Only children
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34836
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Topic: Only children
Posted By: Joscia
Subject: Only children
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:16pm
How many of you have made the conscious decision to have just one child?
Why did you decide that?
Do you ever regret your decision?
The reason I ask is that, since DS has been born, DH and I have had some serious conversations about whether or not we want to have another child. So far the answer has always been no.
I find it quite surprising, as I’d always imagined we would have 2 kids (though DH had always said 3) maybe 2 or so years apart. But since having DS, neither of us have any desire to do it again.
The idea of being pg again kind of makes my skin crawl (even though the first time was relatively fine) but I went on to have a fairly traumatic 40hr labour + emergency CS.
Part of me feels like we’d be tempting fate by having a #2 – DS is SO awesome – such a cool baby & cruisy kid – that we’d undoubtedly end up with some demon child the second time round – like, how could we possibly be lucky enough to have another minter like DS? (Though I know this thought is unfounded.)
And also, DH works such ludicrously long hours that I’d effectively be raising both kids on my own – which wouldn’t be fun. I can cope with DS, but I don’t like the idea of adding another one to the mix.
At the moment I feel like the ONLY reason that we would consider having a #2 would be so DS wasn’t an only child. But then I think – is that really such a bad thing? There just seems to be a bit of a stigma attached to only children – that they’re somehow weird, or intrinsically spoilt – which, obviously I wouldn’t want DS to be – but is that actually the case in your opinion??
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Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:21pm
Our situation is slightly different but after loosing Jared we were very dead set against going through it again. I hate pregnancy, I really don't enjoy it at all plus the added stress that we would have to face. We didn't wanna go through it again. I was quite happy with just Daniel and I think it made us value him even more. But then I watched him playing with other kids and it wore me down.
I think you have to stick with what works for you and your family. You may or may not change your mind down the track.
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:24pm
kebakat wrote:
I think you have to stick with what works for you and your family. You may or may not change your mind down the track. |
I'm not an only child and neither are my kids.. but I really agree with this comment!
------------- Mr Mellow (16)
Miss Attitude (8)
Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:24pm
In a way Lily will be an only child in the way I was.
DP has said no more for 10 years then we will discuss it. We are 20 so this makes sense.
However My siblings are 37, 35, 31 and 29... We have NOTHING in common but they all have something in common with each other.
If I have another kid I would like it to be before dd is 5. If DP says yes after that then my answer will be no.
I was spoiled because was raised as an only child pretty much. I found it lonely at times although could have friends over whenever and they went home when I got sick of them. Downside was my parents never took me anywhere 'fun' or where I wanted to go. Holidays were boring. As were most outings!
I had a great pregnancy, great birth and have a great baby. I would love to be pregnant again and do it all again, but worry about not giving dd all my attention etc.
------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:41pm
.Mel wrote:
kebakat wrote:
I think you have to stick with what works for you and your family. You may or may not change your mind down the track. |
I'm not an only child and neither are my kids.. but I really agree with this comment! |
Ditto!
I come from a family of 5 children and LOVE it. We are all very close, get along really well and have lots of fun. However, I know many people who are from families with 2+ children who are just not very attached to their siblings and didn't have fun growing up with them..... Stink
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 3:09pm
Delli wrote:
.Mel wrote:
kebakat wrote:
I think you have to stick with what works for you and your family. You may or may not change your mind down the track. |
I'm not an only child and neither are my kids.. but I really agree with this comment! |
Ditto!
I come from a family of 5 children and LOVE it. We are all very close, get along really well and have lots of fun. However, I know many people who are from families with 2+ children who are just not very attached to their siblings and didn't have fun growing up with them..... Stink  |
I would be one of those, me and my brother (2 years younger) would verbally and fist fight all the time and in the end I couldn't wait to move out of home because of him!
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 3:50pm
I'm currently pregnant with #1 and been having similar conversations and ideas.
Dh is an only child and is happy with having just the one.
I'm one of 2 and don't really get on with my brother.
