Planning Only One Child
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=40838
Printed Date: 18 August 2025 at 4:30pm
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Topic: Planning Only One Child
Posted By: kelzie_rose
Subject: Planning Only One Child
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 11:33am
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Hello!!
Just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation... I'm currently pregnant with my first child. DH and I have had been trying since April 2008, and have had three miscarriages (Jan 2010, Oct 2010, April 2011) and this has been a particularly tough pregnancy. So we're planning to only have just the one child, and have met opposition at every post. I know it has nothing to do with anyone but DH and I, but it's really getting me down. -------------  Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Replies:
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 11:55am
| I would just not tell anyone, its no-one elses bisuness! People like to comment on everything to do with babies and kids,.... once u have baby u will be hit with tonnes of unhelpful/stupid comments and the usual q's that everyone asks- "Is he/she a good baby?",..."Is he/she sleeping through the night" etc,...they can all be really hurtful and make u think u doing something wrong, but its your family, your choice. Try not to let other people comments bother u! |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 11:58am
| We are ttc our 3rd at the mo and when people find out we have had lots of comments like "WHY? you already have one of each", lol. Before we had #2 everyone said if u have another girl, will u try for a boy,...I would say- "um how do u TRY for a boy", haha....but now we have one of each everyone presumes we wont be having any more. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 12:14pm
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Everyone assumes we want a girl this time round :sigh: I hate assumptions...
TBH hun I'd just keep your decision to yourself. You may find that you change your minds at some point in the future and other than that, like you said, its nobodies business but yours! I had severe hyperemesis with DS1 along with other issues like domestic violence which made the whole thing abit of a nightmare but weirdly I still desperately wanted more babies. Enter my now DH after a split with the domestic violence guy and bang I get a BFP pretty much the first time we hook up, promptly followed by a MC. That was kinda the routine for the next couple of years, get a BFP, lose the baby. We ended up with a sticky (DS2) and while I wasn't quite as sick as with DS1 it was still nasty and it was then that I totally went off the idea of having anymore. We had a couple more MCs after DS2 (we're super fertile and have limited contraceptive options) and we're now in double digits with MCs. This bubs was abit of a surprise coz though it took me awhile to get over not having my perfect 4 we'd decided it was just too hard, and while we're super-excited about the baby part of it the pregnancy part still sucks balls and I still cringe at the idea of going through this again. Its perfectly normal I think when you haven't had an easy time of it. I don't know if this helps at all but with how you feel you aren't alone  -------------   
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Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 1:07pm
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We have an only child by choice. I had a relatively easy, uncomplicated pregnancy, followed by a horrible birth, and then the intial trauma / shock of the newborn phase. DS had reflux, but apart from that he has always been a great baby / kid - good sleeper, good eater, well behaved etc. So, our reasons for stopping at one are two-fold: I have NO desire to go through the birth and newborn phase again. Like, EVER, and secondly - DS is so great, I can't believe we'd be so lucky second time around. Plus both DH and I have clawed back a semblance of our pre-kid lifestyle - we both work (me part-time) in jobs that we love, we can afford to go on holidays, out to dinner etc (either with or without DS) - so I really feel like we've got the best of both worlds. Adding another child to the equation would really throw that balance off. It's funny though, I have known just two other couples in my life who have chosen to have an only child. There is a lot of negative thought around it (mostly based on hackneyed myths about personality traits etc). Luckily, I haven't copped too much flack for it so far (maybe because I am master of a very scathing eyebrow when anyone looks like the might make unwanted comments! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: fairy1
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 1:09pm
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Don't tell anyone what you're planning, just say you don't know.
I keep getting asked when I'm going to have another one and I just say I don't know, means people tend to not go any further with the conversation which is good. I got sick of people saying you have to another one, it's not fair for ds to be an only child, he'll want a sibling etc. Its none of their business and it doesn't affect them ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: maya22
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 1:33pm
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Why on earth are you even discussing it with anyone? That is private stuff and if you don't like what people are saying just shut down the conversation.
Welcome to being a parent. There is always someone offering an opinion, usually unwanted, you get to learn pretty quick to shrug it off and get on with the job. ------------- DS1 July 2007 DS2 Nov 2010 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummymonster
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 1:34pm
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Don't tell. When they ask (and they always do) just be fob them off. It's a personal thing between you and DH, don't know why everyone thinks that pregnancy (or not) is public property. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: newme
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 1:34pm
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Congrats on your pregnancy. So happy for you.
