To work or not to work?
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39868
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Topic: To work or not to work?
Posted By: frankie
Subject: To work or not to work?
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 12:03pm
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Who else is out there at the moment with this dilemma? I know a lot of Mum's feel guilty about going back to work. But I feel guilty at the prospect of staying home full time - why is this!?!! and does anyone feel the same?
I have the perfect scenario for going back to work. I have a great career & earn really good money, and the opportunity to go back to work part time when my baby is 12 months old, until I'm ready to go back full time. We can afford to live on my husband's wage (it's tight, but can be done) so what I earn will be bonus. My mother will take care of my baby so I don't even have to pay for childcare or worry that I've got my child in good care. However, I hate working. I really do. The thought of going back to office politics and all that rubbish makes me feel very unhappy. And I love my baby to bits and I don't want to leave her. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, in fact in looking after my wee girl I feel I have found my purpose. I know that in reality I have to go back to work one day, if we want to get ahead financially, but its just not what I want to do right now. Why do I feel guilty about wanting to stay home longer than my 12 months maternity leave? My DH says that he is happy for me to stay home, if that is what I want to do. Yet I feel guilty for not earning money and that he has to work 45 hours a week to support my choice to stay home. I guess I feel lazy for wanting to be a full time SAHM. Yet I don't think that way about other people who are SAHM - I know how hard some days can be! I guess I kind of feel like I have to go back to work, and everyone (family, friends) think I have the perfect scenario to do so, and to not go back to work would be to chuck away my career. I know that a lot of employers would hesitate to employ someone who'd been out of the workforce for a few years, that weighs on my mind a lot. Anyone else feel the same? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Replies:
Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 1:04pm
I think this says it all, happiness is so important and it sounds like you have found what makes you happy! I was the same, I LOVED my career and swore black and blue I'd never be a SAHM. I had a fantastic job, earned very good money and I loved what I did. When I went on maternity leave I was 100% sure I was going back after 14 weeks... until DS was born and I started to change my mind. I did some sums and made some cut backs on our budget and found that I could actually work part time so decided to look for a job that offered that. I got a job within two weeks, accepted.. then came the guilt for leaving DS even though it was with my MIL (so also no child care costs) so after more sums and more cut backs I worked out I could stay home full time. Even though DH and I discussed it at length and he was all for it, it took months for me to get my head around not having to work. It was weird waking up and having noone 'expecting' me to turn up (aside from DS of course  ) And I hated that DH had to work and I got to stay at home.
Now though, I'm so glad I did it and I love being a SAHM. I do miss work too (quite a lot in fact) but I figured my career would always be there, I will have to work a bit harder initially but if I want to, I'll make it happen. However my kids will never be young again and it's important to me to be with them now, more important that it is for me to return to work, so that eases my guilt a lot and being at home really makes me happy. It's a hard decision but you need to do what's best for you and your family and most of all you need to be happy  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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frankie wrote:Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 1:14pm
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Yep. I've been financially independent since about age 19 so being reliant on someone else horrified me. Before baby came I'd even saved enough of my own money to continue to be independent for 9 months when I had originally planned to go back to work. But now here I am still at home (and pregnant again) and my daughter is almost 18 months old.
The long and short of it was that after talking about it neither me or my partner really wanted me to go back to work, despite the fact I previously loved my job. Initially I felt awful about being 'supported' but I've gotten over it (mostly). Although in reality I still do some casual work which gives me some pocket money that I use for completely frivolous spending on myself which makes me feel less guilty. Really though I just got used to it because I think about us more as a family unit now rather than my contribution and his contribution etc. And yes, the thought of having trouble returning to the workforce definitely worried me but I've decided that I'll worry about that when I need to, which is not at the moment. A very personal decision, although at least your husband is happy with whatever decision you make. I reckon stop feeling guilty and enjoy it whilst you can! ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 2:18pm
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I always thought I would go back to work as well, now I can't think of anything worse.
The way I see it my daughter is only little for such a short time, its only another couple of years till she is off to kindy and then school and I'll have all the time in the world to go back to work. ETA - your daughter is only young do you have to make a decision now? Could you wait till she is 1 year old and reassess then? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: hbkhhh
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 2:35pm
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I so know how you feel. I have one at school, and a 5 month old - I was only working part time (25 hours per week) during school hours and was meant to go back on 1st August. Have deferred it til next year, but even that is giving me the heebie jeebies!! lol
I second what everyone else says. I studied while my daughter was young, and that was flexible enough that I didn't miss out on anything, but I wish i had spent much more time with her. I don't want to feel that way again! (having said that - I drop DS off at a friends place for a coupe hours every week, coz I realise i do need some me time too!) |
Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 2:40pm
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I find your dilemma interesting frankie and I wonder if I will be confronted by it once my little peanut arrives.
