Do *you* lie about Motherhood...
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Topic: Do *you* lie about Motherhood...
Posted By: Emmecat
Subject: Do *you* lie about Motherhood...
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 8:24pm
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...and any or all things pertaining to it, i.e TTC, pregnancy, birth, BF, raising the child? And who do you lie to? Family? Friends? Yourself?! I'm reading an old but interesting book about (mainly stay-at-home) mothers in NZ and the (apparently) true state of their mind...not all that great. I can own up to the following (and it's by no means an exhaustive list!):
Gulp. That's my experience in a nutshell. You? -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 8:47pm
I totally agree, although I tend not to lie about it, and just admit it LOL
Oh, and being a SAHM is very hard. I don't particularly enjoy it, but I love spending time with my girls. I just need adult conversation and stimulation. |
Posted By: linda
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 8:48pm
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Don't really see the point in saying anything other than how it was. I might be selective as to who I talk to about what but thats about it ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Alex 6 and Harry 8 |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 8:49pm
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yep me too...but in a way isn't that lying by omission? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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linda wrote:Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 8:51pm
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Totally!
My sister asked me what labour was like straight after I had Jude - she was due a month after me (but ended up having her baby only two weeks later). I definitely skirted around the truth and only told her what it really was like after she had her own..... I didn't really enjoy pregnancy and don't love breastfeeding even though I'm still doing it - Most of the time I don't mind it but I definitely don't love it like some people do and can't wait for Jude to wean himself. I sometimes say I never had any troubles during pregnancy because I want it to seem like I breeze though stuff but I conveniently forget that I spent a week in hospital after having a bleed. I miss my old job and find being a SAHM boring quite a bit. Up until recently when people asked me how Jude sleeps I usually said that he is a pretty good sleeper - and he is! But that doesn't mean he slept through the night (although he does now)..... So I skirt the truth there a bit. If they ask me directly if he sleeps through - I tell them the truth though. My mother told me that labour didn't hurt at all for her 5 babies. I think she lies and has forgotten  Although I can't truly know....------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: monkey33
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:05pm
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I don't lie, but I do find myself omitting details sometimes too.
TTC - I found it exciting, nerveracking and the best feeling I had ever in my life experienced at the time, was finding out I was UTD. Pregnancy - I honestly loved it most of the time. I did however have a very easy time. I'm sure it won't be so text book next time - surely I can't be that lucky! Birth - I had a fantastic birth experience. DS arrived via c-section as he was breech, after being in labour for about 2 hours. I don't feel ripped off for having a c-section and the recovery was tough, but I don't think I could have asked for a better birth experience overall. BF - we FF DS from 10 days and I still feel guilty. Not because of what anyone says but just how I feel. Motherhood - I love DS to absolute bits and still spend so much time just staring at him but I am looking forward to doing some part time work later in the year. I find staying at home gets tedious at times and am really craving some different stimulation. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:06pm
I used to lie by omission but then I think that in part that led to my PND, I didn't have a 'text book' baby but by what other Mum's said (possibly lied about) I thought I was the only one that didn't. My family and friends know I have PND, that my boys don't sleep, that they often end up in our bed, that DH has resorted to sleeping in one of the boys rooms when tey end up in our bed  etc. I don't 'advertise ' it but I do tell the truth when asked------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:07pm
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TBH, I'm fairly honest about how I feel about the whole thing. I don't think you do anyone any favours by misleading them. When I teach BF, I always tell them its a bit of a shock to discover after the pain of birth that something so seemingly natural could hurt soo much! But to be honest, teaching at ante natal level about breastfeeding is bloody hard cos all they are focused on is getting baby out and birth plans. I wish more mums would have a feeding plan, too!! I think it would help the transition to FF be alot easier if ther ewas already a planin place for just in case.
So, Ill have a go anyway. TTC -#1 was a shock and with #2 I had to be bribed to get pregnant again, and it only took one cycle. Pregnancy - well with #1 it was a complete and utter surprise and I was in shock for the entire trip. and I HATED it. Morning sickness, pre eclampsia, BFF had a stillborn, so hyper hyper aware of what can go wrong. Unpleasnt experience.With the next pregnancy I was sick for the entire 42 weeks. Well, I was sick for 39, I found out I was PG at about 3 weeks when the sickness started. Revolting and the reason why there will be no more. I was very very open about how much I hated it. Birth - #1 was awful, painful and a complete shock to the system. Bad grazing and stiches. I was so traumatised by it all I ahd to tell anyone who even looked at me about it. Yep, i was THAT woman. *cringe* #2 was easy peasy. Painful but no where near as bad or as long. I actually liked it. And tell everyone that too! Breastfeeding - hard, painful and emotional. Well its a no brainer cos its my job, so yep am always honest about this. TBH I feed as long as I did with #2 becasue I was too lazy to wean, but really enjoyed the freedom I had when I weaned her. SAHM. Well I think if you don't know my views on how I find this by now, you have been living under a rock!!! And yes, I am honest about that too. However I do understand and appreciate that others feel differently and I will always aknowledge this . I do lie about how bloody bored I feel though because that makes me feel like a bad mommy when I admit how bloody boring and repetitve and mind numbing it can be., and others are VERY quick to judge. I also always lie when others say Oh but you wouldn't be without them now, though would you? (as I never planned on having kids and seriously considered not going through with the first pregnancy) because often, I think, if i had my time again, I would still choose to be childless. That said, I love my elves more than I ever expected to and can't believe how much they have enriched my life and being and would kill for them. I lie about the sleep thing because others seem to judge you if your baby isn't sleeping through at 3 months. My eldest didn't sleep through til he was almost 4 and often still dosen't. I lie about not being tired because I am always tired but it seems rude to be tired when I don't have a new born. I think that about covers it. I have to say, I think people lie about their experiences because there is so much "societal" pressure, and to feel differently about soemthing automatically seems to mean you are a bad parent. I seem to recall my integrity as a person being called into question a few weeks back for my strong feelings and that hurt alot, it was as if somehow, that because I didn't think that for me being a SAHM is that hard, that I was somehow an awful person and probably a bad mother too. Thats the reason why Mums lie! Oh and I think that having also helped to bring up a teenager is the reason why I probably think its not so hard with small one,s cos beleive you me, if you think littlies are hard, best get your big girl pants on for teenagers!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:08pm
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[QUOTE=linda] Don't really see the point in saying anything other than how it was. /QUOTE]
That's me too. I don't go out of my way to terrify expectant parents but if they ask I'm honest. Mostly because I hate that people don't talk about how you will be pushed beyond all your limits and will quite possibly want to throw your child out the window. I really feel that if people were more honest about it and new parents knew that it was within the realms of normal to have these awful thoughts on occasion (knowing that you would never act upon them of course), rather than feeling like everyone else in the world sailed through on this blissful rainbow of love and glowing earth-mamaness while you were the only one struggling through and not loving it all the time, that perhaps there might not be so many cases of PND and possibly less child abuse too. Maybe that's just me being a bit overly idealistic but whether or not I'm right, I still feel it is important to be honest about it in the hope that it will make it a little bit easier for another new mama and not worry if I earn horrified disapproval from the ones lucky enough not to ever feel like that. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:33pm
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I hated pregnancy and feel really bad about that because I ttc for four years before getting pregnant. I had so much pressure to enjoy it after what I went through, but it was horrible. I had hyperemesis the entire pregnancy. In and out of hospital on drips and lost a lot of weight because everything - and I mean everything - disagreed with me.
