Newly single and VERY worried.
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Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=37475
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Topic: Newly single and VERY worried.
Posted By: Stephi
Subject: Newly single and VERY worried.
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:36am
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Hi everyone. So my SO and I have decided to call it quits after long extensive arguments about it all, and after trying to sort everything out. We have come to the conclusion that we dont belong together. We never really have.
I am extremely worried about being a single parent :( I am currently on the sickness benefit for anxiety and depression, and will carry on getting it up until bubs is born. I am worried about my house. I pay 280 dollars rent here, and that is split between SO and I (we are on the same benefit, as he is joint with mine). But once he goes, it will just be me that has to pay that. Does anyone know if WINZ will make me move because of how much the rent is? Im really nervous about this! I love this house so much, and dont want to leave it. Bubs room is all set up and waiting for his arrival, and I would hate to have to move into a 1 bedroom hole (im in a really nice 2 bedroom atm). Also, im frightened so much of being a single mum :( It makes me cry every day just thinking about it. How hard its going to be. I am lucky to have an amazing support system (my family) but I just wish I could have an amazing partner or husband around to help me out too :( This is my first baby, and I hate that I have to bring him into a world where its just mummy who wants to stick around for him :( I feel like an idiot ranting, but I have literally no-one else to talk to :( ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:48am
Huge hugs hun! 
First of all you will be a fantastic mum! The fact that you want and will be there for your little boy will mean the world to him. It may not be easy but it will be extremely rewarding and you will be surprised at how well you will cope and adapt. Im not 100% sure on WINZ but im on the DPB with a rent of $270 and i manage. I wouldn't imagine they would make you move. My best advice would be to be as efficient as you can with cutting bills. Turn everything off at the wall, short showers, only buy what you need when food shopping etc. With careful budgeting you can stretch money quite far. Try get an appointment with them asap and tell them what is happening. They may be able to help in other ways and may also offer free a councilor if you need it. Once again, sending lots of hugs and support your way. You can do it 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 7:08am
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I have no idea about Winz as i've never delt with them but i think the best thing is to usually go and explain your change in circumstances? They have a bunch of grants for things like this - i think there is even one to help you buy baby things and get set up if you need it.
I totally understand where you're coming from with the rest though - i split with my babys father when i wasnt even out of the first trimester! We are only just starting to be able to talk to each other again, and with bubs due in a week i've started feeling really guilty that i'm not providing a house, dog, husband sort of family for him. Which is ridiculous because i know so many single moms that do an amazing job - and look at the ladies here! They're all incredible parents. Your baby will be just fine. Somethings to think about are getting visits/custody agreements sorted out - you don't have to do this until after the birth obviously, but i found it easier to do now, i don't want to fight with my ex with our baby in the room and i certainly didnt want him causing a scene at the hospital and ruining my memorys of the babys first few days. Even if you think you won't have a problem you might find he and you have very different ideas on whats fair! You can get help from family court (counselling etc) to get an agreement in place but it can't be ordered/made legal until baby is born. |
Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:32am
Thank you for the support! I had a terrible night last night. SO (ex) has gone away for 2 weeks to sort some stuff out then is coming back. Had someone try to open my front door at about midnight, so I havent slept much! That, and I was just over-thinking everything and wound up pretty upset :( When can you go on the DPB? After bubs is born? Or can you go on it before? Im really scared im going to have to move :( Im really grateful for the government system we have in place though. A lof of us wouldnt cope without the WINZ system in place, its nice to know when times are rough, I have someone to turn to financially. -------------
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RicKer wrote:Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:37am
Im sorry to hear about you and your babys father. I would imagine that would have been quite tough, especially in the first trimester aswell when everything is all new and things like that! I wish my ex and I (it feels weird saying that) would have broken up then though. I have had problems with him since before baby even came into the picture. I tried to break up with him a few months before I got pregnant, and he was really upset on the phone and was telling me he loved me and didn't want me to leave. So I decided to stay. Sometimes I wish I had just been strong enough then and left. But then I wouldn't have my beautiful son growing inside of me :) Its so hard thinking about visits and custody agreements. I dont even want to go to court over anything. Do I have to? I mean if the babies father and I can sit down and come to an agreement regarding visits and things like that (I will no way in hell let him have custody, that would break my heart, and the reason we are breaking up is because hes not mature enough to look after a child), do we have to go to court over anything? Or do things have to be made legal in regards to all this? Thank you so much for your support! It means a lot -------------
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 10:45am
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Well I just rung WINZ and im going to have to move.
