Relationship after baby
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Topic: Relationship after baby
Posted By: snugglebug
Subject: Relationship after baby
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 3:07pm
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Sorry if there's been a thread like this before but it's a question I really want to ask.
When you had your first baby, how did your relationship change/get affected with DH/DF/DP, if it did at all? We had been married for 2 years when we had our bub. He was totally planned, and very much wanted to create our own little family. We have always had a good relationship, open and honest with the only silly fights usually being about money or inlaws, I don't know many people who don't fight about those things sometimes. All in all we had the kind of relationship where people said we were perfect for eachother, so well suited, etc etc and if you ever picked which couple in our group would have problems, it wouldn't have been us. We did pretty much everything together and were so in synch with opinions, values etc. Love of my life basically. Anyway, I feel like having a baby, even a completely planned baby, has turned our relationship inside out. We had a difficult first few months with DH getting his job changed at work without him wanting that and with me getting PND and baby having reflux as well. We also had to move house and endure open homes while the place we were renting got sold. Money was pretty tight. And we had trouble with family members on both sides. So stresses from every direction pretty much. Neither of us cope particularly well with stress or pressure and so we went through a rough time of fighting a lot, and taking our stresses out on eachother. As a result my DH just shut down as if he gets overwhelmed he just doesn't want to deal with it, and he withdrew from everything. It culminated in a pretty much this has to change or I'm leaving scenario. We worked through some things, each getting advice and soem help from GP etc and for quite a few months everything was going a lot better. But recently things have been tense again because of issues between my DH and my mother about her interfering, which is a huge thing for him. There seems to be so much more conflict now that we have a baby even though we love him to pieces and we don't want to split up at all. But we keep fighting over silly things then having to patch things up all the time, and it's stressful. I feel like somewhere in all the stress and tension and busy life of having a baby we lost sight of us as a couple and loving eachother and I feel like we can't take back what's happened and all the hurt there and we're struggling to move forward from it and leave it behind, as it keeps coming back to haunt us. So my question really is did you find in difficult with your relationship in the first year? Adjusting to your new roles and still trying to be a mother and wife as well? Did it get better? How did you make it work? Thanks ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 3:27pm
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Hey, I think it's completely normal and no matter how much a baby is wanted, planned, unplanned. It really affects a relationship as you can prepare yourself for a baby but it's a big change for most couples imo.
For us things were great! We had a few bumps in the beginning with my DP trying to cut my mum out as she smoked and he didn't like her driving yet refused to see that his parents weren't any better... We got past that... But things really changed... DP was gone most of the day while I stayed home with the baby and he honestly thought my time at home meant sitting on the couch which is what his time involved so he didn't understand why I was so tired and cranky 24/7. He knew I was getting up every 2 hours during the night but he didn't register it as he slept through it all. Again, we worked through it and he now realises. Basically took a lot of talking which we both lack the communication! We're the sort of couple that will happily sit in a room with each other and be content not talking.  So to suddenly have to open up about what we were feeling, thinking, etc was quite hard!
We did discuss separating but we both loved DD very much and decided to really make it work and things are working so much better! Another issue for us was DP was unsure what a father was... He had his dad growing up but his dad didn't help out and so he was unsure what his role was... For the first year I pretty much bathed, fed, put DD to sleep, etc everything. We had a serious talk about that when he would come home and go straight to his 'room'study/computer and get upset that DD was 'misbehaving' when all it was that she was so excited to see him but he would walk right past her and that upset her and he quickly learned that if he spent some time with her during the week she was so much happier! We've been pretty lucky that our family isn't interfering but we are only 20 and for the first year we lived with my mum, the last 3 months DP has been at his parents place while I had an operation and the last 3 months DD and I have been at a mix of his parents place and the last month back at my mums. We're moving into our own rental on Friday though and again that will be another test in our relationship as we haven't actually lived alone together yet!
But we've spent so much time and effort working on everything that I am sure it will be fine. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 4:13pm
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Let me start by answering some of your last questions.