I hate when people ask if I have a good baby! How can a baby be bad. They are all just different. I always answer yes, no matter how crap our day may have been. I also have felt that I needed to say my baby slept through when I was asked back when she wasn't. On the odd occasion I said no she doesn't, I would get comments from other mother's like oh well mine does and that their baby is a good baby - WTF! What is that meant to mean I have a bad baby!!! ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: melopop
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:48pm
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Kazper I SO agree! I just don't understand when people ask me if my baby is 'a good baby' it really pisses me off and, like you, I always answer yes - I mean he's a BABY he doesn't TRY to be bad! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 9:53pm
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I generally tell it like it is - I've been quite open about not being cut out to be a fulltime SAHM - I really did find it tedious and boring and not much fun and we've all been much happier this year with me studying and Nat being in care fulltime (even though I do still feel the guilts!)
The one thing I did lie about, mainly by omission was during our hideous patch from 5 months to 8/9 months when Nat had undiagnosed food allergies and even the doctors didn't believe me  Nat would sleep for maybe 2 hours in her bed, and then would spend the entire rest of the night sleeping on one of us on the couch (as otherwise she would wake every 20mins or so and need resettling) - every night for months And although I did let people know she wasn't sleeping great, I felt I had to cover up just how bad it was because I thought everyone would judge me for being a bad Mummy and 'enabling' her in those bad sleeping habits (as the doctors suggested to me ).
Amazing that we almost all experience things with our children that don't fit into societal 'norms', and yet there is still this (possibly imaginary) pressure to be doing everything the 'right' way!  -------------  
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Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 10:39pm
| Guilty as charged. Everyone would ask how things were going with my 3rd child. I would say fine as lets be honest, having two children already means I should have childrearing sorted. Finally a friend came up to me and really asked. I just broke down and started sobbing whilst still saying it was all good. I don't normally ask for help so I had everyone fooled for the first 3 months. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 10:56pm
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I don't tend to lie about it too much, other than when I was pg with #2 I didn't let on to DH about anything as he wasn't in a mind-space to listen to it. That sucked.
I hated trying to get pg because it was useless most of the time until we got the drugs and feeling like a failure each cycle, I hated being pg and people treating you like you're just an incubator and saying everything you're going through is simply because of hormones, my first birth was dealt with badly by the 'professionals' so I hated that, loved my 2nd birth, other than it being incredibly long. It hurt like a mofo but it was good pain. I don't enjoy being a SAHM so have always worked part time (and to bring in money to survive also), and then went back full time when #2 was 5 months. Like Annie I find it mind-numbing and tedious. I thought for a while I should lie and say how I missed my kids so much but TBH unless they are having a bad trot, I don't think about them til I pick them up. That doesn't make me a bad parent, that makes me a balanced adult. |
Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 16 July 2010 at 10:59pm
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I think it depends on how I am feeling at the time and who it is Im talking to. There are people that wouldnt care about all the glory details and then there are others that Im quite happy to disclose all info to.
TTC - Was hard, heartbreaking, long, tedious at times, scary, scheduled and stressful. Only very close friends knew we were trying and the info they knew was limited. Pregnancy - I loved pregnancy! Albeit, I didnt enjoy MS, reflux, fluid retention and the constant pain in my ribs but I loved the fact I was growing a little human, the growing bump and I loved the movement and kicking etc. It was an amazing time in my life. Labour and Birth - Well, for the most part, enjoyable (weird much!!)... I just embraced it and let my body do what it was designed to do. I love telling people about my labour and birth and definitely dont lie about this cos I like people to know there are good birth stories out there 
Breastfeeding - What more can I say, it hurts! And having mastitis, I reckon, is worse than labour cos it goes on for what seemed like forever!! But I didnt ever think I couldnt not do it. The thought of feeding my baby any other way never crossed my mind. Looking back now, I can totally see why so many mothers give it up though. But 11 months later were still going strong. Raising a human - Well its tough and it has its moments but its also amazingly rewarding at the same time. I love being a mum and I love being a working mum. There were parts of the newborn stage where it was extremely testing and doing it without family around and in another country made it sometimes a struggle, but we survived and made it through. Having an amazing husband that is really supportive and involved helps a lot. However, at times being a SAHM was getting a bit tedious and routined. Whilst I loved being at home every day I also needed adult stimulation. I was petrified about leaving Jackson in someone elses care and returning to work, I had the hell guilts going on. But 6 weeks on, everything is great, Jackson loves his carer, he settled into care so well and Im enjoying being back at work. I also appreciate the time I now have with Jackson a lot more. I do get really annoyed with 'society' in regards to things like people asking if we had started solids even before Jackson was 6 months old, why we havent forward faced him at 6 months, sleeping through the night, why were still swaddling etc etc. Now, Im much more comfortable saying no were happy to wait etc. Oops sorry for the long post. ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 6:03am
I'm only part of the way through, but the only real lying I have done is about TTC, mostly because I didn't want people to know we were trying. Especially not after it took a lot longer than we wanted it to, I can't stand being pitied. But should anyone ask now, I'd happily tell them it was gut-wrenching and painful and I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone (except those people who abuse their babies  ). I remember back to how much it hurt and feel so, so glad we conceived our wee boy.
I'm honestly having a ball being pregnant. I mean, I wouldn't want to be pregnant forever - the fun is in the fact that it's a new experience with a great end result. I get a bit frustrated when people assume that because I'm enjoying it I haven't had MS / get good nights sleep, etc. Those bits are no fun at all - but walking down the street seeing this pregnant lady's reflection in the window and realising it's me is! In saying that, whenever I'm asked how I'm doing, I do say great, and don't mention the fact my hips hurt and my back's killing me (unless it's a good friend that asks). That's not really because I want to give people the wrong impression of pregnancy, but mostly because I figure they're only asking as a social nicety and I don't want to whinge. And also overall things ARE great. But I guess it could give that impression... I do suspect I'll feel a bit more of a need to 'fit in' once Bubs is born... I hate the thought of feeling like you have to explain every decision you make to every random that asks. I can really imagine just leaving out the bits you don't feel like making a fuss over. -------------   
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Posted By: Chops1975
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:34am
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it's funny...was talking to my husband about this last week...maybe more in a general sense but we both have noticed there's a huge difference between where I grew up and New Zealand.
