Comparing yourself
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39209
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Topic: Comparing yourself
Posted By: Bizzy
Subject: Comparing yourself
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 9:39am
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I know they say you shouldnt compare your kids and how they develop and what they do... but do you ever find yourself comparing your mothering to others?
I know i have made assumptions about how some people are with their kids and found myself comparing unfavourably, even though i may not really know the person. I know quite often i see people on FB or message boards and wonder at how marvelous there children are and what fabulous parents they must be, but then i wonder how much is my perception and how much is just them putting out the positive or even making themselves sounds better? ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 10:24am
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I don't compare myself to other Mothers I do look at what other Mother's are doing and see if that works for me. I'm a new Mother and its kind of like trying on a different hat or coat and seeing what fits.
Sometimes how well our children turn out is as much luck as design my baby girl is gorgeous, seems Dh and I make beautiful babies. 
I have yet to meet anyone who wasn't a fabulous mother or a baby that wasn't amazingly adorable. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 11:02am
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wow 73 views and only one comment ... you make me feel jaded caliandjack lol! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 11:21am
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I used to compare, now I just find myself struggling to stay afloat. haha!
When I do see/hear glowing comments about other peoples kids, I remind myself that one size doesn't fit all. This is something that I have to constantly remind myself with having twins so I think it's just kind of affected my way of thinking in general. |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 11:26am
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I don't compare, as such, although I do observe how other mothers interact with their children and think - oooh, I might try that, or nah, that's really not for me. I see some women who come through work, and how they treat their children, and vow that I will never be like that. That's about the extent of "comparing" that I do.
I do compare my children though, not in a bad way, I just observe their differences. |
Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 11:55am
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I'm similar to Minik8e - I notice how other Mums may do things and see if it's something that would suit us or not. But I don't tend to think, 'Oh they are so much better/worse than me.' I used to and that got me into a fairly negative headspace which now I've pretty much come out of.
Likewise with my kids I do notice their differences and marvel at how the exact same gene pool can create such different kids! I can't help but compare my kids to other kids too. I think it's natural, though it's more out of interest in their differences than anything. In terms of FB/OB, I probably put more good stuff up than bad, mainly because I think my kids are pretty awesome, but also because I don't want to seem ungrateful or like I'm moaning  ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 11:59am
Lol Motherhood is all brand new for me and is still exciting and interesting. Give it a few years and toddler tantrums and I may not be quite so enthusiastic. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Bizzy wrote:Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 12:02pm
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I dont know Caliandjack. I remember talking to my mum one day at the hospital and this pregnant nurse came in and mum was getting all excited about first babies, she didnt look jaded at that point even though her kids were all grown and pains in her backside. lol! They might drive you nuts though! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 12:04pm
I compare them like this too. It's the 'labeling' them aspect of comparing that I try not to do. |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 12:08pm
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Like some of the others have said, I do take note of what seems to work or not from other parents and take on board what they do or don't do.
I do sometimes seem to compare myself to other mothers, especially on bad days, and wonder what it is I do so wrong. But usually that is only after a screaming match, or a really bad night. I think it is completely normal and human nature. Not just with parenting but we often find ourselves comparing all sorts of things. -------------  
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 12:28pm
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I've also found that my own baby knows how to push my buttons and get me upset and frustrated.
I don't feel like that with other peoples babies. Guess 9 months inside of us they know us better than we know ourselves. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 12:50pm
I imagine I'm like most people - most of the time I'm perfectly happy with my life/parenting skills/whatever, but when it's hard it's easy to think 'so-and-so has it so easy', or 'so-and-so is SO much better at it than me'. I'm having a moment like that right now, I've had a chunk of work piled on me but didn't feel able to say no since the other ladies working on it with me are Mums too and seem to not only be taking it in their stride but be keen to do it 
With FB and that, I know you only tend to put the good stuff... at least I do, I dont' like to use it as an outlet for me to whinge. I just assume that behind every 'I'm so happy, I love my hubby and baby and i'm the luckiest person in the world' post is a couple of un-said 'I don't know how I'm going to get dinner on the table today, and if the baby wakes up after half an hour again I'm going to cry' thoughts. I mean, surely all of us have both?! I consider myself pretty happy with my lot, though. I know I wouldn't swap with anyone, anyway 
Oh, and I do compare kids too - like others have said, not in a bad way at all, it's just SO interesting how they all do things differently / at different stages. -------------   
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Posted By: Kelz
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 1:12pm
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Children are interesting in that sometimes they excel in some areas and are way behind in others.