Did it get better? Yes definately. We are a lot stronger now than we have been before kids. How did you make it work? Sometimes we had to take certain days minute by minute and other days was great again. Okay now for the beginning and my story. We had a hard time concieving as we kept on having miscarriages and we lost our honeymoon baby first. We had some family issues on both sides. Started with our wedding. We didnt ended up getting married the way we wanted with family interfering so we got married in an office with none of our families there. (due to all sorts on both sides). But we were strong through that. Had on and off moments but we had each other. When I got pregnant with McKayla (we had some issues with the pregnancy due to me being on bedrest, lost the twin) But once again we had each other. Once she was here it was really nice in the beginning. He took a month off. He insisted on doing the bathing part so he could have one things that was him and her (and I think it is very important to have that one part that they feel completely in control off). But baby things took over. (and that is natural) We had less time for ourselves and for each other. We were lucky in the regard that McKayla was a very easy baby. The moving countries took more of a toll on us. I literally got so close to telling him I will take McKayla and go back to SA and once you sorted everything out here I will come back. But I remember my Dad telling me that I need to be patient and this is when he will need me to be strong. After a year birthday came it slowly got better without realising. We were still a strong team but we were starting to find time with each other again. McKayla would go to bed a bit earlier and we got a few minutes here and there. Same when she turned 2 and we felt like we were really had some quality time together just the two of us when she was 2 and a half. It went a bit of a downward spiral with another pregnancy. I was sick through out. And once Andrew was here his MIL stayed with us for 5 weeks (2 before and 3 after). He only had 2 weeks leave this time and he backed off a bit to allow his mother time to spent with baby and it really did my head in. I felt that alone time we got as a family wasnt there this time. I got very close to having PND as I felt like everything was on me. Andrew was a lot more "difficult" than McKayla. We had silent reflux and he would scream as if I thought he had colic. For a few months there we were up for several times a night (12 to 16 times). And I was sleep deprived. It was only once we sorted allergy issues out with Andrew that things calmed down. But this time around I never thought about leaving or what this or what that. It definately gets better. This time it did again at 1 year and we are a month away from 2 and it is a lot better than last year. For me I think the key is time. You have this little one that takes so much of your energy that you dont have time for yourself or for anyone else. They start feeling left out and instead of talking about the real issues there is lots of little fights over nothing but it is constant. And that time you need to just breath and just be with your partner is not there anymore. My advise: Take time out for yourself and for him. If need be organise someone to look after bubs once a month for 2 hours or so and spent that time one on one with him. Be easy on yourself and him and try to look out for all the postives and start complementing him on that. It really does get easier but that first year is very very hard. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 4:26pm
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You sound very similar to us. We'd been married for 4 years and together for 10 before DD arrived (also very much planned and wanted) and in that time survived several *difficult* situations easily - the kind of things that break other couples up all the time (long distance, high stress jobs etc).
So when DD was a refluxer with persistent ear troubles who not only never slept, but only stopped screaming when being held by me if I was walking around and even then, not reliably it wasn't so hard initially. I was exhausted as hell (this lasted for the whole first year) but DH was amazing. Yes, we'd sometimes have screaming matches in the middle of the night cos we were so tired and cranky and we couldn't yell at the baby that was driving us insane but we'd make up pretty quickly and sincerely. DD's ear problems were fixed at 12 months, and the improvement was so amazing that we decided to TTC#2. Two weeks later we were pregnant, and tbh, adding those mental hormones into the mix wasn't the smartest idea! DD still wakes a lot in the night and I'm still exhausted and it's not helped by the fact that she wants me over DH every time again (after being happy to have him get up to her for a couple of months). I think, eventually life wore us down. Truthfully the last couple of months or so we've been at that "fight over nothing, all the time" stage and so much of that awesome tenderness that we've had for so long seemed to have gone. So I'd say it's perfectly normal, and more so with difficult babies! This last week has been awesome though. I did some soul searching when I was out with DD one day and realised that I've been a bit selfish in that I'm so wrapped up in surviving the hell DD can put me through for myself, that I'm forgetting that just because I probably have it harder, it's still HARD for DH too. As long as I remember to see it from his side as well (I mean, his happy, energetic, loving wife has been replaced with a cranky, rotund/slow/hormonal stranger he hardly sees and who takes frustration that really is aimed at the trying toddler out on him; on top of that he's exhausted from keeping the fire going in the night, getting up to help me whenever I ask him to, working full time and trying desperately to take care of us all). It's not an easy task, parenting, for either parent! If I can remember to see it from his side (rather than feeling like the wronged party) then it's easy to see that he's awesome and to love him as much and as easily as I ever did. I dunno if that's any help, and I'm not saying that this is all your fault or anything like that, but it's been a bit of an epiphany for me to see this past 18 months from his perspective. And it's so so so good to feel like I'm part of *that* couple again. I  my DH.
I hope things improve for you soon.  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 5:51pm
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Agree, T-rex, for my partner and I it was a lot of stepping into the other's shoes and seeing it from their point of view etc. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 7:29pm
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Yep the first year is sh*t.....as much as you don't think life will change, it does, your relationship changes, you become less of you & more of mother....you need to remember the couple you were & make time for that.
When I had the second baby, even though I went through 20 months of hell sleep, I made sure that I was there for him too & didn't withdraw from him as a lover/partner, this doesn't mean having sex all the time it means kisses & cuddles & smiles. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 8:09pm
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I come from a totally different side of the fence so to speak in that DH and I did not survive the first year and he's now ex DH.
