phil offers the following discussion points.

# Consider the statistics: The reality of 3 a.m. feedings, changing 10,000 diapers and the fact that a baby born in 2002 will cost $250,000 by age 18! Are you ready to sign up for this?

# A child should be wanted, not needed. Don't give a child a job before they're even here — the job of saving your marriage, of making your spouse settle down, of living out your unfulfilled dreams, etc.

# Remember that everyone loves puppies, but they do become dogs! Likewise, adorable babies do become teenagers. Make sure that you're not fixated on the infancy stage of a child's life and are in it for the long haul.

# Keep in mind that if you're happy with your home life as it is, a new addition may disrupt the balance. You have a responsibility to keep the family healthy and intact for the kids you already have, and not strain it by having another if it will threaten your marriage or family.

# In order to have a baby, it takes a yes from two people. But it only takes a no from one person to stop it. Both of you need to be comfortable with having a child. Don't force your partner into parenthood. It could lead to resentment, threaten your relationship and be bad for the child.

# If one of you wants to have a baby and the other one is concerned about the financial demands, ask yourselves if you are willing to downgrade your lifestyle in order to afford a child. If so, negotiate a budget that makes both of you comfortable.

# If you're in disagreement, ask yourself whether the problem is not that you're not getting an answer, but that you're not getting the answer you want. Could you not be hearing your partner's differing opinion? Or could you not be hearing that your partner is not committed to you?

# Don't feel guilty if the desire to have a baby isn't there. A lot of women think there's something wrong with them if they don't want to have a family. There isn't.

# This is a big commitment. If the decision to have a child is a close call, don't do it. No matter how much you estimate what the sacrifices and demands will be, you're not even close.

# Life is about choices. You choose your behavior, and therefore you choose your consequences. Don't choose the behavior if you can't deal with the consequences. Babies are a lot easier to make than they are to raise.


Questions Your Unborn Child Might Ask
Wondering if you're ready to have a baby? There are many questions that couples need to ask themselves before becoming parents. Ever wonder what your unborn child might want to ask? Dr. Phil provides some questions from the unborn child's point of view.

# What is your motive? Why do you want to have me?

# Look at your answers. Are they all about satisfying your needs? Or do they take my needs into account?

# Why would I want to be in your family?

# Do you want to have me just so that you can give me a job — to save your marriage, make your spouse settle down, or have someone who will love you, etc.? Do you think it's fair to give me a job before I'm even born?

# Does my other parent want me as much as you do? Or am I going to strain the family in a way that will make you regret having me? Will you resent your spouse for having me?

# What are your qualifications? Are you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually stable enough to have me?

# Is the family already struggling to provide the emotional and financial needs of the children who are already here? Would I diminish the quality of life for them?

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Edited by bubbles

LOL Bubbles no body has enough.
All that matters is that you are having enough for the both of you.

I have wondered how we will get on TTC when we sometimes go weeks even months without any BDing. Sorry TMI.

Itchyfeet I was able to answer all those questions and yes fully ready and willing to become a mum and I'm not at all deluded as to what it entails.

Thanks to places like OhBaby!!

linda - that sounds pretty much like my life lol.  I met Karl when I was 29, but before then I had made 2 decisions 1: If I was in a committed relationship I wanted to be married before I had children. 2: Although it sounds conflicting - If I had got to the age of 35 and not in a relationship I was moving back to nz to have a baby, back here as that is where my family is. 

I had had the oppertunity to have a baby before then but it wasn't the right time & I was in absolutly no situation to bring a child into the world - I was barely scraping thru life at the time without putting another life in the same circumstances.   After I had been seeing karl for approx 18mths I gave him a choice, told him there was 3 things I wanted and if he wasnt happy to provide anyone of those things he had 3 or 4 months to move out.  They were I wanted to move back to nz, I wanted to get married & wanted to have children.  After 7mths he was still there so I asked him to marry me & we went from there - if I had waited for him we would still be seeing each other.  As for the sex thing - I sometimes struggle to remember what it is lol - yes we have our moments but we seem to just fit together as a couple whether there is sex or not.  My 2 girls were very well planned eg I had to plan the right day of the month to BD otherwise it was another month gone haha.  Between conceiving our 1st & our 2nd we had sex a total of 3 times in 19 mths   & 1 of them was after we had been in seperate countries for 3wks & it hasnt been much different up till we started trying for #3 but the sex - or lack of- isnt an issue in our relationship.  Sorry got a bit off track there but  I hope that made sense

If you can see yourself with children - with or without a husband and giving your life to supporting, teaching and loving your child/ren then I would say go for it

If you are waiting for the right/perfect time it will never happen as there will always be something to make you question your decision as that is part of life - if everything was mapped out for us without any challenges then what would we be working towards? It would just be an existance not a life.

In my opinion I think the final decision is yours (i know it takes 2 to make a child), you have to want this for you & your child at the risk of dh changing his mind at anytime cause it is far eaiser for a man to break ties than for a mum to walk away from their child by choice

Good luck with your decision

Thank you everyone. Thank you jenz, yummymummy, kezplanet, and linda, for your personal stories. This is so very touching to (finaly) get some useful outside advice. Jenz said "I think you are far more likely to regret not having a child than regret having one" and thats the truth.

lol seems I'm the only one who thinks differently:) the joys of being on an open forum.. i totally understand about not having had any baibes by 40 but it just worries me that you are in a rickety relationship as you put it.. but i guess if you are both sure you would be great parents anyway I don't suppose it matters.. I guess I've just seen the impact pregnancy has on an unstable relationship...

but best of luck to you if you decide to go ahead I hope you get pregnant very quickly and it goes very well for you:)

I'm not implying in any way at all that single mums and dads are any better or worse at bringing up babies.. i didnt mean to imply that..its just she states she wanted children in a happy and stable relationship..