BFing - no bonding connection...
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Topic: BFing - no bonding connection...
Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Subject: BFing - no bonding connection...
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 11:26am
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firstly.... im sorry this is such a long post....
gave birth via CS for a footling breech baby. everything went fine and i got my first BF/skin-to-skin within 15 mins of the birth. because of the surgery however i was not able to sit/stand until the next day (ended up being just under 24 hours before i was allowed to sit/stand) and because of this, i had to BF lying down.... which is hard enough when you know what you are doing, let alone a first time mum and BFer. and because i had no idea what i was doing, it resulted in some very bad latches, so bad in fact that i ended up with hickey-like blood blisters around my nipple where he had latched incorrectly. but i didnt know tht what i was doing was wrong, so the nurses and MWs would come past, see i was feeding, and leave... and i didnt ask because i associated pain and cracking etc with having a baby feed off them, and that my boobs were just getting used to it.... so by day 3 i was a an absolute wreck and couldnt feed him properly because of the pain, i would be crying so hard i wouldnt even be able to see my hand in front of my face and i would by shuddering from the intense pain. i had to get a nurse/MW to help with every feed because i would need them to latch him for me while i dug my nails into anything i could find. on day 6 when i went to go home from the hospital, they finally suggested nipple sheilds (which i had no idea about) and they seemed to work for a couple of feeds. by day 10 he had lost almost 12% of his bodyweight, and was too weak to stimulate my supply properly. so MW suggested bottle feeding EBM and topping up with formula (she is a formula-as-a-last-resort type MW) until he was back to birth weight... which took me a while to get my head around because i felt like such a failure that i couldnt even feed my own baby... but we did it, and all those failure thoughts i had disappeared (sp?) when i saw that he was gaining weight. was at that point that i realised that as long as he is feeding and growing, it doesnt matter how he gets it, its the love you give them thats worth more... so did that for 2 weeks, he was over birth weight and even managed to get him back on the boob pain free with good latches... but now i dont feel a connection when BFing... we had so many problems with feeding, that i know its a big thing to be able to now be able to BF him... and im grateful that i can... and its not that i dont like it, i dont hate it either... but I just dont feel a bond when i feed him.... its like he doesnt either... when i BF him, neither of us will look at the other, he will just be looking straight ahead and i will be watching tv or on the comp or anything except looking at him... but when i bottle feed him EBM or formula, we just sit and stare at each other and i have a much better bonding experience with him. im not anxious when i put hm on anymore, im not worried about it hurting, not worried about latch or anything, but i just dint enjoy it like i thought i would.... i really wanted to BF, but im just not "feeling" it IYGWIM.... i have a history of depression and i dont want the not-bonding feeling to turn into PND... which is where i was headed on day 6... i had actually made the decision to formula feed at that stage... and then i was offered nipple sheilds... so it kinda feels like i have to make the decision again but now its harder because i know that he can be BF pain free... but im just so much happier when i bottle feed him, because he seems to prefer it... and he doesnt like feeding off my left boob in any position... my mum formula fed me and my 2 brothers because when she had me, she BF me for about a week, and hated it, then when she had my 1st bother, she tried nipple sheilds and he basically turned her entire nipple into a blood blister, so she formula fed, then with my youngest bro she didnt even try... i really want to be able to happily BF our next baby, and i feel like i wont be able to if i keep going with the absence of a bonding connection with R. so my qs is/are... has/is anyone else experienc(ed/ing) this? is it normal? should i just keep BFing since its better for him and ignore the not bonding thing since we bond in so many other ways? |
Replies:
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 11:48am
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I dont recall really looking at Elias when he was feeding, mostly I was one handed typing on the computer or expressing, so I never associated it as a "bonding experience"
With Issy I used to stare at her .. but I used to stare at her 24/7 because I was amazed .. I suppose by the time number two comes along you just dont have time to stare in amazement. I personally didnt  breastfeeding .. but I 'd it more than forking out money for formula (and the associated hassle that comes with formula feeding) .. but as long as your baby gets fed, it doesnt really matter where the milk comes from.
(Also I knew I was returning to work at six months and at that stage my kids would switch to formula anyway .. so I just saw it as a good kickstart for them, a means to an end I suppose you could say) ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 11:49am
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GBH hun remember a happy mum makes a happy baby first and foremost. I'm in the I'm bfing because its free camp, don't love it don't hate it. I know its best for DD but if she had to be ff then I would as she would still be growing.