Firstly, a bit of background. ExDH and I had been together for 5 years before we got married and we had been married for 3.5years when we had DD. We had had niggly issues before having DD - mostly money and not spending enough time together - but I thought we had sorted things out. DD was totally planned but we got pregnant the first month we started TTC which was a bit of a shock for both of us. The ex had some issues with his job while I was pregnant which lead to more money problems and we had to take on a flatmate. I think now, with the benfit of hindsight, he was depressed. He freaked out about what kind of father he would be as his Dad left when he was 4 and he didn't have much of a relationship with him as a kid. And he freaked about being the provider as well I think. DD was prem and from the start things were not easy. She screamed all the time (reflux baby) and for 3 months she did not sleep for more than an hour at a time day or night. She would sleep max 4 hours a night, usually in a routine 1hr sleep, 1hr feed/scream/feed/scream/feed/scream, 1 hr rocking screaming baby or pacing the floor while I tried to get her to sleep, 1 hr sleep etc etc. ExDH just withdrew and fell apart, was no help and did nothing except work and sleep, and that made me incredibly angry. He was tired all the time and yet it was me gettting up all night. He moved out of our room and slept at the other end of the house to get away from the noise. We started at councelling when DD was 14 weeks old and went for 4 months to try and sort things out. Things improved for a time but as soon as we stopped councelling things got worse again. Unfortunately I went back to work in May when DD was 5 months old and DD was incredibly sick all of that winter and ended up in hospital 4 times. Between the ages of 5 and 11 months old she spent a total of 3 days being 100% well, she got bronchiolitis something like 17 times! ExDH never visited her in hospital the first 3 times we were there (he was "too tired" or "not feeling well") and I was worn out with working and looking after a sick child, often up most of the night for weeks on end. By the time DD was 11 months old I had had enough of his behaviour and asked for a trial separation. As time went on after we separated I realised it was a toxic relationship and as much as we both loved DD neither of us wanted to get back together. So, after that long winded story, here are the answers to your question:
In hindsight my relationship with him didn't really change, having a baby just highlighted the issues we had and made them much much much worse. He was jealous of the attention I gave DD. It was a vicious cycle where she was sick and got all my focus and he didn't get as much attention as he had before so withdrew and I got angry and gave him less attention etc etc. ExDH didn't know how to be a supportive husband or a father because of his family background, and really couldn't be bothered putting any effort in to learn. I thought he would change when we had a baby, and in fact he just pretty much threw up his hands and said it was all too hard and gave up completely. I think most people go through relationship issues after having a baby. Ours were a bit different in that we didn't have a strong relationship to start with. We worked on it with councelling and also gave councelling a go after we separated and we just couldn't move past our issues. The problems we had were not created when we had DD, they were always there but the pressure of having a new baby combined with the fact that she was sick all the time just pulled us apart. Whew - sorry for the novel. I hope you and your DH sort things out. I think one of the keys to sorting things out is good communication. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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wiggly_jiggly wrote:Posted By: Nikki
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 8:15pm
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Yep our relationship changed, yep it got worse ... but yes it also does get better again! We are probably stronger as a couple now ... but neihter of us deal well with not enough sleep (and our kids are great sleepers, but you still get broken sleep some nights and no sleep ins!). There are extra stresses (financial, family, baby-issues etc) that we don't always deal with well. And all the parts of your life you give up (socialising, working out, disposable income etc). So we had some phases of arguing alot. I think its pretty normal!
I think every mum I have spoken to honestly about it went through that moment of "should we seperate, or can I just hang in there til bubs is a bit older". Ours started when Jake went into heart failure at 3wks and we were told he needed heart surgery. My perfect bub had a major defect = I was distraught. There was that stress plus the related sleep deprivation in hospital and feeling like I was the only one "living it" (I lived in at hospital while DH and family got to go home at the end of the day) then there were a few family issues too. DS was a great sleeper by 12wks (when he recovered) so that helped ....but I got pg again when he was 15mths, so I was working and pg (+anaemic) and had a very active toddler = exhausting! Then of course the financial pressure went back on DH and when DD was born he did ALOT more with DS so we were both busier == no time for us alone or as a couple. Without going on too much -- now that DD is almost 2 it is alot better! We each have the odd thing that we do for ourselves (DH working on his project car and me doing bootcamp) and we even get the odd night out. Really need to plan some more time for us alone. I have no idea how anyone can ever conceive a third child! haha. One of our main reasons for deciding against a third is we don't know if our relationship would cope!!! Seriously. ------------- DS (5yrs) and DD (3yrs) |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 8:18pm
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Alot of your situation sounds similar here too. We were the couple that people would never think we would have problems.