Over there it is pretty normal to 'complain'... not saying that you are at all, don't get me wrong. ...I do think however that people in NZ in general, FEEL like they are complaining pretty quick...feel like they're being too difficult very quickly, compared to what I'm used to. Where, I just think we all feel those things once in a while (or even longterm) and I do not have issues with talking about them at all...I'm used to people talking about their lives all the time. I actually find it really hard to get to know people here (NZ) as they don't open up as much and I'm still getting used to that. On top of that I am not worried about what judgment others might have about my parenting...but that's maybe more my personality..I don't know I might give less details to someone I don't know really well but that's about it... ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:39am
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Wow! You guys are amazing and it's so interesting reading your thoughts. Anyway, the topic is fascinating and it's awesome to see how many of you Mums can be so honest ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:04am
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no lies here - i tell everyone who asks not to have more kids cause its hard! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:12am
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I don't lie about things, I tell it like it is exactly, but I let others know it isn't always like that for everyone.
I guess sometimes I do leave some details out, generally motherhood is everything I thought it would be, BUT the last couple of months I have felt 'off' so I have lied about that and tried to cover it up, some days are better than others, lets leave it at that! You mentioned above about how society portrays motherhood, I knew that's what they wanted you to believe but I knew it wasn't going to be like that, so never got disappointed. Pregnancy I saw mothers wishing their baby out, I thought what if I never get another chance at this, so loved my pregnancy, told all my friends my due date was 42 weeks rather than 40 weeks and even made myself believe it so I wouldn't be annoyed going over due - never pictured her coming early though! I lied through my pregnancy though, there were times when it hurt and I learned from very on to keep it to myself as you can get all sorts of comments like 'it's meant to', 'it won't last forever' and 'so you aren't enjoying it?' etc. My birth was fantastic, as was breast feeding, couldn't have asked for it to be any better! TTC, we weren't actively trying to conceive, being 18 when it happened, we had already been together 2.5 years and knew one day it might happen, just happened a lot sooner than planned, though that said it still took about a year. I guess I thought about it, but never really did iygwim. Raising Lily, I tell people it's great, fun, coolest thing ever and 99% of the time it is! But there are times when there is something wrong and I don't know what it is or how to fix it and no one else does either. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:16am
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No lies here either, and I've got very honest friends who have pretty much told me how it is as well.
I had one friend telling me she'd have #2 after she'd forgotten how it felt delivering #1 and #1 was 2 at the time. In hindsight TTC wasn't that big a deal for me, sure it took 13 months from coming off BCP, but at 35-36 that's perfectly normal. So far my pregnancy has been text book, I've had no MS, don't know about the glowing thing finding it pretty straight forward. I don't love being pregnant it feels very much like a means to an end. I'm also finding 2nd trimester slow time, as after 20 weeks scan nothing much has happened. I find it is pressure and expectations from others that's caused the most problem. During TTC we kept getting asked when we were having kids, and not to leave it too late. Even with pregnancy I'm being told about my step-sister and her home birth, and not finding out the gender. We couldn't be more different, from each other so being compared to someone I'd never want to be like, pissed me off. Maybe I'm fortunate that I've also been an OB member for a while and everyone is pretty honest on here, meaning I've no illusions about what giving birth and having a young baby is going to be like. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:21am
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The only part I think I have lied about is the TTC... and like hopes said I hate people pitying me hence why I pretended it was all okay... My first was a whoopsie, 2nd we planned and happened first go, 3rd took 18 months and it sucked! I became an obsessive TTC monster but most people would have had no idea how I was feeling...
Pregnancy - I don't mind once past the MS... although my 2nd pregnancy was pretty sickly... but feeling baby moving makes up for all the aches and pains and sickness.... Labour - I am honest about - they were very long and painful... not fun at all... but you forget the pain quickly and only remember it when you get pregnant again and know you have to go through that agony again
Being a SAHM is IMO the bestest. I love being at home so don't lie about it... I haven't found being a mum a huge challenge - I had tired times and occasional frustrations but on a whole I do find it a breeze compared to when I was a solo mum with my oldest, working full-time or studying fulltime... I have very easy going kids though so I guess that helps - although my 2.6 year still doesn't sleep through LOL, she hops into bed with us most nights... so I am telling the truth when I say I enjoy being at home and find motherhood a breeze... but ironically I feel like I should find it harder because I constantly hear how it's suppose to be the hardest job etc... so I feel maybe I'm missing something which makes me feel guilty.... ETA - I guess though if one of my friends was having a hard time with aspects of motherhood, I would lie by omission as I would try to sympathise with them IYGWIM.... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:47am
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It's funny, I think I omit to tell people how hard it is, cos I don't want to put them off having babies, cos I feel having a baby/babies is a part of life and more than likely most people will go on to have kids.
I have four kids, and if we'd stopped at 2 life would be ever so much simpler now, however I don't think I would feel complete. I do find it extremely tiring having 4 young children, and the fact that I wake to the SAME thing everyday (get up change baby's nappy, feed kids breakfast, feed myself, then do the same housework i did just the day before) completely numbingly boring, and I find myself getting way to annoyed when the kids make a mess, knowing they won't clean it up properly and I"ll end up having to do it on top of everything else I clean as well. I wish I didn't feel this way as I feel they are only children and live in this house too!
I too get asked if Ava is a good baby. And she is. And I understand that even though there is no such thing as a 'bad' baby, there are difficult babies. My sister had 2 of them, colicly, light sleeper etc.
Yes I sometimes feel like I could give my children away... before I realise there is noone else out there that would love them the way I do, and anything less than the love I give them is not good enough! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 9:50am
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I'm planning on lying (except here) when we start TTC as I hated everyone knowing and asking and giving advice last time.
Sometimes I downplay how rubbish Cooper's sleep is to certain people who I reckon would think it was my parenting style that is the problem. Partly it because it probably is... ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
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Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 10:50am
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I don't intentionally lie about it but I guess I probably omit details to those that don't already have kids so as not to freak them out.
