How did you cope?
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=37105
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Topic: How did you cope?
Posted By: RachFizz
Subject: How did you cope?
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 12:19pm
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I seems that I am going to be 'waiting to ttc' for a long time, and just wondering if anyone has any stories/advice to help me deal with this?
I know we are young, but I feel so strongly about having children. I've lost interest in everything else and I don't think this is healthy! How do I CARE about other things> I'm not really bothered about the house, the career or the travel (or the three societally prescribed pre-ttc events as I like to view them). Obviously it is important to have a secure situation, and I am going to focus on working towards this, but I don't feel that travel would be that fulfilling for me.
I'd also like to hear from anyone who has an overly ambitious DH, whose plans you've had to support and work around? My hubby has decided he wants to pursue a career in boxing and I detest the sport.
If you believe divorce is the best idea then that's fine, I'm open to your opinions.
Sorry if I seem bitter, I'm really struggling right now. TIA. ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Replies:
Posted By: jano1
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:10pm
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I think its great to want to have kids but TTC'ing can take over your life which is not healthy. I know for us, it certainly did when we TTC DD and I'm trying not to let it happen this time around. To stop myself obsessing I need regular contact with people to talk about other stuff and I have several hobbies (and a busy toddler) to keep me grounded.
It sounds like you know what you want. Are you waiting to TTC? If so I don't see the problem with saving some money to out towards a house so that when you do have kids, there is some security. Also its great to have outside interests as kids can be pretty consuming and its easy to lose your identity once they come along. As for your hubby, I have a DP who works very hard at something he is passionate about and I'm so happy he has found something he loves. It's hard work as he is away a lot and when he is home he is always busy but I'd rather him do something he loves than be stuck in a job/career just to pay the bills. The best advice I can give is make sure you keep communicating with your DH- does he know how you feel? |
Posted By: _Lou_
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:13pm
Hi Rach, sorry to hear things aren't so easy right now
I don't have children (yet.... I hope!) although we are TTC. My DH and I are both in our 30's. We've been TTC now for 7 months, so I can appreciate how frustrating the whole process is. My DH really wants kids as much as I do, however he is the one who reminds me how much our lives are going to change when our children do arrive. It doesn't sound like a huge comfort when you really want kids now, but there are things in our lives that won't be happening when we have kids. So I try and make the most of those things, whatever they are, and enjoy them. Those things don't necessarily include a house, travel or career. They are the small things like getting away at the last minute for a chill out weekend. Heading out for dinner and date nights whenever we decide to cos we don't have to worry about babysitters! These are just little things that we enjoy, and not all the time if we are a bit short on money, but you get the idea. Basically, treasuring the time DH and I have just the two of us before our lives change and allbeit for the positive, never just the two of us again! As I'm sure you know, marriage is about compromise and giving and taking, and I guess if my husband had a burning desire to go for a new career in something, I would want to support that if it made him happy. It would need to be the right thing for us as a couple/family as well, but the consequences of denying my partner something like a career change could be potentially quite damaging. It sounds as though he is pretty goal oriented, which is a good thing I would've thought?Can he not pursue the career and a family? My DH started his own business last year and that has been huge for both of us, but I'm so proud of his achievement and even though there has been some stress along the way, he has grown so much in that time. Just keep communicating with him and ensure you are both on the same page. Not sure if this is any help to you, I do hope you find a plan that works for you both 
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:23pm
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Im not totally in the same boat as you but i kind of am. We are TTC but its not very likely we going to get UTD by ourselves.
At the moment i feel like my life is falling apart! Xmas is all about kids and i just feel that there is a HUGE hole in our lifes. I have been focusing on small goals- getting bloods done for FA, DP doing his test, me losing weight (actually thats a big one) and this has helped a lot. I think once we get through xmas and I will cope better. is there a reason that your DH cant have his career and you have a baby? and big 's ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:40pm
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TTC really does your head in & I have had to take a step back from it. It can suck the fun out of DB'n & the romantic side as after awhile all you are doing it for is a baby & month after month, yr after yr it gets hard.