Unfortunately we let things get out of control so it dragged on for 12 mths before it peaked and nearly split us up. We got on a ride that was damn hard to get off! We saw a really really good counsellor recommended by friends and we also had a couple of really supportive friends. We knew we had to both work hard and stay together as a unit and not worry about anyone outside of the 3 of us. It was hard work but time does help. It can take time to adjust and both of us had to make more of an effort to be a couple again. Hope things get better for you both hun
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: ItchyFeet
Date Posted: 20 June 2011 at 9:08pm
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Looking back, I can't believe we're still together after the hell I put DH through. I often had to remind myself that we'd had a baby to become a bigger family, not so I could be a single mum. We refer to that time as my hormones taking over and it was not the "real" me acting in such a dreadful way. I was over tired, over stressed with feeding issues, and felt that DH wasn't there to support me when I needed it most. In retrospect, he was floundering himself, knowing I needed help, but didn't know how or what to do. I walked out several times, only because I needed the break, but if I hadn't had so much support from my parents (the people I least expected it from), our split would have been permanent. DH confided in my parents that he was at a loss with what to do, terrified he was losing both his wife and child, and he felt he could do nothing right. I really think he just needed someone to talk to rather than bottling it up. I've never told him that I found that out, but it helped to see his side when he was gaining experience as a new dad, but more slowly than I was as I was home full time with a baby. Change for us came slowly after about 3 months, when DH made the effort to transition from husband/part of a couple, to father/part of a family and things started to work out for me too, getting the real me back. I can't fault DH now, he's an excellent hands on Dad, and we know that together we can cope. Time was probably the big factor, as DS grew older and less dependent on me, I had more time to focus on me/us/DH. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 6:06am
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our marriage changed after having our first child, but only because of how dh's mother was behaving. She put so much strain on our marriage, but then dh never saw my POV so he stood up for her so i felt i had no support from him. I packed his bags once and told him to leave, but he didn't.... and 8 years on and 3 more children, we've never been happier. Moreso cos MIL mkvedd out of town for a fewe years which eased that pain in the a$$, but dh has also realised what she's like and supports me over her now.
I cannot stress though, how important communication is in relationships. And unfortunately it's the last thing we tend to do when times are tough. Of course you both have to work on things and if one isn't playing game then it can make things that much harder. I hope you guys can work through the patch cos it sounds like you can from how you were as a couple pre baby. Think of it as a phase, but it will get better.  ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 10:35am
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Wow - I almost could have written your post word for word wiggly_jiggly! We were always the couple that everyone wanted to be like cause we just got along like a house on fire. Did everything together etc etc but my gosh,DF and I were going to break up sooooooo many times during Isla's first year. Just the usual stuff...... you know, him not realising that being a Mum doesn't just involve me sitting on my a*se all day. I was forever getting the 'but I work hard all day, what do you do?' which drove me CRAZY cause we all know, as mothers, that it's not that easy. I tried talking to him but that never worked, he always thought I was just overreacting so I started writing my thoughts down into letters and would give them to him to ready as I was heading out the door somewhere, so he had time to think it over. Works a treat! We now get along FAR better and are getting married in 5 months. We still have our disagreements but it's mainly cause I'm back working part time as well as studying and then also have DD to look after (not to mention, planning the wedding!) so I get very cranky and stressed out and I do tend to wind DF up a but lol.
One thing that we have noticed has made a real difference is actually getting out and doing things together. Even if it's just going to feed the ducks at the park. For the first year, I was a real hermit. Got PND and my confidence took a huge nose dive so I just liked to stay at home, which is a real contrast to how I was pre-motherhood and DF hated it, cause we are both normally very social people. It will get better eventually hun -------------  
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 1:43pm
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it does seem that kids either make it or break it. We went through tough times and stumbled through, things got better then we had DS2. Things got worse again and then finally got some counselling, things got better and have stayed better.
I'd say its worth getting something like that now rather than later as the longer you go, the more resentment etc you build up!! If you both want to be married to each other and raise your son as your family then you can get through. But it does involve better communication and real honestly about what the REAL issues are. The stuff that pisses you off on a daily basis is just the symptoms, not the cause. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 9:25pm
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Thanks heaps for all your replies you have made me feel so much better knowing Im not alone in all of this and thankyou for taking the time to share your stories I really appreciate the honest replies.