We cant really afford for me to not go back to work - so the finances will probably make the decision for me. But I have a career that I love and a job that actually needs me, as opposed to me needing a job. I know it will be hard to go back - especially when he is only 6 months, but my boss is already saying part time will be fine initially and with him in the on-site daycare I can visit as much as I want. My mum was a SAHM until I was 11 - she regrets leaving it that long to enter the workforce, but I dont think she would change being able to be at home with us when we were little. It meant my Dad worked shifts to earn enough money early on, and there was the odd christmas that he was either there for the morning or the evening but not both - but to be honest my parents regret that side of things more than us kids do. I remember dad being there some of the day - and that was enough. I dont remember mum being around all the time, and dad working all the time - I remember them being there at all the important times. ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 4:00pm
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This really is such a personal issue huh? I think its hard to compare with others situations... My story is this;
I got pregnant toward the end of my training and so for me I had to get into the workforce ASAP before I became un-employable in my profession. I thought when I was still UTD that if a job came up I would go full-time when DD was 3 months old - HAHA no way!! When it came to it I realised gawd I loved spending time with her and there was NO WAY I wanted to leave her for 40hrs+/week So I have had a part-time position with a really understanding employer come up and I grabbed it immediately! I am doing 14hours/week spread over 3 days then I will fill-in annual leave etc when I am trained up enough.. Many tears were shed by me thinking of leaving my wee poppet with someone else - but we did loads of research into carers and we are completly happy with our in-home carer.. I still feel pangs of guilt when I drop her off but I know she is making new friends, learning fun things, and spending time with a carer who enriches her life just that extra bit than by staying home with me all day My mum has only just re-entered the workforce (for their own company) after her youngest moved out of home at 18years old!!! She often says that she never regrets being there for us all and she was appreciative of dad working his butt off to allow her to do so - but I know that she now feels a bit 'lost' because she lived so much for her kids... She gave up a career early on when she had me and I often feel bad that we kind of took it away from her.. Geez this is getting long! One last thing - the feeling I get when I pick DD up from daycare is absolutely fantastic - the huge smile greeting me, looking through her journal to see her playing with her new toys... The QUALITY time I spend with her when we get home - so yup I feel proud that I am developing my career and being a mum at the same time.. And I know that if we manage it correctly DD will be proud of me too 
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Posted By: newmama
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 4:02pm
I was in the same position i worked for nz post in admin so if i went back after maternity leave for at least 6 months my work would have paid me for 14 weeks leave in a lump sum - which is a awesome thing but the thought of leaving my turtle made me feel sick yes i could have worked 6 months then left and got a great amount of money for nothing !! but i couldnt do it so i have resigned from my job and i will admit i had a little cry when i quit because i felt like thats it my career is over but i have a much more important job now - My DH and i had seperate accounts etc up until we had our son so i still hate spending "his" money on myself but he gets really mad at me for thinking like that and keeps telling me its our money now and yes he earns it but i work just as hard as him. Im sure whatever decision you make it will be right for you and only you and your partner can make the decision i have friends who work fulltime and the kids and parents love it and it works so well for them and then i have ones who hate it but they have no choice as they cant afford not to. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Danda08
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 4:53pm
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It's so hard hey! I had no idea how hard the decision would be.
I planned to take 6 months off cos we had been planning to buy a house when I finally got UTD. Then we found out it was twins so decided I would take 12 months off on the understanding with my employer that I expected to be back earlier than that - I LOVED my job and didn't expect to find being a SAHM so satisfying. Next thing I know the 12 months was nearly up and we needed to start looking for a nanny and I wasn't anywhere near ready to hand my babies over to someone else. So thanks to an exceptionally understanding employer I've extended my leave for another 6 months and will go back part time then. I also don't want to be trying to get back into the workforce after years away and the salary & benefits with my current employer make going back very attractive, and some days I'd like to have some adult coversations that don't revolve around kids. BUT then I look at my wee girls and I imagine them being cared for by someone else and suddenly the work stuff seems so unimportant. Maybe extending your leave is an option? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 5:29pm
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I think we tend to second-guess ourselves no matter what we do. In my opinion, there's few things in life that are more important than having a happy family, and if your family will be happier with a little less money and you at home, dont feel guilty about it, go for it.