I'm also 37 years old and it took 13 months to conceive this baby.
I'd like to have 2 but don't feel its something I HAVE to do and I'd be happy enough with our family of 3.
The way I've approached it with DH, is I don't want to have any babies after 40 and I want to BF this one, so I've said I won't go back on any contraceptive until then. If we manage to conceive #2 then great, if not then I'm ok with that to.
#2 will be down to fate
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Angel June 2012
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Posted By: Gardengirl
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 4:36pm
I'm in a similar position to caliandjack - I was pregnant with DS at 37. DS is now approaching 11 months, I am still BF (have had 1 AF recently which didn't come to much). I also don't plan to be pregnant at 40 or beyond.
I adored being pregnant, and although my labour could be described by some as traumatic (he got stuck twice and ended up being a ventouse delivery) I'd go through another drug-free labour in a heartbeat. And I don't want to consciously choose not to have any more or consciously choose to have DS be an only child. However, DH(one of 6 kids himself) would be quite happy to not have anymore and I am actually very content with our little family. And, until my parents remarried when I was 10, I was an only child, and I think I turned out OK
So...So, #2 is in the lap of the Gods. We're not trying. We're not preventing.
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 4:54pm
stick with only one.... seriously!
i was having a conversation with a mum of one just the other day. her big worry was that he would be spoilt but as i told her he seems very well balanced. she said it is sometimes hard wondering if he would be better off with a sibling but knowing he is happy and well adjusted helps.
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Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 4:54pm
Joscia - Don't have any answers for you but I am in the same boat but for kind of the opposite reason, C although a relatively good baby was/is a hideous sleeper and I don't cope well with sleep deprivation and I am terrified of having another child the same.
If I remember rightly our birth stories were similar and I'd rather stick pins in my eyeballs than go through that again. People say to me "but you can have an elective" I'm afraid that doesn't convince me as it took me a good 6 weeks to recover from the c-section anyway! and the idea of pregnancy doesn't excite me in the slightest.
I also feel like the only reason to have another child would be to give C a sibling. Bad reason...I dunno...
watch this space....
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Posted By: Rachel1982
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 5:49pm
My husband and I are both only children - for very different reasons.
My family has a genetic disorder which could have potentially been passed on to me and any other siblings I had - so after having me (without the syndrome) mum and dad decided not to take the chance again.
DH's mum ended up with severe PE and nearly died - DH was born 2 months early and it was touch and go as to whether either of them would survive for a while so his parents decided to leave it at one kid.
We are currently pregnant with #1 ourselves and have already been talking about whether we want more than one. Both of us had very happy childhoods and are extremely social people - so we don't feel compelled to have more than one child ourselves 'just because we should'.
We will wait and see what happens - how we cope financially and emotionally with this first baby - before making the decision. At the end of the day it is up to each family what is best for them! Having coped with people being quite negative about only children my whole life I'm probably quite well equipped to deal with the flack if we decided to go down that road ourselves.
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Posted By: monkey33
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 8:45pm
I think if you want just one, there is nothing wrong with that! Yes there are spoiled, weird only children but as others have pointed out, there are big family disagreements within siblings too. Pros & cons to both.
My Dad is an only child - He had a good upbringing with no negative affects of being an only child (he's far from perfect but I don't think that was from being an only child). I do think he gets lonely though as my parents are divorced and he has no other family other than myself & sister.
FIL is an only child and I think a sibling would have been a very good idea in his case. He got spoiled rotten & mollycoddled & it really has affected him in many ways.
We personally are going to try for another one - both DH and I have a sister and I wouldn't trade the fun we had growing up together for anything, or the support we give eachother now.
I know exactly how you feel about #2 not possibly able to be as cruisy as #1 though. I am quite anxious about it for some reason. We get so many comments about how placid and happy go lucky he is. Surely we can't be that lucky 2nd time around!