We have been doing a LOT of talking and a lot of soul searching, and my DH has been writing emails or texts to me which helps as he finds it hard to say how he feels when put on the spot, he needs time to consider it. That's been really helpful as I have a chance to really consider his point of view without anger or defensiveness getting in the way. As disagreements have always been hard with us as Im quite good at thinking on the spot and coming up with things in fights whereas he gets overwhelmed and just shuts down and gets mad, then eventually walks away which makes me mad. So Im working on giving him space to think about what I've said and then come back to me when he's ready to talk. I have also had a huge discussion with my Mum about some things she was doing to upset him which wasn't easy and wasn't taken that well but she has accepted it so hopefully that is a step forward too, as his anger towards her interfereing and disregarding his opinions when it comes to raising baby causes a huge problem for us too. I definitely agree that the stress of all of this has probably bought out some issues that have needed to be dealt with for a while. But the fact that we are working together to see how we can solve it and we are talking lots about it is a good thing I hope. We are still managing to laugh joke and smile and enjoy eachothers company when things are good. I have booked us a lunch out in a few weeks time as well and Mum is going to have the baby, that will be our first 'date' since having him so I am hoping that will give us a chance to reconnect as a couple as well. I definitely have faith we can get there, moreso after reading all your replies so I am really grateful, as my Mum tends to act like its such a huge thing that we are having some problems. We have also considered seeing a couples counsellor as mentioned above to try and work through it as well, but I feel positive that the lines of communication are still open so we shall see how we go and we will do that if needed. I keep looking at my son and reminding myself of all the things I wanted for him before he was born, a happy stable home life, parents who love him, and all the opportunities in the world that he can have, so if I lose sight I just gotta keep looking at him. And I think the most importan healer will be time- I think we need to take some time to actually get over all the things that have happened and move on. ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 9:34pm
Agree and nicely said ------------- http://lilypie.com">
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 1:49pm
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That is great wiggly_jiggly. I don't know many long term relationships with kids that have not been through some dark days. If you ask anyone who's been married for 50 years i bet they'll tell you the same. It's not fair of your mum to get in amongst it and good on you for taking hubby's side with her.
Enjoy your date and plan more!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: weeheebaby
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 9:40pm
This - totally! If you can, try and do some thing like you used to do (that you loved). We've taken to doing movie dates during the week where we get a DVD from the library at the weekend and watch it later in the week ($2 for a week at ours and an amazing selection of DVDs to choose from) - just sitting and being together (and sometimes make yourself [if you can] watch something that he would love) Another great tip I heard during the week (for the times you are mad/sad/distressed/not sure) find a picture of the two of you that you really love and spend the day thinking about why/when/how you fell in love in the first place (it made me a whole lot lesspeeved at my DH) [we've struggled a little with having a new baby in the house too, i think my hormones are completely out of whack) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: weeheebaby
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 9:43pm
oh and another thing (don't know why i just thought of it now as it's his night tonight). DH has man time with another male friend of his on a regular basis. They meet each Wednesday night to just talk things through etc etc Kind of like a mentoring situation. Do you think your DH would have someone like that he could take time out to chat with? (females seem to be great at this  )------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 2:18pm
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It's been great reading through this post because often I think my relationship is not the best....that we bicker, have big arguements, lack communication at times, that DF feels at times that DS is my whole life (which of course he is lol), feelings of neglect on both parts.....working through the issues, and everyone being happy again....til the next time lol. I would think...I'm sure relationships are not suppose to be like this, maybe we should move on from each other. But we have good times as well and we love each other. We try and have regular family days..probably could do with more couple days. What's the best is that I now know that I'm not alone, that our relationship isn't the only one that's like this.....and that its normal!! phew!! I definitely need to see things from DF's POV, and should comment him a lot more for all he does. Anyway just wanted to thank you all for sharing and showing me that its normal. ------------- 
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Posted By: Nikki
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 6:00pm
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Ditto Eva!! Especially the bickering!!! ------------- DS (5yrs) and DD (3yrs) |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 7:30pm
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Ohh yes, family days are awesome. Just hanging out at the park or whatever, watching DD together. Something like the park is good cos it's fun for us too, but also it keeps her busy with something other than me so DH gets a bit more of my attention.
