Self esteem/confidence
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Topic: Self esteem/confidence
Posted By: escadachic
Subject: Self esteem/confidence
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 5:10pm
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Ok, so I was thinking today, what has bearing on our confidence/self esteem?
What makes some of us more confident and some of us less confident? Is it personality? Is it how our parents treated us? What makes some of us care way too much what others think and thus effecting our confidence, while others aren't really fazed and have plenty of confidence? Does how our children and others perceive you as a parent effect your confidence? How about how you perceive yourself? How many of us are faking it? Are introverts less confident or not? Are extroverts more confident or less confident? Are easy-going people more effected by others opinions or not? Are outgoing people confident people or really good actors? How much does your body image effect your self esteem? What's your opinion on these things? -------------   
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Replies:
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 5:23pm
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Myself, well body image has a huge bearing on my confidence and being I have had 2 kids and still not back to pre-pregnancy weight and still not fitting my clothes from before. Not feeling great about myself. My dress size and the number on the scales really does effect my confidence.
I am introverted and I'm not sure if that is personality or confidence. When I doubt my abilities as a parents, that too effects my self esteem. As so much of who I am now is tied in with the fact that I am a mother. So if I feel judged as a parent or judge myself negatively. That too makes me less confident. I do think my parenting(as in my parents parenting) did have a huge effect on my self esteem. My father died when I was nearly 2 yrs old. So not having this important person in my life and losing my granddad(my dad's dad) when I was quite young has effected me. As I so needed a man around to tell me I was accepted(as in family, not a partner) And my mum didn't exactly help my confidence too much. As for school. Gosh school was really bad for my confidence. Children and teenagers can be very cruel! I am one of those overly sensitive types and I do care a lot what people think. How I wish I didn't! I am trying not to care so much what others think and I am slowly getting a little better at not caring, but yeah. -------------
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 5:25pm
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I'm very introverted by nature and was hideously shy from childhood until my 20's but learned to 'fake it (being outgoing) till I made it' lol. Edited to add- I used to care enormously what other people thought of me, but I'm much less so inclined now. Old age plays a part in that too lol. I guess I just think as you get older you DO generally worry less about stuff like that and just get on and do it. There's no way you're gonna ever please everyone all the time or have everyone like you and that's a hard lesson to learn for some of us. But if you CAN learn it, it's very liberating. -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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I also need to withdraw from society occasionally to 'regroup'. I used to feel bad about doing that but I'm fine with it now lol. I have lots of awesome friends and no trouble making any. I feel great about my body, even after having 2 large babies hehe. I'm confident of most of my choices in life and how I parent. I think part of this is learned behaviour, and part of it is old age 
Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:00pm
I think I am a lot like Emmecat. Except maybe for the not caring what people think of me due to old age. I am working on that though and I'm still young so I think by the time I'm in my thirties I will be over it!
I am pretty introverted but I do feel I'm quite confident. I.e. I have no problems going up on stage to perform , e.g. karaoke, singing, acting - these things don't make me nervous, strangely! On the other hand, I can be very quiet in social settings, but this doesn't necessarily mean I'm not feeling confident. I'm just a quiet sort of person. With parenting I am still pretty new to the game, but I think I'm doing fine. I just think I have done a lot of reading, research, etc, and I have a very happy baby - I am doing my best so I am confident that I am doing a good job! And I always try to remind myself when I think people really don't like me, "Do I like them?" And if they are the kind of person that is really against something I do and can't get over that, then I probably DON'T like them. And if I don't like them, why worry that they like me?  After all, I don't like everyone - I can't possibly expect everyone to like me.
I was very smart in primary school, and really excelled in a couple of subjects in high school, so I was always told all the time how clever I was, etc. I don't think this did me any favours at all because I came to hold myself to extremely high standards. When I didn't meet them I would feel really bad about myself. But I'm not in school any more, thank goodness, so that is behind me! I know I'm not perfect now, and I can never expect myself to be. I have had to fake it and make an effort at times to appear more confident. I think it does improve over time, but it's definitely something I have to work at sometimes. Overall, I don't really have any complaints about myself. For now anyway!
