How do people perceive you?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Living with Post Natal Depression
Forum Description: Around one in ten NZ mothers will be diagnosed with PND in the first year of their babies life. Find support and encouragement and share ideas for coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=35004
Printed Date: 05 July 2025 at 6:01am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: How do people perceive you?
Posted By: nathansmummy
Subject: How do people perceive you?
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 1:49pm
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I'm just wondering what others' experiences are? I have a few I'll share when I don't have a grizzly baby in my ear!
Do people treat you differently knowing you have PND? Have you experienced prejudice? People who don't know you have PND - how have they interpreted your behaviour or responded to it? Has it put a strain on any of your relationships? |
Replies:
Posted By: Brenna
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 4:40pm
Everyone knows that I've had it/have it and I've only had one person not 'get it' or try and understand it so they can support me. I see this family member all the time and I've never mentioned it again and she's never bothered to ask how I am or how she can help...according to her, I have a "problem" 
At least everyone else is great about it -------------  My beautiful 2 girls...nearly 4 and 13 months
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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 6:46pm
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It definitely put a strain on my relationship with my husband! He bore the brunt of my emotions/anxiety at the start.
In the beginning I didn't want to tell ANYONE as I was embarrassed  So silly!
However the people I did tell where mostly very understanding. My husband and my father didn't think I had that much of a problem and didn't understand why I needed medication. However they soon changed their tune as they saw me improving! |
Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 11:52pm
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It's put a strain on my marriage too... it's hard enough having a wee baby without adding PND to the equation!
My mother doesn't ask about my PND and doesn't say anything when I bring it up. I almost think she thinks I'm making it up. An acquaintance I told I am kind of regretting telling. I may just be reading into it but a few weeks she was saying she wanted a break from her baby so she could go out... and when I offered for us to do baby swapping so we both could get a break - she said she didn't need a break, but would be happy to take my son. Made me feel untrustworthy all of a sudden to mothers for taking care of their kids  I am so good to my son though and such a careful, caring mother - they would have nothing to fear!
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 4:47pm
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sometimes people just want something to moan about and when you offer them a solution to the problem - it stuffs them up a little.
also, PND has been in the nwes a little - wtih that Frence lady killing all her newborns, perhaps your friend is just paranoid....and a little (read: a lot) overprotective. |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 4:51pm
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Acquaintance? How close an acquaintance?
I personally wouldnt feel comfortable leaving my kids with any acquaintances, I wouldnt care if they had pnd or not as from experience I know that pnd has nothing to do with how well you will care for a child. I just personally would only leave my kids with family or close friends. Sounds like she was just being nice offering to give you a break Oh and the only thing I found that pnd took a toll on was my ability to do housework.  My family all knew I had pnd before I did!------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 5:22pm
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I actually think it helps if people know, that way they know why you might be acting out of character.
My MIL didnt tell my BIL and his wife about my antenatal/post natal depression (she tells us EVERYTHING going on in each others lives so assumed she did) and it has affected our relationship. My SIL, whom I thought was a friend, didnt even invite me to her hens night which is something that really upset me! Definately has taken a toll on my relationship with DH too... I wouldnt take it personally, she may have felt a bit guilty complaining to you thinking you must be feeling worse off than she is due to the PND and didnt want to burden you... it was probably more out of care than fear! Perhaps you were just being a bit sensitive... I know I often am  -------------   
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 7:32pm
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Well I have had varying experiences with people and their attitudes. I had one friend tell me to get over myself and someone else told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. My DP does his best to help, but just does not under depression or PND at all. The ladies from PND support group seem to be more involved in their own lives and not much of a support to me. Sometimes my friends try help me out and invite me over to encourage me to get out of the house. As they know too much alone time at home affects my PND big time. My family is pretty good, they usually check in with me and see how I am feeling. I've found a lot of the Mum's at PIN group really supportive. Teachers at older DD's school are quite good. It does affect me and DP's relationship, in that I barely laugh at anything, don't smile much, often don't want sex and want to sleep rather then have sex. So yup, that's my experience. -------------   
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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 10:08pm
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Oh, hugs escadachic!!! It's a tough road, huh? Well, I hope I'm reading into it anyway. Well she's not really an acquaintance - more like a new friend but I see her every week and so we know each other well enough and live around the corner from each other - our babies are the same age.