She has a new trick this week of taking DH over to me if I'm sitting down and then instructing him to sit beside me and then climbing up on our laps and pulling our heads together and insisting we kiss each other. She follows it up with a kiss from her to each of us. Super cute, and probably good for us too! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 9:27pm
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That is veeeeeery cute lolz. -------------
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 10:04pm
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Im glad I was able to help other people by posting this and in turn you guys have helped me a lot
Weehee, yeah I definitely think he needs a guy to talk to as he often says he feels like he can't talk to me about things to do with my Mum for example, as I'll just get on the defensive, that he needs to talk to someone not so emotionally involved. He's close with my brother in law so I might encourage him to have more talks with him- they hang out on weekends more these days and that has been good for DH to have a bit of boy time. But he doesn't have any friends who have got kids so that's been hard for him too. They need mens coffee groups, lol ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 10:54am
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Right, my turn now
Ok, so I think DP & I, just manage to get by. I have 1 child from a previous relationship, which is always an extra strain on a relationship(well it is in this case) DP used to be great towards my older DD(the one from previous relationship) But over time, especially from about mid pregnancy with now 17 months old DD, he changed towards older DD. And things kept getting worse, they still aren't good. He often treats my DD like sh*t, yells at her, has no tolerance for her and see's no good in her. At several point in the last year and a bit, I have seriously wanted to leave DP and I know people would totally understand why. What he doesn't seem to get, is, if he upsets her, rejects her and is constantly having a go at her, that hurts me. As she was my #1 for years, until I met him when she was 3 1/2. And damn it is hard, when your DP goes from being an awesome father figure to your child, to being quite a prick. After having DD#2(our daughter together) I got really bad PND and DP felt like he was nothing to me and that I was very distant and cold towards him. Which I only know, because he told this to relationship counsellor. It would be realistic to say, he was right, about me becoming cold and distant. I also had trouble bonding with my older DD when I developed PND. So MMH(maternal mental health) weren't as helpful with me as the could've been, as I had no issue bonding with DD#2. Seems like older DD and DP bore the brunt of my moods and PND. I very much rejected them both. Financial stress always made things way worse and tensions rose and both DP & I probably honestly, took our frustrations out on older DD. At times, I was so anti older DD I would want to adopt her out or just have someone else take her off my hands. Sometimes when I am at my most stressed, I want to just leave them all behind and start a new life. But that's me just running away from responsibility and not wanting to deal with things when they get hard. That used to be my pattern you see. I used to self-sabotage a lot. The affection/intimacy barely exists these days. Can't even remember what it was like before DD#2. But that is hard. Also, it seems I only get affection in bed, when DP wants you know what. So that makes me a bit anti you know what. Relationship counselling started to help, but then we ran out of funding through family court for that. Though, it didn't help with regards to DP and my DD. One thing the relationship counsellor said, that I felt was very true and relevant was, that he needs to say he appreciates me and express his feelings, physically and verbally, especially around the girls. As if he doesn't show this, then they will grow up, with no idea, what a decent man should be like or act like, and this potentially being a very bad thing, as then they as adults, will not know how to make good choices necessarily, when looking for a man. It is so true and relevant for me, as my Dad died when I was 2 yrs old and I had nothing to go by, therefore, making some really bad choices before finally making a good one. It just sux the counselling ran out, as I feel we need some more, but we can't afford to pay for it. DP & I certainly do love each other. But his parents are no kind of example of how to treat a partner and I am his first relationship, so he's had no experience to learn from, which always makes for harder work, relationship wise. His parents are very narcissistic. And though, I would most likely want to marry DP one day, I certainly don't want to be part of his side of the family, which thankfully he gets, as he understands that they are quite nasty and unpleasant. Financial stress and my depression, do naturally put a lot of strain on our relationship, as does having a DD from a previous relationship and add to that, that she is developmentally delayed and can at times be quite challenging. Sux we've not had a diagnoses yet though, still on the waiting list  Because, at least if we knew what was up with her, we could try and work with that. I have done a parenting course, which has helped, a lot. DP is due to do the same one, starting next month. So I am hoping that will help him with understanding my DD and working with me, instead of against me. He's very good at teling me what I should be doing with her, but not applying it himself 
So, I really don't like DP's parents. They also treat my DD like an inconvenience and like she can do no right. Which upsets me a lot. Plus, they are very un-involved grandparents, considering this is their first granddaughter and they so wanted a granddaughter. So, the getting time as a couple, just doesn't happen. As they hardly ever see their granddaughter and are unwilling to look after both the girls. Though thankfully my DD's grandparents on her Dad's side do take her at least 2 times a month. Her Dad on the other hand, he's got issues. He was really good at spending time with her, for a good few months, after being slack as hell for all the other 7 yrs. But now, he's not seen her for 2 months, as he told me he's in love with me and I rejected him. Like hello, he knows I'm happy, what did he think would happen?! Just sux his DD misses out on him, because of his immaturity. So, yeah, our relationship isn't that easy. And it was so hard with the new family dynamics when our DD came along, for both of us. Especially for me. As I was used to it being DD & I, for 3 1/2 yrs, so doing the solo parent thing for a while and then when I had to work around a new baby and a relationship, that, I was not familiar with, so that was quite an adjustment for me. So, that is my story. Still working at this relationship, 17 months later. -------------   
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:10pm
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I totally get where you are coming from with your partner not appreciating your DD1. I've just come out of a 9 month relationship with a man who was not DD's father and one of the problems we had was his idea of what a child should be like and what she was like were quite different. Its not easy being in a relationship where your partner is not the biological parent of the child
I also wanted to say that I think if you wait a while from when you first went to councelling that you can apply again for another 6 sessions. The ex and I ended up having three sets of 6 sessions, one lot when DD was 4 months old, then again when she was 11 months old and we were splitting, and then again when she was about 18 months old to try and sort the custody out. Might be worth applying again and seeing if you can have some more if you thought it helped? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 10:20pm
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How long did you have to wait to apply for some more?
