Stay home mum?
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Forum Name: General Chat
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Topic: Stay home mum?
Posted By: Mattsmum
Subject: Stay home mum?
Date Posted: 09 March 2012 at 9:43pm
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I feel like a spoilt brat posting this but.... I am a stay home mum with two preschoolers - I worked when DS was a baby and was really stressed and he got sick all the time. DD has health issues and the costs of daycare for two is so much it is barely worth working, and we have no local family that could care for the kids if they got sick so I would probably end up having to take loads of days off.
Fundementally I believe it is good for bonding with the children for me to be home with them but I sometimes get really bored and feel like my qualifications are going to waste. Does anyone else feel like this or am I just being cranky  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 09 March 2012 at 11:25pm
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I feel liek that sometimes too, and we are in the same situation with no family, but I have number three on the way so there will be sometime before I can go back to work so I might as well suck it up and get on with it ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: Casablanca
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 7:02am
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I get a bit bored at home too, I only have 1 baby to deal with though and another one on the way. We have different activities to go to every day of the week - without that I think I would go mad hanging around the house all the time! In saying that I would never swap being a SAHM for going back to work, generally I do really enjoy it.
I have also started studying for my masters part time - only 1 paper this semester but makes me use my brain and hopefully when I do finally go back to work I will have a new qualification. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 7:13am
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I know what you mean.
I hated my job before kids, so I don't feel the "pull" to go back to work, but I do feel the need to do something. DD's at kindy 4 days a week (20 hours total) and DS is super cruisey and has a good 2 hour nap while big sister's at kindy. We are starting back at playgroup this week (had a break for various reasons) and we visit the in-laws once a week, too. So my week is filling up again. However, I am taking on some study very soon. Will take up about 14 hours a week. I'm really excited - as is DH. I think he's looking forward to me being less of a Mummy Brain  ------------- 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 8:24am
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Do you have things in the day to do like, kindy, play centre, plunket coffee groups, library groups, mainly music, friends to go to the park with, a zoo pass if near one & so on?
I found if I had a few days a week filled with things then when we were at home we enjoyed it. I did correspondence courses to keep the brain going 
I also found if I was home I was doing housework non stop. I found a 10min plan & put it into place, it worked good for me & I was able to spend more time with my kids. If you feel the need to work or keep up with the field you are in are you able to work from home, or in an after hour position or do more training for it....
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Posted By: JoJames
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 8:37am
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I was working casually 1-2 days a week and haven't had any work for the last 6 weeks, I didn't realise how much I needed to do it. I have been going crazy having to stay at home with my kids. I conteract this by keeping quite busy and trying to focus on other things, I run a mainly music and am heavily involved in Playcentre, I'm trying to do my course 2 which is good because it keeps my brain moving. The problem is that I now want to volunteer for everything and so I really have to hold myself back.
I did get asked to work monday which I am so excited about because I miss it so much. But if I don't get anymore work I might think about doing some post grad papers. ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: Mum2ET
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 12:57pm
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I have been a fulltime SAHM for 2 1/2 years now (worked pt when DD was a baby from 7 mths) and its only really now I am starting to feel like I need a little bit more. Can't quite figure out what I want to do in terms of work (my old job isn't really going to fit into our family schedule and I want something with school friendly hrs). Have decided that when DD starts school (middle of the year), I might look at putting DS into preschool for 2 mornings a week and maybe do some volunteer work at DD school- figure it would help me be involved in her schooling, meet some new people and give me something different to do.
But yes at the moment we are out 3-4 mornings a week (find I need at least 1 morning a week at home to just potter around) during various activities/playdates etc
------------- Mum to Ella (5) and Tom (2) |
Posted By: Mattsmum
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 11:05pm
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I think I need to find a few more things to do. I feel like i spend a lot of time in the car, but most of the things we do are not particularly social, just me and the kids.
Looks like more study might be something to consider. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 11:20pm
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I know what you mean. I have been a stay at home mum for 4 years now (with a 3.5 year old and a 15-month-old), and have gone up and down during that time, from loving it and feeling like there's no place I'd rather be, to feeling very stuck and claustrophobic, and lonely. It depends on the stage they're at, and what my tiredness and hormone levels are like (and, on a day to day basis, whether the sun is shining or not!)
