He said no...
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=6371
Printed Date: 17 August 2025 at 3:45am
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Topic: He said no...
Posted By: emz
Subject: He said no...
Date Posted: 26 March 2007 at 5:37pm
Ok, DH and I decided last year that after March, we would be TTC. Well, last night (the night before my birthday  He decided to drop the bombshell that he doesn't think we're financially ready. Well that's just great because now I have to completely change my study/working plans and all I hear from my family is "when's the baby shower?!" Someone said it to me today and I almost cried, because it means so much to me to be a mother (after always being told I probably wouldn't have kids).
Other than explaining to him that we can actually afford it with a few simple adjustments, what can I do? It's so sad that one person can just decide the fate of the next few years without consulting their wife! 
Don't get me wrong, I love my DH to bits, but the doc (and me) wants me to have kids by mid-20's so I can have a hysto. I'm 21 now, and if we have to go through IVF or something (who knows, but you've got to have a contingency plan), I could be 30 by the time I have kids. That would be my worst nightmare! Any advice, words of encouragement? Thanks 
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Replies:
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 26 March 2007 at 8:54pm
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Have you explained the problems that you face with TTC? Has he taken into account it takes 9 months for the baby to arrive so thats the AT LEAST that you would need to be financially ready? If you have fertility problems which it sounds like you do there isnt really any time to wait.
Most of the time the men use the money excuse if they are actually scared of having a baby. Maybe you both need to sit down and have a really really really good talk and maybe come to some kind of compromise. Im not overly much help coz when my DH said that to me i was mean and said that if i had of known he didnt want kids early like i said i had of i wouldnt have married him. That got him into shape quickly and you know what? He doesnt regret it one bit! Im so sorry that your going through this you so dont need it but we are all here to help you and for you to rant to us
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 26 March 2007 at 8:54pm
| PS Happy Birthday Chicka i hope you still managed to have a good day! |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 26 March 2007 at 8:57pm
Awww I feel for ya but don't have any advice I'm sorry  ... I just know that guys find it really daunting to have the prospect of someone so dependent.
Do you have fertility issues or were you just concerned that you might have? Some women get pg quite quickly but it sounds like you might have had Endo or something and a Doc's advice. -------------  |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 8:29am
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Hey There,
I can fully understand where you are comming from and posted the same thing about 2 weeks ago and got some great advice. I can also say that we are now actively TTC. The post was called - TTC and Partners and I will bump it up for you. Good Luck and hang in there. |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 8:31am
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It's so hard when you have decided that the time is right but your DH doesn't agree. To be fair, I think that for a man, the weight of the financial responsibility tends to weigh heavily, as I believe they think it is primarily their responsibility. As Jess says, you do have nine months to prepare once pregnant - but that doesn't always work out if you are really sick, need bedrest or have a premmie baby. Finances are not the be all and end all, but I guess the more secure you are, the more choices you will have with regards to being able to choose whether to be a stay at home Mum (or not) and when to extend your family further.
I would get your DH to define what he means by 'financially ready'. Otherwise there is no finite timeframe to work to, which would make it difficult for you as I know for me I need to know exactly 'when' things will happen! Good luck, I hope you get it sorted. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Deez
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 9:08am
I totally agree with that statement. JK and i have been through some ups and downs financially but 8 months on and we have finally got things sorted....In saying that there is never a right time financially to have a baby people just adjust their spending habbits. Good luck i hope you are able to have a bubba soon.... -------------  
Lycan and Peyton = Moon and back!! |
Lulu wrote:Posted By: Skyflame
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 1:16pm
| I agree Deez. There never is going to be the perfect financial situation (unless you win big in lotto) to start a family but you need to work things out as to whether you could adjust. It can be very daunting for men to think about having to change their finicial habits to support a family and also whether they are even ready. I think you both need to have a big talk about your fears and decide whether now is really right for you, or set goals for when you are aiming for. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 1:47pm
| I agree with Skyflame, I doubt you will ever be in the perfect financial situation. DH wanted to save for a while before we had kids but reality is that we would have found something else to spend that money on. If he wants to wait for the perfect financial situation he will be waiting forever, there will always be something that comes up. |
Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 1:53pm
| Ditto, This was our thinking too and 5 years down the track waiting to be more financial ready, we are absolutely no better off. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time for nothing now. Still might pay to check with your DH to make sure that it is the financial aspect worrying him. He may be worried about other things and using money as the easy cover. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 3:13pm
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Don't forget if you are on a low-mid income you will be entitled to Family Support (AKA Family Tax Credit) once you have a baby. There are calculators on http://www.ird.govt.nz - IRD's website . ------------- |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 5:27pm
| There is also lots of ways to save money on the costs of having a child, like going cloth rather than disposable etc |
Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 5:31pm
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Well from a guys POV, it is scary.