I'm kinda in the opposite boat. While I've always loved my job, I always imagined myself as a full-time Mum. When it came to it, though, I'm really enjoying being back at work (part-time). Both my and DHs families, however, are very much from the background where Mums stay at home with their kids, and I find myself stressing how I 'have' to work for finacial reasons when I'm round them. Which is true... but to be honest I think Id want to work even without the financial reasons, I'm just glad I've got that handy as an excuse  .
I was lucky that I could go back part-time, at least for now - it also helped that Jacob LOVES creche, so I know I'm leaving him having a lot of fun. -------------   
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 8:22pm
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I was much the same as Hopes. We made sure we were in a position financially that one of us (probably me) being a SAHP was definitely an option should we want it. In the end, I was going stir-crazy at home with a baby who screamed 24/7 so went back to work at 6.5 months. I love my little girl, but I love my work too and DD is happy as a clam at daycare. If she wasn't happy at creche, I'd reconsider because ultimately I put her needs above mine, but for us, at this point, me working and her in creche 4 days a week is meeting all of our needs beautifully.
It sounds like you and your family will be happiest with you at home, so that's the choice I'd make in your situation. We've had joint finances for ages so it's never really been his/my money. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: HuMum
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 8:29pm
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I work parttime. I went back 3 days a week when DS was 1. It is a good balance between being at home and working but I would still prefer to be SAHM, especially on the days when its all office political blah blah blah, and I think my 2 year old is more mature than this lot... I have been lucky that a family member looks after DS, so I know he's being bought up as I would like, and he was pretty early at reaching all the major steps so I never missed anything.
If I had the choice I would still like to stay at home. If you can do then I would go for it. I was planning to be a SAHM for number 2, unfortunately its decided to come along a lot sooner than it should so I will probably have to go back fulltime this time and I'm dreading it.
They are only young for such a short time, so if you want it do it. Unless you have some specialist job, work will always be there. |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 9:09pm
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I really wanted to stay at home but financially it wasn't an option so I went back to work 30 hours a week when DD was 5 months old. I found it incredibly hard in the begining and hated it but now I have come to love it. I love that we have our special day together once a week and we do fun stuff and the rest of the time I know she is happy at daycare. I like the stimulation and sense of achievement that work provides. I think I would have preferred to go back a bit later but I have grown into my role as a working mum now and I do find it satisfying. And I feel like I am here for my girl when she needs me too. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kate08
Date Posted: 11 July 2011 at 9:49pm
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I had a similar issue, as I was offered a part-time job that was too good a deal to turn down. My little girl was 1 year old and it was 2 days a week, then 3 days. She loved daycare, but I felt awful about it. I had my phone on me at all times. And I did find it a bit stressful trying to balance everything. I'm thrilled to be off with baby #2!! Still, we needed the money so I can't regret it.
If you don't need it and your partner agrees with your decision, don't feel guilty. You'll be back at work when the kids are older and he is supporting you to work at home and raise his children, so don't beat yourself up about it. |
Posted By: Hayz001
Date Posted: 12 July 2011 at 4:53pm
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I only have a quote for you which DH and I like to remind ourselves of frequently..
"On your deathbed, you will never wish you spent more time at the office" ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Heidi7
Date Posted: 12 July 2011 at 8:29pm
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This is such a hard decision for everyone. After my first daughter I went back to work for 3 days when she was 7 1/2 months. Then when I had my second daughter I went back for 2days when she was 9 1/2 months. I was offered/asked to do another day which I originally said yes too but I was in tears and couldn't sleep. my second daughter is very much a mummies girl and I couldn't leave her longer than that. I do think she needs daycare to enrich her life experience and to help her with her separation anxiety. I think we've found the right balance for our family.
I truely think you need to take into consideration your Childs personality. Also is $ needed for necessity or luxury. I like our setup. I make good $ even after 2 girls in daycare so it helps me buy the extra things for them. That's where the extra $ goes really. I know everyone says it but your children are only young once. good luck with your decision sorry about my rambling lol. |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 12 July 2011 at 9:42pm
Nope. no work for me- no way.  My 'job' is in the home raising our children. I've had my career, earned good money, worked my way up etc but what I'm doing now is far more important to me, my family and of course the babies. I have far greater earning potential than DF as well, we both know this but we're both happy doing what we're doing now.