Pregnancy - I loved it and can't wait to do it again, I have never said anything otherwise. I had an easy pregnancy though (after the initial 12 weeks as I mc'd and got pregnant a week later) My labour was fine to start but after a crash c-section with DS ending up in SCBU for 5 days - it was awful, I hated it and it was terrifying but when people ask how labour was I usually just say 'it didn't go as expected but it was fine in the end' which is true but I don't go into detail. I hate the question - 'does your baby sleep through' and 'is he a good baby' that so many ask - people have very high expectations of babies!! 
As for being a SAHM, I do love it, I still can't believe I am doing it as I never thought it would happen but I love being with DS more than anything. There are times when I feel like I would love to go back to work, I love working.. but I know I could never actually being myself to do it and I don't lie about that. I think sometimes with all these questions, depending on who's asking it's just easier to omit details, like when you're having the worst day and the guy at the petrol station asks 'how's your day' and you say 'fine' even though it's not.. but it's just easier and less complicated! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Anonymous55
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 11:49am
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I'm sort of lying about BF and FF.
I keep telling people (IL, friends etc) that I'm fine with FF Nina now and feel good/better about it now...........but ACTUALLY I just want to BF and still secretly cry in the shower now that I'm fully dried off. I just can't get over it but don't want people to think I'm a whinger... 
Edited du to poo spelling! |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 12:32pm
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I don't lie about any of it but I don't spout stuff to everyone that will listen. If people ask I answerly honestly.
Although in saying that I lie the MIL only becuase she annoys the sh*t out of me and would offer to help and be at my house 24/7 which would make anything 20 times worse! -------------  
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Posted By: tictacjunkie
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 1:24pm
| I never told anyone we were ttc any of our babies. Didn't tell anyone (except DH) about our first 4 mc (5th was at 13wks so I had told people I was utd). I think I had pnd after ds but didn't tell a soul because I was terrified "they" would take him away from me. When people ask how this pg is going I say "well, thanks", because I don't like to complain. I lie to DH sometimes about how tired I am while he's away so he doesn't worry. I am honest with myself though, that's important. |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 1:38pm
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Arghh, I just typed a big post, but lost it.
Anyway, the basic jist was that yes I do tend to lie. I gloss over things. However, if I was asked a direct question I would answer it honestly. I am honest with my family as I don't feel they judge me and I feel comfortable with them. Like Peanut, I definately lie to the IL's, its just much easier.
Funny you say about dulling down your birth story at antenatel class Emmecat, I went back to tell my story too and I was told to leave all the "bad" parts out and. But, strangely enough, when I was pregnant I wanted to hear all the gory details, I preferred listening to the traumatic birth stories, gave me a chance to prepare myself I suppose. -------------  
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 2:43pm
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Hmm, I think I tell the truth. I have had the is he a good baby and of course he is hahahahaha, but I would probably look at it more in the way of easy/laidback or difficult/colicky/bad sleeper and people should probably ask that.
TTC, lots of people knew because by the end of it, I found it too hard to not share and it was easier having the support of people who cared. During pregnancy, I was mostly tired and hot! So I did say when I felt like that coz what was the point of lying (and it was usually pretty obvious when I was). I hated that aspect of it as well as the going to the toilet ten million times but the other parts I loved and I miss my big huge belly....I loved feeling like I had a secret (tho everyone could see it!!!). Birth? Umm, I remember contractions hurting but now I can't remember how much. And I remember being in shocK I guess when I had to have the c sect but I have honestly forgotten so much of that experience that I can't really explain what it felt like. If anyone asked me, I would tell them the truth from what I remember. Being a mum...well I would be honest about any aspect of it if someone asked unless I thought that the person was going to be smug about their perfect baby then I might lie hahahahaha! But I feel like there are some tough aspects of being a mum ie breastfeeding, that people seem to think comes soooooo naturally and it doesn't ya know?? So I reckon if I am honest with mums to be about stuff then hopefully they might be more prepared for the tricky bits. ------------- 
Oct 11
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Posted By: Kelz
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 3:09pm
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You guys must have read our minds! Or read our new issue - The first story is called "Motherhood: the secret society"....."Did anyone tell you what being a mum was really going to be like?"
It's an interesting read - check it out ------------- |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 4:18pm
Wow Tara that's shocking that you were told to leave the bad parts out!! 
I wanted to know everything too so I could be prepared, I didn't want to go in and then be completely shocked by it all! Or not get what I hoped for if that makes sense! I've read the article in the new issue. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 4:26pm
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interesting topic.
i agree with some of the posters that i wish at times other mums told how hard it was as then you wouldn't feel like such a failure for struggling. ttc - found it bloody boring tbh, bit of a chore. but am totally honest about that! preg - quite enjoyed it despite aches and pains and ms. birth - quite enjoyed that too - hard work but so worth it and great natural labours both times - just how i envisioned. bf - necessary really, don't love it but like it more than the smell of formula which makes me gag. I'm not going to feed my baby something that makes me gag unless i absolutely have to. babies - blimming hard work. mummihood - best job in the world despite wanting to slap them sometimes. I'm honest about it usually, except with strangers who i don't think are really interested and are just being polite. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 5:18pm
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I know!!!! It's interesting what most of you are saying about being a SAHM...that you love it even though it's hard work. I totally agreed up until about 2 weeks ago then I've just started feeling a little bit 'rut-like' IYKWIM? I feel guilty for that but think it's a phase like so many other parts of Mummyhood that'll pass. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 7:00pm
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I've lied to everyone - bar DH and my best friend - about our 2 year long ttc journey.
When I m/ced in January, we had been ttc for 18 months and no one knew, except DH and my bestie. People now know I'm trying, and most have assumed that I accidentally fell pregnant, miscarried, and that made us realise we want kids. -------------  Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 7:28pm
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I'm usually pretty honest. Perhaps too honest sometimes, because most of my friends don't have kids yet, and they often seem to have expressions like "" when I tell them how much sleep I had last night and then I think, "darn it, I want my friends to have babies, why do I keep telling them how tough it is?" So I often find myself reassuring them that my baby is one of those *difficult* ones and that even still I'm over-the-moon happy and would have another one in a heartbeat.
When colleagues etc ask if she's sleeping through or something along those lines, I usually laugh and tell them thats a funny joke in a tone that they then know that she's not, but also that I don't really expect her to just yet. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:25pm
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I haven't got to the motherhood part yet so I can't comment on that but as far as TTC was concerned I definitely didn't tell the whole truth to anyone except one close friend who was TTC at the same time.
