Who am I..??
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39339
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Topic: Who am I..??
Posted By: ChildsPlay
Subject: Who am I..??
Date Posted: 26 May 2011 at 11:43pm
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I feel lost.. I was having my usual evening shower tonight when I thought to myself - "I don't know who I am anymore"..!
I feel so ugly and invisable.. My hair is always pulled back in a ponytail - it looks dull, my skin looks like teenage skin all pimply and blurgh, my fingernails are uneven and splitting, toenails similar and chipped nailpolish, legs are hairy, skin dry as a lizard and I'm lost in a sea of trackpants and hoodies covered in pilling.. I look in the mirror and can't stand what's staring back at me.. I have barely enough time in the morning to brush my teeth let alone throw a hairbrush through my hair and put on some moisturiser.. I'm 32 years old in 2 weeks - I should be in my prime, I should look and feel fabulous and my poor DP shouldn't come home to someone who really hasn't made any effort to look better (sounds so old skool). I have no clothes in my wardrobe that represent who I am internally as a person. I live in tracksuits at the moment as I have a breastfed 5 week old but the rest is just not suitable for a 32 year old and really not what I want to wear - its stuff I've bought so I conform with society.. Apart from trackpants I have no winter clothes, no winter shoes and loads of stuff with stains and holes.. I'm always cold when I go out - feet freeze as I only ever buy jandals. I went to the shops with my mum last week and she offered to buy me a new cardi.. Found one I loved but when I got home I started to feel odd about my decision as I'm so used to wearing tracksuits 24/7 and haven't touched the cardi.. I want to feel like me again or at least the real me and feel alive.. I don't want to get lost any further or I'll never get out of my rut. I think all this came up from tonight.. I went to the shops in a very nasty old tracksuit and jandals and felt disgusting walking around New World. Prior to children I would never have done this. I felt almost invisable when my former self would get a look or two.. I felt like I shamed my DP who was standing next to me.. Felt like no one owned me.. I don't like this feeling - is this depression..? ------------- http://lilypie.com">   
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Replies:
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 12:59am
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I don't know, it could be??
But I so hear you....I was like that after my first. I then watched a program with women in trackies & slippers going to the supermarket & I though eewwww & then realised that was me!! I don't wear trackies, I only wear jeans, they make me feel a little more "Dressed up" I only put on jeans cause as much as I'd love to slouch around in trackies, I don't need to get changed if I want to go somewhere. My clothes don't represent who I am either but they look tidy. My hair is always pulled back in a pony tail & I wear glasses...my skin was crap & I made no effort, still do some days. But I try to cleanse/tone/moisterise my face, only takes 2 mins & in doing that my face has cleared up. My hair is still back in a pony tail but I got a bit of a side fringe cut so it's not so plain. The other thing I do is put on waterproof mascara cause then I don't ahve to worry about panda eyes. Don't get me started on my hairy legs! That's what trousers are for 
So I'm a bit like you too. Discover savemart...decent clothes at a decent price.
Hugs Hun...you are not alone ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 1:39am
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I agree with the above post from Kel. I'm still like that some days. I have an Au Pair at the moment and she spends hours getting ready showering, straightening her hair and putting her make up on. In the meantime, often I don't even look in the mirror and I'm lucky to get a shower because I'm a single mum with an 18mth old who gets up to mischief if I go out of the room to go to the loo!
