Silly Christian in need of some support..
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Topic: Silly Christian in need of some support..
Posted By: RachFizz
Subject: Silly Christian in need of some support..
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 12:44pm
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Hey everyone, this is mainly directed at Christians, because I feel that they would identify with my beliefs, but anyone can feel free to answer... Although if you don't agree with that kind of thing, don't waste your time reading. My intention is not for this to become a debate.
Gosh I feel ridiculous! But here goes.... I have strongly felt, for a long time, that my husband and I are meant to have children. I know it's stupid, but I can't make it go away. I would love to stop caring, I have prayed for that, but this desire is firmly etched on my heart. I feel that I've had a lot of confirmation in this, except for the main one: my husband feeling the same way.
We both go to church, but I feel like his faith is lacking, and when I question him about what he thinks he's called to do in this life, all I get is accusations because he gets so defensive. We're on completely different paths now and I don't know what to do. I feel like he drags me down and it's hard to stay strong in what i believe in.
I gave up my studies because I couldn't concentrate on any of it, because I was so consumed by the longing to start a family, and also because I became ill, and am still struggling with fibromyalgia. It caused me to lose my job. We are now having really bad money problems. I can't understand what the point of all this is. I can't understand why I want kids at such a bad time. I wish I could stop thinking about it! I shouldn't even be on this site!
It sounds really unhealthy, it makes me question if this is all really from God or not, but my heart and my spirit tells me that it is. Although I felt the same way about marrying my husband, and now that seems like it was all wrong!
I thought I was doing the right thing, making the right decisions. But my life has kind of fallen apart.
I'm finding it hard not to be angry and bitter. Someone please help me to see the big picture....
Sorry for the massive woe is me, didn't know where else to turn, man I feel pathetic! Any comments appreciated.. ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Replies:
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:24pm
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You seem to be really down & you have a lot on your plate. I don't think having a baby right now will help things. Babies don't make relationships stronger they test them.
You need to take time out for you, get your health sorted, once you are feeling physically & mentally stronger things are easier to cope with. Try for a part time job as it will keep you busy & help with the financial problems. You DH is probably stressed about the thought of having a baby & having to support everyone. I would talk to him & both make compromises. Marriage is hard work. Are you able to talk to someone at church? |
Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:44pm
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I am not Christian anymore, and my DH is. From reading your post you seem really concerned about his faith. In my experience faith vaires depending on your life situation and how you deal with problems on a personal level. I dont mean to offend you in any way, and it may just be how I am reading your post but it sounds like you are seeing DH's lack of faith as behind many of your problems and are beginning to resent him for this.
Financial problems can be really challenging and put a lot of stress on a relationship. If there is anything you can do to bring in extra money it will help allieviate a lot of the pressure. As much as you are desperate for a baby (I completely understand I have been struggling wanting one for years) I agree with jazzy, you need to get your relationship and finances sorted first. Even pregnancy is very stressful on a relationship and can be costly depending on what you need. We are currently going through financial problems and it is very stressful and at times putting strain on our relationship and if we had been better prepared we could have avoided it. I would definitely see if you can get some relationship counselling or talk to someone at church about the problems. Relationships can definitely work with partners between differing levels of faith or differing religions. It just requires a bit more compromise and acceptance that you may not be in the same place faithwise and working around it. |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:51pm
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How long have you been trying to become pregnant Rach? The reason I ask is this - your problems seem typical of someone and a couple dealing with fertility issues and the emotional journey that comes from that.
Fertility issues (I'm assuming - I may be wrong, and if so I apologise, although hopefully I can come up with something helpful  ) become incredibly consuming ad the repurcussions can be massive. My DH and I have a strong relationship and it very nearly sunk us.
