How did you manage to convince him..?
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
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Topic: How did you manage to convince him..?
Posted By: surfergirl
Subject: How did you manage to convince him..?
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 11:51am
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Hello everyone,
This is my first post so excuse me if I break unwritten rules or cause offence. This post is in two parts as I have deliberated overnight as to whether I actually want to put this ‘out there’… but I do, so here goes… Part I (Written yesterday) From discussions with my friends and family it seems that (most) men are never ready to have a baby…this seems to be the case with my DH. We have been together for 8 years and will be married for 3 in March 08, which is when I would like to start TTC. The problem is he’s just not that keen. I’ve seen a friends marriage fall apart because of the stress placed on it due to the wife wanting (and having) babies and the DH just not being that into it. I’m not keen to go this alone, but I will be 30 when we start trying and although that’s not ‘old’ I have underlying health issues (cervical carcinoma in situ removed 5 years ago) so I’d like to get started soon-ish, and I feel for me the time is right (or as right as it’s ever going to get). How did you ladies manage to convince your DH/DP that the time was right? My greatest fear is that I’ll get pregnant, and though I doubt DH would ever actually leave, that he might…(does this make sense?) I know he fears that there will just be no time for him when the baby arrives – is this the case in reality, does he have a point? Part II (Written today) OK – I tried again last night to speak to DH about this. He was/is very reluctant to talk about it (quote – “ It’s a lot to get my head around”) and I see his point, no point talking about it if he’s not sure what he wants to say – he’s a long processor…he’s given me a commitment that we will talk about it next Thursday. So really there’s not much I can do until then… So really I’d just like to hear if others had this discussion with their partners and if there was a path towards resolution. Hope this is posted in the correct place. Thanks! |
Replies:
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 12:44pm
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Not sure how to answer your question but here is my situation.
DP and I are getting married in March, and he has always said he wants to be married before we have children. I turn 35 next June, and due to this I have said I will be stopping BCP, I feel that time has caught up with me and I simply can't leave it much longer. DP has always maintained he wants kids 'one day' he's more concerned about the responsibility of taking care of someone else, at the moment I take care of both of us. I have said I am aiming to be preggers by Xmas next year, DP takes a long time to decide things, so I figure if I give him a rough time frame, he can come to terms with it in his own time. Thankfully most of the guys he works with are now Dads and it wont come as too much of surprise when he becomes one too. I think my DP will be a great Dad, sometimes I feel I have to take the leap of faith for him. Good Luck. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 12:54pm
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I was in a similar situation to you and had it all planned in my head as to how it would work. DH was a bit like yours in that he wanted kids but kept stressing about the responsibility, money etc. I did keep pressuring him to talk for a while but in the end did what you did and set a day to talk about it. We then both said our pieces and in the end decided just to go for it and see what would happen as you have 9 months to sort it out. We got pregnant the first month trying (a mircle considering I have PCOS) which was prob a blessing as I think he would have run hot and cold and we would have been trying one month and then not the next etc.
Good Luck, it isn't easy but in the end they do come round as long as theres no pressure. Feel free to PM me if you need to. Edited: Also I posted about this under the same thing. Will bump it up for you as had some great ideas and thoughts. -------------  
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 12:59pm
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Thats a bit like my philosophy, will see what happens once we stop using contraceptive and let nature take its course, I don't want any pressure on myself or DP.
And I know that DF would never leave, he loves me and I am certain he would love any child of his. There are a couple of Dads on here, they do provide an interesting perspective. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 1:26pm
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You are right in that there is never a 'right' time to have a baby! Theres always something, like if we could just save up some more money, or pay off the car, or whatever. To be honest, once you get pregnant, things do tend to become all about you, the pg one, but for us that makes us a better team, working together to get things done etc. Once the baby is here, then it becomes all about them for a while, but if you take the right kind of attitude from the start and not totally devote yourself so much to the baby that you have nothing left for you DH, then your relationship will grow stronger as you watch this little person that you made together grow up.