As you said in your post as long as he getting what he needs it doesn't matter how. Maybe try sticking it out to 3months and see how you go? You may get a bonding sensation then? I don't think I particularly bond with DD when she's feeding, there have been the odd times that we have been feeding in bed and her hands been up near my face and I've played with her hand which is cute but aside from that I have mostly been on the computer or watching tv. I can't remember but I don't think I was one of those mums who ever really sat there and looked into baby's eyes etc when bfing. DD has EBM and has from an early age every nowand then and I don't even think I sat there looking at her then. Do what you feels is best for YOU just because ffing isn't considered best for baby because its not breast doesn't mean anything whats best for baby is a being healthy and happy and having a happy mum and family and being loved. Which you do love DS because you have written this post. Oh on the birth weight thing DD lost 20% of her birthweight then went on a feeding frenzy overnight and gained it all back and ended up gaining 300gm at least every week after that until about 6weeks now she is 9months and still the size of a 6mth oldnot looking forward to her next plunket check where they'll probably tell me off for not feeding her baha she eats all day nonstop. So don't worry too much about it some are naturally smaller. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 11:53am
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I have found the same with my boy. He never looks at me & I've never had those warm fuzzy feelings feeding him, he treats me like a cafe really. On the other hand my daughter looked at me & we really bonded, maybe cause she feed longer. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 12:00pm
LOL - a cafe' thats cute .. I always felt like a cow.  ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 12:02pm
lol at the cafe comment. agree with you lilfatty... when i pumped i felt like i dairy cow 
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Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 12:09pm
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Oh hun, don't beat yourself up. Like the others have said, if switching to formula full time makes you happier, do it. You have to do what is best for YOU and your baby.
I haven't really had an emotional connection with DS when feeding him either. . Some days I love it and some days I hate it. I had a similar start to you with the BF in hospital and ended up seeing a lactation consultant for a while to get us sorted and to stop the formula top ups and even now we have days where things are rather difficult and stressful with the feeding.
Good luck with whatever decision you make. Its something that only you can decide. -------------  
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Posted By: mrsturtle
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 1:08pm
 I cant remember what i have already told you about our bf experiances with Emily. She quite simply would not feed so ended up being fully formula fed by 5 weeks. I felt terrible and like i had failed but she is a reasonably happy and healthy baby so would now not have changed swapping for anything, for me personaly the pain and hatred i developed for bfing ment the failure feeling was easier to overcome (if that makes any sense) Give me a text or call if you want to catch up for a coffee.
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 1:48pm
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sitck to boobs - its way cheaper and less fuss... and its a myth that whole staring lovingly into your face and vice versa while you are feeding. the bonding comes with the skin to skin and as you said you bond other ways. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 2:20pm
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I have the whole staring lovingly into the face and vice versa with Jamie when I'm feeding him. I have an incredible bond with him and once past the sore bit at the start I began to enjoy it more.
Sam however. Wouldn't latch, screamed no matter what I did, was losing weight, never really felt any sort of bond with him while trying to breastfeed other than pain, anxiety, stress and agitation. Sam was a kneeling breech, and I had a c-section so know exactly what you mean about trying to feed your baby in hospital with alsorts of people and nurses and midwives all around you. I put Sam onto formua fulltime at three weeks old. Never looked back. Yes, it is cheaper and yes it is less fuss, but I didn't know any different at the time as I felt anything but breastfeeding would be easier. I was young, had no idea what was going on and I did not have the emotional or physical strength at that time to get through to the easy side of breastfeeding without having a complete and utter nervours breakdown. Now that I have a fully breastfed baby, I do realise how cheap, easy and convenient it is and I wouldn't have it any other way. Jamie refuses all bottles and violently powerchucks formula everywhere even after a tiny amount so after trying to top him up twice now, I've just given up and breastfeeding has become a hell of a lot less stressful than trying to get a bottle into him. The bonding definitely comes in other ways though like Bizzy said, skin to skin, playing with them, cuddling them, bathing them and just watching them grow. A chilled out less stressed mum usually makes for a chilled out happier baby so you do what works for you. You're nearly at that 6 week mark now and you might find that the fog starts to lift and you feel a bit better. Good on you for persevering though, if you can get to 6 weeks, then you can make it to 3 months and if you can do that, then it should get a lot easier after that. I didn't know I would be able to breastfeed my second baby, I bought formula and bottles all ready for him when he arrived, and I never needed them, so all babies are different and you might the next one easier. Good luck, I hope you are feeling better soon. Do what works for you!! I would try to stick out the breastfeeding for a bit longer, and then re-evaluate in another week/month. Big hugs! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 2:36pm
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I know almost exactly that feeling!