Likewise with us parents - we're normally pretty good in some areas and completely useless at others. I know that some days I might look like I have it all together....but I also may have no clue what we're having for dinner at 6pm and my house is often a complete wreak until someone is due to visit. After many years of parenting I've learned not to judge other children - when you do, it often comes back to bite you in the butt.  ------------- |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 1:50pm
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I don't tend to compare myself with others. Except in the sense that I have a friend who has a 5yr old and twins and she still goes out most weekends right from when the kids were little she has and I just think you should be their parent not their grandparents! I know that they work and we're all allowed to have our outlets but I grew out of the going out thing a while ago.
As for posting on here and FB about only the good things, I don't tend to because I know that alot of mums on my FB are struggling with getting their almost 2yr olds to STTN still and DD has been doing that since she was 6weeks old pretty much. I don't want to rub that in ppls faces. If she does something exceptionally cute or bizarre like when she sat there making me pat her leg the other day then I post because she's so odd. We all struggle with different things and parts of parenting who am I to judge if you are having trouble while I'm not. I'm sure in other ways I struggle and your child excells over me and mine ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 1:55pm
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Yes, most of the times I have judged another mother I have regretted it when I consider what is actually going on in their lives. The majority of mums I have met I've never thought was a "bad mum" - just that they might do something differently than I do something or that I would make a different decision based on what I think is best. But at the end of the day the majority of us even though we may make different decisions, do so out of our childrens' best interest and therefore, we are trying to care for them and raise them the best we can.
Like others have mentioned, I consider what others do and think "ooh I'd like to try that" or "I wouldn't do that with mine" but that is a bit different. I judge mothers a lot less now that I am a mother - because it is bl#*$y hard work!!! And some have it harder than others, eg. no family support, single mum, child's personality, colic/reflux/difficulty breastfeeding, PND etc etc. We all have our bad days when we feel less able to cope and haven't had enough support or enough time out etc. so it's easy to find a mum having one of those days too... I went over to my friend's one evening because I was so sick to death of DS grizzling I felt close to screaming at him he was driving me crazy! And she gave me dinner and her son played with mine so you know... |
Posted By: tictacjunkie
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 2:05pm
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I definitely compare myself to others & compare my children to other children, not necessarily in a negative way, (& I openly confess I do try not to be judgemental) right from the very begining- e.g. ms vs no-ms, baby's gender, baby's weight, the flipping WHO growth charts are all about comparing your baby to everyone elses. I feel it's human nature to spot differences. How you're different or similar to others is what makes you who you are isn't it?
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Posted By: yermasyada
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 2:33pm
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I wouldn't say I compare myself to other mothers, but I love to hear how others handle situations, issues, feelings etc.
The only thing that ever concerns me is peoples perception of my parenting style. Which is odd, as I'm confident in the way I'm raising my child. I think it stems from the fear of someone getting the wrong opinion of me or my mothering skills. It's a totally silly thing to spend any time being concerned over, but I'm just one of those people who hates the thought of someone thinking ill of me
As for kidlets... I constantly compare my son with others his own age. I don't think it's a bad thing, just so amazing how they can be all so different and develop different skills at different rates. 
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Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 17 May 2011 at 6:29pm
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I'm forever comparing myself to other Mums, but it's kind of hard not to in this day and age with facebook etc and people 'bragging' about how clever their baby is etc. My DD is amazing and gorgeous and clever andI love her to bits, but she has been a bit 'slow' with crawling/walking etc. She learnt how to crawl at 13 months and is not yet walking and is almost 15months and has only just learnt how to stand up against furniture. People are forever saying 'oh she must be running around the place at this age! and when I say no they go 'ohhhhh, really, thats a bit slow isn't it? She should be by now' so I kind of do start questioning whether I'm doing something wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a great Mum, the smile on my daughters face tells me that, but I do sometimes think 'maybe I should do things that way' iykwim -------------  
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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 19 May 2011 at 3:23pm
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Take heart lisajo - it's great when they first start walking but it's a whole lot more work lol. Nathan wears me out so much more now than he ever used to even if he does sleep through the night!!!
Anyway, you're not doing anything wrong - children just hit their milestones when they're ready. She's not slower than other children - milestones are not there to tell us how gifted our child is, but to alert us when something is wrong. People treat milestones in the wrong way. It's hard, but remember that in the bigger scheme of things when our children are walking, talking eating etc etc. none of it will matter whether they walked at 10mths or 13mths or 16mths etc. Personally, though I'm not in a hurry for my little man to grow up, I'm also looking forward to the day he can get his own breakfast so I can sleep in, fix me a cup of tea, do some dishes and clean up after himself!!! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 19 May 2011 at 3:49pm
Good Luck with that one I know grown men who still can't do all that. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 19 May 2011 at 9:00pm
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I used to get really worried everybody else was parenting so much 'better' than me but now my kids are older I feel quite good about the way I parent. One thing I try so hard to not do is brag about how awesome my kids are when someone else has asked a question about their own child. That drives me up the freakin wall reading these competitions on FB or on here when some poor mother has asked for help. I remember the uncertainty of being a new mother and how you feel everything your baby does is a direct reflection of your parenting skills so I try not to add to it!!
In saying that there are some really calm awesome parents where I envy their ability to maintain their cool and parent how I would like to parent. I am confident I'm doing the best I can though
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Posted By: Littlechop
Date Posted: 13 June 2011 at 9:51pm
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Interesting topic!
I agree RachandJack - sometimes people can be insensitive when you vent about your kids issues or ask for advice. "You are tired from being up all night with little Mary then doing a full days work at the office? Gosh I am glad my husband earns so much that I don't have to work. And my little Harry has been sleeping through from 5 weeks anyway so...." Grrrrr. I have a friend that is very good at this and it gets me pretty down I admit. I feel very inferior as a wife and parent because of her "wonderful" kids and how awesome she is. I find myself posting on FB about the negatives of parenting more than the positives. There is definately a culture amongst parents of complaining rather than celebrating about our kids, I feel. For example I wouldn't post on FB that my 3 year old can write her own name in case other people thought I was showing off, which is sad really because we should be able to celebrate our kids successes. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 8:22am
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Ditto re facebook!
I totally compare parenting but normally in my favour lol, like 'i wouldnt let my child run around like that' which is so ridiculous because i don't have a running around child yet and no idea how hard it is and chances are i WILL let DS run around like that anyway but there you go, i still do it. |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 8:25am
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Oh and agree re: subtle sly putdowns too, i wrote on FB a while ago about DSs sleeping and i got a whole bunch of 'wow sounds hard, MY DS has slept like an angel from day one so i can't help' comments - well WTF did you post for then?
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 9:15am
Exactly...it's want they want you to see.... ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 9:21am
You should celebrate your kids achievements. It took me a long time to accept compliments about DD with grace. I thought she was beautiful don't all parents, when others started saying it was something I hadn't experienced before as beauty isn't something I possess myself. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 10:45am
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No, not really. I do take notice of what other parents do with their kids but it's more just 'Oh ok that's new/different/cool/not for me' but it doesn't bother me or make me feel and better or worse.
I don't tend to brag about DD much on here or on FB but do find other mums saying 'Oooh xyz did this today' and I'll think and sometimes say 'Oh, DD has been doing that too!' but never said it before because I didn't think it was overly important/worth sharing. I never share anyway bad parts, for example most people are horrified that my almost 16 month old was waking (still) up to 8x a night for a feed until recently! She is now sleeping through the night but I never felt I had to share that with anyone. It honestly didn't bother me that she was but most people seemed to have an opinion or issue and claimed to know what I was doing wrong... I do sometimes share cute things she does though. What other kids do in terms of milestones has never bothered me either... I know Lily will do them when she is ready (just like sleeping through the night although she did that while I was away and MIL helped her). Tbh I think you can get too hung up comparing yourself and your kids to others and to me, doesn't that take the fun out of it?? Yes I am a first time mum and to me it's all about learning no matter how many kids you have! Just enjoy it and try your best. That's all you are expected to do imo. ETA: And this is a bit of a mummy brag but if you couldn't tell I am really happy and confident with the way I parent and a lot of that confidence comes from trusting myself as a mum, my intuition and my instincts. I know I am a good mum - my daughter is happy, healthy and confident so what do I have to worry about? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 8:42pm
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I did for a little while when I had people quite openly judging me because of my oldest sons behaviour and the way I handled it. what they and myself didnt know at the time is he had autism once I started playcentre and was surrounded by a lot of helpful mothers I realised there was nothing wrong with my parenting I was just a young mother with an undiagnosed child thinking it was something wrong with me.
I know longer compare my parenting with others. I actually enjoy my children a whole lot more now that I dont bother worrying about what other parents are doing differently. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 16 June 2011 at 3:25pm
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Deb - people definitely put out the best side, unconsciously most of the time as it's the side they want to remember! I know my blog doesn't mention any of the PMS fueled tantrums that I throw
In saying that, I really appreciate it when someone who always has gorgeous photography and a spotless house cuts me some slack and lets in a shot that shows their mountain of washing to be folded in the background. heh |