One of the big issues for guys I think, is the financial responsibilty they inevitably feel. They tend to worry about having to provide for a family. And like you say they also worry that they won't be free and independent any more. They just dont seem to have that inbuilt desire/need for children that we do. Oh and they also worry about if they will be a good father or not, esp if they dont have a good relationship with their dad. You've done the right thing in setting a day to talk about it as it gives him the time to seriously mull it over. I am sure he will come around once he's had the time and heard from you without pressuring him. Good luck  Oh and welcome to Oh Baby!  ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 1:31pm
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Thanks for your replies guys...nice to know I am not alone.
I KNOW my DH would not leave, but I FEAR that he might...I know that sounds mad, I'm quite sane really!LOL! I have always spoken with DH about having kids...'one day' and always thought that after we were married that that day was getting closer, but it seems I may have been too vague. (Not usually one of my problems if you ask any of my friends!) I would love to see if some of the men on this forum have something to add, part of me feels this is a real Mars/Venus issue! |
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 1:34pm
| EDIT: Thanks for the bump Peanut. Lots of good advice there! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 2:00pm
Hi Surfergirl, I think you've done the right thing - brought up the subject and left it for him to think over because you guys talk it over again. I think guys do feel a huge weight of the responsibility of having children (whether it's the first or not), mine certainly does and that's just him, it's not that I'm irresponsible or anything! It's actually rather a special thing because it shows how much he wants to look after his family. My DH also needs a little while to process before a decision is made to TTC, and the same process again when we get our BFP  -------------  |
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 2:20pm
LOL Busymum - you mean we have to go thru all this again when/if we get a BFP...
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 2:44pm
| My DH freaked out at the money side of things. But like the others have said, there is never a perfect time and it's not like the baby just arrives in a couple of weeks.. there is months to get use to the idea. DH found it got easier as time went along. He even wrote an online diary for ohbaby detailing things that went on each week and his worries etc. He's said to me now that he was silly to worry so much because it doesn't even enter his mind anymore! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 4:53pm
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How do/did you explain to DP/DH why you want(ed) children?
I can't quite fathom it myself why it would give me great joy to be pregnant and become a mum. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 9:34pm
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Guys POV?
Happy to obligate. (i can't think of the proper spelling) Scared. It happens in all sorts of circumstances. It happened when I was getting married. We were going to premarital counseling. I stopped the car outside their house and turned to my wife-to-be. "I think we should call it off - I'm not ready and i am willing to postpone it until Im ready," - a month away from our wedding. After four years of courting. And seven years of friendship. The best thing she said was nothing. I was thinking about what I had said later that night and thought "If I'm not ready [to get married] now, when will I ever be ready?" I told her later that night on the way home and said I was wrong and we should carry on. It happened again when I came home one night and Teresa said "I've got a surprise for you" with that look of glee that you women have when you want to announce "a surprise." I guessed what that surprise was because her tummy had felt different (after about 2 weeks since conception - nothing had changed as far as I knew but something was different.) "You're pregnant" I said. "Howd you know??" and "Why didn't you tell me before?" after I explained the above. After she confirmed "that surprise" I was alternating between "I'm gonna be a DAD!" and Oh my God! I'm gonna be a Dad." For about 2 hours. And I couldn't sleep. The next couple of days was hard cause I kept thinking "how am I gonna support this new person??" - I wasn't eligible for the student allowance because of her income. The next nine months was freaky/cool/tiring/hard/fun/painful. We didn't know how to communicate properly with each other and it tested us. We weren't very open with each other but we were learning. One thing that helps from a guys perspective is commitment. I vowed I'll never leave her. I married for life - including hard times. And believe me. there have been some. Still are tests. Anyway, back to the guys insight. I liked what BellaBabysMum had to say. She's right on the button when she said "there's no 'right' time to have a baby." It's about control. Guys get insecure when they feel "out of control." It's not supposed to be a bad "control" thing, it's partly how we're wired i think - but some guys take the control thing too far (im thinking abuse, manipulation, and getting our own way here.) There's no "right" time to have a baby because everything changes. Everything changed for me when I actually held Hannah for the first time. I was there when she was born. I saw the struggle Teresa went through. She had to have an emergency caesarian because things weren't going well. Lost 800mls of blood I was told later. All i saw was the puddle of blood. Then I actually started thinking I could lose both, mum and baby. When they wheeled Teresa away, and asked me to get dressed for the Op room, i did - in shock i think. I sat down in the waiting room and just started crying. I had no control over this situation and there was nothing i could do to help Teresa. I prayed and asked God to do something, because I couldn't help in any way. I felt His presence enter that hospital right then and felt His comfort. I got the impression He said "It's going to be alright. Be at peace." I started feeling calmer, and then the Doc walked in and took me to Teresa. they did the Op and it was an amazing experience to be there watching Hannah being brought into the world. Obviously, that story turned out well. But it was certainly freaky. I felt fear again when much later, Teresa started talking about wanting another baby again. I was like, cold sweats and "what if's?" etc... And again about our third kid. One thing I've learned and am still learning is that "what if's" and fear often stops us guys from doing things. What if people laugh? what if I can't manage? How the hell am I going to support this person? And sometimes it's just plain selfishness (NO! I Like my mates and my games and my pub time and my sports! Why would I want to be "Ball-and-chained???") But what we don't realise is that kids:
Feeling scared and out of control are big things for guys. How did Teresa convince me that having babies are a good idea? She didn't try to. She let me have time to come to terms that "my life is going to be different, I don't know, but I'm willing to step up." And what I've found is a life that is so different to what i expected, I wouldn't have chosen it, but I wouldn't want it any other way. One thing that women try to do is control the guys. Wont work ladies. If you come across a guy that has some backbone, all the attempts at "convincing" or "talking to" or stuff like that can and usually does get taken by the guy as trying to control him, or nagging and just turns him off. Especially about babies. The best thing you can do is give him time to think. Give him space to breath. Don't hold him so tight he feels like a squished teddy bear with his eyes popping out. I don't really know how to finish this cuz this is one of the biggest posts I have EVER posted. I guess, if you really want a better insight into how guys think (generally speaking) go get a book called Men are Clams, Women are Crowbars by Dr David Clarke. He nailed it I think. I hope that helps a little. Cuz now I'm thirsty and need a beer. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980 
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Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 27 July 2007 at 9:35pm
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Oh and welcome to the forums. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 29 July 2007 at 9:47pm
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Wow, Chovynz - Thank you! That is the most amazing post. It has really helped me understand how DH might feel and how it might be just a part of the journey we are on, not the whole thing...Thank you so much for your honesty - your wife is one lucky lady!
Thanks all for the welcome and responses...I will come back on and update you all as to the outcome on Thursday night, and until then continue to lurk... You've all set my mind at ease and given me some useful things to think about. |
Posted By: Helen21
Date Posted: 01 August 2007 at 4:11pm
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I think that it's a bit hard for some men to agree to more than one thing at a time, we may ask "should we have a baby?" and if we could just pop down to the corner shop and get one it wouldn't so bad, but instead they hear us asking for conception, pregnancy, pain, child birth, caring for a human, sleepless nights.
So they worry about not being able to give us a baby in the first place and then a role reversal where they have to care for us and cater to our every whim before watching us go through the pain of child birth when all they want to to is protect us and instead they are helpless before being faced with the challange of becoming a father. Not to mention all the emotion that goes with it. Anyway that's just my point of view. Maybe instead of asking "should we have a baby?" "should we stop using contraception?" might be easier for him to deal with so he can just take it one step at a time. It sounds a little cavemanish but that the conclusion my husband helped me come to. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 04 August 2007 at 8:18pm
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Hi E! Just seen this post, nice to see you finally posting chick!