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:02pm
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I reckon lots of people that seem confident are faking it, sure has been the case with lots of people I know including DH. So really confidence=extrovert rather than actual confidence.
Me..I am probably quite introverted but reasonably confident...I just don't NEED people to quite the same extent as a lot of people...I enjoy the company of others but sure don't get lonely if I don't have company....if that makes sense. Interesting...apparently there are a lot less introverted people than extroverted people and often introverts can be perceived as 'snobby' because they are much quieter and spend a lot of time listening and watching others rather than talking. I know I have been thought of as a snob because of it...so try to make more effort these days. But then if people can't accept me for the quiet person that I am then they are the ones who miss out...you can't judge someone on one experience with them. It takes time to get to know some people. Oh and Aussies are way more crazy than little old kiwis so I am super introverted here compared to them lol.... ETA: I sometimes wonder if DS will be a slower talker than other babies since I am not a big talker and not about to change either. I figure he will catch up at some stage so don't really care. ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:16pm
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I am the least confident person i know. Like Emmecat i "fake it til i make it" but its bloody tough.
What sticks in my mind is when i was at uni there would be a party every weekend - and i'd never go unless i was specifically, personally invited. Even when people would say to a a group "Having a party you guys should come" i would hear "Having a party, everyone except bowie is welcome". I just assumed i wasnt wanted because im not cool/pretty/fun enough. My mom has hugely damaged my self esteem, she has no problem telling me i look fat which is her main issue. I don't know what other mothers say to their daughters - i assume they tell them they look great no matter what, but mine will straight up tell me that i've gained weight in my stomach and i shouldnt wear what i have on because it shows it. Weight is a definate issue for me - its been a bit of a struggle to let the number go for pregnancy but i forsee myself struggling if it doesnt drop to an "acceptable" level afterwards. I was absolutely damanged by my years at all girls schools - its so easy for girls to tear each other up and i am for sure more sensitive them most so i couldnt shrug of insults or teasing and move on. I took every single word to heart and its taken me years to recover from that. The ridiculous thing about my lack of confidence re: my weight is that i'm not overweight and never have been. I'm 5'7 and the most i've ever weighed (not pregnant) is 65kg which i think is resonable but i cannot get years of little comments out of my head. |
Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:22pm
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I love big crowds and lots of people just as much as a small group of friends. I am an extremely confident person despite the size i am. (size 18-20)
i love myself and who I am, but am still trying to better myself (if that makes sense)... i am exercising, not to loose weight or change my body shape, but to be fitter and healthier. i have given up caring what people think of me (with the exception of my immediate family and my partner, whose are the only opinions that matter to me) BUT in saying that.... when I was at school - while still loving being around people and surrounded by so many people who loved and cared for me, there were a couple of people (mostly high school) who always knew the wrong thing to say. It got the point where I was in counselling and was suicidal. (i didnt even realise it at the time.... but i found an old diary i had kept and re-read it and im really suprised im still here!) it took ALOT for me to get to where i am today. I am confident with how my DP and i raise our son. i am confident with who i am and who i want to be. i am confident as a mother, as myself, as a cook, cleaner and finder of lost things. I easily talk to stangers about anything and even have met and exchanged numbers with people in the supermarket who just happened to say a nice word. i love nothing more than making someone elses day, whether it be helping someone with their groceries, saying a nice word or even just giving an encouraging smile. maybe being a crazy aussie helps hehe.
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:31pm
I have this little theory that everyone secretly worries that everyone else doesn't like them  It seems whenever you talk to someone, that's how they feel, at least some of the time!
I honestly have no idea whether I come across as introverted or extroverted. I know that I often feel I don't shut up as often as I should  On the other hand, when we were sharing some constructive criticism stuff at Outward Bound when I did it, everyone told me I needed to work on my self esteem (I was surprised I was that transparent! Although I guess you do get pretty close on those things).