I think that potentially your husband is not reacting to children as such, but perhaps the way that having children is potentially consuming your relationship - it's quite typical, but very, very difficult, and of course, guys don't communicate these feelings that well, and often just get absolutely sick of talking about it. We are biologically built towards having children, but I found I had to take a real look at myself and my desire to have children. Apart from hormones building with age, I wanted a child to make our family, and I wanted a child with my husband because I love him - I wanted *our* child. When I couldn't have a child, I had to take a step back and realise that it wasn't worth losing the very thing that caused the want of a family in the first place 
Giving up your studies and not working will likely mean that your focus will be a lot stronger too, and you sound quite down to me. Have you got other activities etc you're involved in? I'm just wondering (and I'm not asking, more asking you to think about) what sorts of conversations you and DH have most of the time - are you constantly talking about a baby/family/working towards it, or can you go for lengths of time where it doesn't come up? I really don't think it's wise to question his faith - remember that guys feel things, and process things much differently to women, and it could well be that he doesn't feel as strongly as you do at this point. He may feel that his marriage has become about having a baby, and perhaps he just wants a wife for a while? He may be feeling as though it's difficult to talk to you about these things if you are feeling quite (understandably) emotional. It's a hard road - remember that, but I definitely think you need to introduce some positive activities into your life, and help give yoruself something else to focus on. My pet was to give myself activities/treats around the time my period was due (eg. look forward to buying a magazine or something, coffee out, whatever) and to make a list of things I'd never done that I probably wouldn't manage with a child (eg. go to a concert!) so that I got some joy back. Planning things helped keep me positive. I second Jazzy's suggestion about having someone to talk to - I think you probably need to be able to have a third party to help you Or, of coruse, there's us lot   ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:51pm
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Crap. Sorry. That was a bit long! ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: tictacjunkie
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 2:22pm
| Not a Christian but I can identify with your beliefs a bit. Perhaps your husband's reservation isn't a lack of faith but fear out of concern for you & your health? Men are odd creatures, I wouldn't try to read too far into what he does or doesn't say as you'll never get it right by guessing, we can't think like men (thank goodness), but in my experience with DH & my brothers the moment they become defensive end the conversation otherwise it turns into an argument every time. |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 2:36pm
 Rach. I can check a few boxes - Christian, history of fibromyalgia, waiting for things that I felt God had told me would happen .... I also had depression which added a lovely component into the mix
In my case, I felt God had told me I would marry my then boyfriend. Four years later, I was still waiting and in waiting impatiently, nearly destroyed my relationship with him (he's now my husband). I put everything on hold in my life and kept pushing him to commit and propose. As a result my life was really one dimensional, I was really dissatisfied, nearly lost my faith but most of all, I completely lost myself. The only thing in my life that was meaningful was the dream of a relationship but I did a good job of nearly completely destroying the dream. What did I do? Basically made a decision (and a bit of a bargain with God, I guess). I decided to get on with my life. Living my life based on a dream/hope was incredibly dissatisying and just made my depression worse. I tried to identify some things that I enjoyed and things that I would like to do even if I was married. My family were great - I went to visit my brother overseas. I did some night courses. Started some postgrad study. Got into my job .... I tried to do some things for me, things that I enjoyed that gave me some joy and satisfaction and it helped make me a more complete person. DH also preferred that I wasn't a marriage-obsessed person and I was much more enjoyable to be around! He ended up proposing and we got married. It wasn't easy though - because I had built marriage up in my mind as being this wonderful thing, the reality took some adjusting to. And TBH, the same can be said for kids. I actually went through the same thing while we were waiting to conceive but becuase I'd been through the ordeal with waiting for marriage, I had some better strategies that I could use to keep going and not stop and wait for DH to be ready to conceive. Sorry - that's a real waffle. Basically, I'm trying to say I can understand where you're coming from. You're not crazy and you're not the only person who has been through this or who is going to go through this in the future. Have you got any wise women in your church? Sometimes they can be an increfible source of wisdom and advice and can be great to help you offload and sort out all the things going through your mind. I would also really really really encourage you to look at your relationship. Parenting is bloody hard and will put pressure on your marriage. I think (and many Christian parenting authors) would say that it is crucial that you and your DH have a strong relationship. Your kids will leave home but your DH won't - your marriage should be about more than the kids/hypothetical kids as it should outlast them. I would really encourage you to think about what is meaningful in your life or what you would like to do in your life, other than motherhood. When you imagine yourself as a mum, what kind of mum are you? What do you enjoy doing? What would your relationship with your DH be like? How would you work together? What would your day look like? Are there things in that image that you could start to explore while the mum side of things is on hold? Sorry - don't know if that helps at all. Feel free to PM if you want to vent ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 3:22pm
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Flissy... that is just wonderful advice... for everyone! -------------   
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 3:26pm
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i'm not a believer but i heard something this morning that sounds relevant to you:
Religion (or faith or whatever you want to call it) is a path. just because you lose the way doesnt mean the path isnt still there waiting for you. on another level i do know that the desire to have children can be all consuming and can take over your whole life if you let it. Sometimes though you have to just try and let things go and reset yourself. I remember once my husband said to me "do we have to have sex to make a baby - cant we just have sex!?" It was funny cause i had never seen it from his perspective before that. |
Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 7:05pm
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Not a Christian either, but I know how overwhelming wanting a baby can be.