I asked counsellor about reapplying, once session ended. She said she'd try, but it's rare they give you more. Maybe they aren't as giving in Wellington. -------------
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 8:53pm
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Hmm, maybe its coz we split up that we got more? And the third lot was court ordered coz they weren't happy we couldn't sort out the custody between ourselves.
There was approx 7 months between the first lot and the second lot and about that again between the second lot and the third lot. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: 09_mrs
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 12:07pm
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We had a pretty difficult first three months with our DS and yip our relationship suffered. Our DS was another terrible sleeper and I got diagnosed with PND when he was 2 months old.
Most of my DH's issues were centred around my Mum. She used to be a midwife and has helped my sister out with her two DD's and she pretty much lived with us for the first three months. I really needed Mum, she was really great support, and I was an anxious new mum that was completely exhausted. From my DH's point of view he found it really hard to all of a sudden loose his personal space, by having my Mum there with us. He struggled with the new role of fatherhood, especially because my Mum had a lot of experience with babies, and our DS was better with my Mum than with him. He thought our DS hated him because DH would get home from work at the end of the day and DS would cry pretty much all evening until we could get him to sleep. He was adamant that there was something 'wrong' with our son and that I was being stupid for not seeking medications or something to make him right. I guess he just wanted to be able to make our DS happy but it wasn’t happening. He told me that during the day at work he would be thinking about how my Mum was trying to undermine and get rid of him. That all he wanted was for us to just spend some time together as a couple and as a family. It got to the point where my DH couldn't even come in the house when my Mum was there and he couldn't look her in the eye. We also had my DH take care of bath time, so that was his job etc. He felt like he was surplus to requirement because all he had to do was work and give DS a bath at night. My Mum would make the dinner, do the dishes etc so I guess he felt completely redundant. He didn’t want to come home from work at night and spent as little time at home at possible. Things got better for us once I was diagnosed with PND and went on AD's, when our DS's sleep dramatically improved at about 3 months, when my Mum went home and just came during the day when my DH was at work and when I got a referral to a councillor through my GP (The first time I went by myself but the other two my DH went as well and it was a great help). I think this has definitely made our relationship stronger, we’ve been together for 11 years, married for 2, although I’m only 26 and DH is 28. I think time has been the best healer, and communication. It wasn’t until my DH broke down in tears (on numerous occasions, it was that bad for him) and told me how he was actually feeling rather than stewing it all up inside, that I could understand how it was for him. I would definitely recommend counselling as well. We still don’t get much couple time together, apart from at night when DS has gone to bed, but we try and do lots together as a family. So yip it has been tough, but I think it has made our relationship stronger, and our DS is so completely totally worth it. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 3:02pm
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09_mrs Im really glad that you shared that as my Mum's conflict with DH has been a huge issue for us. She is very involved as she lives 5 mins away and she is always telling me what to do and putting down DH's opinions. Got to the point where he thought she was trying to get rid of him as well.... I have had some big talks with my Mum and am trying to set more boundaries and stick to them so Im glad to hear you guys got through a similar thing :) Im starting to feel like in time, all the communcating and sorting out we have had to do through this will make us a stronger and better couple. ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: 09_mrs
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 4:12pm
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Cool wiggly_jiggly, I'm glad it was relevant for you :) Some really good advice my MIL gave me was to just work out what is best for you as a family, and what is going to work for you. For us that was relying less on my Mum so that DH got a chance to be more involved, even if it was having to wash nappies, dishes, cook dinner etc.
Best of luck with everything  I'm sure it will be all good !!!
Edited to add, it has been really hard as I'm a bit 'strong willed' but it's good to let DH make some decisions about DS as well. Just little things but they make all the difference to the old man ego ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 5:01pm
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Hehe I so know what you mean, I tend to just make all the decisions and disregard DH's opinion which is not good, so Im trying to let him have more say in things and one on one time with the baby without me. I agree, we just have to set boundaries and I am doing more housework for sure telling Mum to hang back a bit more, but its worth it for a happier DH ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 11 December 2011 at 10:59pm
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I have come back to look at this thread for all the good advice as Im feeling pretty frustrated again.
