Extended Family - how do you deal with..
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34590
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Topic: Extended Family - how do you deal with..
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: Extended Family - how do you deal with..
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 12:45pm
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My dads mum drives me batty..
The background: She has always always always compared our family to my aunt/uncle/cousins in invers. We always come out as 2nd best in her eyes to them. I've always been compared to my cousin who is the same age. I got better marks than her in high school but the woman somehow managed to make me feel dumber than my cousin. Cousin went to uni and has gone on to get her honours while I got married, own home and family. But what my cousin has done is so much better in my grandmas eyes. She complains she never sees Daniel but she makes no effort either. my mum takes him round to her house whenever he stays at mums and apparently she is never home or when they drop by shes just heading out and doesnt wanna delay going to the rsa or something for 5 mins to say hello to him. The one and only time she has been to our house(we only live 20 mins away and she drives all over the country) is after daniel was born. So thats one visit in 8 years of living away from home. When Daniel was born she came here and moaned about the way I was doing things. Then she was absolutely stinking of purfume and I was really struggling with the strength of it so I didnt want 4 day old Daniel being held by her for a long period of time and she got stroppy about it. She didn't respect that I didn't want her to come over that day because my milk had come in and I was struggling with feeding. All that mattered was her coming to see her great grandchild. My problem: I'm trying to figure out now how I can stop this woman coming to my house and making me feel like crap and just barging on in when she pleases to see this baby. I don't want to create a family feud but I'm fed up with her crap. She doesn't treat the rest of her grandchildren this way apart from me and my brother. I'm very tempted to just explode if she tries it again but I don't think its the best solution, especially for my dad. I wanna put an end to her complaining and thinking its her god given right to see her great grandchild when she wants and not take anyone else into consideration. She walks all over my parents so I have no help there. Any suggestions? |
Replies:
Posted By: KazS
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 12:47pm
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when you answer the door when she comes to visit i would greet her with "so are you going to be nice and civil and not make me feel like crap"
Some people need to be pulled up on their behaviour - she probably doesnt even realise she is doing it! Nip it in the bud now or you will forever resent her |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 12:58pm
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Do it, it needs to be done. Is this the same woman who came to Daniel's 3rd??? ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 12:59pm
| No, that was my nana and shes lovely. My grandma gets jealous that my nana sees daniel more often than she does but my nana makes an effort and never puts anyone down. |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:02pm
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I would tell her. My grandma could say the most hurtful things (without really meaning to be horrible) but everyone always let it go. I stood my ground and told her that if she was going to talk/treat me like that then she wouldn't see me. She's been pretty good since.
E.T.A What is it with old people?!? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:10pm
LOL! I'd lay thr ground rules when you talk to her bout coming over (I assume she lets you know in advance? If not maybe you call her and set the time/date.) and say y'know no perfume, no more than half an hour and only at this time. If she arrives smothered in stench greet her at the door with a 'hi glad you came but unfortunately I can't let you meet the baby while you're wearing perfume, like we've already discussed' or if she arrives at a different time to the one you wanted then 'sorry this isn't a good time but you're welcome to come back at the time I suggested on the phone'. If she starts laying in to you when shes there I'd stand up and say thanks for coming but I don't like being spoken to like that so I want you to go. If she has a hissyfit just be calm cool and determined - I know you can be 
Good luck hun! -------------   
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clover wrote:Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:18pm
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The perfume was hideous, she was only in the living room but after she left we could smell it everywhere, our couch stank of it like she poured the whole bottle over her and it was a gross old lady perfume!
The problem with laying the law with this woman is that she goes back to my mum and makes her life miserable in return. eg. mum told her that I had had daniel, on day 2 the woman wanted to come see me and I said hell no so she rang mum over and over and over again whining about it. I'm tempted to put a note on the door specifically for my grandma "piss off unless ur gonna behave yourself woman!" lol - not really but it would be tempting. God I love my nana, shes so nice and much less work! lol |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:35pm
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She's only been to see you once in eight years so its probably not that much of a big deal. Why don't you brace yourself for your one visit and reassure yourself that you don't have to go through it again.
I had 'lovely Grandma' and 'other Grandma' growing up and 'other Grandma' was like yours. We would go for a token visit about 3-4 times a year and they would come and stay once a year. It was always tense, we spend a lot of time playing outside so really only had to endure them over the dinner table which was enough. She divorced my Grandfather when my father was very young and my Dad wasn't allowed any contact which was always a regret to me that I didn't get to at least meet him. Maybe he was a good guy, I would rather have known an awful person briefly than to never meet. I guess for this reason I think your Mum is doing the right thing taking your boy around there sometimes. Its great that you have a nice Nana so your children can enjoy her. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:55pm
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well it sounds like it will only be one day you have to put up with it so i would probably just grin and bear it and come on here later and have a rant about her.
------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 1:57pm
| Its one day at my house, but then I do have to listen to the put downs and comparisons at any family get together or event which is much more frequently. |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 2:00pm
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I know how bad it is with family and then other family members get it. Only thing I think you can do is talk to your mom. Tell her that you and DH is going to have a visiting time that people can come and visit to see bubs so you all can get a bit of rest and just settle into being a family and let the siblings settle in too.
So then perhaps ask your moms help with this by asking her if she can go fetch her for a visit at say day 5 or 6 and have everything ready. Cake and all that. (anything that will keep her mouth occupied so she cant speak to much and with food in her mouth cant really hold the baby.) I think that might be the only solution that I see. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 2:09pm
Do you talk to your cousin at all? Perhaps your grandmother puts her down too, and compares her to you (ie: making her think she's a poor second to you). It could just be the way she is - she sounds pretty bitter about something. Sorry you have to deal with that crap though  ------------- 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 3:04pm
you can always walk away - or do what i do and change the subject to something completely different and irrelevant. i do it quite often at the IL's... or make a joke of things. i love how it can make some people feel uncomfortable but they arent quite sure why. LOL! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 3:07pm
thats a good point. my husband was talking to his half brother one day and it was only then they both realised that their dad made them both feel inadequate compared to the other... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 3:15pm
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My grandmother was exactly the same - constantly comparing my sister and I to her sister's grandchildren.....which did get awfully tiresome. Plus she was more than a handful every family get-together and made life so difficult. But at the end of the day she was a stubborn old lady, and nothing we did or said was going to change anything. We tended to do what Bizzy said - just ignore and change the subject. Now that she's been gone 15 years, I look back on the situation and feel a bit sorry for her, because she missed out on making really good connections with us. I think overall she meant well, but just didn't know how to show it.
Sorry, that probably isn't much help at all! I just wonder if making a big deal out of the situation (even though it is!) would really help change things? Can you see her changing the way she talks or thinks?-------------  
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