Is your’s a blended family?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39575
Printed Date: 29 August 2025 at 6:35pm
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Topic: Is your’s a blended family?
Posted By: nathansmummy
Subject: Is your’s a blended family?
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 11:52am
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I have had both men and women tell me that men would not be interested in me because I have a little toddler (I am a single mother). Just wondered how many of you out there are currently with a partner that is not the biological father to at least one of your children - or if you have a blended family - ie. his kids and your kids etc.??
One woman even suggested that mothers with young children should wait until they're grown to date because then we'd have more time to give to dating and to a relationship (she was not a mother). Thoughts?? |
Replies:
Posted By: LILLIS
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 12:42pm
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Well I totally disagree, I have been with my current partner for 10 years, we started dating when DD1 was 6 - and had our first child together last year.
It can be done, I guess it depends on the guy and if you are both prepared to make it work - it is harder with children but not impossible. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 12:58pm
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My SIL has had that problem. She has been separated since her kids were 1 and 5 and been single most of that time, and the kids are now 6 and 10! She has found it difficult to find a man who will take on the whole package especially when they don't have kids themselves. It's not impossible but certainly sounds a lot harder.
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 1:39pm
well im sure you have heard my story before nathansmummy as im a regular in single parenting too but mines a good story with a happy ending When i was pregnant my boyfriend at the time and i broke up , he was not a nice person and cheated and basically ran away from me and bubs , all good tho , im stronger for it now! . when dd was just 4 months old i met my current dp and we have been together over a yr and a half and we are very very happy and very much inlove . my dd (who is now coming up 2 ) calls him a combination of daddy and sometimes calls him his name too as i dont want to force anything on her so have given her the choice . My dp also has a 6yr old daughter and we have shared custody of her and have her half the time so both our dd's are very close and act like sisters even tho biologicaly they are not . we are happy with our 2 and at this stage, we do not want anymore children (altho we are only 25&26 so may change in some years to come ) eventho we do not share a child together does not mean we love each other any less or treat our existing kids any different . Blending a family is very hard at times but it can definatly be done! dont let others tell you that you wont find a man or that you should wait until your child is older , in my case i think things worked out alot better that i met my dp when dd was so young as she does not know any different and in her eyes he is dad . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 1:42pm
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Oh that is such bull it can work bloody rude people putting there two cents in rude as ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 1:54pm
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Thanks Julz I needed that!! That's the kind of situation I would love and would be happy to not have any more children on the basis that I gain someone else's - ideally. I'd like a family for my little boy - he loves children, both older and younger.
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Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 2:10pm
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Don't listen to those that say it can't be done, there are plenty of success stories out there.
My Mum & Dad separated when I was 3, my sister 1 and brother 5. Mum met a lovely man, who had a 7yo daughter and 5yo son, they got married 2 years later and 23 years on are happier than ever. Sure it wasn't easy, but if you are prepared to put in the hard yards it is definetly doable. Someone else I know of found a new man, who had no children of his own, he treats her son as if he were his own, they are in there early 20's, but seem very much in love and as happy as. -------------  
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Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 2:40pm
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DS1 was 21 months when I met current DP, hes 7.5 now, you do the maths lol... We now have 2 together as well as my one, and hes better at being a dad to my oldest than his bio dad is, I think it helped that it took a few years to have his own child, so he had that time to bond with DS1
My only advice would be to not introduce anyone to your toddler until you are both comfortable, but also make it clear to any guys that your child comes first. ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: Mikki
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 2:46pm
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My husband and I have one child together, but I am also a stepmum for his 3 children, we recently gained full custody of his 3 children after their mother moved to christchurch with her new family. I love my stepkids to bits and consider them my own, even though I know they have their own mum.
