I need your help with DS
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34661
Printed Date: 22 August 2025 at 9:12pm
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Topic: I need your help with DS
Posted By: emz
Subject: I need your help with DS
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:28pm
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Long story short, DS (2.5yo) is freaking out because he's realised DH is away for a while (3 months, which isn't long for us, but first overseas deployment since DS was born).
He's kicking, hitting, biting, throwing things at me, Ava and the walls, screaming, and then just breaking down in tears. It's only been 5 days but I'm trying to think of things I can do to try and ease him into the deployment. Things I've done so far... -Had a talk to him about DH going away, constantly mentioned it and put a positive light on it. -Made a book about DH's deployment for DS to look at -Printed the last photos we got of him at the airport, and saved the news that we were on for DS to watch -Taped Dh leaving messages for the kids for bed time etc -Made a caterpillar timeline, where we put a sticker on each day and put pictures up about what we're doing during the week to break up the deployment. I never thought he'd react so badly - DH was gone for 8months all up last year but only in month blocks. I burst into tears when I picked him up from DC today - he looked so miserable and apparently spent the day saying 'I sad... Dad gone... can't see him' Please any ideas on things I can do to help with this would be great. I've googled constantly, talked to the Chaplains at camp, the lady that deals with the families of deployed personnel, and my aunty whose been through it with 3 kids over 30 years. But I need to do something - I feel like the world's worst parent because I can't protect him from this 
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Replies:
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:41pm
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Oh hun , I don't have any more suggestions yet, (will have to think ) but I didn't want to read and run
Im so sorry for you and for your little boy , it must be very frustrating and confusing for him to have daddy gone . Chances are that after a good nights sleep he may be a bit calmer , otherwise , I guess just keep him as busy as possible (hard I know when you have another baby who needs your attention ) in order to distract him from missing dad . As for you being the worst parent , I think you're being very hard on yourself , and I think all the ideas you came up with are brilliant , I wouldn't have thought of them ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:42pm
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Go see the deployment lady in Burnham. I have heard she is wonderful with ideas for kids. My friend is set to go overseas in August and his son all he knows is he is going to work and won't be home at night. We also have no idea where he is actually going to be based. Where has he gone to? ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:43pm
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The only thing I can think of is getting him to make something for daddy. Maybe cards to send, or something bigger, like a scrap book or something that he can give to daddy when he gets back? Maybe something like that wouldn't be too hard for DC to get involved in as well?
Must be so hard for you all, I hope things improve 
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:47pm
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No ideas sorry, but didn't want to read and run. That must suck! XXXX ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 7:54pm
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Big hugs hun must be so tough!
Sorry I don't have any brilliant suggestions, but two_boys suggestion of making stuff for Daddy could be good. Is there any way that your DH could get on Skype or something like that? I guess if that was possible you would probably already be doing it... Anyway, lots of love and hugs from us, hope things settle down soon  ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 8:02pm
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Oh I really feel for you! how awful, poor wee man. Anything I would do for my girl if dad went away overseas you are already doing...
When/if he is still going away, I thought of getting her a little army teddy bear from the teddy bear factory (down blenheim rd) with a voice recording for her, something she can have with her all the time, but you have pretty much covered that with the voice recordings. 3 months is a long time, is he more upset this time cos you said goodbye at the airport? When my partner has been away for a few months (in nz) he says good bye at home, just like a normal day at work. But airport goodbyes are so much more emotional. Hopefully because it's still early days, he will get a bit better as they days go by, I really feel for you right now, its SO hard seeing your kids miss dad, don't forget to look after yourself also ------------- 
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 8:17pm
Oh Emz  You are doing an amazing job, and you've implemented some really really good ideas about helping your lovely boy to cope. It must be so hard on you and the kids.
The only other thing I can think of (which I'm sure you're already doing) is talking about feelings - when he says "I sad, daddy gone" giving him a big big cuddle and say "I know it's sad, you miss your daddy don't you and it's hard. I miss him a bit too. It's ok to feel sad. Cos your daddy is great isn't he, you love him very much. And he loves you too. He'll come back home though and then you can spend lots of time together again. Do you want to watch the video of daddy when we get home?" that sorta thing. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 8:40pm
That sounds like a great idea! Also is he able to keep in contact by phone or skype or anything? Poor wee guy! Hope you find a solution! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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two_boys wrote:Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 8:49pm
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Can't help with strategies sorry, but would love to know how you get on, as this is something we're likely to have to face in 12 months time, with DH going away.
Has DH just left? Does he keep in contact via email etc when he's on deployment? I guess there's always a period of adjustment when they first go. Sounds like your doing all the right things, its tough being an Army kid. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 9:44pm
Thanks guys, I have tears  Such a sap!
two_boys, we are sending Dh stuff and DC is getting involved with sending things too, but I love the scrapbook idea! Thanks for that! Liz, I talk about feelings but he gets happy when I talk about it OK being sad? It's weird. I even cried in front of him today, and said 'look mummy's crying too, it's Ok to cry if you miss daddy'. Such a hard one. Becks, you'll be thinking of Carol, who is on leave cos her dad's sick. Have got all the info but atm we get redirected to the DSO at Linton. DH is just in the Solomons this time, so it's not a big drama, but yes I think the airport farewell was a bit too much for Jack, poor wee guy. We are in the process of trying to get Skype for him (he's trying to download it on his laptop) because where he'll be staying they have no phone access, just internet. |
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 9:54pm
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Maybe it makes him feel better when his feelings are acknowledged and he knows it's ok to be sad, that's why he gets happy? These wee 2 year olds are so complex aren't they. My boy kept coming outta bed tonight (usually he doesn't anymore) and when I realised it was cos DH was out at a meeting and he missed him, I thought of you and how easy we have it.