My body image used to affect me incredibly, to the point where I believe it was really unhealthy for me. Then, about when I got married, I stopped caring half as much. That sounds so dreadful - as if I landed a guy and stopped caring! But I think there was something in the knowing that someone loved me and was committed to me that helped me let it go. Now I think I've got it about right - I don't like to feel chubby, so I try and be healthy, but I don't spend much time worrying about whether I am. At the moment I'm a few kgs above pre-preg weight, which I reckon is about right for me, but I'm not stressed, I only had a baby a few months ago, I'm cool with it. For what it's worth, I know for a fact two of the prettiest girls I know worry (or at least, used to worry, we haven't discussed it lately!) about what they look like. Which makes me think that no-one is immune. -------------   
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 6:33pm
Oh that is SO true! I am the quiet type and I remember when someone once told me, they were afraid to approach me, as they thought I was a snob and probably a bi**h, because I was slim and attractive(back then at least) -------------
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Nutella wrote:Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 7:59pm
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I think that self confidence comes from self love which comes from the acceptance and courage to embrace the person you are regardless of which pigeon hole you fit into in society.
Letting go and not caring what others are doing or how they think about you (because, honestly you probably don't even figure in their day to day and what they think of you is none of your business anyway!). Your children don't care if you are fat or thin,pretty or not, if you have stretchmarks or are 15 or 50, if you wear designer threads or handme downs or if you drive a 2011 Audi or ride a bike. All they care about is that you love them and comfort them. Acceptance of yourself is the key. I have suffered depression for many many years and a useful tool I learnt was "What can you do about it?" and "what evidence do you have that people are thinking/saying/doing..." I have come to love myself, I have many many faults, but I am who I am. I can be intorverted and shy and I can be loud and bawdy. I tell funny jokes and can be the life of the party, i always have a good yarn, but I also feel comfortable in the silence because I am comfortable with who I am. There are days when I think meh, fat ugly whatever, but I just have to get over myself and think people actually like this fat ugly whatever woman so get over yourself woman and get on with your day.
I had a very tough upbringing with not alot of love and lots of ot very nice things said (my mothers nickname for me was "Ugs" short for ugly cos she didnt want me to get "ideas about myself". I have learned though, to let go as you cannot cannot move into the future if you are looking into the past all the time. You can't choose how people treat you or make you feel but you CAN choose how you deal with it. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 7:59pm
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Edited - double post! Stoopid slow internet. ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 8:07pm
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*like*
The problem is bloody getting there. Work in progress! |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 8:15pm
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YEah! It took me ages to love the skin Im in (lol thanks nivea!) however I think its come with age, I've realised I can't please all of the people all of the time, and the only person I need to keep happy is ME!!! Cos if Im happy the whole house hums! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 8:23pm
That is very true....sometimes you might be thinking that someone is thinking the worst of you when actually they may not be thinking about you at all...or even nicer, might be thinking what a lovely person you are....you just don't know! -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 8:45pm
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I like your post fattarts ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel
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Posted By: SBM
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 9:05pm
fattartsrock, that really resonated with me, thanks for sharing! 
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 10:32pm
I recall reading something along those lines in an online course, called: Moodgym. It works with cognitive behavioural therapy. Where you learn to reprogram the wrong thinking/ideas you may have. -------------
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 11:03am
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Yep have done my time in CBT and thatnks to it I have been off meds for about 8 years. I have had bad depression in that time but have managed to not kill myself or anyone else or whatever thanks to CBT.
