Lack of instincts!
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34188
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Topic: Lack of instincts!
Posted By: Speck8
Subject: Lack of instincts!
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 5:48pm
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So I am still struggling big time with this whole being a Mum thing. My wee boy is nearly 6 weeks old and I still can't figure him out and it's really upsetting me.
We work on a loose 3 hour schedule and today he's kinda napped for maybe two hours tops. He woke at 4:15pm and I fed and changed him, I tried to burp him but didn't manage to bring anything up (I don't always get burps out of him). And so at 4:45pm I'm holding him wondering what to do next, do I play with him or put him down to bed? I decide to read him a story but he starts wriggling around in my arms and moving his legs and crying, so I think maybe these are the jerky leg movements (tired sign) that I keep hearing about, so I put him down and he continues to squirm and cry. So I'm thinking maybe he's bored, maybe I shouldn't have put him down.....? And then I think maybe he's got wind so I pick him and try to burp him again but can't get anything up. I hold him against me but that doesn't calm him either. So I rock him in his moses basket and try to get him to sleep thinking he's overtired This continues for about 45mins or so by which time I'm in tears and then I start thinking maybe he's hungry? Maybe he's going through a growth spurt? It's only been 1.5 hours since I fed him but maybe that's it???? But honestly - how do you really know???!!!! I feel so completely clueless, helpless and very upset!! Everyone keeps telling me to trust my instincts but my instincts are giving me nothing!!! And they never do so how on earth can I trust something that doesn't exist??? |
Replies:
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 5:57pm
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Deep breaths...
Do you swaddle him? Swaddling him might help him settle... With Lily I get her up she has a nappy change, a little play until she gets grizzly then a feed, then a burp sometimes we get burps sometimes not, then she has a little play, another feed, a burp and swaddled for a nap, for her it's about an hour- 1.5 hours now. At 6 weeks she was up for 45-1 hour. Then needed to go to bed... I guess a lot of it for me is trial and error, I felt really confident in the early days about reading her but some days I really don't have a clue, I try to just go with the flow and use trial and error, usually works. But that's just my opinion and I know someone else will have better advice!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 5:57pm
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Firstly - RELAX. Sod that instinct stuff. It took me at least 8 weeks to feel like I had any idea what I was doing.
In the absence of instinct or feeling like you know what you're doing - try to follow a bit of a routine (but be flexible). Feed, play then sleep. He will probably need a sleep after 60-90 mins of being awake (max) and he might not self sleep anymore (like they do when they're newbies) so you will need to wrap him up and put him somewhere to sleep. You need to do this at the first sign of grump or he'll wind himself up too much. Also, my little girl is not very cuddly (sigh) and sometimes I find she's all agitated and I'm trying to settle her without success only to put her down quickly to get a coffee or something and find she's suddenly happy so she actually wanted to be left to wriggle on her own. Oh and they change the rules all the time so just when you do think you know what you're doing he'll want to do something else. Welcome to motherhood. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 5:58pm
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Oh yeah, with Lily, when she was a newbie she would go to sleep anywhere then suddenly she wouldn't sleep unless it was a quiet room... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 6:17pm
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my advice with a newborn is forget the play aspect of it... playing at that age is when you look at them and smile and talk to them while feeding and changing them. they dont need to be awake and playing at that age.. cause once they get overtired thats when the problems start! oh and sometimes wind can make them appear hungry.
i agree too about the instinsts... it doesnt come naturally, it comes over time when you and baby both get used to each other and learn to recognise their signs... oh and then they go and change it all on you! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 6:31pm
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Thanks guys.
Yes I do swaddle him although he wriggles and squirms and sometimes gets out of it. I ended up feeding him cos his screams were becoming unbearable, so then of course I start thinking maybe he's got colic? Or maybe reflux? Just something to explain his screaming. Or maybe I'm not bringing his wind up, I use Infacol and try my very best to bring his wind up but sometimes (often) I just don't get anything and he also often criesscreams when I try to burp him. Arrghhhhhh - why anyone would want to go through this experience ever again is beyond me!!!!!!! |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 6:46pm
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Oh yes, when I say play I really mean just an awake period at that age where you might smile at him a bit or have a short kick around on his back or tummy.