I agree with fairy1 - just don't tell people. If someone asks, just say 'we'll see', or 'haven't decided'. It is no one elses business. If people really push, then reply by asking them an overly personal question, and that should shut them up! |
Posted By: SophieD
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 3:32pm
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Congrats on your pregnancy :-) you guys certainly had a hard road getting your little one, really happy for you :-)
Agree with above, don't tell anyone if it makes you feel that way. It is totally your business and no body elses. On a different side, if you do tell people, be proud of your decision. I know plenty of only children who are fantastic wonderful people and are super close to their parents (they are my age so not little kids). While they may miss out on experiencing siblings, they have alot of other wonderful opportunities too. If this is the decision you and your DH have made, good on you. Your daughter will love you and you will be able to shower her with all of your love and attention 
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 6:56pm
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Congrats on your pregnancy
I have only one (not exactly by choice - my husband and I broke up when she was 11 months) and there are heaps of positives to having only one. But I have noticed that people with more than one do tend to get defensive when you point it out. I have a friend who has made a decision to have just the one and she tells people her reasons and then closes the subject. Me, I just say maybe one day I'll have another but I am happy with what I have. On another note - I have friends I met at antenatal class who were absolutely adament they were only having one (mainly due to age - they were on the verge of 40 when they had number 1, and a terrible 1st pregnancy) and then changed their minds later. They now have another wee girl. Things change when you bring a new baby into your lives  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 9:05pm
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It is a natural thing for people to ask "when are you going to have your second" - I know as we have been asked!! And I say just getting over this one at the moment. But truth be told we were only planning on having one.
We were a bit like you it took us 2 years to get pregnant and then like Josica had a traumatic birth and shock as to what was involved with a Newborn and our DS has silent reflux BUT things are starting to get back to normal and I think I am ready to tell people now that we are happy with one and I imagine that I will be giving people some rather horrid looks if they ask why not two. Hope people stop asking or being offering their opinions on having one child soon. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and Evie brings you heaps of joy and happiness. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: CrazyCass
Date Posted: 26 October 2011 at 1:26pm
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Hey kelz - we are the same, but for different reasons... we to get the met with the yea right, we'll chat in a few years you'll have another one ALL the time. Even to the point my own mother has told me I'm being selfish by only having 1 baby!
Just do what suits you guys, DH & I have agreed to hang onto baby stuff till the first birthday, then talk about it again to make sure we are both happy still sticking to 1 bubs. Then DH will be off for the snip - that'll make it pretty final, then you can honestly say you can't have any more hehe
Try to enjoy whats left of your pregnancy - you really deserve it babe xx ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 7:51am
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We have one beautiful DD and she will be our one and only. I had the perfect pregnancy (no sickness, no fatigue, only gained 8kg), perfect c-section birth (healed beautifully, out of hospital on 3rd day, back driving within 11 days). Actually it wasn't until she was about 2.5 that we decided that our family just felt complete. We feel so content with our family unit that I just wouldn't change the dynamics of it for the world. She is now 4 and life is very balanced, a good mix of family versus social time for us.
Anyway, we must be very lucky with our friends and family, as no one has ever questioned or offered an opinion on our choice to have an only child. I think partly its because we are so confident in our choice. If people ask me whether we are having anymore I always say 'I got the perfect child the first time around, and I feel that our family is complete' and they accept that. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 10:01am
| Just one for me too. Perhaps we should start a club. I get a lot of 'youll change your mind' comments and maybe I will but can't imagine changing our wee family of two. |
Posted By: Buttersmum
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 10:42am
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I also think it's really noone else's business but people will still ask anyway.
I'm currently deciding this very thing for myself. I just love my DD sooooooo much and we have got to a point where we are just enjoying life and financially on track etc etc. DD was/is a great baby and I had a great pregnancy bar the SPD which at the end of the day was fine. I just wonder if having another child will take all of that away IYKWIM. The last couple of days I have been sick after catching Gastro off my lovely DD and I think if I had another child I would have struggled so so much. My DH is good but he's a bit sh*t at helping when I'm sick as I tend to just get on with it and try and do as much as poss.
I also have had the remarks that DD will miss out on the sibling thing bla bla............well there's no guarantee that siblings are going to get along. In fact my brothers never got along as kids very well always fighting etc etc and cause they were that bit older than me they never played with me all they did was tease the hell out of me. We get on as adults but sometimes its not all cracked as its meant to be. I know plenty of single children and all of them have good fullfilling lives and lots of friends etc etc. DD will have lots of cousins and she goes to Daycare so if we do decide to be a 1 child family I have no qualms that she will be lonely. Again on the financial track, I also like that if we want we can give what we want to DD (within reason, I don't want to spoil her too much) and we can give her a great lifestyle where as if we have 2 children we would probably struggle............and what if we had twins next!!!