(tounge in cheek there )------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 11:45am
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Im slowly getting there, I have stopped caring as much, altho some things still bug me and upset me but I wouldnt be human if they didnt. Im actually quite surprised at how much I dont care what others think and I have FINALLY learned that if someones not gonna like you, quite frankly nothing you do will change that, its there problem not mine...... And to be honest I dont have the energy to give a cr*p what others think of me anymore. Cos I KNOW Im a good person and think of others and have a good heart and good morals and of course am not perfect like the next person. I do make mistakes like the next person, but if im upset I will tell that person that I am, if I feel they are worth it, and it gets me in a lot of trouble cos of course it can be confrontational to alot of people, but all my close friends know that I am honest and if they want an honest opinion they just need to ask me(altho i do know how to white lie) and they know if I am upset with them, altho I do still pick my battles. You dont get any fakeness with me, I where my heart on my sleeve, if im upset i will cry in front of you, if Im angry you will know cos I cant hide it...... I cant stand people that get up on their thrones and act like they are perfect and have never done anything wrong to others and sit there and point the finger constantly at peoples mistakes and never take any responsibiltiy for any part..........sorry went off topic!! The one thing that bugs my friend and she does everything she can to try and get me to come around, is i cant handle affection from people, IE hugs etc.......I feel uncomfortable and I honestly think that comes down to my upbringing.............my upbringing is a long winded story but it involves my natural mother bailing when I was a baby and me being raised by step mothers.........and a dad who wasnt affectionate........and no one ever told me they were proud of me...........so i have had a lot of self importance issues and a lot of insecurities and altho I mostly dont let it affect me, these things have a way of creeping back in, esp when tired or hormonal etc Ok enough of a novel....... |
Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 11:50am
I often have a little voice in my head (ok I know sounds crazy  )
but i self talk myself all the time, I talk my negative thinking around quite often. life is how you percieve it and my subconcious can be very negative but I talk it around often!!! |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 12:37pm
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I reckon there is no one in the world that EVERYONE likes, despite some people thinking that everyone loves them. I bet even Mother Theresa annoyed someone out there....
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Oct 11
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Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 1:01pm
 And if you try to please EVERYONE, you will be the unhappiest person around. Plus, you'll just never succeed!
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Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 1:42pm
| I have a lot of self esteem issues relating back to being bullied as a kid from primary school onwards. As a rule I dont think that my body image really gets me down although I wouldnt say that I look great or really like it. I struggle with trust more than anything and blame myself whenever something happens. I have had a lot of who I would consider really good friends betray me or leave and I am constantly afraid that DH will. I dont mean leave to be with someone else, but just leave and when he doesnt I wonder if he is just staying around because he feels too guilty to leave. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 2:15pm
OMG! I can so relate to the not liking/taking affection thing. Think it's mum related too. Like my good friends or friends will come to give me a hug and sometimes I'll let them, but I just feel weird about it. It just feels wrong, though it shouldn't. Like I have some friends who are very into exchanging hugs and when they try the same on me, I'm like, urgh, go away! -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 2:17pm
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Chickielou, I read a self-help book that went over the negative self-talk thing. It's like there is this little devil/person in there, telling you all these bad things about yourself and you have to learn how to shut it up/shut it down. Haven't worked out how to do it yet. Haven't finished the book either! -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 2:19pm
I can definitely relate amme_eilyk.  -------------
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 2:24pm
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*Like* ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: karenb_chch
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 2:28pm
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What a great thread - thanks for sharing ladies.
I'm reminded of something my mum used to say "You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time" which is very true. I'm extremely introverted, but quite confident in my professional life (I'm good at what I do, and that comes through when I'm talking about what I do etc) so people think I'm extroverted. However, in social situations I'm completely the opposite, but have learned to fake it. That first step to enter/join a conversation when at a party etc, still gives me butterflies! (The internet is fantastic, because when you don't actually know people as real people, rejection is much less painful.) As a child, I always knew who I was, but unfortunately, I didn't realise that being a confident person who is not willing to bend to social norms doesn't always make you a likeable person. Until I was 10 or 12 I simply didn't understand that some people hide parts of their personality so that others will like them (especially at school). By the time I figured that out, my personality was pretty fixed, and I'm very stubborn, so I was in the mindset of "this is who I am, and if they don't like it, tough". ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 10:28pm
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This is great thread I was actually thinking of starting one myself.