I was 23 when we started TTC and assumed it would be quick and easy after all you spend your whole life trying not to get pregnant you assume it will be easy when you want to! At first I found the whole TTC procress romantic and exciting and couldn't wait to find out if I was pregnant each month. But as the months wore on it became an absolute chore, it took a huge toll on our sex life as it became routine and stressful trying to do it on demand, and I lost interest altogether. It became a job to serve a purpose, and as it failed me I hated it more. I have never cried so much as after a negative pregnancy test nor wondered why life was so unfair so much. I became obsessed with TTC, thought of little else, talked of little else but when I would be a Mum. I searched endlessly on the internet for pregnancy symptoms, rememdies to help get a better cycle, etc and made it my quest to get pregnant no matter what. When it finally happened 9 months later I had actually given up. But whenever anyone asked us when we were going to have children, I would just casually say that I was waiting to finish my study first, or we were waiting till we had enough money, or that we would just see what happened, when inside I was dying over it. My current employers think this baby was a surprise and not planned, because I got pregnant 2 months into starting the new job and I didn't want to openly admit I had been trying the whole time. If I had been honest, they would have been annoyed at me for taking the job- but I couldn't put my life on hold any longer for TTC. And now when people hear Im pregnant they probably think we just decided to have a baby and it just happened, because thats how it seemed to be for my parents, in laws, many family members and friends. If I did explain the heartache they would probably never understand. I think very few people are totally honest about TTC and how it really was for them. If only people were, we wouldn't feel so alone sometimes. As far as pregnancy is concerned, when people ask me about how I feel about it I always say I love it and am so happy to be pregnant and having a baby, and I do. Im also lucky to have the 'glow' and didn't really suffer much in the way of sickness or bad side effects. But at times I have found pregnancy terribly emotional, stressful, worrying, thought consuming, boring (in the waiting) and downright terrifying. But I would never say that to anyone who asked. Interesting topic Emmecat, it's amazing what we all can hide on the inside ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:35pm
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Nah , I don't really lie much , sometimes if its with people that I know aren't really that interested i'll just say "oh yeah its fine "
but generally im pretty vocal .... TTC ...I have been blessed 3 times to concieve in less than 4 months, so all I have for that is gratefulness, plus when I was ttc Ty , I made great friends in the 2ww thread and while TTC this baby , I couldn't have done without my charting girls Pregnancy , not for it , not against it , there are bits I love, such as the scans , and first kicks and parts I hate, ms , back ache, heartburn Labor , ugh , frigging hate it , have done it twice with no drugs, and never again , epidural all the way with this one, if that makes me selfish , quite frankly too bloody bad . I hate labor so much that if pain relief wasn't invented, I wouldn't have tried for number 3 Being a SAHM , I love , I love spending each day with my baby , I went back to work when C was a year old and I feel like I missed out on so much , so im grateful I get to stay home with Ty and baby and pick C up and drop her off Overall im pretty happy , so I don't really need to lie, and things like labor, well if people ask , I will tell them how I really found it , but I will say that everyone is different , and some cope better than others . When I was preg with C and living at Bethany , we would ask the house mothers there what labor was like " oh...its a different feeling" " right , does it hurt " " um , you'll see soon enough " It was very frustrating ------------- 
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:37pm
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Hmm... do a degree.
I like a good moan so am pretty comfortable doing that LOL I definately omit things from my birth story IF the person is pregnant with their first child. My birth was so far from "normal" (I know what is, but mine was definately on the outer spectrum of what can happen... in fact it is pretty much text book for what can go wrong LOL) and I dont believe first timers need to hear the full story. I tell the basic.. induced due to PE, long induction, waters broken, fetal distress, em section. I tell them if they want to know the full details I will tell them but after they have had their baby. Thats probably about it... For the most part I tell it how it is. Its a long, tedious, mind numbing job and I am the luckiest woman in the world to do it. Though some days it sure would be nice to go into the office and leave the madness behind! -------------   
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Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 8:51pm
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Not so much lying but...I under exaggerated how little I wanted to go back to work. Some of my most high flying friends we really shocked when I resigned. I played up the inflexiability of my employer, when really I didn't push too hard for part time work. Plus I also know that some of my friends have to go back to work and I'm lucky to have the choice.
I actually think there's heaps of pressure for Mums to go back to work. I feel like some people are asking why someone so smart would choose to stay at home and that I'm selling myself short intellectually. I became a Mum later in life than most and have spent a many years to in tough emotionally exhausting work. I don't have the strength to do both. I shouldn't really care what others think, but sometimes it can be tough. |
Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 17 July 2010 at 11:02pm
I  this thread! So many of you have said exactly how I feel, and it's refreshing to actually hear it said. Personally, I consider myself an open person (I must be considering all the personal stuff I post on a website anyone could read ) but it depends on the person I'm talking to - many people really don't want to know: men (generally); older women whose memories have been dimmed by time and all they remember is the feeling of a newborn baby in their arms; mothers who find it easy; friends without kids who will NEVER understand that being a SAHM is not all coffee groups and daytime TV - so I just don't bother. And yeah it doesn't help to tell first-time expectant mums that labour is more painful than you can ever possibly imagine. As for mothers in the same situation as me; if I do hold back, it's a cultural thing - like it was mentioned, I don't want to feel like I'm complaining, and I think that's the norm in NZ. We're a settler country and back in the day we had greater things to worry about, so we get on with life and don't moan about it.
For example, I had a traumatic birth and for the first year I would never would have deliberately gotten pregnant again (unless I could opt for an elective c-section), which is something I barely even admitted to myself; you feel like such a failure for feeling that way, considering women have been giving birth since life began (but back then we didn't have medical intervention, so women who had difficult births often didn't live to tell their tale). Fortunately my memories have faded, and I'm hopeful things will go better this time - but my SIL - who's Brazilian - openly told us that she's not going to have another child because she doesn't want to give birth again, it was too painful. (Her child is just about to turn one though, so possibly - like me - she'll change her mind .)
As for being a SAHM, I've found it incredibly tough at times, and although I've adjusted somewhat, I still can't wait for the day I go back to work. I am pleased I stayed at home (for various reasons), but I found it a huge adjustment to go from being a very independent person, a high achiever, seeing the world and doing a job I totally loved, to doing mundane, thankless tasks over and over again, having a reduced income (none of it that I earn, that was my biggest problem), and having my freedom curtailed. (And I can't be the only one - girls aren't raised for a life in the home anymore, we're raised to expect the world.) Having said that, at the end of the day it is all totally, 100% worth it, and it doesn't pay me to moan too much because I want all my other childless friends to stop galivanting around the world, earning massive salaries and partying every weekend, and to experience how much richer life is with children in it 
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 12:03am
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Haha Anakk, I agree with the last bit about wanting childless friends to have kids too...I was soooo excited when a friend I never thought was going to have a baby, told me she was pregnant. I was so pleased she was gonna experience the joy I have had (so I hope she loves it as much as I do). -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 7:18am
 ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 8:15am
Nah I don't lie .. I cant even sugar coat the truth most times. 