Decisions, decisions............... I'll decide next year lol
The funny thing is I reckon its harder to decide to have a second baby than to decide to have one!! We just went for it the first time but this time we are really really thinking about it ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 my little blobby April 09 "gone but will never be forgotten xx"
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 2:06pm
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I am happy to only have one child. it was a ok pregenecy, horrable brith, horrable 10 weeks after too and i relly dont want to go back to the newborn stage it scares me and our life is so great right now. ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: Tan1
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 2:59pm
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I hope everything goes well for you, your husband and bubs. I know it is easy to say but don't listen to what anyone alse has to say unless it is helpful and positive!
We have a 10 year old daughter and I am now blessed to have a 6 month old son. Before we had my son not one person commented negatively on my daughter being an only child, and if they had I would have let them know to where to stick their opinions! Surround yourself with positive people and as for those who oppse your choice I say kick them to the curb 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 10:43pm
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I agree that you don't need to tell them...and if people persist and you do,and they give you grief,just remind them that families come in all shapes and sizes,there are families with one child....and there families with ten children,there is no "text book" number of kids you HAVE to have,and so long as the family is happy...what else matters? ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: blossombaby
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 10:52pm
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our girls just turne d1 and we are getting the must be time for number two, i rather be honest and say no more for us and they always pull the she'll be lonely, she'll want a brother or sister rahrahra
tbh me and dp both only want one child we are happy with one not that it is ANY one elses business, i have no interest in a big family - i enjoyed being preg had a terrible birth and a year later still have a dodgy back from givng birth. I do often feel like saying we are trying to get them off our backs an dhope they would shut up but we shouldn't have too. its so annoying. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: red1
Date Posted: 29 October 2011 at 8:26am
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People will voice their opinons no matter what.......I agree with what others have said, just dont tell them. After DS was born I would say hes our only child, then people would tell me...."why? U cant only have 1". (Well actually I can do what ever I want) I know DH and I will have more children, but its got nothing to do with anyone else....But if I was to fall pregnant now people would speculate on that too!! Who cares what others think ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AbzandH
Date Posted: 29 October 2011 at 11:28am
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I agree!! You do what's best for your own family.
I personally am having more than 1 because my partner is an only child and he hates the fact. Not helped at all that he was in daycare at 6 weeks, his mother is about as maternal as a potplant, and they didn't make the effort with him socially to help him out in that aspect. He's really struggled with building relationships and trust and if things don't go his way or to plan it's the end of the world. These could well be a personality thing but more often than not even he agrees it comes back to him not having siblings growing up. But in saying that one of my best friends is an only child and has had the best life ever, very secure, grounded, down to earth, amazing mum, selfless, so it really does depend on the family. Plus NO-ONE can understand how difficult pregnancies and births can be... as much as they think they can it really takes a toll both physically and mentally, and this too has a big impact on the whole family. |
Posted By: Keleho
Date Posted: 29 October 2011 at 1:45pm
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DH and I want 4 kids and I get "omg, you want how many?!?"
After DD was born it was "so you STILL want 4?" I think no matter what the subject is, everyone has an opinion. Best to grin and bear it ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 29 October 2011 at 10:51pm
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Im sorta getting this now as well, people are asking oh when are you going to have number 2? And when I say oh god not for a long time, if ever, they seem really shocked. I feel uneasy because people I know who had babies round when I did are starting to get pregnant again and I really don't want to, I feel like there must be something a bit wrong with me.
I had a difficult pregnancy and birth followed by reflux and dairy intolerant baby who screamed all the time for the first 6 months, bad post natal depression and anxiety and it was really hard on our relationship dealing with all those things. We have just now gotten into a place where things are good again, I feel a lot better, enjoying my DS SOO much that we both feel that it's good as it is. For a long while this year I said never again, no more babies I can't go through this again. Maybe one day I'll change my mind, I'm not really sure. But I think at the end of the day the most important thing is what is best for you and your family. For us, what is important is staying on top of things, being happy, and enjoying our boy who we love so much- I find it hard to imagine loving another the same. When people ask me I just say oh I don't know, I'm really happy with how things are at the moment, Im young, I want to go back to work again before I think about it, so yeah we'll see. Just some throwaway answer. If people persist, just a firm comment about how it's your life and your choice should set them straight. Don't let it get you down, as said above there are so many things like this in motherhood and people wanting to criticise your choices at every turn- you just need to be sure they are right for you and your family and stay true to that :) ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 05 November 2011 at 4:39pm
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I have a friend who has one DS and when people ask her she says "no way am I risking having another - this one is way too perfect - what will happen next time around?" Tends to shut people up pretty quickly...