Plus you have a newborn so you are kind of in survival mode at that stage - you really are suffering sleep deprivation and just managing to hang on really. Your energy is often consumed with caring for your newborn baby. In saying that - I have to say, I think you should probably watch for other signs of post-natal depression. Are you aware of what the symptoms are? Has your midwife given you an Edinburgh Scale to fill in? If not I'll post a link later (woke up at 1am and need to get back to sleep now!!!) Maybe it was because I had post-natal depression or maybe it was because of my son's age, I don't know - but it took me about a year to start caring about my appearance again. It was just little things like shopping at Save Mart like the suggestion above and finding attractive clothes that made me feel good about myself (yes you can in Savemart!) and getting my hair cut nicely and dying it. And then buying Thin Lizzy and attempting to put make-up on every day even if it just took 2mins. Wearing high heels again (pre-baby I used to wear them all the time). When given a break I'd do my nails and had a bath - felt like luxurious bliss! It's weird as a new mum it's hard to get your own needs meet and a very challenging time. Don't despair this stage is not forever, it will get better! In the meantime, as I said, just watch your symptoms... I run a charity that helps mums with post-natal depression and those at risk of it so you're welcome to PM me. |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 1:42am
| Oh and just to add - I really appreciate your honesty - hard to do even here on a forum!! |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 8:44am
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I hear you... I feel selfish and odd about buying new clothes... I'm only 20 but I feel out of place if I try to dress like my peers so like you live in hoodies/trackies and a ponytail! I feel like I don't fit in.
I think you should give yourself credit having more than one kid + a NB... Is DP able to give you some time in either the morning or night for you to have a shower, etc? Re hairy legs! You should see mine rofl and my armpits... DP always goes on about it or jokes about it!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: RedHeadDuck
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 9:54am
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Same as High9, here. Although lately I've spent a bit of money on myself and I feel GREAT!!!! I'm only 21, so want to dress nicely. I've ended up buying skinny jeans which are quite tight but very comfortable, and long tops considering I can be up and down all day (playing with baby, changing, picking baby up, etc) and I wear a lot of dark clothes. I had to find something that was practical, comfy, and made me feel good- oh and easy to breastfeed in, what a MISSION!!!
I find spending 20min each morning to have a quick shower, do my hair (be it a nice ponytail, or straightened REALLY quickly), rub on some moisturiser, foundation eye liner and mascara and I feel heaps better for the day. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 11:17am
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Getting my hair cut when DD was 8 weeks old was one of the best things I ever did. Hadn't cut it all pregnancy and haven't had it cut since. It certainly helped need to go back even if its a cheap just cut it made me feel human again. I got it cut in a style that allows a ponytail or not.
I too recently bought a new pair of jeans as pregnancy has changed my body shape and having something that fits makes all the difference. My morning shower is my one luxury its better than a sleep in IMO. It's less than 20 mins I feel so much better and ready for the day. I pop DD in her cot or pop her on a mat on the bathroom floor if she's being grumpy. We have the odd day where neither of us gets out of our pjs but that's rare. I'm not the same person I was BC (before children) I think its normal to expect some change. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 11:18am
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I live in jeans, singlet and hoody. I wear trackpants at home if I know I'm not going anywhere, but they're sporty ones, not the classic ones LOL I find jeans are good because you can dress them up or down, and there are some mega comfortable ones out there. I also take the time to have a shower in the morning when the girls have a sleep - 10 mins max, but it makes me feel "normal" again. If I'm going out, I'll chuck on some light foundation and eyeliner, if I'm not, I just moisturise. It takes me about 15 min max, including my shower and brushing of teeth. I have made sure I have done this every day since the girls were born, just to make me feel better about the day, and about myself (I shave my pits and legs in the shower as well).
As for shoes - I have jandals, but I also got some cheap casual shoes that were easy to put on and take off....mainly because it's winter, my feet were cold, and it doesn't matter if I'm wearing odd socks cos no one can see 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 11:18am
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Yeah, have to admit so long as my hair looks nice then I feel great, one thing that helps! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Mum_mum
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 12:37pm
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Hey, thanks for such an honest post as I know it must be hard when your feeling so run down and tired.