I guess if you need something to keep you on track, think about getting into a better situation for your future kid's sake. More savings = more time on maternity leave, better job = better chances for flexible working, happier marriage = better environment for your kids. It sucks to wait, but when it happens, it will be amazing, and you will be so glad you are in the right situation. Good luck. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 8:07pm
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Not religious either but at a guess I would say that you didn't just marry your DH because you thought that that was what god wanted? So have a think about why you did marry him, sometimes we get caught up in the day to day, the little quarrels etc and forget what drew us together in the first place.
Then I would suggest making a plan, if he's not ready now, worried about finances etc (my DH was like that too, no time would have been right for him financial, I'm sure if we had won lotto he still would have worried about!) then you need to accept that those reasons are valid for him and come up with a way of moving forward. So maybe you could decide that you have x amount of money in the bank first or that you will start trying at a particular time so you have a goal to focus on and in the mean time maybe go back to study or part time work so you have something else to focus on? Failing that then perhaps some counselling would help to get you to work through it together? ------------- 
 
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 11:20pm
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Thank you everyone for your comments, very helpful to see things from the outside Ginger, no we are not TTC, so don't know if we have fertility issues, but thanks for your advice all the same.
I understand that we need to be in a very stable situation for having kids, I would not want to jeopardise their futures in any way. I guess I just thought this year would go differently, considering what I thought I had heard from God, but obviously it was not meant to be, and need to rearrange the way I look at things. I know I'm just acting like a big child going 'it's not fair God, why me!?' but I needed to get that out I guess.
Just got back from a gettogether with a few friends and am in a much better headspace. Going to try and fix my focus onto other things for awhile, and hopefully make a time to talk to DH about our future. He is reluctant to put any timing on things at all, I think he just sees his whole life going down the tubes when we have a kid, and he's very freaked out. It does make sense, but I would love to be able to have goals to work towards. To take things in steps... It has been good writing this all out, as it has helped me realise my faults as well.
It's kinda like we believe in the same things, but the way we apply it to our lives is really different. He has a much more relaxed attitude towards following the bible and it frustrates me. I think that's where the resentment is coming from. And with having kids, I feel like it's not only what I want, but my purpse, whereas his ambitions seem selfish to me. I this is wrong, I need to try harder to understand it..
Wow Flissty, I have also suffered from depression. Awesome advice, and it's great to hear how you faced a similar situation and got through it Anyway, another novel, thank you again
ETA: yeah I really should find someone at church to talk to. I've never been to any of the older ladies for advice, but I'm going to have to try. I'm kinda shy/scared - silly I know ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
I've talked to ladies more my age who are kind of my mentors, but they don't really understand where I'm coming from and they're not married or anythingPosted By: Henna79
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 7:53am
Great to hear you are feeling better about things Rach! I wasn't sure what to say before as Flissty had put it all so well I didn't reply. We always seem to struggle with the timing thing huh? We have lots of issues with conceiving and tried for years and years before our miracle happened now I just wish the next one would hurry up and happen!!  God really does do things in his own time and when they happen boy are they awesome and so much more appreciated. I so get ya on the shy thing. I am not sure I would go to anyone at my church to talk about much as my parents are the Pastors Somehow they always find out what is going on anyway.
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 8:33am
| have just read some of your other posts and cant help but wondering if your husband and you talked about this stuff before you got married? You definitley have a lot more issues that you could be concentrating on other than TTC, and i cant help wondering if you are using your desire for a baby as an excuse to avoid the issues that need to be dealt with now. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 12:00pm
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I am guessing you are both pretty young in which case I can totally understand your husband not being ready yet....I know I was not ready for kids til I was in my 30s. If you keep pressuring him for something he is not ready for, he will prob end up resenting you. And ya know, God might have a plan for you to have kids but maybe not yet, he might be meaning in a few years!
