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amme_eilyk 
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 Topic: Setting boundaries with MIL
Posted: 26 July 2010 at 1:01pm |
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I have had a lot of problems with my mil in the 3yrs since I got engaged and things are now at the point where I dont speak to her, and most thoughts of interaction with her give me panic attacks.
With our first baby on the way DH and I need to come up with a way to manage this. I still do not want to have any contact with her, but I know this will not be possible so I need as little contact with her at the start. However, I dont want our baby to miss out on his grandparents because of my issues with my mil. Currently I am planning on DH taking baby to see them and if they come round going out for a break.
Does anyone have any ideas?
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caliandjack
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Posted: 26 July 2010 at 1:27pm |
Not sure how to help with your MIL, as for your kid missing out they won't.
My Mum never had a good relationship with her MIL and us kids hardly ever saw them, only Christmas time, they always missed birthday etc. They lived in the same city so it wasn't like they couldn't come and see us.
I never felt like I missed out, my other grandparents more than made up for it.
We would on occassion go with Dad to see them, they never came to our place anyways.
Kids don't miss out on what they've never had or known.
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  [/url] Angel June 2012
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jazzy
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Posted: 26 July 2010 at 2:08pm |
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It sounds like your DH is supporting with the MIL issues. Any way he can talk to her or tell her what is going expectable?
If you can not face or tolerate seeing her when baby is born then get DH to visit them with baby when it suits you.
I fall out with my MIL from time to time, but won't let that effect my kids as they are the only grandparents & the kids love then to bits.
I think some times you need to let go of things so they don't eat you up...but with saying that I don't know what she has done & may very well change my mind if I know & cut all contact.
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pumpkino
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Posted: 26 July 2010 at 2:11pm |
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I personally would want to give it a go, in the hopes that your child can have a relationship with all its grandparents. If it doesn't work out then at least you can say you tried.
Getting your OH to take the baby to see them or going out when they come over is a good idea - you never know, the arrival of a baby might be an opportunity to start afresh?
Having said all that, I used to get on great with my MIL but have been having some issues since our baby arrived. She just seems to need to tell me what to do all the time and treats me a bit like a child which I find really irritating. So be aware that the addition of a baby can also be a stressor - I agree with you that at the start at least you should avoid being there and then if all goes well you could maybe visit too.
It all really depends on the reasons why you and your MIL don't get on eg if it's because she's an alcoholic or something then you would have good grounds for not wanting your baby in contact with her! But if it's more of a personality clash then I say give it a go - the more babysitters on hand the merrier!!
Good luck whatever you decide :)
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LJsmum
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Posted: 27 July 2010 at 11:48am |
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Does your mother in law want to be involved in your babies life? I know that sounds terrible but we just assume that paretns or in laws want to be involved/ look after / visit their grandkids?
has your Dh asked her?
I would try to tolerate treat it like a challenge. it is hard though. Especially if she has some something to upset you.
I find the lack of involvement/ support from my mum very difficult, but put that aside so we can visit and my children can have a relationship with her.
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millymollymandy
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Posted: 27 July 2010 at 3:54pm |
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Personally I reckon its important to try and get a relationship going. Gosh we only have grandparents for a short time and if they want to be involved then that's wonderfull.
What I'd do is get DH to have a talk with them about how you want to raise you baby things like where it sleeps, how you respond to it, feeding, appropriate clothes toys etc. You tell them that you understand that it may not be how they would do it and they need to let the two of you work things out for yourselves (and I'd acknolwedge that yes you'll make mistakes but they are you mistakes to make). Set clear guidelines about things like visiting i.e. drop ins OK or ring first.
I have been really lucky my MIL is fabulous. I know there are some decisions that she doesn't fully support, but she doesn't comment unless asked to. Same with my Mum too. And both of them have a strong bond with DD and have shown me the odd trick or two.
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Kazper
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 8:47am |
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I think every situation with MILs are different. A lot of people don't get along with their MILs but then there are certain situations where it is beyond that.
My situation is beyond that. MIL cannot have any contact with my daughter and if she ever turned up at my house I would lock all windows and doors. Again mine is an exception as she really has lost the plot and said and done things to me you wouldn't dream of.
I don't know what your situation is, but I hate when people tell me that my child is missing out. She is not missing out. She has so much love and support from my family and DH and she has two loving parents.
My DH fully supports me and has had no contact with MIL himself until she apologises for her behavior and makes a mends. Our feeling is that if you cannot respect and be kind to the woman of your grandchild, then you do not deserve the relationship with grandchild.
She has now had no contact since my daughter was 2 months old and she is now coming up to 8 months. She has chosen her path and until she accepts her mistakes there will be no future contact either.