Paying 280 dollars by myself means that once thats paid, I will only have 23 dollars to live on, based on their estimate. Thats for food and bills :( Im sitting here in tears cause I have no idea where im going to go or what im going to do. The only thing thats keeping me happy is the little kicks im getting from my baby. There are no 2 bedroom places advertised at the moment that are that much cheaper than what im paying now, and all the 1 bedrooms are just caravans, which im not moving in to. It seems like by my ex moving out, things are just getting worse for me, not better. -------------
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:04am
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Would you be able to stay with family for a while so you could save some $$ and get a nice place and have a bit of support in those first few months? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:09am
I dont know. I dont want to ask, I feel like im just going to be a burden. I know my family wont see me that way, but I feel like im meant to be independent now :( -------------
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:15am
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Things will be rough for you right now - but in the end it will be better for you and your son.
That doesnt seem right, their logic i mean. Hopefully someone who has dealt with Winz will be able to give you some advice, because like RicKer said her rent is only $10 less then hers and im sure she has more then $23 left over!! Don't stress out just yet though, there will be a way around this. I think from 26weeks you can go on the sickness benefit - you say you are already on it, but perhaps switching reasons from anxiety to your pregnancy making you inable to work would be to your benefit. Your midwife will have to give you a medical certificate saying you are unfit to work and you will need to be assessed every 4 weeks. You can remain on this benefit for a short time after the birth as well. If your family are supportive, would you consider moving home? Its not ideal for many. I moved home about a month ago and my mom has been a lifesaver. I thought i was going to be way to proud to ever come back but after doing the sums it just makes sense for me. And my mom is stoked because she will get to see her grandson so much! I have been in your exact situation - 20 weeks pregnant and with nowhere to live, no money to start again, nothing but a bump and the knowledge there was a small person in there that i had to take care off. It was the worst feeling in the world - and honestly, i considered adopting baby out because i just felt so incapable of giving him a good life. BUT its all worked out for me and it will do for you as well. Don't give up. As for custody, no, you don't have to go to court. Me and my ex havent - but we did have a long talk (and i mean about 6 hours long) of what we both wanted for our child and we wrote out what we agreed on and we both have a copy. Its not legal, but hopefully it will cut down on arguements. I covered things like him being at the birth, him coming to the hospital - things that you don't even question with an SO but when its an ex it might not be the best place for them. For me, i'd rather not ruin the experience of my sons birth by risking a fight with my ex so he won't be there. He's a bit upset but accepts it. I can tell you other things we've agreed on too if you think it will help. We also drew up a seperate agreement for childsupport (yours will go through winz) and extras he will pay for. I can tell you about that too if you like. |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:17am
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Oh no, while i wrote my novel you all snuck in around me.
Don't feel like a burden. I pay board to live at home - and will pay more when baby arrives. And my mom is honestly stoked to have me here. My dad died a couple of years ago and if i wasnt here she'd be alone. I pull more then my weight around the house - she is working and i am home so i do the bulk of cooking and cleaning at the moment. A lot of people in our situation do move home - don't discount the option out of pride or anything. Its a seriously good idea if your parents are up for it. |
Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:29am
I think its because Ricker is on the DPB and im only on the sickness benefit. You get a lot more being on the DPB. They dont consider my son my child until hes out of my womb (I would beg to differ but whatever lol) I know the max rate for the DPB for one child is something like 270 dollars, where as with sickness its only 161. All up I was only entitled to 313 dollars, which would barely cover my rent. It makes no sense to me why they cant help out more, just for this short period of time until I am eligible for the DPB, but they have their rules set in place and I suppose they cant make an exception for one, otherwise they would have to do it with everyone. My family are very supportive of me. I dont want to ask to come home though. I feel like now that I am pregnant, I need to be independent. I just feel too proud I guess. I know in the end its the best decision to make just until I can save up a bit of money and get somewhere new to live, but right now I just dont want to ask :( i know I will have to eventually. The only other thing is if I get my ex to just live here (he actually wants to do this....) until I can go on DPB, then he moves out. Hes feeling pretty crap I think, that us breaking up is causing all these problems, but as you said, in the long run it will be better for me and my baby. I agree with you on the birth thing too. I have told my ex that I dont want him at the birth, as to me, birth is an experience that should be shared with people who love and support you, not just people who are gonna stand in the corner and laugh if you poo or anything embarrasing like that (trust me, he would laugh, then would tell all his mates...real mature) and arent going to support me through the whole experience. He said something along the lines of "its not about you its about the baby" and that got me mad and I said "actually its about me aswell, who the hell do you think has to push this baby out?".He can just deal with not being there. I dont want him there. I think all that stuff would help :) If you dont mind sharing. -------------