Work on other areas of your life...maybe like someone said set a financial goal...are there other goals you want to achieve as well? Coz trust me, once you have kids it will be a heck of a lot harder. Life changes SO much when you add babies in the mix, enjoy being young and married while you can lol.... ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 12:12pm
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Big Picture................You have only been married for less than two years and you're young, enjoy this time together, live your life, you won't get this time back again. We live in a wonderful country full of endless possibilities and we are among the luckiest people in the world, enjoy it, don't sit and dwell in the "what could have been". Life is about the journey, not the destination
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 1:01pm
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We did have tentative ideas about when we would have kids, but now we have both changed a little. I really did not feel strongly about having kids then, I had assumed that I would want to wait a lot longer. This desire to start my own family has knocked me for six. I know that it does not make sense in terms of where we are at in our lives, but believing it's from God, and having faith in His plans, I thought things would turn out a bit differently. Now I feel stupid coz when does God ever do things the way you would expect?
I know that we have issues, and I am not trying to avoid things. I see my desire to have a family as the root cause of our issues, so that's why I wanted to talk to DH about what he believes about it. I gave my life to God and put first what his plans are for my life, instead of my own. I believe in stepping out in faith and trusting that God would provide. This is not the way the world lives, so I can see why some people don't understand my actions or my views...
I don't really know how to explain much more than that, will definitely be finding someone to talk to face to face about these things ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Bizzy wrote:Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 1:12pm
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Maybe God is doing what is best for you....maybe he wants you to be settled & happy before having kids...maybe he wants you to question your feelings & beliefs.
I wonder if the desire to have a baby comes from being lonely or bored, wanting a baby to love & look after & fill a gap. Things change in marriages, feelings change, maybe something has happened that's makes you feel the need to have a baby now. I did suggest you talk to someone in the church, but maybe you need someone completely neutral to use as a sounding board. |
Posted By: JD
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 4:45pm
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I am a christian and I agree with some of the advise the others have given you.
It is such a special time the first few years of marriage when you dont have kids (we didn't have that since I came into the marriage with a dd already). You will never get that same time back again so I would really take advantage of the opportunity this time brings you... Secondly, my dh is a relatively new christian and I can relate to some of what you are saying... All I can say is that you cannot change anybody else but yourself. Work on yourself and find the areas you need to grow and improve on and you might be surprised at the changes you see in your DH. As a wife I beleive you need to get in behind your husband and support them and love them no matter what. They have a whole different set of worries and fears that we don't quite understand and I have found that just a litte bit of "wow honey, your amazing", "what a great idea honey", "I am glad I have you in my life" etc etc does wonders for their ability to step out and take what they would see as a risk. Also, there is a great book by Stormie Omatian (sp?) called 'Power of a Praying Wife". This has some great prayers that you can pray over your dh so if anything else you feel like you are doing something. useful.....keep in mind, you cannot change him! I would so encourage you to enjoy the time together now because children bring a whole different ball game to the household! All the best! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 5:42pm
They also need a good kick up the butt...
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Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 7:03pm
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great advice from everyone. We have been married a little over 9 years and had DS1 after 6 years of marriage. I like you wanted to have kids early on I was 23yrs old and felt like i wanted to start a family. I thought God wanted us to as well.
BUT it didn't happen for 4 years and thank God it didn't because I think back now and we were not ready. We needed that time to build a strong marriage and grow together. We had a fanastic time together we went out with friends , to dinner, movies had lots of time together, went on hoildays. I studied we got on with our lives. Because I knew that God wanted us to have kids and he would make it happen, I had to be patient. We were and in 2007 DS1 was born , what a suprise i was working full time studying part time we had been in our new house we brought for 6 months. But the timing was perfect and we weren't TTC i wasn't focused on it. It was the right time in God's eyes and part of the plan. So my advice is focus on your life and what do you want to look back on when your 75yrs old and sitting down with a cup of tea and talking to your great grand kids. Do you want to have great stories to tell of a life lived to the fullest?? I do -------------  
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 7:25pm
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I have strong faith, so I understand the belief in 'God's plan'. But I also think that we can become clouded by our own requirements and can make believe that they are 'God's will'. Focus on your relationship with your Husband, make each other your priority, and good things will follow. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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