Just my opinion, we took a major cut in income and survive on bugger all quite frankly but meh, I would honestly rather that than leave my kids. I know it's different for everyone and I think if you really take the time to quietly ask yourself what you truly want, then you will make the answer work for you one way or another
Good luck!  -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 12 July 2011 at 11:24pm
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I'm struggling with this at the moment too. I have a 3-year-old and a 7-month-old.
Some of the guilt comes from friends who ask me when I'm going back to work (I need more like you, Emmecat!), and I know DH would love the extra money even though he'd never admit it (and we manage to scrape by okay). But most of the guilt comes from me. The guilt I feel at disappointing my teenage-mid-20s self, who worked hard at school and then in her career, and never imagined she'd ever throw that away to be a stay-at-home mum (where's the glamour, pride in that?) But I have to get over that because there is pride in being a stay at home mum. I am really proud of the way my 3-year-old is turning out, and while we may have reached the same result with good-quality care, I suspect the perfectionist in me would have always felt like I was doing two jobs half-arsed. Besides, I don't need the stress, and it's true that these are the years you'll look back on and treasure - there will be plenty of time post-kids to nurture your career, and get enbroiled in office politics
Having said that I have applied for a few jobs recently - but I suspect my career field, journalism, is sinking faster than my career
Also, Mango's comment about your child's personality is also a good one - my DD1 really really needed the security of having me 24/7, she was (is) clingy and emotional, and hated group situations, where as my second child is the opposite, so I would feel happier leaving her. But I am still undecided... they get to be sooo much fun when they become a toddler and get so interested in the world, I really love being their first teacher
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 13 July 2011 at 7:27am
Scribe- I've just had this conversation with friends about being judged etc. I rarely feel judged for my parenting choices thank goodness, which is not the norm apparently?  IMO it's awful if your friends are judging you for choosing to stay home or even asking closed questions that require a yes or no response regarding your decision(s).  That is a very black and white view of the world, often given by the very young, the very immature or the very judgemental. Most of the rest of us understand there are many shades of grey and that we generally all do the best we can, given what we know and understand at the time.
I also agree about the personality thing of the child involved. Even though *I* am a bit uneasy about my toddler starting Montessori 5 mornings a week at 3 years old, I KNOW she will LOVE it. She would go now if she could lol. But my baby...hmmmm time will tell but she is a lot quieter so far. Either way, I will make my decision for this- and everything else- in conjunction with my partner and the girls daddy, and that is it. End of. No one elses opinion matters lol ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: frankie
Date Posted: 13 July 2011 at 9:37am
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Hayz that comment is so true, I've often thought of that when I was working, odd that I haven't thought of it in relation to this decision, as its soooo appropriate!
It's a hard one for sure. It's funny how we worry about people judging us. In fact my biggest hang up with this decision is about this is other people's opinions, as I seem to associate with people who have all gone back to work (or plan to) either full time or part time, a lof of them voluntarily too (vs having to for money's sake) and I feel that they will judge me as lazy for not wanting to work in some capacity. I'll have to get over that! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Kate08
Date Posted: 13 July 2011 at 11:43am
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Lazy for not wanting to work?!? I'm flat out at home, sometimes I remember work being easier
No one thinks that stay at home mums are lazy...at least, I really hope they don't! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 13 July 2011 at 1:20pm
I hope not either - working is a doddle compared to being a stay at home Mum. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Isabella
Date Posted: 13 July 2011 at 3:49pm
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I think there is a lot of judging both ways - Some people give you nasty looks/comments when you say you are going back to work as well as when you say you are going to be a full-time mum!
I dont know, I just think there is a part of me which is enriched and proud of my career achievements. I like that there are 2 aspects to me, the mum and the vet (oh and the wife haha).. It really is so personal and I get opinions on being there 24/7 for your kiddies... but I also completely understand those that can have those "two parts". I know that if I was to SAH with DD and not return to work I would always wonder "what if"... Also when she moves out of home (to go to university ) at 18 the working part of me can come more to the forefront and I wont be completely lost! Dont get me wrong - being a mum is always my most important job and will ALWAYS come first.
I have just seen my mum go through this after SAH with us for 20 years - she is now finding it impossible to get a job in what she was doing before she had me.. Unfortunately 20 years of SAHM experience probably doesnt get put on the top of the CV pile 
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