Although in fairness .. my DH just needs to look at me with a glint in his eye and I get pregnant .. and I loved being pregnant (both times). I even enjoyed (to a degree) getting the baby weight off! I had a horrible birth with Issy and she was a right PITA as a baby, but then everyone I know, knows that .. and apparently she wasnt any where near as bad as I was as a baby
And now when people ask .. I tell them its not a walk in the park and how life changing kids are .. I also tell everyone I cant wait for Elias to be two .. because I <3 Issy at this age and cant wait for them both to be toddlers. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 12:32pm
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I don't volunteer information but if I am asked I will usually answer honestly.
I never tell people that TTC broke our relationship and that the pieces will never quite fit together the same again. I seldom discuss my c-section in more than the most general of terms because I'm embarassed about how distressed it makes me. I feel like the goal was a healthy mother and healthy child and I got both of those but I cant get over how damaging it was both physically and emotionally. I cant stand the way people volunteer the most unhelpful information when you are pregnant - like the male colleague who persists in telling me that he only has two words for me and those words are "vaginal tearing". I dont want to discuss my vagina (or anyone elses) with a colleague!! I also dont like being asked by colleagues/strangers if I am doing perineal massage. People seem to lose their boundaries when it comes to pregnancy, birth and motherhood. I also agree with the earlier poster about NZ women. You really aren't complainers. I see heavily pregnant women carrying on like its business as usual and when you ask how they are you get a breezy "fine!". There I am tossing my cookies in the nearest flowerbed and walking like I'm trying to smuggle a frozen chicken out of the supermarket under my dress ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 1:06pm
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Tossing your cookies in the nearest flowerbed? What does that mean lol? -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 1:23pm
Throwing up/being sick 
------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 1:52pm
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TTT- well Amelia was a complete shock, she was not planned in any way , i was on the pill and in a very bad relationship that ended as soon as i found out i was pregnant . iv always said it would be just my luck that i wouldnt be able to get pregnant if i actually wanted to knowing murphys law. Pregnancy- i had a pretty normal pregnancy , had morning sicknes, bach ache , all the usual , the thing i did lie about was how i felt emotionaly , the fact that often i would cry myself to sleep at night with worry on how i was going to cope emotionally , financially , and physically being a solomum . i knew i would have no help from her father and it turned out to be very true . There were great parts of my pregnancy too . The labour - well once again the physical part of the labour was pretty ok , it HURT ALOT but through perserverence i managed to do it drug free, i admit tho i was lucky as i had no complications. once again tho emotionaly it was hard . i had support from my mother and friends which was great but it definatly would of been easier if i had a partner there with me. Early days - i would often lie and say i was doing fine with my new born baby , the fact was that she had extreme colic and reflux , i was in agony breastfeeding ( i found it much more painful than labour because it lasted about 2months). I was never told that breast feeding hurt , i was pretty much told i HAD to breastfeed , it was natural , cheap , and i was really given a choice. I am glad now that i kept with breastfeeding but i do look back and wonder why everyone around me found it so easy and pain free yet i found it so hard . i lied if people asked me if i needed help , i didnt want people to think i couldnt cope when in reality i was barely coping with the workload and sleepless nights with my newborn and doing it alone . i would cringe and imidiatly tense up when she cried because i knew it meant having a leach attatched to my sore , cracked , raw nipples. i will also admit i would feel very jelous of friends who had newborns or infants that didnt have colic and that would sleep well .
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 18 July 2010 at 3:32pm
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I'm a very honest person so I don't lie about stuff I just omit information. I only tell people who I think would be understanding.
So in terms of things I have ommited (sp?) to tell: - I didn't tell people how hard things really were in that newborn phase. But I did get fed up with emails from coffee group members when they were saying "loving baby - sleeping well, feeding well!" while I was desperately struggling with his feeding and my lack of sleep!!! It was really hard going - I don't think I ever shared my birth story on OB in my due/born in thread. I just couldn't bring myself to. Firstly, because at the time there were others still waiting for their baby and I didn't want to freak them out, but also because it's taken me so long to get over it (and I'm not sure I am) and it's just unpleasant memories mostly. I hope I'll be able to talk through it and then just remember the nice memories after that. - When people ask me how I'm enjoying being a mother - mostly I say "I'm loving it!" especially if I don't know them. And the truth is - I do love it but it's the hardest adjustments I have ever made - I am just selective about who I tell that to in general or in detail. - I also omit to tell people I have PND. I figure people will judge me or think I'm a fruit loop - and the people that do know I am sure that to a certain degree they think I'm a bit of a fruit loop and will be afraid to leave their kids with me for instance I don't know anyone who is really understanding of PND or who doesn't treat me weird if I tell them about PND except for those that have had it - and even then I still feel like they're looking at me sideways like I'm a loser or something - but it's probably just my paranoia This should be in the confessions thread!
- I also omit to tell people just how bad the housework is and desperately try to sort it out before people come around and say "sorry about the mess" even though I've spent a while tidying it up - I blame PND but it might just be me, dunno. But despite all that, the positives are that TTC was no problem for me. Pregnancy was ok-ish in my 2nd trimester. I spent my first with MS, my 2nd fairly uncomfortable with reflux and my 3rd was hideous. High blood pressure, uncomfortable, as big as a whale, felt down about how I looked, felt like I was always going to be pregnant and he would never come, and massive amount of fluid from head to toe etc. Labour - well ugh. Hideous. Oh yes - that's right I was listing positives haha He is a joy and absolutely worth everything I've been through. He is currently playing instead of sleeping in the cot and doing what DH calls his "dinosaur noise" ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SpecialK
Date Posted: 19 July 2010 at 8:54am
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Interesting topic Emmecat!
I can't lie to save myself so I tend to be pretty honest but I do gloss over the details depending on who I am talking to. TTC - never told anyone, but we have been incredibly lucky because DH basically has to look at me and I get pregnant. Pregnancy - I have been sicker this time, and it has been way harder on my body. I am honest if people ask, and especially with my family. Also, I find if I am always 'fine' then I can't really ask for help and no one will offer... and the one thing I have learned lately is that I can't nor do I want to be superwoman because it is impossible and stressful and I end up putting too much pressure on myself. Birth - I had a normal delivery with a wonderful OB and midwife, and despite feeling totally supported and well looked after I found the whole thing awful. Painful, long, traumatic and I was completely shocked by the loss of dignity. Not looking forward to doing it again It took me a while to admit it to myself, the first people apart from DH I told this were my parents who were not very supportive (what did I expect?) which was hard, and I just had to work through it myself. DH has been a rock.