As for us - I am really happy with our wee DD and I dont paticularly want another (at the moment) because I want to get my career on track etc - and enjoy watching DD grow up without having to think about having a NB! DH is a different story - he is an only child and always says "I really want another - dont want S growing up spoilt like me!!" Then I think of my relationship with my sister and how grateful I am that I have her... So I guess its one of those things that is different in each situation... And as for those that are critical - they can sod off - or you can just start making comments on what they do
ETA - not implying only children are spoilt!!! Just my DH hehe
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Posted By: MadWitch
Date Posted: 05 November 2011 at 8:17pm
| I'm sorry to hear that other people's comments on your choices are getting you down. I have just become a mother and with a now 2 month old (and he's perfect in every way) people are commenting about "the next one". I've given up trying to explain to people that hubby and I only want the one perfect child we now have (he was unplanned (not unwanted) as it is). I have heard it all "you've done it once, you know what to do for next time", "you can't only have one, he'll have no one to play with", yadda, yadda, yadda. I just tune the comments out now or laugh them off. |
Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 07 November 2011 at 10:31pm
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Hugs babe!! I got so pissed off when I was pregnant and people would ask about number 2! My standard response was "can I finish cooking this one first?!"
I've always liked the idea of 2 kids with a 3-4yr age gap and that always gets negative remarks as well. "But they won't be friends""you won't want to go back to newborn stage by that point""haha you wait, once she 6mths old you'll be trying again" Basically whatever you chose someone thinks they have the right to voice an un-asked for opinion. DH said a few weeks ago that he'd be happy with just the one. He didn't and still doesn't have the best relationship with his sister. So I'll just have to wait and see if he changes his mind. So in short screw the lot of them!!! Evie can be "sister/friends" with Lauren. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 08 November 2011 at 7:41pm
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What a crock MrsMJD...my daughter and her brother are 7 years apart and are the best of friends,those people are idiots,pfft love knows no age or limits!
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http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Buttersmum
Date Posted: 14 November 2011 at 9:19am
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exactly!! My DH gets on way better with his sister who is 6 years younger than the sister who is only 2 yrs younger. At the end of the day its personalities and sometimes they clash big time and other times they suit really well. Nothing is certain. One way to look at it.........if you fall out with your best friend you don't have to still live with them ------------- http://lilypie.com">
my little blobby April 09 "gone but will never be forgotten xx"
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 16 November 2011 at 11:24pm
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Like everyone else says, people always have something to say.
WhenI had my second little girl even strangers commented, oh nevermind maybe you will hav a boy next time!!It really is no body elses business what your decision is, just tell them to mind their business ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: greentee
Date Posted: 20 November 2011 at 8:50am
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Oh this is very interesting, perfect timing finding this!!! I feel like every time I go out of the house a the moment I get the questions: "When are you having another child? or "Is DS your only child" Far out some people are so rude!! DS in 19 months old, Little do they know it took 2 years to fall preg with him and endless months of fertility treatment. I have ended up just saying "yes he is our only child" or "all good things take time" to people who know our past. I am an only child and would dearly love ds to have a sister or brother. Hubby is one of 3 and he would love another child as well. In the end we may have no choice over DS being an only child.......
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Posted By: mummytobesep08
Date Posted: 21 November 2011 at 12:00pm
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Kelzie: like others have said, just don't mention it.
You will get HEAPS of comments from all sorts of people about when you are having another baby, particularly as your first baby gets older. I'd get a comment at least 2-3 times a week and guaranteed every time I went somewhere new with DD. The best ways I found were: 1) Smiling and nodding, saying something like "we'll see", or 'Mm-hmm'. But if I were feeling particularly grumpy, or the person was insistent, or I just wanted to see them squirm I would go with option two: 2) Over-sharing with the truth. "My vagina broke when giving birth and it didn't heal right so we can't have enough sex to make another baby yet". That shut EVERYONE up. And in the case of annoying relatives, they never asked again ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
Angel babes '07 & '10- <3 <3 |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 22 November 2011 at 6:20pm
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Oh heck, tell them all to bugger off already!
Dh and I are after 3. Hopefully 4 if the next pair are twins! But I only want to put myself through one more pregnancy. That's just what feels right for us. If you and your partner/DH are quite settled with the idea of one, if that's what suits your family, then all power too you. Really Truely  You guys know the kind of lifestyle you want to lead, and if you can follow those dreams, you'll be one happy wee family.
Chip up chook  -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |