Are you ready for a baby.....? LOL
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Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
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Topic: Are you ready for a baby.....? LOL
Posted By: LadyBee
Subject: Are you ready for a baby.....? LOL
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 5:17pm
Found this on another web site thought i would share for some laughs 
Lesson 1 1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time. Lesson 2 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their... 1. Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers. Lesson 3 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel... 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together. Lesson 4 Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out... 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. 4. Then rub them on the clean walls. 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? Lesson 5 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Lesson 6 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Lesson 7 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Lesson 8 1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Make a small hole in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby. Lesson 9 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point. Lesson 10 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Lesson 11 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: tarns
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 5:53pm
ROFLMAO.....awesome
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Posted By: rachelsea
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 6:35pm
Hahahaha that's great! I know a few people I could send that too  ------------- DD 4yrs DS 2yrs http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: _SMS_
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 6:35pm
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This is fantastic!!!
And sooooooo very true lol  -------------  
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 10:56pm
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Haha great ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 11:55pm
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Oh man! literally laughing out loud imagining a crazed woman in a supermarket with 3 goats ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 9:01am
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Mwahaha brilliant :) -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: LadyBee
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 9:08am
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Haha Yeah I loved the goat bit LOL and lesson 8 ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: MotherLtd
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 11:48am
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bahahaha...Love it!
Definitely can relate to some of those! ------------- Baby #3 Yay! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: CarleyRose
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 2:09pm
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Haha thats great! I'd love to try the wet bag one hahaha! or not! ------------- TTC Sept08 July10 FS APP ICSI#1 BFN-No frosties ICSI#2 BFN-2 Frosties FET-8th August - BFP 20/8/12 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Mucky_Tiger
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 9:54pm
| now who's got 3 goats i can borrow? |
Posted By: jano1
Date Posted: 21 January 2011 at 3:51pm
| I love the Fran Drescher comment- so true! |
Posted By: whitewave
Date Posted: 21 January 2011 at 10:49pm
| Ha ha, this is brilliant! Especially love Lesson 10, with the Fran Drescher "mommy" tape - Campbell is doing this continually at the moment!! |
Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 22 January 2011 at 8:26am
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Haha, that's awesome!!
I can so relate to Lesson 5 (dressing an octopus) and Lesson 7 (feeding the melon) Love it, thanks for sharing!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 23 January 2011 at 8:38am
| ha ha that is brilliant & SO TRUE hee hee |