Their mum found a new man and they now have 3 kids of their own. It can be done, and just remember that you and your child are a package, and if someone truely wants to be with you, they will accept you and your child. It is hard when the other person does not have kids already, but as long as you are up front and honest with them from the beginning as to whether or not you want more kids, then it will work out. I have been with my husband for 8 years now and our blended family is perfect. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: rachndean
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 3:04pm
It can definitely be done 
I separated from DD1s father when she was 5 months old. I met my [now DH] when DD was 11 months old and we started dating when she was 16 months old. We are now happily married with another 2 little monsters  , DD1 is 7.5
Keep your chin up hun, don't listen to the negativity. You will find an amazing partner  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD Savannah 18.01.04 DS Austin 04.09.08 |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 3:09pm
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My husband is the father of my 2 youngest,not my eldest,he met us when Caitlyn was 4 and a half.
He is her dad in every single way,except by blood,but in the end,what does blood count for? In her birthday card the other day he wrote "to my darling Caitlyn,happy birthday,I hope you have the best day. Remember no matter what you will always be my first child,I am so proud of you and I love you so much " The good guys are out there,they can just be hard to find ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: dneyn
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 3:12pm
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I just tried to post something to make you understand there are decent caring men out there! My husband is one of them, I had two children aged 3 & 5 when I meet him and he has taken them in as his own, he has raised them as their father for the past 6 years and now we have been married for 18months and have a child together.
Don't let anyone tell you that no one will want you, that's what my ex always use to say to me. You are a beautiful mum who will met the right man when they are ready to be your life ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
Master 11 Master 9 Master 1 |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 6:07pm
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Mine isn't but my friend does. She took on her husband with a child in tow (he was 2.5 years old when she and him got together). They have 2 children together, she is in every way his mother apart from blood. It does happen - look at all the good stories here. Don't listen to what your friends have said. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 6:35pm
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We have a blended family and ours hasn't worked out so well, although in this situation I am the step parent. IT is a very hard job. There is lots of give and take in a blended family and often the childless person feels like they are compromising alot and that can cause issues.
Lots of happy step parent stories out there but also lots of not so good. I think women with children may find it a bit easier than men, as I think it's "accepted" that women who have children put those children first and perhaps little interferring from the ex. Being "the new woman" has certainly had some very unplesant pitfalls as has being a parent figure to a child that isn't mine and one that I have no bond with. A friend of mine who is a single Mum once asked me "how can I make *new boyf* fall in love with *my daughter* and love her, regardless of how she behaves.. as a step parent you must know"...and unfortunately thats the thing..as a parent you love your child unconditionally regardless of some of their less pleasant attributes, unfortunately those rose colored glasses aren't given out to steps... That said it has its challenges but if you don't force them on each other and set the rules/boundries/expectations (for each of them) from early on things should be much easier. Its much easier if you are both reading off the same page IYGWIM? Lots of men won't get involved with a mum with a child, and thats a shame, but at least they are being upfront, not letting you met them, like them then have them dump you because they can't be bothered with some one elses child. Good luck!! There are plenty of good men out there! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 7:28pm
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In some ways maybe having a child will weed out some of the losers. If it's too hard for them then they are probably not worth the effort and wouldn't have been even without kids involved.
Just don't do what my mum did which is marry i man i had never met!! Still pissed off about that. I was 10. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 8:06pm
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I'm part of an extended blended family. My Dad re-married and so I've gained a brother and a sister, sister is married with 2 children cousins to my girl.
Brother's partner has 2 children from a previous relationship and one on the way. My brother is divorced and about to get remarried he has 2 children to his ex-wife and his new wife has one of her own. Families come in all shapes and sizes doesn't matter. Dh and I are unusual in that we waited till we were married before having DD and neither of us have been married before or have children from previous relationships. It seems a very old fashioned way to be. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: TheBabe
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 8:55pm
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My DH isn't the biological father of our oldest but hes his dad in every way that counts. We were already friends and after I left DS1s bio dad and my ex-husband (you know that story I think - domestic violence and stuff?) when DS1 was only a few weeks old my now DH stuck by us, protected us and provided for us even though we were only friends at that point. He adores DS1 and has started adoption proceedings now we're married. We had DS2 together last year but its never made the slightest bit of difference to DH and DS1s relationship.