Hope he can get skype soon. If DH has access to a video camera, he could make a short video showing Jack around where he's staying and stuff? All the cool boy things he'd want to know about. And you could make a video for him, if Jack wanted to show him something or sing a song or whatever - something especially for daddy. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: BeLoved
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 9:58pm
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I just wanted to send you hugs, it sounds like you are doing lots of great things to help him with his Dad being away. I wish I could think of something else to add to all the things you are doing.
My DH leaves next week for an unknown amount of time but at least a month and I am really unsure of how DD will be once he is gone, she is 19 months old and very attached to her Daddy. I completely sympathise with it being so hard seeing them so sad, and I hope the next 3 months go as quickly as possible for you and your kids. ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 10:07pm
| i have no other ideas... all these are great and you are dong such a fantastic job!!! didnt want to read and run. tbh i was crying a little by the time i got down to the bottom of the page. huge huge huge hugs hun! |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 10:44pm
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Aww Emz I'm all teary for you both. I don't have any good ideas but please don't feel like a bad parent - you sound like you are doing an amazing job with the situation and you can't protect him from everything sometimes you just have to be there to help him through. -------------  
 
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 11:00pm
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This is quite a different situation but looked after a young school age child and she was very difficult... and the breakthru happened when one day she cried and I cuddled her and she said she missed her parents. I then told her that whenever she was sad or wanted a cuddle, she just needed to come and tell me. From then on she did that and our relationship and bond really grew and the bad behaviour seemed to stop.
Boys often seem to act out in anger when they are sad, so it's great that you are encouraging tears, talking about feelings and cuddles. I agree with Bobbie. You can't protect him from feeling sad, you can only help him through it and give him the love and support and comfort that he needs to work through it. Must be so hard for you both I can't imagine.. Hugs to you! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: tictacjunkie
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 11:43pm
| I don't really have anything sorry, DH is ex-army & his current job takes him away from home a lot. With our kids it is the first couple of weeks that are the hardest, then they settle. The older two ask where dad is, other two are happy with "at work", & he'll be "back soon". Ds'll be watching you to see that you're ok before he decides that he's ok too. I do things with the kids (eg make pizza, go to movies) that we don't do when DH is home, so there's something to look forward to. |
Posted By: Chops1975
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 1:22am
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no better ideas than the ones on here but just wanted to say again;
Don't you doubt yourself, you're doing fantastic given the situation!! You're the best mum for worrying so much and trying so hard...HUGS ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: sally belly
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:51am
How is Jack today emz? Poor wee guy, it must be so confusing for them because they don't always understand the concept of time. And 3 months is a pretty long time . I love the idea of the caterpillar timeline - I might have to steal it 
I'm sorry I don't have any good suggestions but don't forget that you ARE doing a great job. I know how damn hard it is on your own. -------------    
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Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 10:23am
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No ideas here either. Just wanted to give support. Must be really hard! Hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 11:56am
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Yep it is Carol I am thinking of she was the NZDF person of the year last year. Who is the Linton on you have been told to talk to?
------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 12:59pm
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Can't remember Becks, have the info at home.
Jack had a good night last night after completely melting down at daycare yesterday. I've sent some pictures along with him, and they're going to give him cuddles every half hour  at least and talk to him about dad. We'll see how we go.
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 2:26pm
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Do you think constantly talking to him about Dad helps or makes it worse I was wondering? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 3:09pm
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WE had issues with Charlotte when Mum moved down to invercargill. She was only weeks off three, but was still to little to understand much about it apart from some she has seen almost every day of her short wee life had dissapeared. At first, the phone calls were horriffic, she would get hysterical and it would take me hours and ours to calm her down, those wee sobs wracking her tiny frame. Every night at bed time, "I miss my hiya, I miss my gramma). I started to avoid ringing mum becasue I dreaded the drama that went along with it and hated seeing Charly so upset, howver quickly learnt that that was the wrong thing to do. I started sending pics of mum (Hiya or gamma) in her pocket and bag to pre school and had a pic by her bed. I cuddled her lots and let her know its ok to miss her hiya because mama misses her too. Regular phone calls were a must and I told her any time she wanted to talk to hiya we would ring, even if all she did was cry. I know that made it hard on mum, but after a while it really helped Charly. She stillg ts upset for mum and still nightly says how much she misses her but they hysterics don't happen as much anymore. I hope things settle down soon, Emz, I know its hard on all of you and this makes it feel worse.
XA ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 3:15pm
When we were overseas earlier this year (6 weeks apart from DH) the girls would get more agitated after talking on the phone to Daddy. Eventually we decided not to do phonecalls at all. We would mention Daddy in passing but never focus too much on the fact that we were apart. Interestingly enough they were fine with seeing him on Skype. Our situation was different however; a) We were the ones away and b) it's not likely to occur again for 2 years. If it was to be a more regular thing then I would probably do what Emz is doing as the next time it'll likely to be an easier transition. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 7:04pm
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I wondered that too, but like Tishy said, it's a fairly normal part of our lives so it would be unfair to the kids and to DH to pretend like he doesn't exist. We generally talk about Dad a lot during the day.
Fats, thanks so much yet again for your wise words. That goes to all of you that have suggested something or just said something to make me smile He had a slightly better day today until another army guy came and picked up his son (which he never does so it was just my luck) plus I was stressed out cos my dad got rushed to hospital this morning and is still there and they don't know what's wrong with him. Just waiting for the 3rd thing to go wrong... 
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