------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: tropics
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 9:02pm
I am an only child and I had a great childhood and had great opportunities like private schooling and parents paid for me to go to uni that I may not have had if I wasnt an only, i am also extremely close to my parents as sometimes when I was younger ended up hanging out with adults when there were no siblings to hang out with! but in saying that I have couzins and an aunt that are like my siblings and I am extremely close too and I think it would be different if I didnt have them
I have contemplated having another, just because I was an only and enjoyed being an only and was given lots of opportunities that may not have come my way if there was more than me, but I think we will have another (although my last pregnancy is putting me off) but I think its totally an individual decision and whatever is right for your family and your situation,
but just wanted to say that I grew up as an only and I dont have any issues with being one I learned to play by myself or had friends over
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Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 9:12pm
I also had a truamatic first birth, then very unsettled baby, was very stressed and sleep deprived and had pnd and ptsd.
I always wanted 3, and DH wanted 2. Afetr DD, we decided that was it! Everyone said - "wait til shes 3 , you'll change your minds",...we werent so sure!
But I got better, DD started sleeping better and outgrew her medical problems. We were still terrified of how another birth would go, if I would get severe pnd again, and mostly freaked that we would have another terribly hard unsettled baby , but we decided that we defintlay did want another baby.
DS is like his sister is so many ways, but is healthy and so much more laidback! Im still pretty sleep deprived, but am well.
It melts our hearts the way they look at each other, but no doubt it will only be a matter of time before hes moving and grabbing her toys and the fighting starts! We are so glad we had #2 , but then we always wanted more than one. We werent worried about DD being too spoilt by being an only child, but feel like we have given her something special by having DS!
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Posted By: SpecialK
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 10:06am
For me personally, I don't think that wanting you child to have a sibling is a valid reason to have another baby. There are heaps of examples where siblings fight, don't get on, don't ever grow close and that just creates more stress for the whole family.
We chose to have another baby because our family just didn't feel complete or right with just H. Whether or not he might like another sibling just didn't come into it! And the timing just worked out with where we are at and where my career is at. I don't really enjoy pregnancy either but I don't hate it, and while childbirth I found to be a shock to the system, I am putting some strategies in place to make sure I handle it better this time.
You don't really have to make a decision now, do you? You could just leave it for now and then see how you go down the track.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 10:51am
My first child was an only child for 11 years as I broke up with dad. She is an awesome kid, very intelligent, friendly, well adjusted, helpful and loving... I definitely did spoil her as I felt guilty for years about not giving her a sibling - she use to ask for a sister for xmas and she was an only grandchild for years as well so spoilt by them as well ... apart from typical challenging teenage behaviour I don't believe she behaves like a spoilt kid. If anything being my only child for so long benefited her as she got all of my attention and help with schooling and extracurriculum stuff... I spent hours teaching her things like reading before school and all these years later she is still well ahead of her class.... In saying that I still feel a little sad that she will never have a sibling relationship like I have with my sister as she is truly my BF, but like others say it doesn't always work out that way with siblings and it's probably not a good enough reason to have another baby if it's not right for you guys.... I also feel DD has a closer relationship with me from being an only child and she talks to me about things I would have never dreamt of discussing with my mum...not that parents can't have that closeness with more kids, but it was just her and me for sooo long IYGWIM....
------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D
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Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 11:03am
Thanks for your feedback everyone.
DS is a cruisy, independent kind of child, and regardless of whether or not we end up having a #2, DH and I are adamant that he will not be spoilt or mollycoddled. It’s totally against our parenting styles. He’s already a generous kid – good at sharing and doesn’t cry or whinge about things if he doesn’t get his way.
We spend a lot of time with friends and family and their kids – so he gets interaction with other children there.
SpecialK - I totally agree with you that giving DS a sibling is not a good enough reason to have another child.
And I am open to the idea of changing my mind – in fact, I’m expecting to change my mind – it has just surprised me that I haven’t had ANY inclination yet, which is beginning to make me wonder if I ever will...
I know we don’t have to decide in any hurry – that it’s one of those things that will happen if/when we feel right about it – but I guess I’m just musing over possibilities...