Its good to feel great on the outside and I agree with the girls on going to savemart or something and getting some jeans that fit nicely (you can find some bargins there!) and some easy t-shirts and a cardi will make you feel a little less frumpy but still so comfy. The number 1 shoe warehouse has some great style shoes for so cheap as well, I think I just paid $20 for a pair of look a like converse chucks! Finding a little time at the end of the day to do something for yourself is also a great idea, maybe when kids are in bed having a nice relaxing bath or painting your nails or just going to bed early and reading a good book. Its also Important to feel good on the inside though and my suggestion would be to look in to taking some vitamin B6 or evening primrose (both are safe to take while BFing) just to help with your low moods. I really hope you start to feel better soon but don't be too hard on yourself, you have three little ones to take care of and unfortunatly mum often takes the bottom of the cake  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
 Angel baby - May 2008
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 1:26pm
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i agree with everything mum_ mum said.
dont be too hard on yourself though, you have a 5 week old. Just pick one thing to change first, then another. One thing at a time and it will eventually all get done. The only person who can change you is you! Oh and one of my FB friends posted this from Maya Angelou today: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: M.i.s.s.y
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 2:20pm
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Q: Who am I?
A: An amazing mum!!! 
As for if its depression, it possibly is, can you talk to a close friend? I know i needed the help of my best friend to seek professional help, & start to feel better about myself & everything I did etc. Big hugs hun
Take care of urself. x -------------    
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Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 2:29pm
mum_mum, well said 
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 3:45pm
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I know how you feel , i went through a bit of a stage recently like that , i didnt care what i wore when i went out, always in jandels and 3 1/4 trackie things with a singlet top (in summer) then a hoodie over top when it was cold , i do tend to go through these phases tho , phases where i dress nice and phases when i dont , before last month i had hardly any winter clothes but one of my friends (who spend hundreds on clothes every month) was cleaning out her closet so she gave me a whole lot of her dresses and well i have done nothing but dress up lately and it feels great! its pretty much my "uniform" these days to chuck on a black long sleeve top, black tights, boots and one of many dresses and it is just soooo comfortable! my boots were $35 from kmart , tights about $12 a pair and tops about $10-$15 each so not too expensive and easy to change with a different dress , i have even started buying a few from glassons, cotton on etc and they dont cost too much ($50 max, sometimes pick up a bargain for $20) . i find that if i put nice clothes on then i feel that i have to chuck on some makeup and put a brush through my hair or else i look a bit weird in nice clothes and the rest a mess. As for the depression side of things , have a chat to your dr , It may be depression but it might just be all the things happening in your life at the moment, you have just had a bubba and have other children too and i can imagine its not that easy at the moment , your hormones will be all over the place and breatfeeding can take alot out of you , i know i felt a bit like a milking cow in the early days of breastfeding a newborn , sometimes it feels like they are on you all day long so i can imagine its not your main priority to be looking your best, but at the same time if you look in the mirror and like what you see , if you think you look smart and pretty then you may start to feel a bit better inside too . I personally know that if im out and about and see my reflection in a shop window and i look nice then i feel great inside too , if i walk past and look like something the cats dragged in then i slump down a bit, trying not to make eye contact with anyone and go and do what i need to as soon as i possibly can so i can get home and hibernate . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 8:19pm
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Yep...what everyone else said. You have a really young baby and its often a struggle just getting out of bed and honestly you are doing great. Book yourself a treat hair done nails done whatever.
But I so know what you mean. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with a toddler, I'm track pants, a second hand T-shirt and an old jersey with holes in it. My nails are shocking, legs need a shave and my eyebrows are like two caterpillers. I cut my hair of cause I couldn't be bother having to tie it up. DH still loves me though! We have a present fund where we put $20 a week in for birthdays and we get $600 each to spend. This year a big part of it will be on little luxuries for me. I really recommend this its a great way to get a treat. |
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 8:59pm
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I think you are so brave to be honest about how you feel. I have felt like and sometimes still do feel exactly like you feel at the moment, it is kind of nice to know you are not the only one.