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:30am
The ONLY reason I dont wanna move home is cause of my step-dad (and cause im too proud). Him and I dont get along, and I know he would hate it if i moved back home. My mum would love it, but he wouldnt, and I know living in that situation would cause me a lot of stress, probably more than I am under living with my ex. I wish he was a different person...but i cant change people -------------
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:56am
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I will write more later, but just quickly:
I got my ex to agree to not be at the birth by talking up how magical the moment he first meets his son will be - how it'll be something special to remember the rest of his life and how he will treasure the moment he first holds him etc etc.....and that i'd hate to taint HIS memories with arguements. I spoke a lot about hormones and tiredness and stress and pain from the birth and made it out that if he waited a few days to come see us then HIS experience would be magical. Basically, made it sound better for him which always works well on my ex. If you don't want him there the hospital will remove him anyway - tell your midwife you don't want him near you and they'll get rid of him 
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:02pm
Your ex sounds like mine. Anything to do with HIM he will go for. Anything to do with ME, he wont. Dont worry, I will be telling the hospital I dont want him in the room. He can make a scene if he wants to, its just going to reinforce my decision to not have him there. -------------
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Posted By: nicandtyler
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:13pm
I just wanna say big hugs first of all, and I would consider moving home too, im in a bit of tricky situation at the moment too as ex keeps changing his mind about where he wants to go, I wanted to stay here in our place now so i dont have to move DS right before he starts kindy, but now not sure if ex is gonna move out, and I felt like you in that I didnt want to ask for help and move home, but it might just be what you need to do until you can get some more financial help from winz and get a nicer place? Its hard having people that you dont get along with too, but maybe if its just temporary? ANd like bowie said - if you dont want him there he'll get kicked out, my mums a midwife and shes had to do that a few times with guys that arent wanted, but they do leave, and you'll be able to enjoy your birth experience  because whether he likes to admit it or not, it is very much about you, and its important that you're in a good head space during childbirth ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
 April '11
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:20pm
Yeah im in that same situation too. I want ex to stay so I dont have to leave this house. That seems like the only way. This house is all set up for me, bubs room is all set up (decorations on the walls, cot set up, everything), I dont want to have to up and move. Once im on the DPB I can afford to live here easily, but i just need him to stay here until I bubs is born then he can move out. I know it would be stressful him being here, but I am feeling this whole moving home, getting everything all organised stuff is just more stress for me to handle :( another problem is that there is no room at mums for my stuff. I have so many things, and their shed is full. So I have nowhere to put it (their house isnt that big, so nowhere inside either). I am just txting him now, very upset about everything, and I sent him a very heartfelt message about how I am feeling, and he just said "Sorry, my mates here" and im like "right...so thats more important than what I am trying to say to you...got it". I just hate how he puts me second. Im carrying his baby :( And im always second in line. -------------
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 5:21pm
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I know it is hard, and there will no doubt be more challenges coming up which really sux.
My DH left when DS was 7 months old. I was working part time and had to work full time to pay the bills, but ended up selling our dream home as I didnt want to be constantly broke paying off a huge mortgage. That was hearbreaking - I had designed the cutest room for bubs and my 80 year old Poppa spent weeks jibbing, painting, hanging curtains etc to get it just right. Ive moved back home with my mum so I can save and get the kind of place I want to live in with DS in the future. Keep your eye on the end goal, and while it might not be ideal right now, it will be worth it in the end. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 7:59pm
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I remember seeing pictures of your nursury - but its not too late to move.