Edited by Kazper
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caliandjack
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 9:53am |
I agree with you Kazper, I never felt I missed out on having a relationship with my Dad's parents. From what I've heard as I've gotten older about how MIL treated my Mum, I think good on Mum for sticking to her guns, I agree if MIL can't show respect to you then why should they get to have a relationship with your children.
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[/url] Angel June 2012
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Bizzy
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 10:00am |
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i think unles she has physically harmed you you should just suck it up. Our kids learn from us and is this really how you want them to learn conflict resolution; by running away or giving it to someone else. You dont have to go overboard but it doesnt hurt to pretend to be polite to someone for a short while.
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Kazper
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 10:11am |
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Yes I agree Bizzy, but my MIL still would be nasty to me in front of my child. We know her best and if we let our daughter have a relationship with her, then MIL would not hesitate in saying horrible things about us to our daughter. So do we really want our daughter to be put in a position where she thinks mummy and daddy are bad people when they are not?
We are very good at letting certain things go, but there has to be a point when you need to stop and say enough is enough. We put up with very nasty nasty things for years and years, so where do you draw the line. All we did was put boundaries in place and she did not accept these boundaries. She still wanted things her way, so at the end of the day she did it to herself. We would never speak ill of anyone to our daughter, but I still am of the opinion that respect should be given. If MIL cannot learn to respect me and treat me with decency, it is her problem at the end of the day.
Again, every situation is completely different, but there has to be a line and mine was crossed big time. There is only so much you can suck it up!
If I found out that my mother's MIL had treated her with as much disrespect as I have received and if my mother put up with it, I would be appalled.
In respect to children growing up and learning that is how you deal with conflict, I think it is the opposite. I don't want my children growing up thinking that people can treat them that way and they have to deal with it. I want them to learn they have a worth and that boundaries are a good thing. You allow yourself to be hurt more if you don't set these things in place.
Edited by Kazper
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astral_monkey
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 10:47am |
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My grandmother was very unpleasant to Mum, before my sisters and I were even born. Mum is a strong person and put up with it for us and for Dad. I'm glad she did because it meant we got to have a relationship with my grandfather who I loved dearly. However, we also got to witness the way my grandmother treated Mum, and it didn't take us long to form our own opinions of her.
When my grandfather died, my grandmother became particularly nasty towards Mum and also did something to Dad (don't know exactly what, as he has never talked about it) and that was it.
In the following 8 years before she died I saw her twice, once was with Mum when we ran into her briefly at a shopping mall. The second time was when she was dying and a family friend brought her around to see Dad. She hadn't changed. None of us went to her funeral.
Your MIL might be a perfectly nice person, that has plenty of love to give your child (but for whatever reason has a personality clash with you). Minimize the time you spend with her, but don't intentionally exclude her from your childs life (it will only make things worse). Unless of course she ends up being like Kazpers MIL or my grandmother, then you need to protect your children.
No matter what you choose to do, in the end your kids will make their minds up for themselves.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 11:02am |
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kazper i certainly dont think you need to put up with nastiness.
astral monkey makes some good points.
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Kazper
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 11:35am |
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Yeh definitely some good points there astral monkey and like you said in your last point about protecting your children. It has definitely gotten to that point with us. We don't trust MIL with our daughter and it is unfortunate that it has gotten to that point.
One day our daughter will see first hand, which is a shame, but she will be able to make up her own mind then.
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Emmecat
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 12:46pm |
I have this same problem with my MIL and until she apologises for her disgraceful behaviour, I am very rarely letting Clodagh see her....I don't like doing that but she is also the sort who would say nasty things about me in front of my daughter  (I've heard her do this about my stepchildrens mother in front of them  ). Not that Clodagh would understand now but she will soon and I don't need her hearing crap like that.
However, should I change my mind and try to forgive her ( and I really am trying to do this ), I would be ok for her to have supervised access with my baby as long as DF is there as well. She's not a bad person but she can be an unkind and thoughtless one and, as my daughter already has 2 other sets of incrediably doting grandparents then the only things I can see her missing out on with MIL is a permanent carpark at McDonalds and the constant viewing of TV at every visit. I'm pretty sure she can live without both lol 
At the end of the day only you and DH know how good or bad an influence this person is going to have in your baby's life. I don't think blood is thicker than water and regardless of whether she is a good person at heart or not, surely we want to surround our babes with kind, positive people in the main...time enough later for the to deal with the rest! IMO 
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nathansmummy
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 6:48pm |
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I haven't read through all the responses but knowing you're in another forum for pre-natal depression (hope it's ok to say that here) and seeing that you have panic attacks - that is really important information! There is no way that you should "suck it up" or try to tolerate anything for anyone's sake. First and foremost, you must look after yourself. A lot of people do not understand panic attacks - having someone close to me who has them, I understand that they feel like impending doom - anxiety that is unbearable.