With us, I laid down my position: yes I am young (21) but had a few things already so had been told it could take a while. The clincher for DH was discussing that and thinking of the worst case scenario: if we couldn't get pg naturally, couldn't do it through drugs or IVF, how long would it take for our own child to come or to adopt? We erred on the side of caution and thought max 4-5 years if EVERYTHING went wrong and decided that for what we wanted, that was too late to start having our first one. So maybe just sitting your hubby down and making it clear what your condition is - men are usually pretty blind to how distressing reproductive issues etc are. Good luck for your talk and let us know how it goes. P.S. Please feel free to PM me any time to blow off steam etc. |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 11:40am
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Like Fleury, I'd be curious to hear how/if you explain why you want to have kids too?
I'm starting to find myself somewhat clucky, but finding it hard to explain why. Especially as sensible me knows that its very inconvenient to feel this way, given if we wait another 18 months or so before TTC, then my career will basically be set up for life. DH is being awfully sweet about it, telling me that I'm allowed to be clucky and he thinks its really cute (and if its what I really want, then we can do it now, even though its more sensible to wait - he knows i'm always sensible and will say, no, we'll wait... be interesting to see his response if I said, ok, now!). But anyway... I don't have any known fertility issues, and looking at my family, am unlikely to have any, so thats not really a reason. None of my friends are even remotely close to clucky, so its not from them! So what is it? I'd really like to hear how/if you ladies explained/justified wanting to have a baby? Was it a sudden change for you, or something that came about gradually? Sorry for the long post - as you can tell I'm a bit confused about things, and it would really help to get other people's experiences. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 12:04pm
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I have trouble explaining to DP when all he can see if the cost. Ie loss of income, another person to provide for, dirty nappies, sleepless night, me getting fat.
All that is true to some extent, and yeah if I looked at it sensibily and rationally, I don't think anyone would ever have children. While I enjoy my work, at the end of the day I know I will get far more satisfaction out of being a great mum than the best professional in my field. The monetary and material rewards are probably less, when I see my nieces and my friends children I can't wait to be there myself. I don't have any fertility issues either, although age is creeping up on me. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Leelee
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 12:45pm
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I am the same as you Fleur, all Df sees in the $$$ involved. We did have a talk over the weekend and DF told me he is absolutely scared about becoming a Dad, he is scared that he is not man enough to take care of someone that is so dependant on him, he is scared that he wont be a good dad and he wont know what to do. It is good to know where he is coming from now, but he did say that he cant wait. So I guess all he needs is some time to adjust to the idea. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 3:29pm
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Ok - time for an update from me - sorry! Well, we have had a bad week with in-law issues, so this 'talk' has been put off...at this stage until (this) Tuesday...
In reply to the other stuff...like how did I explain why etc I want to have babies...I haven't. Because I can't. Just slowly, slowly I have felt the desire to be a mum...which is quite funny really cos I don't like babies that much, but I love kids. But anyhow, for me it was a slow realization that now was as good a time as any, and that all the reasons for NOT doing it, were really all a bit selfish (and could be accommodated with some creative thinking!) i.e. overseas holidays, meals out, copious amounts of wine...and also for me the big thing that made it click we that if I got 'accidentally' preggers, it would not be the end of the world! (Where as a year or so ago I would have thought it was the worst possible thing) Hope that waffle helps someone! and Hi to you too Emz!! |
Posted By: ffudehtpu
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 5:08pm
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Hi Surfergirl My DH was slow in the proposal area, it wasn't until i was about 29 and i laid out the timeline to him as i saw it, with him geting to select the start date. I did not want kids before wedding, he really wanted kids but wanted wedding two, but his thinking was yeah we'll get married someday. My percieved timeline went, get engaged, about a year later get married, 6 - 12 months to concieve first baby, 9 moths pregnancy, baby. DH relised that we were getting old and he had never though of the time it would all take (i think he hough that he would propose and within a year we would be married with a baby). He proposed about 5 months later with a ring he had designed himself. The advantage i had was that he really wants kids and knew he wanted to marry me but just liked that everything was really cool as it was. the irony is that when we started trying i was the one that was not ready, i wanted kids but was not sure i wanted all the changes, cos our life is pretty cool. We got pregnant in our second month of no contraception (that for us consitiuted trying). For that i am consideing myself very lucky. so basically i laid out whre i was at and how i was thinking and then left it to him, no pressure ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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