Soppy, but true...is it normal....
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32815
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Topic: Soppy, but true...is it normal....
Posted By: Emmecat
Subject: Soppy, but true...is it normal....
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 7:34am
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...to worry that you won't love the 2nd baby as much as you love your first? Following on from a previous thread about seeing you baby for the first time, it got me thinking. My love for my baby is so HUGE and all encompassing...every day it grows bigger and I love her more than i thought possible! Now we're pg again, I am having worries about having enough love to go around.....DF thinks I"m crazy and says of course I will but at night time when I'm holding Clodagh for a milky cuddle and she's got her little curly head burrowed in my shoulder and I get that overwhelming feeling of love for her. Don't get me wrong- we're thrilled to be pg Any other stories welcome. Please tell me I'm not the only one who's felt like this before! -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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.....I worry what having a second baby will do to our bond IYKWIM? 
Replies:
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 7:53am
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Loving two
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply. I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 7:58am
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*sob* stupid pregnancy hormones..... That is lovely Bizzy- thank you ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: melopop
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:26am
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O.k...dripping tears all over my laptop.
That was beautiful!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:32am
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I can tell you Karen that when that baby arrives you are going to wonder how you ever felt like you would never love them enough.
I have to admit that i had different emotions with each pregnancy and birth but the love i have for both my child is equal and both dh and I went through the same thing, wondering if we would be able to love another one the same. The answer is yes yes yes. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:43am
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Yup, absolutely normal!
But like the others have said, not something you need to worry about either. Your heart just grows to make room for the love for your new baby and you'll find that you love your oldest even more too. **Darn you Deb  **------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:56am
That was such a beautiful story  -------------  
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 9:02am
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ooops should have prepared the buckets for all those tears, sorry guys. It was my fave when i was pregnant with toby and had all the same fears and worries! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Kellyfer
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 9:19am
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I have no experience as I am only now pregnant with my 1st... but I love him intensely already and can't imagine how that love can get bigger, let alone how I would share it with siblings later on!!!
My mother, however, has 4 children. I was adopted, a much-wanted child after she had 10 m/c. 2 years later my mum had a successful pregnancy resulting in my brother, and then 5 years later again, another (surprise) brother. We now also have a foster sister who is a year older than my youngest brother. Mum has always said that even though we all came to her in different ways she has the same amount of love for us all, and that it's not something you can understand until it hits you in the face, so to speak. I'm sure she still to this day even has love for those babies she lost. All sorts of different feelings float around when you're preg... stupid hormones. You have ecstatic days, and emo days, and "wtf have i got myself into" days. Don't worry that you won't love your baby enough, coz you most definitely will!! The bond between first child and mother is always special, because you have so much alone time together, but you will always have that as well as another special bond between you and your next youngest. Beautiful story Bizzy! Thanks ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 10:13am
Haha, love it. I still have those days  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Kellyfer wrote:Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:03pm
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Karen when I got pregnant with Bella I felt sooo un attached from her/(it at the time lol) and I didnt enjoy my pregnancy I wasnt really excited and I also worried that I wouldnt love her as much as I love Caden..
But man, that moment when I laid eyes on my daughter was so awesome I felt the exact same rush of love and I love them both so much, they are my world. Dont worry, you WILL love them both the same hun *hugs* ------------- |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:19pm
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Aaaww thanks Sheena (and everyone else). It's such a weird feeling...to be excited to be pg again but worried about the love thing...not to mention the How The Hell Am I Going to Cope thing lol. I wonder if my feelings haven't been helped by people in general (incl family) being suprised we're having another so close in age? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:30pm
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Emmecat I'm the opposite, I adore my toddler but she was about 5yrs early and it was a rough start with colic, it took us a while to bond and connect. Now I'm concerned I'm gonna love and bond with this very planned wee tot from day dot, and while that is great I feel kind of guilty about it.
