Feeling let down by friends
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=43220
Printed Date: 01 July 2025 at 7:58pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Feeling let down by friends
Posted By: tan73
Subject: Feeling let down by friends
Date Posted: 20 April 2013 at 12:50pm
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I had my second miscarriage nearly 4 weeks ago. With my first miscarriage, my close friends were all away either overseas or in other parts of the country. I really missed their physical presence, thinking if they were here they'd be round lots, and giving lots of hugs and spending time with me. This time, we now all live in the same city and I think I have seen them twice since this miscarriage. I am hurt that they haven't bothered to check in on me more and be there for me. Today one of my friends cancelled a cafe date because she was tired. I haven't seen her for 3 weeks and I was really looking forward to seeing her. I guess it's the straw that broke the camels back but I am so hurt and upset that she doesn't think I might need her friendship right now. In my mind, the rest of my absent friends are copping it too! I know they all have their own lives etc, but surely they would have the foresight to recognise when a friend needed them? Maybe not. Anyway, what to do? Do I let them know how I am feeling? DH says now is not the right time as I am emotionally fueled. He says I should just make the moves to invite them out more etc., but I feel it's not up to me and I have done my fair share of this anyway. I want to tell them how it is for me, but I don't want to offend or cause rifts. Any ideas? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  2 Angels - Aug '12 & Mar '13 Always in our hearts. |
Replies:
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 21 April 2013 at 12:40pm
Oooooh, I imagine you fel very lonely and hurt  . I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. Of all the times in your life, this would be one of the ones when you'd need a shoulder to cry on the most. For what it's worth, I've had a similar experience on the other side of the fence. A friend who was struggling with infertility withdrew herself from me, and I tried to give her what I thought she wanted, which was a little space to deal with the grief and struggles which come with infertility. I found it hard to have lots of contact with friends with small children while going through the same process myself, and thought that was the right thing to do. Turns out she was feeling similar to you and was very hurt when I gave her the space I thought she wanted. In my case, I wish she'd sent me a message saying something along the lines of 'I'm struggling. I'd love someone to talk to.' I would have been in there like a shot. Perhaps you could say something similar to your friends? 'I'm finding life really hard right now. Losing my baby has really got me down and I need a shoulder to cry on. Can we do coffee?' If they're good friends, they'll leap to it - they might not be sure what you need right now, and unsure how to show how much they care. Or perhaps they haven't been through the experience, and don't realise how much agony you'll be in right now, and need you to let them know. Biiiiig hugs. I really feel for you xxx -------------   
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Posted By: Buntingsmum
Date Posted: 21 April 2013 at 8:25pm
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Tan, I am really sorry for your losses. Do your friends have children themselves? My SIL had multiple miscarriages and I've known about some that close friends had. I am embarrassed to admit that I never understood the wonderment of being pregnant or the excitement about being pregnant until I was myself. Only then did I realise how awful it must have been for my friends/SIL. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure they will be feeling for you but may not be able to fully understand how much you are hurting if they've never been pregnant. I agree with Hopes - a little message to say 'I need you'. I'm sure they'd be gutted to understand how you feel. Be kind to yourself. ------------- [URL=http://lilypie.com][IMG]http://lb2m.lilypie.com/OCHup13.png][/URL] [URL=http://lilypie.com][IMG]http://lmtm.lilypie.com/sz8Fp12.png][/URL] |
Posted By: MandzG
Date Posted: 22 April 2013 at 9:59am
| HI Tan. I agree with the other ladies in that you need to reach out and let your friends know you need them. I think it is really hard for people to understand the loss of a baby until you experience it yourself. I also lost two babies - the first one was a 16 weeks and friends were really great, they sent care packages and flowers and looked after me. I then lost another one about 3 months later (at about 9 weeks) and it almost got brushed off. The thing was that this time i was dealing with the double loss and actually a lot worse emotionally. It took tears at a cafe for my friends to realize i actually needed more support. From then on if friends or family asked me how i was i actually said - i am not coping that well! tough to admit but it helped alot. Hang in there xxx |
Posted By: tan73
Date Posted: 24 April 2013 at 9:08pm
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Thanks ladies - all good advice. It is really hard to reach out when you're hurting - fear of rejection I guess. I will see how it all goes and find a time when it can be brought up easily and not confrontationally. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 2 Angels - Aug '12 & Mar '13 Always in our hearts. |
Posted By: Pitter patter
Date Posted: 24 April 2013 at 10:07pm
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Hi Tan,I don't really have anything to add but big hugs to you xx -------------  TTC number 2 since April 2011 MC Nov 12 Formally Mamma2one |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 27 April 2013 at 4:07pm
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Yes... I can see how it would be very hard to say 'I'm hurting. I need you'. I struggle with that at the best of times, and this is one of the worst. Big hugs. I hope whatever you do goes well for you. -------------
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Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 28 April 2013 at 9:41am
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Tan Im so sorry for your losses. It must be so hard for you and yes the love and company of your friends would be great for you at this time. Im disappointed in them. When a friend of mine had a miscarriage recently I went around there with chocolates and magazines for her to try and relax with. But then I have a child so I can imagine the great loss it would be whereas maybe before I had my DS I'd be a bit more factual and non emotional about it? Im not sure. They may be staying away as they don't know what to say or they feel you want to be left alone? Some people can feel awkward in difficult situations. I think that when you're feeling a little bit stronger you should send a text saying that you really feel like a girls coffee date for dinner out and say you've had a hard time and need some smiles with the girls. Good luck with your journey and I hope your friends help you out soon. |