Hmmm, yes reflux can kick in about that age. I found the reflux cry more high pitched and screamy than her hungry or grumbly cry. It was accompanied by arching her back. Also a musty sort of smell on her breath. But really it's so hard to pick from the other things you mentioned. You could try keeping him upright for 30mins after the feed and tipping his bed up (at least 30 degrees) and if that seems to help maybe see your GP about some meds. Goodness I don't know why I'm offering advice, There are much more experienced mum's out there. But don't be too hard on yourself. It's a tricky job at the best of times, let alone when you're sleep deprived and no-one has given you the rule book. And trust me, on the good days you seem to forget all about the bad ones really quickly. The first smile makes it seem very worthwhile as well. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 7:19pm
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Yup same, play at that age was just talking, smiling, cooing at her, reading a story. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 7:43pm
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hugs to you...i felt the same.and it's totally normal....I still feel like I'm only just understanding him now at almost 5 months:)
they do come eventually..but those first few months are super hard work:( ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: mollycat
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 7:44pm
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I had no idea what I was doing either. I was at a complete loss most of the day. Try not to get too down - you'll wake up one day and realise your baby is 10 months old and wonder where your little baby went (having completely forgotten how miserable and upset you were when they WERE tiny)... LOL ------------- http://tickers.cafemom.com"> 
193 |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 7:58pm
Hugs 
Yeah motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be, TBH I can't remember most of the first 6 weeks. After you feed him & try & burp him, cuddle him close on your chest, lie back against the couch & rub his back in nice big circles, enjoy having him close & he'll take comfort in your heart beat as well, chances are he'll fall asleep on you so you have a snooze too you've earned it.
Definitely work on getting him up & down within that 45-1hour up time. Also remember there is a supposed 4th trimester. During that time I kept my babies close & cuddled them as much as possible, just as this is a huge adjustment for you it's just as big an adjustment for him, how would you feel being forced out of a nice warm place into a bright cold place. Don't worry what is expected of you, just do your best by him ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 8:06pm
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A 4th trimester! What a lovely concept. I felt like tha without having words for it. wish I'd heard that one before. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 8:17pm
When Jude was new I just fed him whenever it seemed he wanted it. I never bothered with any sort of routine. He could wake up and feed, change and feed, play and feed and then feed and sleep if he so pleased but mostly he fed when he got up and then fed before he went to sleep. Usually, the first thing I did was offer him a feed - I figured if it was something else, he wouldn't want to feed and I'd do the process of elimination from there. Even if I'd just fed him and then he got a bit grumpy again and I couldn't figure out what it was then I'd offer him the boob again! Lol. Worked for us - perhaps why he gained weight so quickly but it worked for us! And he was a happy and contented baby ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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LolaM wrote:Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 8:23pm
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If it's any consolation I'm not a natural-born mother, and it took me about 12 weeks before Brooke settled down and/or I got the hang of it. Having a baby is a big shock to the system - cut yourself some slack. So long as you've been through the could it be "hungry, windy, too hot, too cold, dirty nappy, too tired?" checklist and ticked them all off, then that's all you can do. The one instinctual thing that has worked for me is knowing when to take Brooke to the doctor - if in doubt, I go. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 June 2010 at 8:23pm
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I often wonder if thats why Lily doubled her birth weight so quickly Delli, because I felt like I was feeding Lily 24/7.
I was told to give her a dummy but it made for a horrible 2 weeks. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 6:20am
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It's really nice to know that many of you felt the same during those first few months - so thanks for sharing!
It would be great if I could just cuddle him and hold him close but he doesn't even like that!!! He squirms and wriggles and screams! It's hard for me to even burp him over my shoulder as he can only handle it for about 30 seconds before he starts wriggling and screaming - it's just like he's so miserable and sad all the time :( Also, in the first few weeks I did go down the route of just always offering him the breast when he seemed upset and I worked myself up into a right state after he stayed on the breast for 9 hours straight one time!!!! He was using me as a dummy. So now I feed him 3 hourly (give or take) which is heaps better but now all the self doubt is coming back and if he screams an hour or so after being fed instead of thinking he can't be hungry I think maybe I didn't feed him enough or maybe he's going through a growth spurt???? There's just no way of knowing! |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 7:33am
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9 hours straight you poor thing! Kiara did 4-5 hours during her growth spurts and I thought that was bad.