I havent read the responses but with us Daniel didnt wanna feed in the beginning as he was full of mucus so I hand expressed. I hated the experience int he beginning. The actual breast feeding got easier but I still didnt enjoy it. I expressed so that Dh could feed at least one feed at night, and I tried the bottle too and it made me soooo much more relaxed. I ended up ditching breast feeding at 3 months and my god what a happier person I was for not having to do it anymore. Just do what you think will work best for you and your family. Stuff everyone else! |
Posted By: julzw
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 3:25pm
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I never really took to breastfeeding either, there was no real 'bonding' experience as such, I just did it because I thought it was best for the baby.
I had terrible cracking, so bad that I still have scars on my nipples from it 2.5 years later! I used nipple shields right up to stopping BFing at 9.5 months. Don't stress, there are plenty of other ways to bond with your baby, including cuddles, reading stories, playing with them and generally just being there. I agree with the comment - happy Mum, happy baby for sure!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 3:56pm
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I felt like a milking station.
I found it hard at first as I had cracked bleeding nipples, I used to have tears down my face while feeding her and my milk didn't come through til almost 3weeks after she was born so I was always expressing one side while feeding off the other. I almost gave up, but I did find it easier than preparing bottles for her (and cheaper of course), especially during early hours of morning. I guess I did bond with her through feeding as she used to cross her fingers whle feeding, was so cute. You have to do whats best for you also, at least you are trying, I felt like a failure as I had no milk to feed my baby but my partner was excellent with my down moments and kept reminding me how well I was doing, what a great mum I am so I didn't give up, and after a few months, it was fine and we were away, she put on heaps of weight and is happy and content ------------- 
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Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 4:17pm
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I think with the overall push to breastfeed in NZ we hear all the great bonding lovely stories that some women experience. I breastfed all three of my kids (2 for 12 months 1 for 6 months) and although it was convenient and the best source of nutrition for my kids I did not get a bonding connection from breastfeeding. It hurt at first and took a good few weeks to get the hang of. The uncertainty alone on whether you are doing it right can be quite daunting. I didn't get the lovely soft fuzzy edges you see in the mags etc of a mother feeding her baby. My bonding moments were looking in the cot seeing that peaceful being sleep and watching those first chuckles in the bath etc. Just lying on the ground and gazing at this marvel was more of a bonding experience for me. In life as adults do we bond with people over food. More often it is by sharing time and company. Breastfeeding is great in that it gives you that time with your baby but there are plenty of other things that allow for bonding.
One thing I have learnt from raising 3 babies is that we have a lot of pre-conceived notions of what will happen once we have kidlets. Whether it be the birthplan, what we are going to acheive after the baby arrives in our personal lives, BF over FF and how we will parent. Once you have had baby you soon realise that these plans and dreams sometimes don't work out as our lovely babies have their own ideas on how things should be done. My oldest is 13 and she still throws a curveball every now and then. You are doing a great job. Breastfeeding is a natural action but it doesn't mean it is easy. Everything will settle into place and work out for you. Take some time out for yourself and enjoy your baby. |
Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 4:20pm
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I just felt like a dairy cow both times. A little bit less with Ollie because I didn't need to express non-stop like with Chloe.
I hated BF Chloe and was relieved when I finally stopped at 3 and a half months, even though I am very pro-breastfeeding. I didn't love or hate feeding Ollie... the start was tough, then it got easier, but it was still a "chore", just an easier chore than sterilising bottles and preparing formula and spending money I didn't really start bonding with Ollie while feeding until he was about 3 months old, when he would start staring up at me and grinning with his eyes, and I loved the cuddles etc. Before that BF was simply a convenience for me.