To update after posting this DH and I did a lot of work on our communicating and things were going really well, he stepped up more and has become a much better father and husband and I have really appreciated all of that, he has been helping so much more and a lot of what I got angry at him for eg not helping, has no longer been an issue, we feel much more like a team in parenting. We were getting along better too and starting to feel more like a couple instead of partners in parenting this child if that makes sense. However recently we've taken another very difficult hit. There was a big blow up not so long ago between my Mum and DH. Without going into specifics it was regarding the way he feels about her interfering and being too involved in things and disregarding him, and she of course is very hurt as she helps a lot both with time and financially so she finds it hard to understand. I have been the middle man and I see how he feels and I see how she feels and it has been very tough. So currently my parents are not seeing/speaking with DH, and he wants a break from them too, so it's been very difficult. It may all work out for the best as it's forced us to once and for all confront this issue head on, which we have needed to do for a long time, and my parents have pretty much said they are going to but out and have little involvement in how our lives run, so it could work out quite well in the end. But the problem is it has caused SO much tension between me and DH. Im upset that he has appeared ungrateful to my parents and upset that at times, I feel like I don't know him very well. Since we had a baby and all these stresses in our lives, he's changed quite a lot. He's always been a very passive, friendly, easy going guy but these days he shows his anger a lot more, can be quite frustrating, stubborn and unreasonable at times. He is hard to get through to and quite self centered when it comes to these sorts of things. He was the kind of person that bottled all his feelings up and just ignored things, for years and years, and I feel like now its just blown u pand all the anger/hurt has just spilled over and changed him a bit. I feel confused. Because I find it so hard to remember why we are together at times because there's always so much tension and problems. But then, when things are ok and we laugh a lot and enjoy our time together, I do remember. But I feel like it's so different to the beginning/before baby, that over time the love changes or something, that you become more like friends and partners/companions in life than anything else. Maybe it's because we've had so much tension this year I find it hard to see him in that romantic way because sometimes I feel so much anger and upset towards him? I don't know if this is making any sense. I just want to look at him and feel happy like I used to instead of feeling hurt/angry/upset/confused. I think we need some counselling and also some time to get past all this stuff, and I know we can, we are both committed to it and we have both tried very hard this year to change some things and are commited to keep on doing that, because we love our son SO much but also because we want to be more than this for our son, we don't just want to be together because of him, we want to be together as a happy family who all love eachother. I just am unsure how to find that all again... Maybe the fact Im even asking that question is not good? Or maybe it means I care enough to ask it? I have no idea. Sorry if this is very confusing it is written at a weak moment ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Lucky apple
Date Posted: 12 December 2011 at 1:38pm
...not confusing at all. Well written & clear :-) Of the two questions you've written that I've quoted, I think that I believe the second one "maybe it means I care enough to ask"....and what to do?....well...I think you've got a good idea in the first sentence of your paragraph I've quoted....counselling might be helpful! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 12 December 2011 at 3:12pm
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Sometimes I think having a third party who isn't involved ie: counsellor can help iron things out as they're able to look at the situation constructively.
My relationship with DH has changed and there are some days where all I feel like is Mum and Dad, and the trouble lies in that if he helped me more as a parent I'd feel a lot more romantic towards him as a wife. I also get very frustrated at what he does with DD at times, on one hand I'm glad he's spending time with her on the other I can't help trying to get him to do things differently. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 12 December 2011 at 7:15pm
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Interesting one for me - I've recently had a blow out with DH's folks as well.
I'm sure they are feeling much as your folks are feeling - that they have contributed to our lives to far and we are "throwing it back in their face". Actually, IMO we are standing up for our daughter and putting her needs above their idealised view of what grandparenting would involve. They have cut us absolutely no slack whatsoever for having a chronically ill, non-sleeping daughter. The details are irrelevant, but it sounds fairly similar. I've been trying really hard to give DH some leeway because it must be horrible stuck in the middle (so thanks for your perspective on that), but it's also rather horrible to discover that these people who've been very nice to me to date, suddenly ready to attack me for not following their rules. Truthfully it also makes me wary of DH's parenting suggestions - I know how much I draw on my own experience of being parented, and tbh right now I don't think much of how he was/is parented so I know I'm wary of letting him develop the same parenting style. I dunno where I'm going with this, but just wanted to say it's pretty crappy place to be the one rejected by the inlaws too - especially when it's basically just for standing up for yourself and your right to parent your children as you see fit. Every time we disagree over something now, I'm afraid he's looking at me in the same way his parents do, and hearing their criticisms of me in his head. It's not nice, even though for the most part we are still a pretty solid couple - just not seeing a whole lot of each other with 2 non-sleeping kids! I'll be curious to hear others responses. Sorry I can't offer much more myself. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: mrsmum
Date Posted: 17 January 2012 at 10:26pm
| I'm so glad to read this and find out I'm not the only one, since our daughter was born - I have been so irritable and we are arguing over such insignificant things. |