I never expected to be a stay at home mum, as I loved my career and children were just supposed to 'slot' into our lives instead of turn them upside down! But then of course my first born arrived and I wanted to give her everything, and being your typical overachiever I wanted to be the best at what I felt was the most important job I'd had in my life (wish society felt the same!). And I'd seen friends go back to work and rush around and feel guilty and blame whatever went wrong with the kids on their decision to go back to work, and I didn't want that. I do some freelance editing work (the $ really helps, but sorry Jazzy I resent people's comments that I need this work to 'keep my brain going' ;) - I think that's insulting to SAHMs!) but this is very part-time. Anyway, I still have the odd bad day but what I have learned so far is that I need to get out of the house at least once a day, even when I don't want to. And you definitely need to cultivate your own interests. I am quite creative, and now I've finished decorating our house I'm getting into making art again, and I love it. I also read a lot, and sometimes National Radio feels like my lifeline
Don't feel like a spoilt brat... being a SAHM is far from easy, especially when you don't have a strong network of friends and family to support you. I'm definitely not a natural at being a SAHM, and it was the difficult choice, putting my career on hold for a while, cutting back our lifestyle - but I'm so pleased I've done it, when I look at the awesome little people I'm growing
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Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 10 March 2012 at 11:24pm
| Oh yes sorry Mattsmum, it really is about making contact with other people, rather than just getting out of the house. For me just doing the preschool run and having a 10-min chat to another mum raises my spirits a lot more than doing something on our own. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 11 March 2012 at 8:55am
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scribe I apologise if you have taken offence to my comment it is really hard when you are writing in a forum about what you did & why you did it...I, like you are sharing my experiences & like everyone else's they may not suit everyone..or be worded to everyone satisfaction.
I am a SAHM & have been for many yrs so I am hardly going to maliciously insult one.. |
Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 11 March 2012 at 10:33pm
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Oh definitely not, Jazzy! I definitely meant the ... my comment was directed at people (particularly older men, and women who haven't had children...basically those who haven't had much involvement with raising kids) who seem to think that being a SAHM involves a lobotomy. Like recently DH's boss said his wife wants to go back to work when their boy is 2 so that her brain doesn't completely go to mush. And her career was in sales, which I would imagine isn't hugely intellectually challenging (now who's the one making assumptions? ... But I think study etc is still a great thing to do
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Posted By: islandgirl
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 9:59am
I had to look twice to check if I had written this paragraph! YES. I'm in the same boat. We have a lot of things on during the week, but I think it was when I picked up a bit of tutoring that it made me feel like I wasn't wasting my qualifications as much as I was staying at home with my little one. I really thought I'd be back at work from about 3 months - haha.. still at home, but it's the tutoring that's really made me feel like it's ok to be at home (most of the time). I still find I get a bit bored sometimes tho - but realistically if you're used to really thinking about things/working complex problems through, getting things accomplished and being successful in your own right.. I think it will always be a bit tough going from that environment to one where it's just you and your child(ren).. they're awesome.. but sometimes not very mentally stimulating if you know what I mean. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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scribe wrote:Posted By: Dophy
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 7:35pm
| I kinda know what you mean, I see myself as a stay at home mum but I work part time in the late afternoon/night (3-9) my daughters only in care for 2 hours so we only pay $25 a week for childcare before my husband comes to pick her up and they get some special bonding time too which is great. you could consider working part time the odd night gets your brain working and gets you out of the house. theres a job going where I work with similar hours if you're keen. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 7:59pm
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I think my brain works less now I am back at work So tired all the time, would love to stay at home but at the moment need the $$$ to renovate the house.
But my dreams of being a sahm involved me doing lots of crafts but I found that I never had the time! SOOO disappointing. ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 12 March 2012 at 10:19pm
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Nutella, this is probably something you don't need to hear now (although it looks like you have some maternity leave coming up?!), but for the first 1-2 years I felt like I was barely managing, and then... I dunno, even with an extra child I seem to have more time for doing things like crafts, and pursuing my own interests. Possibly the children entertain each other more? And also I think it took me quite a while to learn the art of housekeeping and parenting, everything my mother never taught me!
Island girl, funny, you beat me - I thought I would be back at work by six months . And I definitely plan to use my quals again in the future (and am doing so in my freelance work), but in the meantime my graduate degree, and life and work experience are not being wasted as a mum... I love my own mum to bits and she has passed on some wonderful gifts to me, but things like critical thinking, political awareness, and a love of the arts (ie, literature, fine art and music) are not among them. I know my girls will benefit from my education and experience, and I'm sure you'll find being a SAHM much more rewarding when your children get a little older and really start opening their eyes to the world .