I’m also finding it quite interesting that no-one has replied who has consciously decided to have just one child themselves. I wonder if there are many people who have?
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 11:29am
Freckle I used to ask for siblings too! (I didn't find out about my half siblings until I was 15 and saw my dad again).
Kye, I got awesome opportunities like that too, my grandparents actually started a bank account when they found out my mum was UTD, was meant to be for uni, house deposit, etc. But have used some of it on DD instead...
My granddads parents consciously decided to have one child, they were married in their early 20s but didn't conceive my gdad until they were 35 so decided not to have any more.
My grandparents wanted more than 1 too but they helped family out and worked hard for their careers so in the end felt one was best.
My mum never found mr right after me, she had me at 31 as well. Also she hadn't actually wanted children at all either.
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Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 11:51am
Whatever you decide, do remember that only children don't end up lonely or with bad communication skills because they never had brothers or sisters. They end up that way because that's how they were raised, combined with their personalities.
If your son is happy and well able to play with other kids, I'd say you have nothing to worry about as far as he's concerned.
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 12:04pm
We decided to not have any children! I don't know if that was going to be a long term thing & always be childless cause we had an "accident" and got pregnant.
We certainly knew that we couldn't afford two & quite frankly didn't want to go through it all again, but yet here we are with 2 & #2 was planned
If you decide to stick with your one, yes they will be a little more spoilt than a child with siblings, it just happens that way, but spoiling is not necessarily a bad thing as long as your child is brought up to be a good all round person.
------------- Kel
http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 12:09pm
My Dh is an only child, and the only negative personality trait he has is lack of patience he doesn't like waiting. Its not cause he was spoilt as such, simply that his mum only had him to pay attention too as there wasn't anyone else. As a second child with a bigger older brother, I find it amusing as I'm used to having to wait for my turn, otherwise I got picked on or hassled.
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Angel June 2012
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 12:27pm
LOL C&J - I'm damn impatient too and I have a sibling... and my dd1 is very patient and she got all my attention until she was 11...
I meant to say in my earlier post when DD was young it was much easier for me only having one, but as she got older it was when I started to really regret her not having a sibling and esp as a teenager I just think it would have been nice for her to have someone to play with, fight with and moan about her mum too but I guess that's what her friends are for... we have so often taken friends away on holiday and have kids to stay all the time which I don't think would have happened as much if I'd had another baby back then.... but as I said earlier IMO there are lots of benefits for only children too...
------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D
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Posted By: Gardengirl
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 7:52pm
I think the thing with consciously choosing to have an only child is possibly contending with the pressure from others. We are definitely under some pressure to have a second (this pressure gets directed at DH it seems). And we have a family member who insists point blank that she "doesn't know any only children who aren't spoilt brats and we HAVE to have another". Some people have very negative opinions of only children, founded on very little, and if we end up having only one that attitude does concern me.
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Posted By: yermasyada
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 8:44am
We've decided to just have the one
I had a mostly good pregnancy, and a fantastic birth, but I can't imagine being pregnant again and having an equally cruisey baby.
There's also the cost to consider. I like the thought of being able to afford to send my boy on school trips and have music lessons etc if he'd like.
We feel like a proper little family now and we're soooo happy
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Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 10:28am
I think there is a general, societal assumption that parents will have more than one child. Even I assume that of other people. It almost makes me feel a bit uncomfortable to acknowledge that we only want one kid – like I’m a bit weird.
People automatically jump to the conclusion that if you choose to have an only child you are somehow a bit of a control freak /perfectionist / helicopter parent, and are depriving a child of a basic ‘right’ to have a sibling – so are therefore a bit selfish to boot.
But for us, (like you Milliemoo), so far I our little family of 3. It feels comfortable, manageable and I feel quite content.
I don’t want to have another child because it’s ‘what you are supposed to do’, or what everyone expects you to do...
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Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 11:50am
I know some great only children and they seem to have quite special relationship with their Mum's too. I think you have to want to have another child for its own sake, and totally agree that having a second to give someone a brother or sister is not good enough reason.