Both to get married or to have kids. I'd say he's got cold feet. But, realise that he's probably been thinking about it all this time. Often us guys will have thought about it 95%, decided, then we talk about it only 1-5% if that makes any sense. Unlike you women who talk about it 80-95% & decide while you're talking.
I'd gently guide him through how you can financially support another child. He'll probably change his mind about kids once he's got one. Hope this helps. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 5:59pm
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Thanks for everyone's replies!
Well, DH and I talked last night. I have PCOS and a prostratic something or rather (ie. I have labour contractions constantly and the blood supply to my uterus cuts off - possible m/c chances), so I laid down to him all my career and baby options, as that really affects me (the career, that is) more than him. He all of a sudden said, "right then, we better get on with it!" So, we are officially TTC as of last night! 
I worked out our finances and we worked out that we won't be any worse off, so that's a plus. Thanks so much for all of your help, I was so upset, now I'm just beaming! |
Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 6:05pm
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Oh thats great to hear Emz, sending you lots of "baby thoughts"!!
PS I remember you from NZWP, I had the same forum name over there too! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 6:43pm
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Thats awesome news chicka im glad you were able to talk to him about it and came out with an awesome conclusion! Good luck TTC and make sure you join us in the waiting to ovulate and 2 week wait threads
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Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 6:52pm
Yay Emz, that's great news. With those conditions it would be better to start as soon as possible and I'm glad you worked it out. Good luck to you both 
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Posted By: lil_miss
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 7:44pm
| All the best Emma :) |
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 8:22pm
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Yay great outcome emz how exciting! good luck and sending you lots of baby dust!
As Jess said come over to the waiting to ovulate and 2ww threads see you there
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 8:30pm
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Wow what a quick turn around! I'm glad you'll be able to try for a baby Now here's hoping for a quick BFP and safe pregnancy! ------------- |
Posted By: tropics
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 8:30pm
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Good stuff Emz All the best!
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Posted By: Skyflame
Date Posted: 27 March 2007 at 11:25pm
| I am glad that you managed to talk it all out and sort out a solution. All the best for TTC and hopefully we will hear you are preggers before to long. |
Posted By: LuluBelle85
Date Posted: 29 March 2007 at 3:08pm
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Awesome news chick!
Are you in Chch? |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 29 March 2007 at 5:15pm
| Yea, we are. Are you too? I love your weightloss ticker, what a positive encouragement for you (and for others!) |
Posted By: LuluBelle85
Date Posted: 30 March 2007 at 8:26am
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Hehe thanks!
Yeah I just moved to chch a couple of months ago. 
I have PCOS too
Hubby and I have been ttc for about 18 months (I'm almost 22) Thanks for the comment about the ticker 
Where in chch are you? |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 30 March 2007 at 1:30pm
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I'm glad its all working out for you - did you see the feature on Campbell Live about how women are "ready" earlier than men?
But this was telling men that they have a body clock too, and that their "boys" aren't as effective as they get older - and the doctor pretty much said that if someone is in a relationship, they should have babies early on rather than later! Interesting watching... |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 30 March 2007 at 3:40pm
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No, I didn't see it, imagine how many babies will be conceived soon with some couples starting to freak out!
Lou, in Hoon Hay now, was out in Burnham for a couple of years. |
Posted By: LuluBelle85
Date Posted: 30 March 2007 at 4:13pm
| I'm in the Opawa/Woolston area |
Posted By: LuluBelle85
Date Posted: 30 March 2007 at 4:14pm
| Anyhoo, good luck with your TTCing! |