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 10:17am
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hmm sales is very challenging but raising children is a hundred times harder!!
I find it hard not contributing financially, and I loved having my own money etc. I know I am doing the most important job ever, but its very hard to achieve your own goals while raising babes at home. I hate that people assume Im at home simply because I cant get a job! ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 5:26pm
I think that's a very common feeling, I've had it a few time but DH says what I do saves us money & time & it does. I handle the money so I don't feel like its not my money & I can spend what I want on what ever I want, if this was not the case then yes I think I would want a paying job
I think that no matter what women do some will feel guilty...go to work=child in care, no work=no money in..we can't win
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 5:53pm
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SO right jazzy , its a choice we make, or sometimes are forced with, and I too can buy whatever I want but I dont now after soo long at home , its definately getting tighter these days..money just dosent go as far
I could go to work, but I cant justify only earning a few bucks after childcare and gas and parking in the city for the hours away from my girls ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 8:27pm
I feel totally the same. After being on 1 wage for so long I don't like to waste money & I find I am the last one in the family to get things which annoys DH but doesn't really bother me & I guess it's because I know I can spend the money if I wanted to.. The more kids you have the less you will have in your hand if working & then you have the stress of putting you children into care if you don't want to & them getting sick & you taking time off 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 8:31pm
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oh & the 1 think I hated to hear was "you are so lucky to be a SAHM" seriously luck has nothing to do with it, more like sacrifice, we sacrificed a wage, my sanity sometimes etc, but it was the best sacrifices we ever made
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Posted By: Danda08
Date Posted: 13 March 2012 at 8:49pm
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Couldn't agree with you ladies more. I also thought I would be back at work full time with baby at daycare after 6 months. Instead I stayed home till the twins were 18 months and have only lasted 3 months before resigning.
I'm wavering on whether it was the right decision cos I love my job and the salary & benefits (even after paying the nanny & travel) make it totally worthwhile. BUT I miss my babies and I want to spend as much time as I can with them doing things that make them happy. So scarifice city here we come
I find the same as others have mentioned that the days where you get to interact with other parents so much better than the days where you just do things with the kids on your own. We're moving house this weekend to a new area so fingers crossed I can make some new friends to hang out with! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 14 March 2012 at 11:53am
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I think I find the hard thing sometimes is the isolation, yes you can do all the parenting groups and childs interest etc but its quite superficial in regards to metting new friends etc. I have met a few lovely girls at kindy but we dont hang out as such - too busy with kids commitments lol!
I didnt go back to work when My first was just 9 months but it didnt work for us in regards to her needs so I quit (well took voluntary redundancy) Its a 5 year plan though, at this stage poor little number three will probably be a bit ripped off and be at kindy at around 18 months or so, where as my big has had be for almost her whole life. SHe loves kindy though, somedays I have to cary her out!! ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 14 March 2012 at 4:09pm
Yes you're right Raspberry Jam; it can still be lonely because (as you said) when I'm with other mums all we talk about are our children, so it's on quite a superficial, surface level, and we're so busy chasing our kids around that we don't get a chance to get beyond that. (There are a couple of exceptions - but it has taken me years to build those friendships up.) It's not till I get together with my old friends, or my sister (pity they all live overseas), and it feels so good and I feel so energised - that I realise how lonely I probably am.
I couldn't agree more! Also, I feel really strongly that full-time motherhood should not be regarded as a luxury, especially when the children are little. As far as I'm aware, feminists fought for woman's liberation - for control over their own lives, and for power in society... and it's sad that some women feel that being a full-time mother is no longer a choice. It's awesome that we have the opportunities we have but I feel that while women have changed, workplaces have not changed (very much). I also tried and failed to find a job that would work with the family, so then I decided to focus on the kids for now, as the career will always be there (though it may need a little kickstart!). And yes it is really hard for a modern, previously independent woman to go from earning a wage to relying on her partner's wage. I look at it like I am actually earning a wage, I'm working as a SAHM so I share my husband's wage. (I mean, say I died tomorrow, he'd need a nanny and a cleaner and an everything else person...) |
Posted By: Mattsmum
Date Posted: 18 March 2012 at 8:17pm
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You are all so inspirational. In my field most mums are back at work within 2 years, I am a teacher and am about to lose my full registration because I am not working but I agree it is the best for my kids.