If you want someone to watch what you're doing, give one of the Plunket Family Centre's a ring and book yourself in for a day. I went to have them look at Kiara's feeding when she was doing something weird and it was great. Lots of friends have also raved about them saying they came away feeling like they felt they now had some confidence in the things they could try themselves. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 7:48am
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Good idea to go to Plunket if you can.
Also if you aren't able to wind against you another way that worked for me was to hold him on my knee facing away from me, well he was sitting sideways, rest his chin in your hand, so he starts sorta crunched over & then lift up so you are straightening him out & tip him slightly forward. Rub his back & jiggle your leg. This worked really well in time to Elton John  as each song had the exact same bass beat.
Also try propping up his bassinette in case he does have reflux. You could always try a dummy, no one is going to frown on you for doing that. Well some might but if it helps your sanity like it did mine, you soon learn to tell them to go screw themselves. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 8:47am
| Yeah I've been to the Plunket Family Centre 4 times!!! And I use a dummy!!! ahhhhh |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 9:02am
9 hours! Stink
If it's any help, babies DO go through a major growth spurt at around 6 weeks. Jude was just over 5 weeks when he went through a stage of feeding every hour for about 24 hours! Sorry you are having a bit of a hard time. I know it's no help right now but you two WILL get through this stage (and then on to something just as baffling....). I've heard of people videoing a screaming episode of their babies and taking it with them to the doctors (because for some reason children always seem to have nothing wrong with them at the doctors) who will then finally prescribe reflux meds or the like. Perhaps that could be worth a shot?  It can't be easy, hopefully you find a solution soon.------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 9:15am
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Lily went through a stage for 2 weeks where she fed hourly it was so tiring and felt like it would never end, but it does! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 9:19am
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Hi LolaM. Don't worry, you are definitely not the only one out there who has felt like they have NO instincts and have no idea what they are doing!
I was exactly the same as you in so many respects, it could have been my post in the early days  Everyone told me to trust my instincts and relax, both of which did NOT help
I am by NO means any sort of expert as my son is only four months now, but I can tell you that it WILL get better. Everyone says that too, but believe me when I tell you that it is true! It is hard to imagine that where you are, but it WILL happen
Looking back this is the advice I would give: - personally I think the one hour up, two hours asleep general rule works well for MOST (but by no means all) babies. If you can get your baby to sleep two hours! Mine never did 
- Feeding around 2 1/2 to 3 hourly during the day, and on demand at night. - I noticed a REAL growth spurt around 6 weeks and 3 months, but he didn't feed more during the day, just at night. However he did cluster in the evenings. - if you follow that general routine than you know what to expect next and what the problem might be if bubs is crying. I found in those early days when I tried to feed on demand, he cried a LOT. I believe that it was because I was overfeeding him and not burping him well enough so he was uncomfortable. I self diagnosed silent reflux but not sure it was even really that. - definitely try to book yourself into a plunket family centre if there is one near where you are. They are a fantastic support and can give you some guidance. - do you have a coffee group or friends with babies? That can be a great support too. And lastly, allow people to help as much as possible. I wanted to do it all on my own, started to get more and more anxious and ended up with Post Natal Anxiety. It was probably a lot to do with my personality (I hate when I can't control things!) but also because I felt as you did and never let anyone help. Oh and vent here as much as you like. The ladies are FANTASTIC. And if you want/need to feel free to PM me and we can email if you like. 
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Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 3:39pm
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I haven't read what everyone else has said sorry but here is my suggestion. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 3:50pm
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Thanks guys, I'm off to the docs soon cos I just wanna get him checked out in case he has reflux or colic.
Right now he's in the front pack screaming at the top of his lungs (this is not uncommon). I fed him 2.5 hours ago. I could feed him again and often I do just to calm him down, but now I'm thinking maybe he has colic or reflux or both and maybe feeding him too much is doing more harm than good???? What do you think? He doesn't really appear hungry to me, then again who knows. He's also a very sucky baby so he always has his fingers/hands or dummy in his mouth, so it's hard to really know when he's hungry. I usually just feed 3 hourly, or when he wakes up (if he's had a semi decent sleep). He had a 320g weight gain this week too..... |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 3:59pm
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some babies need it more than three hourly - 2.5 hours is a long time for some babies to go without... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 4:04pm
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My boy fed 2 to 3 hourly at 6 weeks... don't be worried about the routine thing too much, feed him at 2 hours if he's crying ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 6:10pm
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We feed on demand here and always have, sometimes 2 hours was too long for her, especially during a growthspurt. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 6:29pm
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It won't do any harm taking him to the Dr, hopefully they can tell you one way or the other in regards to reflux or colic. Check out the website: www.cryingoverspiltmilk.co.nz.