I suppose we tend to put ourselves last when we are mothers when in some ways it should be the other way around, if we don't look after ourselves we can't look after our families; kind of like on the plane when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. Gosh does that make sense or just sound morbid?? All the other posts have been so great and I actually feel a little inspired now myself. If you are still wondering about PND then as others have said, speak to your mw or GP, it did me wonders when I spoke to my mw after Ben was born. Alternatively check out http://www.mothersmatter.co.nz/default.asp - Mothers Matter , maybe even have a look at the http://www.mothersmatter.co.nz/Post-Natal-Depression/Have-I-got-it.asp - Edinburgh test/questionnaire ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 27 May 2011 at 9:47pm
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I can't really remember but I think I probably went through a 'blah' stage when Isla was only a few weeks, where I just sat at home feeling yuck about myself. I got quite depressed and was eventually diagnosed with PND. But don't let that get you down (if that infact is the reasoning). I decided 'nope, I'm not going to let this ruin me' so made myself do my hair and a bit of makeup each morning so I at least made me look good - which in turn helped me 'feel' good. Even just a bit of effort in the mornings to look good makes a world of difference. I haven't bought any new clothes since having Isla (other than work clothes) but I was lucky enough to have a wardrobe full that still fitted me after I lost my baby weight. I've never been one to wear trackies anyway so didn't even have any in my drawers, otherwise I definitely would have seen myself going downhill in the looks department..... Would have started getting WAY to comfy in them lol
Hugs tho hun, but don't let it get you down. Maybe see if you can take some time out to get your hair done or something to make you geel good. Chin up, your not alone -------------  
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Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 9:46am
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I had terrible pnd. Since then I've been looking for ways to work on some of my issues with anxiety and calmness. I brought a book called buddhism for Mothers. (Am not religious, but the buddhist mothers I do know, seem beter at taking stuff in their stride.)
There's a great quote in there that talks about the changes we all go through... "unnoticed, a non-earner, the epitome of everything I never wanted to be...I find that there are many gifts in this space of quiet pausing between who I was and who I will become". I like it cause it reminds me that nothing is permanent and that sometime out the other side I'll come out a new and probably better person. On those yuck days I remind myself of this. |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 2:03pm
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Thank you for posting.
I can't tell you if its depression, it might be? It is hard to do with a new born and toddlers, I only have one but I still manage to find it hard to do anything Chuck in part time study and getting out with DD and you have my life.
I find tights and tunics are a life saver, comfortable yet can be dressed up, put on a belt add a necklace a slick of mascara and even ballet flats (I can't wear many boots my calves are too wide). This is especially comfy when your body is still changing post baby. I was able to fit most of my stuff pretty easy, pretty quickly and like a PP if my hair is done I feel done, but I'm a bit fussy about my hair. I can't brush it so don't (curly curly curly) thin lizzy or a loose powder and its a min and you feel "covered". I hope you find a way through your funk. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: ChildsPlay
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 2:35pm
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Thanks for your posts everyone.. I'm somewhat relieved to read that I'm not the only one feeling this way..
I do have to remember that I have an extremely busy life - my DD#1 is 2, my DS is 1 and then my DD#2 is only 6 weeks old. I guess I'm putting too much pressure on myself to be looking like miss wonderful. I do still feel a bit down but had a great day yesterday of pulling out all my clothes that I own and disgarding anything with pulls or holes and putting together a huge bag of clothes to sell. I'll stick them on TM and then hopefully can buy myself some new threads. I just booked in to have my hair cut - I will wait till Xmas time to have it coloured (to much $$) and that should help me feel a bit better. I took your advice and had a shower this morning and got dressed straight away instead of mo-ping in PJ's and put basic makeup on and felt loads better - so this will be my new vice now. I often preach a quote to people - and I love what you've all been quoting as well.. I guess it's time to start practising what I preach.. It's the serenity prayer "God, grant me the serenity to change the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference".. (It basically for those looking for peace at a time of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives) I am so blessed to be a SAHM when so many of my friends have had to return to work - and I love my kids so very very much - I just wish I can snap out of my little rut so that I can be a more positive role model to them..! I have spoken to my GP a few years ago after I had DD#1 (I felt a bit depressed then) and he said to go out on date nights and go for a walk etc.. I would like to talk to him again but not sure he'll understand how hard to get out with 3 little ones.. (he has no kids).. But too, don't want to just be given a prescription willy nilly.. I may go to a woman doctor instead. Just have to find the time.. I'm glad my post has reached out to many of you and even though I was heavily embarrased about posting it, I'm glad I did..