There are HUGE health benefits for breastfeeding your baby though. You should talk to your MW about how you are feeling, and get her advice to consider. You will need advice about how to wean the baby off the breast (for your health) before you stop BF anyway, no matter when you do it. See you tomorrow hun, looking forward to it 
ETA: Well said in the post above mine! ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 5:10pm
 Dont beat yourself up - at the end of the day you will do what is right for BOTH of you. A happy mummy = a happy baby. Trust me on this one. We (and it was a joint decision between me & DH) decided to give up on the b/f after 5 weeks of struggling and at the advise from our paedatrician given the amount of weight he was losing and how dehydrated he was becoming. I regret not getting more help, but ultimatley I know I did the right thing for my child. The real bonding came for me when DH went back to work and it was just the two of us....but the other fantastic thing about him being formula fed (dont shoot me....) was that he developed an amazing bond with DH as he was able to do a lot of the feeds - including taking turns for the night feeds. My boy and his Daddy have an incredible bond, and although I am sure lots of little boys do...I cant help but think his involvement in the early feeding might have helped. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 5:35pm
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With both my kids I never had that instant love for Breastfeeding ect. There was some difficult times and with McKayla I literally almost gave up that first day as nurses kept on me and push and prod her and me (in South Africa) . Luckily hubby chase them out and calmed me down and it was just plain sailing from there for us.
With Andrew I expected it to be easier but it wasnt. It was a lot harder work to latch him on ect. For me that supposed feeling of love for feeding your kids come later. Almost when you are basically done and you look back thinking. Aaah I did that for my kiddies. Or now and then when they are feeding and you try not to actually do anything else and you just look at them and see how contend they are ect. As for losing weight in the beginning. In South Africa this is totally normal. Up to 15% is totally normal and doesnt get an eye blink. It usually takes up to 2 weeks to get back to birthweight and some take a bit longer and you just breastfeed more. Not the first time I notice in NZ that it seems not to be the "norm" Wonder what is considered okay to lose ect. (sorry not as much directed at you here. And for me as much as I am an extended breastfeeder and truly believe drop of breastmilk is better than a drop of formula it is so so much more important to have a happy mother and child. So if you are okay with Breastfeeding why not make a pack with yourself. Do it for a certain period. Whether it is 6 weeks, 3 months 6 months or a year and then when you get to that point ask yourself if you are still okay with it or not. And financially well it is cheaper to breastfeed and perhaps put the money aside that you would have used on formula and spent that money on yourself. Just for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: DJ
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 8:23pm
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I haven't got much new to add, just that it can take some time to feel bonded to your baby - it is such a major upheaval in your life. I breastfeed, but I don't enjoy it and have never felt lovey dovey about it and it didn't help with bonding at all - for me bonding came later when DD1 started to be more enjoyable (in all honesty not until she was about 7mths old).
Hang in there
OT - but also to see there are plenty of others out there who bf but aren't big fans (and only do it 'cos it's free!) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 1:47pm
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Bfing is an excuse to sit down and read a good book for me. I'm on my third bout of thrush in my nipples which is agonisingly painful and I'm not keen on continuing with bfing but since Tyler totally refuses the bottle and nothing we've tried has persuaded him its ok I'm kinda stuck. I don't pay him much attention when I'm feeding and he doesn't look at me either but we bond in other ways so I'm ok with that. -------------   
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Posted By: myonlineself
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 5:22pm
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I hated it at first cause it hurt, and I'd dread each feed, and it was exhausting feeding all the time, but so many people had said to me, don't give up before 6 weeks, get to 6 weeks and then decide. So I always had that in my head, once I got to 6 weeks it wasn't so bad, and from about 8 weeks on, there was no looking back. Its so easy now and I love it. I do enjoy it, but I also watch TV or read these forums while feeding ;-)
Personally I'd keep going for a bit longer, but no one can really make that decision for you... ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 7:42pm
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Have you ever heard of exclusively expressing? If you hate the actual baby on boob part but still want to give him breast milk, maybe you could discuss that as an option with your midwife.
Exclusively expressing is basically when you pump all of baby's feeds and give him EBM. No breast feeding, but still breast milk. It's win win ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 10:54pm
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Sorry haven't read all the replies, but thought I'd just say - we stopped expressing (couldn't latch, so was just expressing) after 3 weeks due to terrible pain (have since had boobs fixed lol) and resentment towards baby.
If it's a no-bonding thing - don't worry about it, you don't have to be all lovey dovey over BF. While it's great if you can and want to, there are other alternatives if you are starting to feel resentful, depressed or if you are like I was, and let your baby scream because the simple thought of your baby feeding off you terrified you, then it's time to stop. Just m2c. You need to weigh up all the pros and cons, not just nutritional factors. Good luck, I honestly know where you're coming from and it's not a nice place |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 11:35pm
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I'm in the don't love it, but don't hate it camp.
I used to get a yuck feeling when I was breastfeeding for some reason, no idea how to describe it but almost like a depressed/don't-like-myself/ashamed/guilty feeling (not really an accurate description but don't know how else to describe it). I have no idea why! People say they love breastfeeding and it gives them a warm fuzzy feeling - not me. As soon as I would stop breastfeeding, the feeling would go away. I also didn't like eating while breastfeeding or reading a book [felt "wrong" or yuck). Didn't mind zoning out and watching TV that didn't matter though. Thankfully, I don't get that feeling anymore and breastfeeding is fine. Can't say I LOVE it though. I do it just because. Don't worry about it not being a bonding experience. My bonding experience is when Jude comes at me making a noise like a pterodactyl and tries to eat my face off.
Agreed Obviously you are having a really good think about it and are not taking the decision lightly. You aren't throwing in the towel after not giving it a good go. Go for what is right for you and your bubs - try not to feel guilty about it! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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emz wrote:Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 9:13am
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I found I did enjoy breastfeeding after a while but it did take a while and your bub is only a month old so I would personally give it more time and focus on bonding in other ways. Even though it feels like your bub isn't bonding he most likely is by the skin to skin breastfeeding achieves.
Also perhaps you could actively try to increase your bonding with him by looking at him and stroking him and breastfeeding with minimal clothes between you so you get a real skin to skin closeness. In the end you have to do what your happy with 
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Posted By: MyLilSquishy
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 12:15pm
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thanks for all your input ladies just had my MW discharge visit... talked to her about the BFing thing and she agrees with me going to bottle. she said that she noticed at our last visit that when he cried for a feed i got a fleeting look on my face like it was the last thing i wanted to do. and she knows that i want to BF the next bubba, knows about my previous depression and agrees with having already made the decision to bottle feed back on day 6, that its like im just putting it off. so im going to keep expressing (hand pump) and just let my supply drop naturally (since it wont be properly stimulated by Riley feeding) and she gave me some tips. so im in a much better head space today and have my fingers crossed that next bubs will be different and that i will be able to BF them.
and a big thanks for not judging me (or at least not potsing your judgements lol) |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 4:13pm
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It sounded like you had the bonding moment feeding him via bottle, you have to do whats best for you and bubs. someone said happy mum + happy baby, so true! He looks like a strong wee boy looking at your siggy pic, holding himself up already, very clever & so very cute!! -------------
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 5:17pm
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Glad you have made decision you are comfortable with hun! Good for you -------------   
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 5:24pm
This is the EXACT feeling I get. Can't put a name to it or explain it, but this is it. It blurs the line between physical feeling and emotional feeling and it's just in the pit of my stomach. Not that breastfeeding is sexual, but occasionally I get the same feeling after or during sex. It's really strange. I don't get it everytime I breastfeed though, just some of the time. I once looked it up, but I really didn't like what I read, and it didn't apply to me at all. |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 6:29pm
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The weird thing was that I have had no trouble breastfeeding at all. Minimal cracks, no trouble with supply etc. So really there was no reason for me to be feeling the way I was. i never thought to search it - mostly because it was gone as soon as I stopped breastfeeding. I've just searched it now and it looks as though it may have been http://www.d-mer.org/Specifics_of_D-MER.html - D-MER ? Don't like to self-diagnose on the internet but I think that is a pretty accurate description of how I was feeling - although i can't remember if I felt it the whole time I was feeding or just before let-down.. Luckily it must have only been a mild case as I don't get it anymore.
I've never heard of it before. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 10:23pm
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Thanks for that link. That's exactly what it is. I still get it occasionally, but not everytime now.
I wonder if others suffer from this? I might post another thread. |
Posted By: HippyMama
Date Posted: 24 April 2010 at 10:01am
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mamanee - look up the Breastfeeding NZ group on Facebook, and in their Discussions section there is a topic on D-MER. ------------- Mama to two earth walkers & two angels. Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !! |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 24 April 2010 at 10:52am
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HippyMama I can't seem to find it. I must be looking at the wrong page, is the topic called D-MER?
ETA have found it. Thanks :D |