I have been thinking about this alot in the passed few months coz i am one of those lesser confident people. i am very cautious of everyone i meet and even around people i have know years and all my life. I was not always this way when I was little I wasnt so bad but i was always cautious. when im in a new situation i will always wait for someone to talk to me, once some strikes a conversation with me I am fine. I just have trouble starting coz I always think this person doesnt want to talk to me so I wont bother them. the whole time dying to talk to them. a few times i have managed to boot my own arse and start the convo and have no problems. i think i just fear regection. once i know the person I have problems, if my trust in someone is faulted then I put my shell back up. thats what people who really know me notice is that i have this invisable shell constantly around me and only a few people will see me with out it and those people are the important people in my life. when i am around those people my shell is usually always down so if i meet some new while im with them I have no problem. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 10:30pm
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Interesting thread Kel - and it has really made me think. It's funny cause I've always thought of myself as quite a confident person, but now that I think about it, I think I might just be faking it, cause in reality, the only time I feel confident is when I'm dealing with customers..... so I guess it's the fact that they are relying on me to provide information/advice, which makes me feel 'needed' and therefore confident. But when I was at school, I was always the one who'd get picked on, but I'd let it happen cause at least it was some form of attention. I was one of 6 kids so never got a lot of attention from my parents as a youngster. My sister directly younger that me (altho 5yrs apart) got diagnosed with Diabetes when she was only 16 months old so my parents were always too busy with her, so I never really got a huge amount of love. My family aren't overly affectionate either so have always found it quite hard to let people in iykwim. My Dad was in the airforce so he was never really around, so I lacked a father figure for the majority of my childhood and I think that is what caused me to become (for lack of a better word) a bit of a skank in my late teens, early 20's. I just felt I always needed a man around. I didn't like a lot of the guys I'd go out with, but just liked the feeling of someone 'wanting' me, it is what made me feel good about myself, even if for all the wrong reasons.
When I met my DF, he made me feel far more confident in myself. He always makes me feel sexy and beautiful and I can be myself around him, which to be honest, I had never done before. I have always been who other people want me to be. After having Isla however,my confidence took a real nose dive. I've always been blessed with a good figure - despite the fact I eat like a horse, but after having an 11lb 8oz baby, my body took a bit of a hammering. I have lost all my baby weight (27kg!) but have quite a lot of flab around my belly which I just can't shift so that makes me feel kinda gross about myself. And my skin has gone yucky as well, so yea body image has a lot to do with it. DF still tells me I'm gorgeous, and I know he thinks I am, but I still struggle to believe it myself cause when I look in the mirror, I don't look like the person I used to be. Wow sorry - kinda went off on a bit of a tangent there...... lol I think I stayed on topic for most of that lol -------------  
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 10:47am
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I can totally relate to what you said Rorylex!
And I can also relate to some of what you said too Lisa. About the being a tad 'skanky' in my younger years due to self esteem. Also, same with feeling confident at work, but not outside of it. And yeah, it is hard to accept the after baby body. I had the same issue after my first, lost all the weight but still had the stretched skin and felt flabby. And no, you didn't go off in a tangent at all. But tbh, my DP doesn't boast my confidence. He just doesn't say anything either way. Just tries to encourage me to exercise and reminds me I was smaller after having a baby when he met me. Um yeah, 3 yrs after having her I was like 3kgs lighter then pre-pregnancy. So he may think this is encouraging, but it's NOT! It's a tad insensitive. Must be great to be him! Eats whatever he likes and stays slim as. And thankx you guys for the comment about this being a great thread. I just felt it was a really relevant subject and it's something that should be discussed, if not, just to share. It's good to know there are people from both spectrum's, less confident and more confident. I personally can't 'fake it til I make it'. I'm a bad actor and I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve. I'm far too transparent to appear to be something I'm not. I've been working on trying to boast my self esteem for years. Though I may have improved a teeny bit, I still have a long way to go. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 21 January 2011 at 11:03pm
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Has anyone read much in the way of Self-help books?
If so, did you find any helpful or relevant? -------------
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