I have to say I don't like telling people because I'm afraid they will judge me... So far I've just told a couple of girls from coffee group and my mum and DH's family and a couple of close friends. I don't know what possessed me to tell a couple of girls from coffee group - I've felt odd ever since. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 10:50pm
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I think it is really brave of any of you ladies to tell people and also to share stuff on here about it. It is nothing to be ashamed of anymore than it is to be a diabetic or have a heart condition or a bung kidney.
------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 02 August 2010 at 11:02am
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I only tell people that I really trust, admittedly it depends on how down I am, if I am more down i find I need to tell more people to explain why i am not coping.
it is kind of awkward as no one knows what it is like and they are all trying to be sympathetic, but since they dont understand they have no clue what to do to help, so i end up isolated. there have been a couple of people whose thought was just get over it, but i expected it from them and its more that they dont understand than being harsh. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 02 August 2010 at 11:24am
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Yeah it is really hard to be on the outside looking in, because from experience, I know that often all we want to do is fix things for the ones who have depression, which of course we can't do. And it can be frustrating when we can see how to change things but the person suffering just can't get there...which is understandable because EVERYTHING can be too hard. -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 8:49pm
I can't beleive that some of you have been told to "get over it" etc  , I haven't had any bad reactions like that at all.
All my family know, my close friends and a few others, it is not really something I hide but don't advertise it either. It has been hard on my marriage, as others have said my DH bore the brunt of it until I went on meds earlier this year. But he is supportive when he can be. My family have been great. When I was initially diagnosed last year as borderline my parents were so helpful. Dad called in to see me lots, sometimes between jobs to have a cuppa and often to pick Jack up and take him for a few hours which was so lovely. I have been really lucky with great support ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 05 August 2010 at 9:50pm
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I'm just interested to find out in what ways it has affected your marriage (those that have said it has). Sometimes I don't know if our marriage will make it through all the stress and crisis we have had including PND
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Posted By: shadowfeet
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 2:16am
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I have long-standing depression, that reappeared as prenatal depression and now PND. I make a conscious effort not to put anything on my FB page about how I feel, and don't mention it often even to people in my due date thread. Depression affects all of my relationships in some way or another. I find it nearly impossible to return emails or messages, meaning that messages might sit in my inbox for days/ weeks before they get replied to, if at all. Texts are the same. People assume I don't want to be in contact with them so drop out of contact after a while. Housework doesn't get done with any regularity so I feel bad asking others back to our place, and find it so hard to get out of the house so end up in a repeating circle. I don't go to bed at the same time as DH anymore because I don't want my head to unwind so I don't have to think. That definitely puts a strain on our relationship. Also, I don't talk about how I feel anymore with DH so he doesn't know what's going on for me. One thing that's major for me is personal care. I don't take good care of my body and skin. People presume a lot when they meet me, and it's not that hard to understand why. I also have the horrid noticeable slowness. Mentally everything is there, but when people see me they see someone who moves much slower than normal and they can't help but presume. ------------- 
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Posted By: nathansmummy
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 2:09am
| I relate a lot to what you've written Shadowfeet. At least you can be honest with us and hopefully that will be some support to you. |
Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 11:40am
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as do I shadowfeet.
nathansmummy a lot of the time it has left dh feeling useless and like a failure as he cant make it all better. he also ends up tiptoeing round the house just incase he does something wrong that sets me off crying/yelling. it ends up with him being in more of a parental role with him doing pretty much all of the cleaning, cooking etc. Him getting me out of bed in the morning, him getting me off the couch to go to bed etc. right now we have no sex life either. since I have been getting better and our relationship is getting better but he is still doing most of the work around the house. it is really hard to see him upset and hurting because of me, and it makes me more upset and hate myself because of it. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 11 August 2010 at 1:24pm
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Aw Shadowfeet, that makes me sad, you can always talk to us on the due in thread you know.
Re the slowness, that is really interesting coz two of my friends who have depression are slow...they used to drive me nuts coz I didn't realise why they were so slow (thought they were just being dorky)..now I kinda understand tho it still can be frustrating. Re affecting marriage...I have left DH a couple of times coz it got too hard but I think I just needed a break to get my head around his depression...it is really hard to deal with sometimes..now he is much better coz of his meds AND with me knowing more about what is going on. It def affects relationships but hopefully your partners can see the good things about you as well (even if you can't, trust me there are good things about you) and that is how I feel about DH..there are times when he is hard work but then the good times make it worth it. -------------
Oct 11
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