I would recommend you do move - living with your ex is only going to solve one problem: money. You will either get back together with him and have to go through this later on down the road, you will get back together with him for one night only and complicate your relationship or you will fight like rabid animals and stress yourself out which is not good for either you or baby. I would say step1: make an appointment with WINZ and go in to see a case worker in person. Explain your change in situation, and make it clear that moving would cause hardship and undue stress on you at a fragile time in your life. See what they say, if they can offer you ANYTHING to help you. If they can't then you will have to move and its better to do it now then putting it off until you're really heavily pregnant. Other options: taking on a short term flatmate to help pay for the house until you can go on the DPB and afford it alone. If you have to go home then it might help your head (and your stepdads head) to put a time limit on it. Say you move in now and you will move out before bubs is a year old. That way you both know that its not a permanent solution. (you can always extend this later if you have to )
Agree to pay board/rent and contribue to the chores equally. That means you won't feel a burden and your stepdad won't feel like you're in his space or taking advantage. Space will be an issue - i am sharing a room with my baby which plunket recommends anyway - and its taken some creative arranging to fit both of us in but we'll manage. Sell everything you don't need or love and save the money. Sell everything that you and your ex own together (or make him buy out your half). Then you'll have less things to store and more money for essentials (or save it for a bond on a new house when the time comes). Give your mom and stepdad space - have a tv in your room and watch it in there for example - occasionally. Go out with friends when you can. If you're all locked into a house together with no break you're more likely to fight then if you give each other lots of space. I know its really really hard not to fall back to the person you're used to relying on when you're upset - i've been there and almost had to cut my hands off not to txt my ex when we first split and i was feeling down. When you need to tell someone how you feel talk to a friend, or write it out here. It'll make you feel better then telling him and getting a lame-ass reply. |
Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:41pm
Gosh thank you so much for all the help! Its so appreciated, especially when I dont have really anywhere else to turn to! Im hoping if I go into WINZ they will help me out :( I just dont want to leave this place, its so good for me and bubs! But if I have to I will. If its whats best and if WINZ cant help me out then I have decided I will go back to my parents, at least for a bit until I can afford a place of my own again :) The sad thing for me, is that I dont have any friends here. All my old friends that lived here are just..idk...i cant hang out with them or talk to them, they are all too busy getting drunk or high (they were never like this when I hung out with them) and I just dont feel like im that immature to do that stuff. I have a baby on the way now and need to place myself with people that are good for me and baby. And those people just arent it! I envy those who have many friends, I wish I had someone there for support. I cant wait to start getting into antenatal classes and things like that, so I can meet new people! Its hard not having anyone to talk to. Thats why I come here, and I have a really amazing online friend who I have known for years who I talk to a lot about things. I have decided not to txt him anymore, unless its about baby and things like that. Its whats best. I want to be civil with him, but only when he grows up a bit. -------------
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:46pm
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Big hugs! I know the situation sucks right now but you will get through it and you will be a stronger person in the end for your baby. Its not easy but you need to look around and see what help you can get and then ask for it. Not sure where you live but in Tauranga there is a Single Parents Support Foundation and you can go to them and ask for help and advice.
Re the house thing, I agree with bowie. Living with your ex will only end in tears one way or another. That said, if I were you I would go to WINZ and explain what your situation is and see if there is anything at all they can do for you till you can go on the DPB. Any temporary allowance or anything at all. Is there any way you can earn any money at all - can you do telemarketing or sell stuff on Trademe to make some cash to tide you over. Are you able to get a flatmate? Re the living with your parents thing - my husband and I split up when my DD was 11 months old and I had to move back in with my parents (and I'm still here 14 months later...). Don't underestimate the value of the emotional support that they may provide for you. It isn't easy on your own and having other people around esp your mum may cushion you a little bit in the first few weeks after your baby is born. I didn't want to move home either, I left at 18 and had no plans to ever go back! My dad and I do not have a particularly easy relationship either but he has proved to be very helpful with Gabrielle and she loves him to bits. Just keep in mind that there are ways around everything they are just not easy to see. Sometimes you have to think outside the square a bit or do things that you might not otherwise have considered. My councellor said to me that I should try and imagine that life is a river and instead of struggling against it all the time I should float with the current. Just let stuff happen and remember that everything passes in time. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:54pm
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Looks like my post just crossed with yours.
Have a look around in your area and see if there are any groups you can join. There is a single parent group here and some of the coffee groups run by Plunket are pre as well as post baby. You will make new friends when you have your baby just look out for opportunities. I met people through plunket coffee groups, I went to a parent's center course and met people at that, I also tried a parents pram walking group and there were some nice people there too. Here is the forum for the single parent foundation in case you are interested: http://www.singleparents.co.nz/forum.html - Single Parent forum I also belong to a facebook group called single latte for single parents. I have never been to the events as they are mainly auckland I think but I think there are groups in wellington and chch as well and you can email/post for advice etc. You might be able to go along to events and meet people in a similar situation. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:08pm
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Where are you? I have a feeling you're in Oamaru but i have no idea why!!