BF - blimmin hard. I spent so many weeks after the birth in tears and in pain, feeling the pressure to bf this baby. I had some awful midwives, one in particular, who told me it was my fault that H wouldn't latch because I had an epidural and pushed him out wrong. She wouldn't help us bottle feed, despite the paed telling us he needed formula as his blood sugars were dropping rapidly and I could express 0.1 ml of colostrum if I was lucky. If it wasn't for the wonder lactation consultant at Plunket who was helpful and supportive and most importantly didn't guilt trip me, I would have stopped early on. Being a SAHM - has it's moments. I found going from a full on, well paid job to being a SAHM bloody hard and boring, especially in the first few months. The loss of own income and independence was hard as well. I am pretty honest about it, but again, gloss over the details depending on who is asking. Now, after a few meltdowns I have a plan and I am much happier. Lately I have been loving being a SAHM because H changes so much every day and he is so much fun, and I am really enjoying spending time with him because I know it won't be long before he is all grown up. When he is clingy,whingy, won't eat, won't sleep, well that's frustrating and hard and I want to throw him out the window. Gosh, what a novel
The thing that gets me is how many people (and mothers) are judgemental and critical, and often about issues that don't matter. Maybe that's why we lie. We all need support and sympathy, and practical help. And there are ways of offering that that is kind rather than superior. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: rachaels
Date Posted: 19 July 2010 at 10:47am
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Well I'm not yet a mum but I can comment on the TTC and pregnancy I guess.
TTC was a big shock. Dylan wasn't planned, in fact he was the result of a one night stand. The father spent 3 weeks trying to convince me to terminate, and once I had made the decision not to he ran for the hills. I feel guilty about those first 3 weeks because I was leaning towards a termination for most of that time. Then I realised I would fall apart emotionally and so I needed to keep the baby and I had better start getting happy about it. Now, since reading what people go through TTC I feel guilty as because I conceived without even trying. Pregnancy has sucked. When people ask me how it's going I say 'oh, we're okay' when actually this has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had MS from week 1 through 12, multiple bleeds, back ache, heartburn, insomnia, waters leaking at 24 weeks, UTIs, a kidney infection, a low lying placenta meaning no sex, cravings, aversions and the list just continues. I also resented giving up alcohol, smoking (tobacco and the green stuff ), foods I love, and my anti depressants which have been my 'safety net' for the last 8 years. I felt abandoned by all my crutches and at times I almost hated Dylan for that. Sometimes I still get kinda pissy with him when I realise that my life is never ever going to be the same and I'm never going to be the carefree party girl that I used to be.
HOWEVER! I understand that it's not his fault his mummy got laid and knocked up. Each time I have a bleed or end up in a doctors room I realise how deep my love for this little wriggly thing in my belly goes and that's got to be the most powerful feeling ever. I look back and I'm proud that I've gone through all this to get him safely into this world. I lie awake at night looking forward to his first tooth, word, step, his first day at school and his first crush. I plan how I will cope with each challenge and I love doing that. Labour and breastfeeding scare the s**t out of me and I would rather avoid them both. I admit I was one of those people that wanted every drug they could get during labour but since doing my research I'm realising I just need to man up and get on with it. I still avoid the subject and dream that labour will never happen and I'll be the first woman that was pregnant forever. I hate contact with my boobs and always have so I have no idea how I will cope with a wee parasite latching on...and I don't think the feeling of milk coming down will be at all pleasant. However, I know it's best for the both of us so I'm going to do it. Wow what a novel!!!
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Posted By: kazzam34
Date Posted: 19 July 2010 at 1:07pm
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One of the toughest things for me has been that society seem to see mothers as easy targets to be attacked.
The SAHM's I know say that they feel that they are often patronised by others because they do not have careers and that they feel that people look down on them. I have had to work since the birth of our first son 4 years ago and I often feel judged by the media and by other mothers for being a 'selfish' career woman. Other mothers can say some very damaging things without realising it, and then you have Porse sending round leaflets telling you that you are damaging your child by putting them in to 'institutionalised' daycare (my bright, sociable, articulate 4 year old disagrees - he loves it). It's just a constant guilt trip whatever you decide to do, and some of that guilt unfortunately comes from other mothers who do not always think before they speak or think that their way is the only way to do it. Kazzam |
Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 19 July 2010 at 4:51pm
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Kazza you are right.! We are pretty mean to each other. I guess we all have things we believe in when it comes to motherhood and we believe them strongly and passionately. We probably need to be more respectful of others' choices. I try to be - but it's hard sometimes.
At the end of the day so long as we have our child's best interest at heart - surely we can't go far wrong? I actually love what Angelina Jolie said on TV last night... which surprised me - I can tell you! She said that loads of things are important, eg. discipline and education and so on. But the most important thing is that our kids know that they make us happy and give us immense joy. I so agree with that. It's good to get that perspective. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 19 July 2010 at 8:19pm
| i am guilty. i lie about how I am feeling a lot, its almost automatically without thinking about it. my boss asked how i was and my auto answer was good, even though I am not and he knows I am not. |
Posted By: Angie21
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 2:13pm
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I had a good pregnancy no trouble at all not even any morning sickness, I didnt mind the first three months but the last 6 months i hated! i did not like being pregnant, i was hot and uncomfy my clothes didnt fit and i couldnt sleep. i got married at 7and a hlf months preg and had bh contractions the whole way through.
After saying that I honestly loved my labour even though it wasnt what i planned at all, im not gonna say it didnt hurt because it did but it was not that bad and holding my little boy made it all worth it. in saying that im not planning to do it again, not for a few years anyway! |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 2:49pm
speak up now or forever hold your peace??? lol. poor you tho, I got married at 5 months and that was exhausting enough without the BH!! -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 3:06pm
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I think I forget, I will say I loved pregnancy, I miss being pregnant, labour was easy.... Going back a second time I suddenly remembered all the awful things, the morning sickness, low blood pressure... I know I still had it pretty easy but at the time I did not think so. The thought of having to go through that all again scares me a lot!
If someone asked me how I found pregnancy and birth, I am not going to complain because I know almost everyone else has had it a lot worse than I have and feel like a winger. Motherhood, yeah I lie about that too. It is hard! I can't tell you the amount of times DH has come home to me sitting on the couch in tears ready to throw it all in. I don't feel like a wonderful mum. I dont sit and play with my kids all day, a lot of the time (including right now) they are left just sitting in front of the TV. And yet I very rarely admit that to anyone, I do my best to make it look like I am doing well, if we ever do anything fun and exciting I will make sure I take photos and post them on FB so everyone can see what we have been up. I do put on a front and like to make it look like we have it all together when a lot of the time I am barely just making it through the day. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 5:38pm
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I don't lie. Except to myself!