I think/feel it is easy to lose yourself & having kids makes things a lot harder. You need your DH to be on the same page as you. If you love him & want our marriage to work then sit down & talk
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Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 1:41pm
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Firstly big hugs Rach
It certainly ain't easy. Off the bat I would say that if these are the only issues then definitely don't think you need to be thinking about divorce - as the others said the big thing is the communication between you guys. I am a planner (almost an obsession lol) so for me I would be putting together a plan with DH. Sitting down and saying OK so what do we need to do before we can actively start to TTC, and then you can put together a time line and work to getting these things achieved, like Waiting is things seem so much more achievable when broken down. Also if DH seems to be putting it off by creating the list together if you can tick everything off then makes it harder to keep putting it off! 
I am guessing that the events of the last 2 weeks or so has made things worse for you, as all of a sudden it was something that seemed so real and seemed like a real possibility. Take care - and remember we are all here to help as much as we can  -------------  3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: Mum_mum
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 4:10pm
I think TTC can make you go a bit ummm loopy... well after my MC I defiantly went a bit obsessive about having a baby and think DH thought I went a bit mad 
Reading your posts I really think you need to chill out a bit, I know that doing that is hard and trying to find other things to do/think about it really hard but its important you do before things get bad. For me, i had DD at 23, and although I really don't regret it one bit I do wish I had taken the time to do a few things for myself and wish I hadn't grown up so fast. Its hard watching your friends still out partying, travelling, moving to new cities, buying cool things when you can't do any of that for a long time really. Just even thinkin about studying is hard as I have to work out what to do with DD and when to have the next baby etc. I also think its important that you get in a good head space as you don't want to be at risk of postnatal depression/aniexty. JMHO but wishing you luck with whatever happens ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
 Angel baby - May 2008
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 6:05pm
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Thanks guys for the advice and hugs, and in answer to some of your questions- no he doesn't believe he can have a career and a family. He thinks everything would get in the way of what he wants to do- which makes sense at this age. It's just hard that we want completely different things.
I've tried to have goals in working towards becoming ready, but DH doesn't wanna know about it. I just wanted to have a date set, and be able to appreciate other things, and focus on a job/studies til then. However, he refuses to set a date. He would feel very constrained by that. I know I sound very down, and loopy, probably didn't pick the best time to post. Trust me, I am trying my very best to talk things through with him, but a lot of the time, he refuses. I am also talking to other people about it, but I don't know many people in this situation, so they can't really empathise.
I guess I'm doing the same thing to him as he's doing to me- I don't understand at all why he wants to box, just as he doesn't understand why I want to TTC. Will be trying to talk more about, and hope he's willing to do this
Sorry, just needed to vent to cyberspace... ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 6:15pm
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Did you have TTC plans before you were married or early in marriage? Just wondering if things have changed or you were hoping for them to change.
It sounds like your DH wants everything his way & not willing to compromise. As I said on your other one I think it is important to get everything else under control before having a baby cause if there are cracks then a baby can can widen them. You need to be happy & do what will make you happy
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Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 7:10pm
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Hugs!
I can totally understand where you're coming from as my DP was similar to your DH. At first he was adament he didn't want children full stop so I had to do a little ground work there to get him to realise it wouldn't be the end of the world and that financially we would cope. I had to point out to him that I had life plan just like him and from there put down my case of when I wanted to stop the pill etc. Thankfully he agreed and actually even let me stop the pill earlier. Not sure if my story is helpful. I guess you have to keep working on it and hopefully he will agree sooner rather than later. |
Posted By: _Lou_
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 7:49pm
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Rach it sounds as though you and DH need to have a serious talk about things. As I said earlier, marriage is about give and take and that applies to him too. Your DH is still quite young, and men do have a tendancy to be a bit more immature than us women!
Hugs hon, its not easy. Good luck x |
Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 10:12pm
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If you don't mind me asking Rach how old are you both and how long have you been married? ------------- 3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 14 December 2010 at 11:35pm
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I turned 22 in september, he's 22 in january Wedding stuff is on my ticker
I know we have LOADS of time, but knowing that in my head doesn't translate to knowing it in my heart. I am a very sensible person, but I do lead with my heart... I can definitely understand where everyone is coming from, I'm trying so hard to let this desire die.. I've made plans to go back to some form of study next year, and hopefully I can apply myself to it, despite my illness, and put it ahead of TTC plans...
DH has been challenging me to come up with one olympic athlete who already had kids when they won a medal. I'm stumped. Although knowing him he'll go off the olympics idea in the next little while anyway !