I have only a few close friends for the same reasons - i am 23 and most of them are going out clubbing etc and i am at a different stage in my life. I will make new friends. Plunket does something for new parents, when i remember what its called i'll let you know! But your midwife will refer you when baby is born anyway. You can go to music and movement or other baby activities as well to meet friends. Playcentre would be another good one. |
Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:24pm
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Wow, so sorry to have you here!
I didn't read all the posts coz I'm far too tired lol but I did just want to say. Ring winz, make an appointment and talk to a case manager. They can give you an accomodation supplement to help you with your rent. Once you get to like 27weeks, your midwife can change your sickness benefit to being on it due to pregnancy. I was on the sickness bene before I got UTD and while I was flatting I got said acom sup. If you explain your situation to the case manager they should help. How many rooms is your house? If it's more then you need they'll suggest you find somewhere smaller. What about finding a boarder until bubs arrives? And yup, DPB comes in when you have bubs. And they expect you to drag your aching self with your cracked nipples and cluster feeding newborn to the WINZ building and have you fill out 50million forms while trying to juggle you boob, your baby, your breastpad (without putting it on the desk lol) and hold the paper and use a pen. Not ideal!! lol I'm living rent free at home, I'm VERY lucky. I get $283.66 a week. this includes childsupport. I think. Who knows lol. If you have any questions or anything feel free to PM me. I've been single since before I even got my BFP lol. So I know how tough it can be. I'm more then happy to give any support I can xxxxx |
Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:26pm
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Oh I'm *just* 24, and so far have made friends thru my ante natal class, I was very lucky to have a young group and our oldest mama is 32.
Also I did a plunket course called 'Your growing baby' You can join mainly music at a church or a playcentre. Even meet up with other OB mamas lol. Hun you'll be ok
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:46pm
Im in Tauranga :) Buuuut my really good online friend is from Oamaru! lol Also, how you said before you saw my nursery...I dont think I have posted any nursery pics up! Maybe I have idk lol scary! I cant wait to go to playgroups and things like that! i need friends! -------------
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:53pm
Hey there, thank you for your support! It helps having lots of it :) Yup, well I called WINZ this morning and it looks like im moving (they wont give me enough to cover everything I need), but some other ladies here suggested that I book an appointment with them and see how things turn out, they might be a little sympathetic. I only need temporary support up until the time I have bubs, then on to the DPB I go! There are 2 bedrooms in my house. One for me and one for bubs. Our house is only relatively small. I would call it a unit rather than a house (but its so nice, hence why I dont wanna leave!) I will definitely PM you if I need to talk! Its so amazing having good support :) A lot of you guys are really young! I thought you were all a lot older :) Its even better to have people my age (round about) that know what they are talking about! -------------
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:04pm
| Haha, i'm totally confusing you with another member then! Oops, my bad....not trying to sound stalkish. |
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 2:07pm
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I'm 21, my close mates have been really good about just staying in and watching crappy movies and making crappy movies with a few beers rather than going out and getting trashed and leaving me home all lonely and jealous and sober, haha.
It's so difficult with WINZ to get a definitive answer, every other person you ask seems to have a different answer, and neither the website or their pamphlets can give accurate figures. Which is another positive to living at home when baby arrives and getting all the finances sorted, parents seem to understand a stand-down period or general uselessness more than a landlord does. |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:03pm
I'm not that old either I'm only 28 and have already been married and am nearly divorced and have a 2 year old. Plus I have done Ironman and am a charted accountant. I feel like I have lived a lot in my life if that makes sense.------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:16pm
You did ironman!?  you're my new hero! I was planning iron (wo)man 2010 and coast to coast 2011 until this unexpected little one turned up!