Stupid pregnancy hormones. -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: cealz
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:33pm
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OMG Bizzy, I feel stupid sitting here crying haha
Emmecat, I totally understand how you feel. The whole time I was pregnant with Clara, I felt no connection to her and at the end I was feeling so bad that I wasnt even excited about her nearly being here and worried I wouldnt love her half as much as Ruby. Now she is here I love her so much and I think I feel more connected to her than I did to Ruby when she was this young. You will be fine, there is plenty of love to go around all your children  ------------- 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:54pm
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Lol , softies, i didn't cry ...
Karen I felt the same, especially since Caitlyn had been my only baby for 7 years and we have such a close bond , I looked at her and could remember a zillion memories, this new baby I had none with and he was already luckier , he was wanted by all where as C hadn't been , so I felt a sense of protection for her every time someone mentioned the growing baby , I would mention Caitlyn , And then I used to lie in the bath and will the baby to kick me or roll around , or do something that made me feel more connected, I loved him, because he was my baby , but I wasn't besotted or excited about his every move like I was with Caitlyn . Then he was born , and his birth took me by surprise, I looked down and there he was this baby looking up at me begging me to love him ... and the world stopped , the universe stopped and the only two people that existed for those 2 beautiful minutes , was me , and my son ...and the love I felt for him was so overwhelming that I was nearly blown away by it, yet the whole time , I was still aware that I was a mum of two , I just knew that I didn't love him more , or less than Caitlyn, I just loved him wholly , fully , with no competition . And when C came in the next day I felt even more love for her , seeing her in her new role as big sister . So the answer is yes, you will worry that you won't love the new baby as much And yes, you will , when baby is born , it might be your second baby , but it will be as special as the first birth And you will love baby as much because a mum's love doesn't have boundaries and can expand to fit as many babies as you have and keeps growing daily ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kimnthekids
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 1:46pm
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Definate tear jerker - im a mess!
But good to hear as well.. its funny sometimes how you dont realise how worried you are about such a thing - until someone else says it. |
Posted By: Danash
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 3:03pm
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Sheesh, I'm at working hiding my face. That was so lovely Bizzy and so true. |
Posted By: kmarie
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:10pm
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That was so beautiful Bizzy! Although I have to confess to skimming through it a bit to avoid the tears as I think I would be more than a mess if I fell apart right now :P Just showed it to DH and he liked it too.
Emmecat would I be right in thinking your gap will be similar to ours - about 19/20mths? I can't believe how much Bethany has grown up and changed since I first found out I was pg. Like Clodagh, she's always been very much a mummy's girl, so early on I was quite worried about how she'll cope. She still is definitely a mummy's girl, but there's an element of independence that has grown and she totally dotes on babies, dolls, soft toys and anything snuggle-able. Now, one month away from bubs being due I can't wait to see her step into big sister shoes, cuz I know she's going to absolutely dote on her new wee bro or sis. We talk about baby all the time, she gives him/her impromptu cuggles and kisses, and I tell her about why the moses basket and capsule are out and waiting for when baby is 'big enough' - I'm excited and I honestly think she is too! Just to give you a hint of what is to come... here's a cute pic DH took on the weekend: 
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twins in heaven Oct07 Is 40:11 "He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 14 April 2010 at 7:10am
aaaaw Kristy that is such a cute photo!  I SO hope Clodagh will react like that and not think someone is taking her Mummy away from her IYKWIM? I think the age gap is similar to yours...about 18/19 months so yes we'll all be busy lol------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: kiwikid
Date Posted: 14 April 2010 at 9:52am
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*sob* *sob*
Everyone's comments have made me really teary, such beautiful words. On a logical level I've always kind of brushed it off thinking 'well of course I'll love future children' but the words of the poem Bizzy shared really touched the more intense mummy feelings I dont always examine day to day as I go about washing dirty nappies or cleaning up weetbix cement! ------------- 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 14 April 2010 at 1:42pm
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well said kiwikid... while i never worried about that everyone else i know who is/was preg with number two did and evey single one loved them just as much as the first one..it is very surreal being pregnant and esp before they get here you think..how could I love them as much but you do.. you just do. it's awesome:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |