Hubbies
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33553
Printed Date: 21 August 2025 at 11:48am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Hubbies
Posted By: anon
Subject: Hubbies
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 3:44pm
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So, I was wondering.... with Nathan being our first child and we've only been living together/married for 18mths, what others experiences are with housework etc?
My husband works 40-50hrs/wk - but has been doing some long hours not so long ago. But either way, he helps with shopping for groceries and cooks the evening meal on the days he's not at work (maybe once or twice a week). The lawns are meant to be his domain and overgrown and I have given up talking to him about it. He puts out the rubbish once a week and occasionally he hangs out his own washing but other than that the rest of the housework is all up to me including the dishes. In terms of helping with the baby, he only does something when I ask him to, eg. showers with him when he is home in the evening. He almost never dresses him and occasionally changes his nappy. Virtually never feeds him his solids. Just plays with him. What do your partners and husbands do in terms of helping - what do you expect of them? It is a big source of contention between us and I know that he is tired from work and expects to relax when he is at home, and does not recognize that I have been working too! Am I being unreasonable to expect more? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 3:55pm
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my DH works ten hr days mon-fri and is always exhausted and to be honest does nothing around the house but he does bath DS at night. Sometimes I feel super resentful esp at night when I am still doing things but to be honest some days I do bugger all and spend so much time on the net...so I think it is fair enough really. ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 3:59pm
Firstly  Its hard to keep on top of everything as well as raising a baby.
My Dh is pretty good. He works full time so I do basically all the house work. He helps me out on the weekends but I generally have to ask him to do a particular job if he hasnt done it. Which doesnt bother me too much. I cook Mon to Thurs, Friday is takeaways and Dh will usually cook Saturday and sometimes Sunday. If I cook DH does the dishes and vise versa. As for outside chores, we have a small court yard so he just maintains the garden (no lawn). Sometimes I need to remind him but he usually keeps on top of it. With Jackson, he baths him every night and changes his nappy in the mornings when he wakes and any other time he see's it needs changing. We mainly do BLW but I do have to ask him to feed him solids though if he has spoon fed food to feed him, which can be a PITA particularly if Im in the middle of cooking/serving dinner. I dont have any major expectations or rules (if you like), cos he is the main bread winner and works hard for us  ------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 4:05pm
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DH works a normal 40 hour week plus having a pager after hours which goes off during the night at varying frequencies and im at uni 12 hours a week in class and 2-4 hours at night once baby is in bed. pretty much i think our routine is pretty set. i never had to nag, these are the things he has always done. i cook most of the time, he washes the dishes every night and does used to do all the baby bottles at the same time. he changes the bags in the rubbish bins and puts the wheelie bin out once a week. he does the middle night feed (when we had a NB) puts washing away. tidies the toys in the lounge (only cos i cant reach well at the mo), cleans the shower (i do everything else in the bathroom) we both vaccuum and sweep floors, i put washing on and hang it out, he feeds the baby dinner every night. he baths the baby every 2nd night and dresses him for bed. i basically keep all the rooms tidy and do general cleaning like benches, mopping, tables, dusting etc...
thats quite bitsy and im sure ive missed out on lots from both sides but i reckon its split pretty even. i have a 12 month old and uni during the day and am pregnant, he works during the day but knows that i have been doing stuff during the day too. at the end of the day once 7pm hits the house is clean and everything is done and baby is in bed so we get all night to do what we want anyway - he normaly plays or creates computer games, i study or have an early night or we hang out 2getha ------------- 
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Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 4:15pm
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ok well here is my thoughts. My DH works long hours. But at the end of the day he is a father. With his latest contract he doesn't get home until 7.30pm (leaves 7 am) so he puts the kids to bed and reads them a story each. Otherwise he would never see them. During the weekend he takes the kids places etc like soccer or to the park. He is a very handson dad when he has the chance. The last month has been a learning curve for me as he did a lot before this last contract. Also he does the lawns and pretty much keeps the outside of the house ticking along. Sometimes the dishes find their way into the dishwasher without my help. The only thing I really ask of him is to pick his clothes up and to take his plate over. If he leaves it then the joke is the fairy has been in action again.
My thoughts as a mum is we don't get to have the 9-5 thing. We are 24hrs a day 7 days a week. No sick leave or annual leave. Make time for yourself. I have friday night drinks with the other mums on the street and dads watch the kids. Its just a couple of hours but it is enough to recharge my batteries. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 4:17pm
| DH is expected to help.. but in the early days especially I think he found it hard to grasp the fact that staying at home isn't a walk in the park and you have to work all day as well. The best thing I did was bugger off for a day and leave him to it and come home and see what he had and hadn't done and then talk to him about sharing more work at home. |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 6:54pm
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I totally understand where you are coming from! Mine is similar to yours, aaaargh.
Sorry Im not much help or can't give you any good adivce but I sure do feel for you ------------- 
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 6:54pm
Couldn't agree more. The first year of Hannah's life was a total struggle when it came to household stuff. In the back of my mind I knew DH worked really hard to make sure I could stay home, but I was the one up and down like a yo-yo day and night, looking after baby, doing housework, washing etc. But once Hannah started sleeping through the night consistently things began to settle into a good routine of their own accord. DH and I both love to cook, so we often argue over who's cooking (haha FML, right?). He looks after the gardens, I look after the inside. Whoever doesn't cook does dishes. DH bathes Hannah every night, but I do it from time to time since I enjoy doing it and don't want to miss out too much. However, I do ALL of Hannah's meals and am the one to make sure her teeth are brushed and usually am the one to put her to bed and get up to her on the rare occasion she wakes in the night. I admit I expected a lot more from DH at the start, and spent WAY too much energy resenting him for his 8-4:30 days. But it just seemed to fall into place of it's own accord one day. I'm sure we'll start the struggle all over again come August 
*edited to fix quote ------------- 
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kebakat wrote:Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 8:09pm
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DH works long hours, sometimes 12 hours a day up to 6-7 days a week so is tired when he gets home. He doesnt do a huge amount in terms of housework but does the lawns (not often!) and always baths DS and puts him to bed in the evening.
Sometimes I get annoyed with him not doing anything round the house, but he is working hard to support us. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 8:49pm
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Dh works longish hours, he does all the outside stuff lawns/gardens etc. He puts the rubbish out once a week too. He also cleans up after dinner during the week and will cook one weekend meal.
He is really awesome at playing with the kids and keeping dd entertained. I do the house stuff washing/cleaning/cooking etc and most of the kids stuff/dressing/bathing/feeding. DH puts DD to bed at night as well. We have a pretty good system going as we don't get child/housework help from anyone else. |
Posted By: Nikki
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 10:01pm
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I don't think you're asking too much. DH and I battle at times - but because he thinks I don't do enough as often as the other way around! Things have changed a little with me being off work, back to work, off again and recently going back part time, and depending on how many hours dh is working (builder, so pretty cruisy hours normally) .... but this is basically what we do:
DH does the gardens / rubbish / cars etc. He vacuums and mops. We share the dishes but I have been doing alot more while off work. He (or my mum!) cleans the oven / fridge. I do the bathrooms, washing, tidying, dusting, pay bills. DH will do the odd load of washing if he needs work clothes and sometimes help me fold it if I have a huge pile! Before Morgan dh cooked most of the time as I did Jakes bath and put him to bed (and we both worked). Since Morgan I've done more of the cooking, and I bath the kids and put her in bed, dh usually puts Jake in bed. I do far more of the childcare (feeding, getting dressed, naps, bathing, getting Jakes daycare bag ready etc) but dh takes Jake to soccer on sat and they go out at least once most weeks. He also has been looking after Morgan a few days before she starts daycare, while I work. So overall, I think its pretty fair. I expect alot when I'm working ..... but even when I'm not, I think my main job at home is to look after the kids and he still lives here so can help with chores too! I guess if he worked long hours I may expect less. ------------- DS (5yrs) and DD (3yrs) |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 11:36pm
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My DH leaves the house at 7.45am and gets home from work about 8pm on a good night. It was TOUGH going in the early months with DS as often he would get home from a 12-14hr day in the office (in a pretty high stress job too) to me in pieces and C not settled.
Eventually we settled into a bit of a routine, I've always done the cooking and prior to DS I did most of the housework too as I wasn't working full time. After DS arrived we just did the chores as we could, DH was pretty good at doing what needed to be done, specially the big jobs (dishes, cooking he wasn't really interested but he did all the laundry on the weekends and cleaned the bathrooms!). He is very hands on with DS when he's around. Gets up with C in the mornings and changes him, has breakfast with him. This is their main time together during the week as it's very rare that DH is home before C goes to bed. Night wake ups we tend to take turns but DH has been doing more than his fair share lately as I've been suffering with MS. He's great! But there are still times we get pi$$y with each other, if we have different expectations about who's doing what. I think I expect him to *know* when I need help but am starting to learn (at long last) that life is much easier, and happier, if I just tell him. And say thanks when I get the help too. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 22 May 2010 at 9:48am
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Hi newlywed, I will be in a similar situation to you soon.
DH and I will have been married for 2 years when our baby comes in Dec. he issues you have described have been with us since we moved in together before we got married. My DH usually doesn't cook, but he does do the dishes every night. He takes out the rubbish and recycling and puts the bins out when it's the right day. He vaccums on the weekend but while I would prefer this to be done on Saturday morning when I do the cleaning, he always waits until like Sunday night at the last minute and heaven forbid I should nag him about it lol. Sometimes he'll do other jobs if asked but resentfully. So I do the washing, cleaning bathroom, toilet etc change the beds, dusting, cooking, tidying up the kitchen etc etc I write the shopping list and pay all the bills, etc. And I think when baby comes Ill have to do it all bar the dishes and rubbish. DH doesn't mean to be lazy but his Mum never made him do anything at home so when we moved in together he had to be taught so many things lol if I have a son Im going to make sure I train him up to know how to do housework so his poor wife doesn't have to teach him hehe. I do think though when In at home with baby that it'll be fair for me to do most of the housework as DH will be working to support us and that is a big emotional stress to be responsible for everything financially. But thats not to say I wont get annoyed about having to do everything, I know that I will, I always do hehe. We'll just have to find a way that works for us ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 22 May 2010 at 10:44am
| they did a study in some newsppaer just recently asking men and women about who does the most housework and what percentage of the housework they did. woman believed they did 80% of the hosuework, with their husbands (obviously) doing 20%. the SAME husbands believed they were doing about 40%...So while YOU may think your husband doesn't do a lot. he probably thinks he does. Break the truth to him gently. |
Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 22 May 2010 at 1:36pm
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Makes me very grateful to have the DH i do :D i guess im the other way round and dont realise quite how much he does complared to others. now i need to think of something nice i can do for him. -------------
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Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 22 May 2010 at 2:15pm
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10yrs of training and my DH is pretty darn good...........he has relapses but they dont last long (after i have a hissy) LOL
The tricks i have found..........give them a set job that they know is theres every day/night. IE make bathing the baby their time with the baby. Its only fair so you can have a wee break (or more likely run around getting other stuff done) I hate having to ask my DH to do things i think he should just SEE it needs doing, but after many years, its much easier to just ask instead of having that internal argument with yourself and getting wound up and snappin at them. Ive found that quite often the case is, they arent quite sure WHAT to do and altho very obvious to us, meh not quite as obvious to them..... My DHs daily job for me that is non negotiable is he has to make DS6yrs lunch every morning. At first he wasnt quite sure but after a short while he is really good and creative and healthy with what he packs. makes him part of the daily process too and he also has an input into the shopping cos he knows whats needed for lunches. This means im not having to juggle two kids in the morning and making lunches too. So what im getting at Newlywed, find a job that he can do that will help you out lots, bathing is a good one cos it does free you up to get a few bits n peices done. Also maybe talk to him about both working together to get the evening routine stuff done so it gets done quicker but DONT generalise........be specific on what you want help with. When things have been particularly tough and you are behind, write a list of things that need doing and ask if he is able to do a couple of things off that list to help you catch up.........that way he can choose the things he feels more confident doing. i mean sometimes men cant win cos they try and help and then its not up to our standards. so they give up. Like this morning i told DH i would hang out washing cos i had to fit 3 loads out and need to put them a certain way cos the line gets shade half way through the day so theres a system which is easier for me to just do instead of telling him my system...... I hope some of that helps you and its not just boring ramble to you..........but i can safely say that your not alone and well for me it took YEARS!! and it takes some(most) men quite a while to work out this baby, housework stuff. |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 24 May 2010 at 12:37pm
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I believe that as a (mostly) SAHM I am responsible for ALL internal housework. I cook, clean, grocery shop, dishes, etc. I also put out the rubbish and do general outside tidying. I also look after our business office, but only work one full day a week. DH is responsible for bringing money into the household and all manual outside tasks such as cleaning gutters, mowing lawns, fixing fencing etc. As we live on acreage, the outside tasks are quite alot. DH plays with DD when he's at home and will happily do the bedtime routine with her if that's what she wants. I find that between looking after our Daughter and the business accounts there is plenty of time to do the rest of my chores. Our house is not big however. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: xLUCKYx
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 9:28am
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Mine does zilch.
He works from 6am until 7-8pm every day so I don't really expect him to do anything but if I ask him to do something I expect it done. His Mum comes over a few times a week though and helps me out which is awesome. He helps on the weekends though and is in charge of the lawns etc - which are currently long overdue!! Oh and he does the bins. I also prefer DF to play with the kids in the weekend than spend too much time tidying up. |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 9:37am
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My DH sounds very similar to yours Newlywed. He doesn't do anything around the home. He will occassionally cook dinner, but with the amount of dishes and mess that comes with that I'd rather just do it myself. I do all the other household chores and look after Cooper too, I can count on one hand how many nappy changes he's done and i think he's bathed him once. I blame his mother. His Dad is pretty much the same, although he does typical "man" jobs - rubbish and lawns. (they are still my jobs in our house). I hate it and wish he would do more, but no matter how much nagging and fighting over it it just doesn't happen. I just hope to raise Cooper differently -------------  
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 9:46am
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DH works about 40 hrs a week (sometimes less if the eather is crap), and I work around 20ish hours a week and try to study. He will empty the dishwasher at night (I pack through the day), do some washing on the weekend if it needs to be done (while I'm at work), he is supposed to do the lawns/spraying etc which is rarely done, and he puts the rubbish bag out into the bin each night and takes the bin out on rubbish day. I seem to do everything else!! He does help me change the bed, because it's faster, and he doesn't have an option with bathing the girls!! When I'm at work, he looks after the girls with his parents or Grandma, so does the normal stuff that is needed then...although he will always ask me what food to take, whether there's enough clothes in the bag etc.
I should say...we had been married for 5 months when the girls were born, and together for just under 2 years. ETA: He does cook dinner - which peeves me off because if I start to cook something, he always takes over, and then complains that I don't cook... And I also blame his mum, because she did, and still does, everything for him. She will even still do his washing for him if he asks (and if he has something else he wants to do, such as work on his race car, he WILL ask!!!), and she cooks tea for him if I'm working till 8pm, which is often. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 10:24am
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We've already had this conversation and the baby isn't born yet - as Dh works all day and wants to be able to come home and relax - also Dh is going to be away a bit over the next 3 years as he's being assigned to the Navy. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 2:13pm
Ill happily trade 
My DP does nothing. He works 7:30am - 4 pm and its a really relaxed job (i went to work with him a couple Saturdays). All he does is sit at his dest on the net all day waiting for someone to call and tell him he wants to buy such-in-such product and puts it through the computer. Hes gets maybe 1 call an hour. When he gets home he expects to relax and for me to continue to do everything (all the washing, vacuuming, mopping, sweeping, dusting, dishes, dinner, looking after DD etc etc) He also doesn't bother with his daughter. I have to ask him to hold/talk to her for 5mins and he sometimes says no! All i ask him to do is mow the lawns when they need doing, wash the dishers every night and cook tea every other night. He does the dishers maybe twice a week with me asking and asking, mows the lawns after my dad gets sh*tty with him (hes out landlord) etc. I also have to pay half the bills with my tiny winz income so i cant tell myself thats its okay since he brings home the money (he spends his money on himself leaving me the tiny bit im left to buy for DD) *sigh* Anyone up for a trade? 
ETA: he also goes out drinking 2 out of 7 nights, often not telling me where he is if he doesn't bother coming home and last weekend he decided to drink drive/speed do now we are going to get a ticket 
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 3:26pm
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We live at my parents so abit different. We have however lived together for 6+years and we generally do abit of everything each of us. Both of us worked fulltime until last year but we've always been abit different as we've both worked hospitality.
Now we do dinner ourselves and normally he comes home around the time its dinner time for DD so I ask him to do that. I quite often give him an option of cooking dinner or bathing baby he normally cooks (wonder why as bathing DD is only a 10min job lol) If I went to work and he was home I would ask him to chuck a load of washing on, do dishes etc. If I ask him he normally does it. Although in saying that it took him a couple of months to clean the microwave and I couldn't do it as it was ontop of the fridge and too high for me. He did have a go at me about our old house not being tidy but we lived in a one brm with no clothesline and there was basically the equivalent of a 2brm worth of furniture in it. We had a spare bed that I tried to keep tidy and he would come home and dump all his sh*t on it along with the dining table. So I am going to be hard and find a place for everything in our new place so he can't dump things everywhere! We got rid of the coffee tables because he dumped stuff everywhere ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 5:58pm
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You should point this out to your husband also:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/3211509/Men-who-share-the-load-get-more-sex - Men who share the load get more sex |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 6:56pm
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Excellent, thanks Pepsi. I've opened it and will leave it there for DH to have a read, I wonder if it will sink in -------------
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 25 May 2010 at 10:22pm
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well when Amelia was born (10months ago) i was a solo mum as Amelias dad walked out when i was prego ( another story) anyway it was just me who did everything because it was only me, it was hard, and not only hard because i did everything myself but to be honest the hardest thing i found was how lonely i was, never having anything to look forward to at the end of the day (like having someone to come home to) and not being able to share all the cool, and not so cool things Amelia had done that day , then when Amelia was 4 months old i met my partner and we became pretty close pretty fast, now after 6months of being together he stays most nights and is a huge help, he works 40-50hrs a week and from next week on i will be working 20 hrs a week so he will look after Amelia in the eveinings i work (till 8pm) , its so nice to look forward to seeing him at the end of the day . He helps me with housework etc when he can , and he will always do something when i ask. im very lucky really , going from having no help what so ever to having someone who cooks, cleans, baths baby plays with baby, and even the simple things like having someone there while i can take a shower alone,. Its made the hugest difference to my mental state of mind . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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