I sometimes wonder whether I make motherhood harder for myself though. Its the guilt that gets me.... its neverending. Today I was feeling guilty that Jackson had pizza for dinner last night, so I made pumpkin soup and a second dish of mince and pasta in case he wouldn't eat it. He threw it all on the floor, and now I am feeling guilty that he hasn't eaten again! Before I go to bed at night I go and sit on their beds and stroke their heads, and feel really bad for any yelling or bad things I had done that day... its like a neverending cycle! ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 6:36pm
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From what everyone is so beautifully -and honestly- saying, it seems that motherhood is full of guilt and to a certain degree, resentment. I know I can identify with both those feelings at times! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Angie21
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 9:12pm
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guilt is a huge part of it i guess id never thought about that part of, i feel guilty when i dont think ive made my son laugh enough or if i dont think ive played with him enough, its all the little things.
i think i hold alot of resentment not towards my son i dont think but towards the fact that my dad died 2weeks before i found out i was preg, so he missed out on my wedding and meeting my son and while i know hes watching over us sometimes when i look at my son it hurts so much and i cant help but cry about it because he was there for my brother and sisters kids but not mine. but in the end when my little man smiles at me and laughs it is so worth it. what i think we all need to remember is that we do the best we can and we love as kids as much as humanly possible and they know that and they love us too and thats the most amazing thing in the world! |
Posted By: Jazzybear
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 10:21am
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Thanks for such an enlightening thread! Makes perfect sense and makes me want to help out a friend more now who I think is putting on a "front".
Also makes me think - all my friends who seem to have it all down pact and everything sorted arent so perfect if that makes sense? Because I know I think how on earth will I cope like they do when I finally have kids - but maybe they just dont cope like that all the time so thank you! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 10:46am
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That's what I've been wondering, whether you're doing your childless friends a disservice, by coming across as perfect mothers who can manage anything that's thrown at them.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 11:11am
Totally agree....I know when starting BF, in the video it said it was 'perfectly pleasant and natural'....well it wasn't for me!! It is now but it was not at the start! How hard do we make it on women by these sorts of things? -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 11:55am
They may not believe you anyway, . I know I read all sorts of stories on how hard labour was and how painful it was and saw the videos about it at antenatal classes. And I STILL thought - "Surely it can't be THAT bad - surely 2 million years of evolution would have made getting a baby out of your body easier than that". So, I have to admit - labour was harder than I thought it was going to be even though I should have known the truth, it was in actual fact quite painful Even if I knew exactly how painful it was going to be - what good would that have done me anyway? You can't really plan for how you are going to react to that sort of pain. Even for this baby coming - I've sort of forgotten the pain of labour (the brain is good like that) so it will be as if I didn't know how painful it was going to be again.
And people did tell me how hard motherhood was going to be. I didn't believe them, I knew I could handle it. And turns out I was actually right about that one (speaking for me) - motherhood is not as hard as everyone warns you it will be. Breastfeeding also came easy for me even though I read lots of horror stories about that. I tell people this if they ask. If they ask me if labour was really painful I say yes and if they want more I give them a brief decription - but I don't feel the need go into super intimate detail of exactly how painful it was (how can you describe that anyway?) And if they ask if motherhood is hard I tell them that no it isn't hard, perhaps time consuming - but definitely not as hard as everyone warned me it would be. So, I don't lie as such - I just don't see the point in telling all the nitty gritty details unless they really really want to know. Ignorance is bliss ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 3:04pm
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I definitely lie. I never tell anyone IRL that pretty much the only reason I'm still BFing Caleb part time is because the thought of putting him on formula full time makes me feel physically ill and like a complete failure as a mother and a woman. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: astral_monkey
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 4:41pm
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This is a great thread!
I don't have kids yet, but when I do I'm in for a treat! MIL is always telling me how DH never slept through the night, (when he was a teenager, Doc finally concluded he couldn't 'switch his brain off' so to speak). And she frequently re-enacts the story of how when he was a toddler she took him to the neighbours and through gritted teeth instructed the neighbour to "take him. Take him, before I kill him." Hehehe! Oh, yeah, I'm laughing now, while I still can. Good luck ladies! (Oh, also, I lie about TTC all the time. A few people know we are, but even they don't know many of the details.) ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 6:26pm
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OMG I can totally relate to this!! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: pumpkino
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 10:30pm
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I generally tell the truth. The only time I lie is to my mum or MIL when they ask about Toby's sleeping - they interrogate me every time they talk to me because he's never slept through and they are both convinced it's because I BF (they both FF so gang up on me!). I don't lie elaborately, I just say "it's fine" and change the subject.
re the other stuff: TTC - I think we told people that it was on the cards if they asked but tbh we didn't really have a chance as I got pg within 2 weeks which was a bit of a shock! (although we didn't find out for another 3-4 weeks after that) Pregnancy - I hated it and everyone who saw me knew it. I had terrible hyperemisis the whole way through and was on strong drugs until 34 weeks, in and out of hospital, lost 10kg in my first tri etc etc. I do think I will risk it again because I love my son so much and want to give him brothers and sisters but I def don't think of it as a positive experience. Labour/birth - when people ask I tell them it was as horrendous as I thought it would be but I don't belabour the point (excuse the pun). I was a bit unusual in that I was in labour for nearly 6 days and by the time Toby was born he was 16 days overdue (this was overseas, I don't think it would happen that way here!), so it was a pretty horrid experience too. BF - the hardest thing I have ever done and I always tell people that. I wish people had told me how hard it could be before I tried it. I was told over and over again how good it was and "if it hurts you're doing it wrong" which was so unhelpful. I was in agony for weeks, thinking it was all my fault, before I was diagnosed with ductal thrush (by my husband over the internet! My GP had never heard of it). Yes, BFing is natural but that doesn't mean it's easy. I didn't BF without pain until Toby was 13 or 14 weeks old - I am really glad I persevered and it is fab now, but it was really hard at the start. Being a mummy - love it. Will have to go back to work soon and I hate the thought of it. I'm lucky that I love my job but whenever I think of leaving Toby with someone else I want to cry. In fact I can feel it starting now so better wrap this up!! P :) |
Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 1:07pm
Aww but you should be so proud of yourself! You little girl is 1 and you've done this wonderful thing for her. You've given her a huge part of yourself every day for her entire life so far! That's not a small thing.  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 3:52pm
I lie about alot. I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions and guilt-tripping over my choices but I only talk to DP about it in RL. I constantly feel like I'm failing him and the boys but I won't share with other people mostly coz I worry they'll agree with me 
Ditto on the part-time BFing too! -------------   
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