For me it's just hard not having a plan, and a date that is in the foreseeable future. I am a plans person aswell, but he is very go with the flow... ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
I wish he was older than me, I am much more mature than him and it is so frustrating..Posted By: LadyBee
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 8:24am
Barbara Kendall ?? ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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RachFizz wrote:Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 8:47am
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Absolutely LadyBee - and thats with being a female so going through more than a male does when it comes to having a family!!
Rach I don't want this to sound like a lecture in any way but thought I would share my story. I got married at 21, and my life was kids, from when I was little I said married by 21 kids by 23. I was consumed by it for ages, however cracks started appearing in our relationship. Eventually at 25 I left him, it was the hardest decision of my life but at the same time the easiest as I knew that I wanted children so badly but needed to make sure that the relationship was there forever before. I am now with the most amazing man, who will be the most amazing father to my kids, now TTC is a major part of my life again, but with no niggling side issues going on. I am not by any means saying that leaving him is the right decision for you, but you do need to make sure that your relationship is sound before bringing children into it. I have a good friend with Fibro as well, who some days really struggles with what are perceived as simple things, so feel you will need 100% support from your DH when having a child as it could well flair up in the lead up to child birth or after. Oh man that did sound like a lecture - sorry sweets!! Hope you have got to know me enough in the past few weeks in the TWW thread to know its not the intention ------------- 3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: _Lou_
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 9:05am
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That's good advice Monkeys Like a lot!
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 12:25pm
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That's alright, it's good to hear other people's stories Great advice
I am feeling quite a lot better now, have been tryna plan what to do next year, and it's good having something else to look towards ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 12:50pm
Nice glad your feeling better 
So do share...what is on the master plan! ------------- 3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 4:24pm
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Well I'm still tossing up between a few things. I'm looking into becoming a PORSE educator, also thinking about doing a beautician course, or adding on to my science degree. Lol bit of a random mix.
Just read through the ttc threads- sorry to hear that AF showed! ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Was really hoping it'd be your month. Hope you have a great time this weekend Posted By: Princess_Bubs
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 4:30pm
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Becoming a PORSE Educator sounds like a great idea! I did that for a few years, and it's fabulous experience. You'll be sure to pick up lots of Do's (And Dont's!!!!) for when you do have your own kids
Waves to Monkeys.... see you in a due thread soon ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Two Precious Angel Babies 2010 / 2011
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Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 15 December 2010 at 4:35pm
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Thanks ladies - I am doing OK on the AF front - new years baby it is for me!! And a drink or 3 this weekend
The porse thing sounds great - I had a friend up here who worked for them and loved it! It also could be a good way of fulfilling your having a baby thing....it definitely won't replace it but may be enough for a while
Keep your head up chick everything will fall into place ------------- 3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: BethanyG
Date Posted: 18 December 2010 at 9:08pm
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Hey, just wanted to jump in and say you're not alone! DH and I are 21, have been married for close to three years now. We've set a date for TTC but it depends on a few things. I'm totally baby crazy, feel like I'm wasting time with my work and study and it freaks me out when he says he doesn't like kids (but assures me he will love our own). Just wish we could be trying now!! So lets hang in there, it will happen eventually
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 22 December 2010 at 2:26am
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Good to hear from you Bethany Doing a lot better lately tho, and have a lot of things I now want to do before TTC, so yup, hangin in there haha
Merry Xmas ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: monkeys
Date Posted: 22 December 2010 at 11:04am
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Hey Rach (waves!) just popping in to say hi and make sure you are doing good which is sounds like you are :-)
Super glad it sounds like a good positive start to 2011 for you! ------------- 3 little Angels July 10, May 11, Apr 13
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Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 23 December 2010 at 6:36pm
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Just want to say, I really sympathise. I got bitten by the ttc bug at a different stage of life from you (when I was 34) but I was consumed by it. When I first brought it up DH was horrified but we set a date of one year which was really hard because I wanted to start straight away. Then ttc took 2 1/2 years and I had four mc. It was a terrible time and I felt so desparate and I couldn't see anything else worthwhile to do with my future other than have children. Although, I'm sure if it hadn't worked out then I would have eventually moved past that. I know my situation is different from yours but just want to say, you are not alone. ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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