Personally, I'd like another one, but that's all. I'm fine with pg and had an easy birth, but I didn't enjoy the first 9 months with a small baby. Am hopeless without sleep. I love my nearly toddler though. However, I'm 37 and it might not be so easy that second time around, so if it dosen't happen I'm OK with that too.
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Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 2:02pm
We have twins so there was no choice lol. I also had a shocking pregnancy. I hated every minute and am not looking forward to doing it again but DH and I both know that we aren't complete yet and that we have a deep desire to have a third child. I think if your happy with one than theres nothing wrong with that. I think it's more wrong to have a child just to give your first a sibling. So many people have children for the wrong reasons. I think you are being very sensible and level headed. I think you just know in your gut when to stop if your not really fussed on another then you know the answer. If we weren't totally in love with the idea of a big family theres no way we would do it. I hated pregnancy and I'm scared that after the next baby we will be outnumbered lol but we know we desperatly want another so we are willing to push through all the scary parts
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Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 3:24pm
I don't have that incomplete feeling so we very well may only have one child. My DS is also a very cruisy baby but I still find motherhood very challenging so I don't think I can risk getting a difficult child second time around.
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Posted By: Angs1982
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 8:32pm
We have definately decided only to have one child!
I'm not sure how or why we came to that decision but we did.
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Posted By: Angs1982
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 8:35pm
I don’t want to have another child because it’s ‘what you are supposed to do’, or what everyone expects you to do...
I totally agree with that!
When I tell people they are like "oh thats ok" like they think they need to give approval.
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 11:44pm
I am from a family of 5 children all close in age, 28, 26 (me), 25, 22 (twins). Despite the close age I dont have anything at all in common with my sister (eldest), in fact we couldnt be any more different. I dont really have anything in common with my younger brothers but all 3 of them have similar interests with each other. However, we are a very close family despite our sibling rivalry which still goes on.
I dont plan on having a big family like my parents, and I originally wanted 3 children but DH only wants 2. And as time goes on I am coming to terms to that idea mainly for financial reasons. I dont want to be struggling financially like my parents did when I was growing up. Not that that has hindered any of us in any way now.
At the moment I dont feel complete nor incomplete. I guess its because I am enjoying Jackson at the moment, but I do know that I definitely want a 2nd child eventually.
I say do what is best for you and forget what everyone else wants or says
------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived
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Posted By: RedHeadDuck
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 2:30pm
We are having 2, but are open to the idea of a 3rd after that, but will definately be stopping at 3.
#2 won't be coming along for a wee while (if we can help it!!!!) due to financial reasons, and we want a good couple of years between them.
DH will probably be 30 by the time #2 comes along (so I'll be.. 23?ish) and he doesn't wanna be having kids much after 30.
Also, my granny has a saying, if a kid isn't spoilt, it must be neglected. And what are kids for, if we're not allowed to spoil them?
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Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 5:09pm
I'm one of 7 and am close to none. In fact, haven't spoken to 3 of them in about 12 years and another in about 4 years.
Having DD was a biological urge for me, intellectually I didn't want any children at all but there came a point where my biological clock started to tick too loudly for me to ignore. Once we had her we decided (for some unknown reason) that we want her to have a sibling.
So, sibling is on the way and then we are done. If we were to do it all over again I don't know if we'd have any children at all... but DD is the centre of our world and we cant imagine life without her now that she's here.
I think wait and see? If you change your mind then great, if you don't that's good too
------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com
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Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 6:30pm
DD wanted DS to be taken to an orphanage for the first 5 years. She wanted a sibling so bad and when he got here that was over. They get along and tolerate each other but I don't think it will be a close bonding relationship when they move onto adulthood. Did we stop there no we added another DD who beleives her siblings are soley put on this earth to serve her however I can see 1st DD (who is 9 years older) and youngest DD having a good relationship later on in life. Poor DS who is in the middle is like a third wheel.
So don't do it for your existing child to have a sibling. They may or may not thank you for it.
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