I don't agree with putting your child first as such, I've always committed to putting DH first because thats where he should be and thats where he would be if DS1 was biologically both of ours, BUT I've always made it clear (not that I had to ) that me and DS1 were a package deal. You love me, you love my baby. You want me, you want my baby. No compromises!
Also my mum had me before meeting my (adopted) dad they have been together for over 25 years and have had more kids together, yet I'm the closest out of all of us to dad. My cousin also had a baby then met her DH and they have 3 more kids together but DD1 and him have a really special relationship. ------------- Formerly 'Babe' Mama to my beautiful, busy boys Jake 01-07-2007 Tyler 20-02-2010 |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 9:05pm
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Babe,what was the poem your dad wrote to you about being his daughter?you posted it once and I always loved it -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: cheekymouse
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 9:06pm
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I disagree with waiting till children are grown until you date. As you may know as i also frequent the single mums thread.
My current partner is not my son's biological father, and he had never really had much to do with children. He treats my son as if he was his own child, turns up with new toys, sits on the floor and plays and when we are both sick, puts my .son to bed and helps me out (note, we don't live together) Families definately come in all shapes and sizes. In my opinion, i think meeting people while they are younger would be better and less confusing for the children perhaps? My ex fiancee also had a son from a previous relationship and when we had him to stay i treated him as if he would have been my own. Till this day i still keep in contact with him (he is now my son's half brother) and love having him over to stay and play! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 9:13am
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aww the kelly you almost made me cry in public what a lucky wee girl you have ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 12:55pm
| Thank you for all the comments, it's made me feel a lot better - and more hopeful! |
Posted By: TheBabe
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 5:00pm
My darlingest daddy wrote this poem and put it in the births section of the paper when he adopted me: Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own! Now don't you forget it, No not for a minute - You weren't born under my heart but in it!  I had the honour and privilege of being chosen as a daughter by one of the most incredible men I have ever met, loved and nurtured and cherished every single day of my life! I got a valentines card every year til I got married and my dad is still my go-to guy whenever I need a cuddle or advice or a laugh (well whenever DH isn't available ). I'm just so blessed that I've found a man that actually measures up to him and in turn has taken on my baby as his very own. Hold out for the right guy Nathansmummy coz it is so worth it - for you AND your baby!------------- Formerly 'Babe' Mama to my beautiful, busy boys Jake 01-07-2007 Tyler 20-02-2010 |
TheKelly wrote:Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 6:04pm
| Nwaaaah thats gorgeous Babe. Hope, i have it! Not that i'm looking to date right now, DS is still a total time hog (wouldnt have it any other way) but at least i know i'm not permenantly screwed and doomed to live a long and lonely life! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 6:55pm
My Dad remarried when I was 35 and I found it confusing. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: dneyn
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 7:22pm
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C&J- lol, my mum was the same! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">
Master 11 Master 9 Master 1 |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 15 June 2011 at 8:23pm
| That is beautiful babe... wow what a special man !!!! I want one of those... |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 16 June 2011 at 11:50am
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I am(/was?) a single mama and never found it a problem to date guys or have boyfriends. Well, not to get dates... actually figuring out where to find a babysitter or find a family friendly way to spend time together was a little more difficult!!
But yeah, as lots of other people have said, it sorts out people that aren't worth your time. Not to say that it's easy though! I've now found a rad guy who I've been with for two years and who I'd like to stick with. He's the first guy that I've let take on some of the parenting responsibility. The other 2 (serious) boyfriends I've had, I wasn't prepared to let them have that sort of relationship with my daughter. I was still a single parent, even though I had a partner. Now I consider myself a co-parent. 
Anyway, it's an ongoing learning curve. This co-parent business is a lot different to the freedom of single parenting!! |