/threadjack |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:20pm
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Yup in March 08 about 6/8 weeks before I got pregnant with G. It was amazing I would love to do coast to coast but kayaking is not really my thing. Maybe in a team one day. Have you done many tris? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:23pm
| Yeah, a handful but nothing big or impressive like that. Just the contact series, and ones organized by the local tri club. I'm a runner more then anything else so mostly did marathons but was trying to mix up training with biking/swimming and thought it'd be a good goal. I'm a crap swimmer and not much better on a bike though so i'll never be a great tri-athlete. Fun though!! Can't wait to get this bubba out so i can run again, weird as that sounds. |
Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:59pm
Your so lucky, my "friends" dont give a crap! They are like "just come out to town with us its ok!" or invite me to parties where they are just gonna be getting trashed or something..its like "im pregnant and not into that kinda thing anyway..." they never used to be like that ...only recently, started hanging out with other people and they got into the wrong crowds. I used to have an amazing friend from my church, who turned into one of the biggest drug addicts I know today. Was really sad :( Yup, gonna try make an appointment for WINZ tomorrow. Hopefuly they can see me this week (doubt it). They can really stuff you around a lot! -------------
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 8:44am
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Im 29 and feel like ive done heaps so far too! Most of my friends are good, but some just dont understand that I cant just go out whenever I want. yes, I could get a baby sitter but I actually enjoy spending time with my son
I was talking to someone who went to WINZ this week and waited for 2.5 hours to then get told to come back tomorrow with certain documents!! They certainly dont make it easy. I ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 10:41am
| ^^ Thats the sort of crap that freaks me out about going to get a DPB for the unpaid part of maternity leave.....wtf am i supposed to do with a 5 week old baby while i wait 2.5hrs!? I figure if he starts screaming they might see me just to get rid of me. |
Posted By: cheekymouse
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 11:08am
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You can ring WINZ and book and appointment to see them, that way you wouldn't hopefully have to wait 2.5 hours. When i ring WINZ i usually get an appointment within a week so if you plan ahead you should be ok :)
But in saying that i live in a smaller town so not sure if it is different if you live in a city :) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 7:21pm
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Sometimes you can have an appointment and still wait. I was lucky not to have to when I had my newborn but I've been with friends when they've waited ages..
If you try get a nice early appointment it's before all the walk ins come coz it them that make you wait. |
Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 17 January 2011 at 9:47pm
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StephieG- I was in a simialr situation as you i was 23 and pregnant (25 now), i went through my whole pregnancy alone and at times it was really hard . Hang in there , you sound like you will make a great mumma . The benefits far out way the negatives . . have you asked WINZ about temporary aditional support ? im not too sure all the ins and outs of it but basically its a form of support to help you pay your rent if your situation changes , For example my cousin was living with her spouse and child and they were paying $310 a week rent ( in christchurch) , when they broke up she was allowed to stay in the house (and go on the full dpb) and winz coverd her rent with the temporary aditional support , She has stayed in that house since they broke up 3 years ago so i dont really know why they call it "temporary " she has basically been told that if she moves somewhere else she will have to find a house that is ALOT cheaper but because she is staying in that house that she originaly rented with her spouse at the time she can pretty much stay there and have the temporary aditional support until she decides to move . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 12:28am
They told me I am only entitled to 40 dollars TAS :( -------------
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 10:16am
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I was 19 when I got pregnant with my daughter, me and her father had been together for, ooh maybe a few hours when she was concieved cos im preeeeetty sure I got pregnant on the first date (oooops )
We went out for 7 weeks, broke up, I told him I was pregnant,he freaked out, wanted me to terminate etc etc, 3 days later said he had decided he was going to support me and has ever since,he is a part of Caitlyn's life but my husband is more her dad in every way that counts than her bio dad could ever be.... I went through the pregnancy alone, apart from my parent's support but knowing what its like to go through pregnancy with a partner, its nowhere near the same,still at the time I was just consumed with excitement about baby so I didn't really notice. But what you said in your first post, about you being the only one wanting to stay around for baby....life is not black and white, and as ideal as it might be, some parents really are better off apart, and its better for the baby to have two happy separate parents than two miserable ones together. But even if it is just you who is excited etc, that is more than enough for baby, so long as he feels loved by someone, thats all that counts. I know how hard single parenting is, I was a single parent for 5 years and I can honestly say its a lot easier with a partner,(well, a GOOD supportive partner ) but you will be able to do it, just take it one day at a time ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 18 January 2011 at 10:22am
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Oh and im 29 now too, apparently, least thats what they tell me, despite being sexually attacked at 18, seeing people die in front of me, having a close friend die, being a mum to an 8 year old, meeting the most awesome guy on the planet and managing to marry him, having had another baby and now being pregnant with my 3rd I still have days when I think " noooo 29 sounds too old, I must really only be 20 "
When im 30 I can just see myself going into complete denial .... -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 8:14pm
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Well, the ex is back from his holiday, and now everything is worse than ever. Idk when the hell he is leaving :( Hes waiting to find a job before he does, because he has no money to leave. Idk what im meant to do, where im meant to go. Im just at a loss. I know I should go into WINZ and talk to them and all that, but im just not strong enough....Im so overloaded with emotion I dont feel like I can fix this.