I always hope I will do more crafts etc but I never get the time either. it is very isolating but I never did have loads of friends. My Father in law keeps going on about how lucky I am that my husband supports me, and when am I going to get a job. People's attitudes are interesting. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: tigger,roo
Date Posted: 19 March 2012 at 11:02am
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its a struggle $ wise being a SAHM but my dp wouldnt have it any other way until ds was 3, then said i could go part time if i wanted. He says he gets piece of mind knowing i am home with ds when hes sick etc...
Its been interesting as my sister was working and everyone said i should too. She just gave up her job and their family life has improved - she is less growly, more relaxed and her son is thriving with having her home even though he is at school. Now those people have got off my back :) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Angels - March'11, Nov '10, May '10 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 19 March 2012 at 1:18pm
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I love being a full time Mum and we rarely stay at home, we have Playcentre twice a week and meet up with the Mum and Bubs we did SPACE with each week then we're at the mall doing the weekly shopping or at the library when its wet.
TBH financially we would only break even if I were to work part time. Full time daycare isn't something either of us want for our daughter. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: sweets
Date Posted: 21 March 2012 at 8:10pm
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I was lucky enough to stay at home till DS was 16mo old. I was doing home based childcare from 6mo onwards which was the best thing for us financially. We had financial comittments before we had DS and we still have until January/May next year - then we are free :)
I have to admit I got really bored at home with DS and once I no longer did homebased cc I had to get another job just so we could make ends meet. DS loves daycare and has one day a week with his Nana which is awesome for him. I've had the chance to work a few weeks at part time hours and I have to say it was a blast, having 2 and a half days at work and 2 and a half days at home was perfect and by the time #2 comes along we will be in the position for me to stay home which will be great. I'm not sure if I'll take up part time work or study when I'm at home. I definetly feel I can see it from both sides. Everyones circumstances are so different, what really bothers me is when everyone asks us when #2 is going to come along and I tell them that we're just waiting to free things up financially - only for them to say "everyone always says that, and you'll find a way if it happends". I understand that is true a lot of the time but for us, if one of us was to stay home we'd almost certainly end up losing the house - WELL that would have happened if we had fell pregnant last year or the year before. LUCKILY for us, were almost in the clear and if I was to fall pregnant now we'd be able to manage. 
I'm not going to lie, sometimes when I hear people complaining about how tough life is ($ wise) all I think is - go out and get a job then! I know it might be a horrible thought but it's basically what I had to do. I'm not looking for an argument or anything like that, I just think that sometimes it's not a black and white decision to stay home. As far as Im concerned, if you can affford to stay home - go for it! |
Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 21 March 2012 at 10:07pm
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Sweets, sounds like everything is working out well for you, yay!
But just a point regarding paying a mortgage, we downgraded our house (well, not so much downgraded but moved to a less desirable suburb, cutting $120k off our mortgage) so that I could continue to stay at home with bubs. These are the kind of sacrifices we talk about (not that it was much of a sacrifice, as I'm now in a more family friendly area anyway, albeit not quite as 'cool' )
And, financially, obviously it depends what career field you're in too. Recently I saw a job advertised and it would have been perfect for me; however, I was dismayed to discover that we would actually end up with less money (and we're not on Working For Families, but just that the cost for two children in daycare would be more than my wages...then there'd be transport etc to consider). I would have enjoyed the job but I don't think I would be able to cope with the guilt of knowing I was choosing to put my energies into a job outside the home, instead of nurturing my kids. It's certainly not something I ever considered when choosing a career path... but hopefully when they're at school I'll have more options. Tigger roo - my sister was my inspiration for staying at home too (she works), only she doesn't know it
Matts Mum - yep, attitudes like that are so annoying! Yep, it was my choice to have kids, therefore it is my responsibility to do the best by them, society certainly doesn't owe me anything...but some recognition that raising happy, well-rounded, empathetic people is actually a worthwhile job would be nice! |
Posted By: sweets
Date Posted: 21 March 2012 at 10:34pm
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Yes defintely agree about the career field. At the level I am, it wouldn't be worth working full time once we have number 2 (with childcare costs etc). They certainly don't make it easy! I have to say, we do pay on the higher side for daycare but live in a small city and there aren't many to choose from - so could definetley cut costs there if we got desperate (although I'd rather starve and know DS is happy during the day without me :) I can't wait for 20 free hours!
I certainly hear you on downgrading the mortgage. Were already on the tail end of the market but I have a few friends who are doing exactly that right now. It makes me laugh that when I was a SAHM I couldnt wait for a job with adults and now I find myself more often then not talking with friend at work about ways we could stay home with our kids! |