I think you need to set boundaries that take care of yourself as much as possible. If you want your kids to know their grandparents and for there to be contact between them, that is really commendable... but don't put yourself in a situation where you don't feel safe emotionally or psychologically.
Firstly, adopt some baby steps. Secondly, set boundaries.
Boundaries might be to protect your children, ie. that they only see the children/your baby on your terms. That might be that they never babysit them on their own for instance, I don't know. You might be ok with that - just thinking of an example - another boundary might be that they don't stay overnight there only during the day. Other boundaries might be to take care of yourself... such as you don't want them to come to the hospital, but you are happy for DH to take the baby up to see them for a half hour visit when newborn. That they see the baby once a month and then increase it if it goes well. That you go with your DH for a short visit and if that goes well, that they can visit you.
Start off with whatever it is you think you can cope with, and increase gradually on the condition that things go well. Get DH to communicate this to them, and explain that the stress of the relationship causes you great anxiety and that you need reassurance that things will go ok between you in order for them to be able to see the baby etc.
I am rambling and written this a bit in a hurry but I hope you catch my drift.
Above all, take care of yourself.
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Kazper
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Posted: 28 July 2010 at 7:00pm |
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Oh I think what nathansmummy is right on the ball. Great advice.
I think it is amazing that you want to set boundaries now before baby arrives and I wish I had done it earlier myself. It is always hard at first because MIL will have to learn to accept them, but if she wants to have a relationship with grandchild she will learn to accept them.
I have major panic/anxiety attacks when I see MIL. She works at our only local supermarket and my mother or friends have to do any day time shopping for me because I am fearful of running into her. I start to shake, sweat, can't think properly and almost cry. The woman literally frightens me.
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amme_eilyk
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Posted: 29 July 2010 at 9:30am |
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thanks everyone for your responses. I am completely fearful of running into my MIL or my two SIL and have even considered moving to somewhere else in the country to be further away from them. They are originally what set off my depression and anxiety 3 years ago and continue to be a major factor in it. To be completely honest I don't really want my MIL to have anything to do with the baby, but that is just my feeling based on my experience with her in the past few years. I also have concerns about her keeping to the boundaries as in the past she has broken every boundary dh and I set with her, but I have to give her a chance. Although she does tend to make some racist/antireligous comments and bitch about people behind their backs. I also know that the baby would not be in any danger being with her. DH still has a relationship with her and even though things are not quite the same as they once were. It is really important to him that the baby has a relationship with his family and I also feel that it is not fair to stop our child from having a relationship with them because I have problems with her(something she did with dh and sil). The boundaries are mostly about me being able to cope with her having time with our child and working out how that will happen, as I will be the primary caregiver. They are also about making their role clear and reassuring them they they will have the chance to be in the baby's life. Ideally I hope that with the boundaries and them being followed it will reach the point where I am able to invite them to the baby's first birthday/christmas etc.
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Kazper
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Posted: 29 July 2010 at 11:26am |
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Good luck amme_eilyk. We have considered moving towns because of my MIL. I really hope you can set those boundaries in place and I hope that your MIL will abide by them.
Your a strong woman that is for sure. Just make sure you do take care of yourself to. It is one thing going through anxiety etc because of things they do to you, but a lot harder once you have a child.
At the end of the day it is your choice and I hope your DH will support you no matter what the outcome!
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amme_eilyk
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Posted: 05 August 2010 at 1:15pm |
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dh and i sent an email the other night so I am now waiting for the backlash. dh wrote the email but i will get blamed for it. at least he was supporting me.
This is just a quick email to hopefully make clear a few things for the future, and perhaps explain some of the past.
We feel this is important, especially with our baby on the way. While it is not exactly as you would hope for, we hope you see this as progress and will be patient as things play out.
Neither of us want you to be excluded from our baby's life. It is important to us that you are involvled. You are and always will be the baby's grandparents, and we hope you enjoy this role in our baby's life. In respect to this we welcome you to visit us as you see fit - we just ask that you phone first. That way Kylie has the option of whether to be there or not.
Kylie is suffering from depression and anxiety resulting in panic attacks. The past couple of years have been a difficult time for us, her especially and we hope that you understand this. The previous confrontations and problems since we got engaged have played a large role in Kylie's depression and anxiety, and part of the condition means that they still seem recent and vivid - leaading to the panic attacks. Her condition has worsened since becoming pregnant due to a number of factors including her desire to have you in the baby's life while working around her current condition. This is why Kylie has left her job at Freedom. Kylie has been advised by medical professionals not to put herself in situations where these attacks will be triggered. Unfortunately this means that there may not be much contact as this is worked out. We don't know how long this will take and hope that you understand and respect this.
Hopefully this explains a few things for you and lets you know that we see you as a part of our baby's life.
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Setting boundaries with MIL