Sometimes, I dont want my little boy. That makes me cry just typing that, but its true. I have had it drilled into me that im going to be a bad mother, that im a bad person. I dont want that life for my son. I dont want my ex to have anything to do with him :( I feel like he is going to corrupt him, and hes going to grow up to be such a different little kid than what I have planned for him. Im just at a loss. I feel so alone :( -------------
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Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 8:32pm
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Hugs Stephi, I feel the pain. Maybe you should go to your mother's for a bit. I would be completely lost without my parents' help right now. Can you take someone with you to WINZ for support?
Do you think you may have PND? It does sound a bit like it and it's certainly not helped by your situation. Perhaps you should talk to someone about it. You're not a bad person either.
It might be worth talking to a lawyer about parenting agreements and the like for when the baby is born. I know this is such a big thing to do though - you need to get someone to go with you. |
Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 9:07pm
I want to go stay with my mum for a bit, but dont even want her to know about this situation. I feel embarrased. Well I actually do have depression and anxiety stuff (have had it since before I was pregnant). Im on meds for it atm (so I dont get PND), but they arent doing much :( Wish they would though! Im so scared to talk to lawyers. Ex keeps talking about going for custody but says hes only kidding but I dont know if I believe him. The thought of losing my little boy makes me so scared and upset. Its a horrible thing to think about! I think I do need to do it though! Because otherwise its going to get worse, especially when bubs is born -------------
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Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 9:23pm
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D'oh, sorry, had some sort of mental disconnect. Obviously you don't have PND, baby is still in your tummy.
I was also really embarrassed to tell my parents anything. I was thinking, man, they're going to think I'm a real idiot for allowing this to happen to myself. Well, they didn't, obviously! They just want to help me and want the best for me. I'm glad I told them. I don't know who would joke about child custody, that's crazy! I'd say it's a very good reason to see a lawyer. Not getting on your case though, I know it's soooo hard. I am just starting down this road myself. Good luck! |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 19 January 2011 at 9:40pm
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I was embaressed to tell my mom too - i put it off for nearly 2 weeks and it was so tricky trying to put on a brave (lie) face for her when i was feeling so rough. When it came out was the biggest relief - i didnt even ask to move home, she offered straight away and drove a couple of hours to bring me a care package and a hug.
Its going to have to come out sooner or later, my advice would be to tell her instead of doing it all alone. Also, start looking into a lawyer. Some will do legal aid if you can't afford one. I was told they can't set any agreements into place until after the baby is born - but its best you get individual advice regarding your situation. I suffer from depression as well, so i really understand your feelings of hopelessness - hang in there, it will get better. |
Posted By: fallen
Date Posted: 20 January 2011 at 12:51pm
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The lawyer I and some other single mums I know used is a lady named Terangi Bartlett. She works for Keam and Associates in Willow Street. She does legal aid and she is lovely. ------------- |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 27 January 2011 at 10:57pm
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Shell - you weren't silly to suggest PND - you can get it ante-natally and very common for people with relationship problems and separated etc.
I just have a couple of suggestions. It seems to me that the very first thing you need to do is deal with your anxiety and depression as best you can (counselling, doctors - whatever you need to do) because until that's under better control, you're not going to have the strength and resources to do what you need to do to make this step - and it IS a big step, even if you know it's the right one and is the best one. Speaking from experience - I am being treated for PND and managing well now. The second thing I'd like to say is that I first separated from my husband when I was pregnant for about 4mths and I was much more anxious about it then than I was this time when we separated when DS was about 9mths old. I think it's because you seriously don't know what you are in for and are very anxious anyway about having a baby and what to expect and whether you'll cope etc. Can I just assure you that with the right support, you definitely will - you'll be fine. But just make sure that you get your mental health treated so that it's stable, and make decisions when you're feeling strong enough to - don't put too much pressure on yourself in the meantime. And arrange for support ahead of time when you have baby. The first three months is the hardest, and then things will get easier. I suggest having family members to stay with you at that time or organizing Parent Aid, talking to Maternal Mental Health about what support they can offer you. |