PS. Love the $20 a week savings idea Millymollymandy.. I might work out how we can fit this into our budget..!! Right, off to write out all those quotes and positive affirmations and stick them around the house..! xx ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 2:37pm
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I have not read the replies.
To me you sound like a normal mum who has just had a baby. I think it is easy to get in this way, if you factor in hormones, being tired, a baby needing you, running a house & looking after DP it can be very easy to lose yourself. I think if you do little things for yourself you will start feeling good. Start with shaving your legs, putting cream on, doing your nails. These little things can make a huge difference to how you feel. If you can get a hair cut that little bit of pampering can work wonders. If you can give yourself some money, say $100 get some cheap boots, new pants & a top, they can be your going out clothes. If you don't have the money to spend, can you sew or get second hand, you don't need to spend a fortune. I don't have any experience with depression but I do know how sometimes things can get on top of you & how overwhelming being a mum is. I take a bath, paint my nails, make a cuppa & read a mag/book, just a few minutes to recharge the batteries. I think once you start thinking of everything you feel is wrong it can seem too hard to sort out so pick 1 thing you want to change & do it. If after you change these things you feel no better then I think you should see a Doctor. & don't be so hard on yourself
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 2:39pm
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Just read your new post...good on you
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Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 3:25pm
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Oh Iv been there still am sometimes,
1st thing I did was get a hair cut I went from having plain straight long brown hair that yes was always just in a pony tail. Im lucky pimples have not seemed to have ever been a problem for me. but jandles, and trackies I wore for a few yrs. until about 6mths after I had My last baby I went out for a night with some friends from school and I suddenly found myself again. and started to do things that I had forgotten that I use to enjoy very much. I have also changed my complete wradrobe which instead of just daggy sneakers or jandles and trackies is now nice boots and jeans. I can now walk into a store and instead of thinking oh I cant wear that now I realise yes I can. my problem is I am quite short and finding pants that arnt to long is quite impossible especially in my size. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: Red
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 3:41pm
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I got some money for mother's day and went out and brought a few things - was sick of wearing trackies and my jeans that were a bit snug around my belly, and I refused to buy the next size up. Well I brought some leggings which I never thought I would buy and a couple of tunic tops and together with a slouchy pair of boots I actually feel pretty good. Leggings are so comfy and not expensive!
I agree about the shower as well, I felt so much better if I had one first thing before DH left for work rather than moping around in jammies and dressing gown. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 28 May 2011 at 6:00pm
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I have to say I swore when I was pg with Jack that I would always have a shower and get dressed as soon as possible after getting up, usually within the hour. I have always managed this even if it was a quick 2min jump in then out and it always helps me start the day on a good note.
ChildsPlay, glad you have made a few changes, booked the hair cut etc, hope it helps. If you don't feel like talking with your GP maybe try calling Maternal Mental Health, you may not have PND but I am sure they could help you work that out and have some suggestions for you, they may possibly understand a bit more than your GP ------------- Lindsey
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 02 June 2011 at 7:09pm
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I found for me, the most important thing in helping myself feeling better about myself, was colouring my hair, then getting a hair cut.
Not really bothering buying new clothes at my current size, as I'm trying to lose weight, so buying more clothes at my current size, wouldn't motivate me to lost weight. I too go between slack days clothing wise and dressy days. I have problem skin too and having been cleansing and such, but still waiting for clearer skin. -------------   
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