PERSONALLY I fed 2.5 - 3hrly and not on demand, ONLY because I couldn't tell when on earth he was hungry. In fact I couldn't tell what was wrong half the time. Looking back I think I was overfeeding him, then he would get lots of wind, and then be in pain and cry lots (and not sleep!) But if you think he is hungry there is nothing wrong with feeding him, I could just never tell :-) |
Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 7:17am
| So the doc thinks he has silent refulx so has prescribed Gaviscon and Omeprazole so fingers crossed that works. He also said to try and stretch out the feeds if possible to give his tummy time to settle, so eventually go from feeding 3 hourly to 4 hourly, but he just said to try and stretch out the feeds by 10mins at a time if poss. Anyone had any luck with that? |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 9:15am
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hmmm, maybe worth trying but I've always been told to give smaller but more frequent feeds with Kiara's reflux.
Maybe try one thing first (eg the meds) to see if it works before fiddling with everything at the same time. Kiara's only doing 4 hour feeds (sometimes) now so it'd be hard for your little guy to last that long. Just a heads up though - if his oesophagus is already burnt from the stomach acid it'll take a few days of the meds before it'll settle down. It took Kiara 2-3 days and I've heard it can take longer depending upon how irritated the oesophagus is. Not sure if they gave you much info on how to give the meds? Basically though, you need to make sure you don't give the gaviscon before the losec or it'll interfere with absorption. At the start getting it all into him will be a complete PITA. BUT it's worth persisting because if it is reflux then in a few days you'll have a different baby. Hugs. Hang in there. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Speck8
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 10:06am
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Thank you!
Doc said to give the Omeprazole twice a day before feeding and to halve the capsule and put the granules on my finger and get him to suck them off. Then he said to give the Gaviscon in 15ml of water after 4 feeds a day. That sound about right? I do wonder about the diagnosis though - it must be difficult to diagnose and I am pleased for A diagnosis (rather than you've just got a very difficult baby) but yeah it's kinda like how does he really know it is silent reflux. I told him that my son had about 6 dirty nappies a day and they were always runny (ie: never any substance to them) and he says that indicated silent reflux..... Don't think I'll play around with his feeding schedule too much at the moment as I do wanna see how the meds work but feeding 4 hourly I have to admit would be LOVELY! |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 10:28am
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Little babies digest food after 1-1.5 hours so to me every 4 hours seems a long time for such a little baby.
We fed on demand, but I had a reasonably easy baby so can't really help you much! ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 10:33am
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Awesome you got some answers!
Wow 4 hourly feeding at 6 weeks! Jude fed every 2 hours (so 1.5hrs between feeds) around the clock up until he was just over five weeks and then slowly lengthened out his feeds. And every hour during growth spurts. We are only just down to 4 hourly now at ten months and even then it's sometimes less. (But more, most of the time , overnight). I thought it was normal at the time (and truthfully will still do it this time if thats what the new baby wants as well), but it's making me tired thinking about it! Perhaps it's because I'm already tired seeing as Jude decided it was get up time was 5am this morn.
Anyway what I meant to say is that it's awesome you have answers from your doctor and hopefully the meds work well - I just hope the feeding on a schedule doesn't have a detrimental affect on your milk supply. That would be my only worry. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 8:06pm
Yep, sounds right to me. The hardest bit is finding the perfect moment to give the gaviscon. Supposedly to be most effective it should be given at the end of a feed but if they're not hungry anymore then it's hard to get them to swallow it. And yes again. Hard sometimes to diagnose and my Dr pretty much said "well if she gets better on this we'll know she has reflux". If you have trouble getting the gaviscon into him - do a search for gaviscon in the threads because I know there have been lots of threads about different tricks to get the babies to take it. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |