Feeling cheated on!
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32724
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Topic: Feeling cheated on!
Posted By: babysblake
Subject: Feeling cheated on!
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:09pm
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I have just had a baby who is now 5 weeks old, and over the past two weeks my husband has been constantly trying to get me to have sex with him, as i am not ready and have told him this so many time i feel, in a way mean to him.
I have just found out last night that my husband has been getting txts from some woman, who is trying to sleep with him, these txts are horribly flirty and he seems to be enjoying every moment, i also know that one of my friends knew this was happening and didnt tell me anything, I am feeling that i have been cheated on as i am so stressed out with our new baby and dont have time for myself anymore not even to take a simple 5 min shower. My husband knows how i feel about this and just says im over reacting and that nothing has happened. he tells me im jealous and that i should get over it and move on, but how can i when some sl*g is trying to get to my husband. Please help me with this as its really starting to stress me out, im starting to find that im getting a bit snappy at times. |
Replies:
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:26pm
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I think you are justified in wanting to put a hold on sex for the moment, a new baby consumes a lot of your time and energy so it's understandable. As for your husband...I think that it's rude of him to talk to you like that and he should be supporting you reassuring his love for you. I would have him block this woman's number and cease contact with her and if he says that you're being overreactive then he obviously has little respect for you and your feelings. ------------- 
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:31pm
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Hmmm ...
While I feel for you and I understand how hard and hormonal it is having a newborn, your husband has feelings too .. and the texts probably make him still feel manly and wanted, the Dads tend to get pushed to the side when a baby comes along so he could just be a little lost (yep its like having two kids!) I personally dont see the harm in flirting as long as its just that ... I mean its you he is trying to have sex with, not the other woman. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:36pm
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BTW don't get mad at your friend - this is one of those situaitons where you don't want to be the messenger. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:52pm
I would be peed off too!! Of course in those sleep deprivated first weeks after baby is born, when ya feeling out of shape and emotional you may react differently BUT I think I would be totally peed off if my DF was receiving (and I assume responding??) to flirty messages at anytime... but esp when what ya prob need right now is support and reassurance... You probably need to have another talk with him so he knows how you feel and what you want from him...  ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:53pm
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My hubby just connected to an old friend who he liked on facebook. We share an email address so I saw it all happening and she connected to him first etc. No flirting or anything. I mentioned it to him one day that it is great he is friends with her but coffee or meeting in real life is something that would irk me. I have no reason not to trust him and I don't think it is a trust issue just better not to put temptation in the way.
I would not be happy with flirty text messages at all. Sit down and talk to him. Communication is key and if he understands how you feel in a non-judgemental/upset/sleep deprived conversation then he may take the initative to stop the texts. Around 6 weeks isn't there a big hormone surge too. Although I don't want to minimise it and blame it on hormones it maybe something that is not helping the situation. Some guys just don't get what you are going thru at the moment with the new baby, hormones and sleep deprivation etc. How would they as they are not experiencing it like we do. (think back to your friends complaining about the sleepless nights and you just nodding and smiling not really being able to empathise until now) He won't "just know" whats going on with you at the moment. Tell him about it openly and not in a confrontational way. Communicate- it really is the best medicine. |
Posted By: babysblake
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 1:59pm
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I want to trust my husband but its hard when you know he has done this sort of thing before. I have told him that i dont want him messaging this girl and gets mad if i read his txts but he is always trying to hide his phone from me and is sneaking around which is making it harder for me to trust him. especially when he is telling his mates about the problems that we having about the whole SEX thing.
As for him getting pushed to the side if anything i am wanting that SOB to buck up and start to be a father, we are only young (23) but thats no excuse to act like this, |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 2:00pm
i agree with that.. also the fact that he hasnt done anything other than text flirt should mean something. for men sex is affection, they see it very differently from women. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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lilfatty wrote:Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 2:24pm
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It is very difficult to give advice in a situation like this when you only hear the one side of the story.
I mean for instance if my hubby ever did this to me I would seriously sit him down and have a huge talk. I would also be very very hurt that he can do something like that. If however he came to me and said look here this is what I am receiving then fine. But if he was enjoying it I will be peeved. However in saying the above if he was not getting attention from me for months then I would understand why he will go look for it elsewhere. Or at least welcome it from someone. (I am not saying this make it right however). It is very very hard on a partner when you have a baby. First you get pregnant. Then you go through all this hormones. And lets face it at times a pregnant woman is not the most joy to have around in regards to moodswings. Some go through stage of being very affectionate while others dont want any of that side. Then baby comes and you are so so tired and all you want is sleep when you can get it. And when you dont sleep you are so in love with your baby. Mostly it is very difficult to give that baby up to Dad so they get involved as well. So not knowing background things here. Sit him down. Talk to him. Not accusing ect. Just talk to him. Tell him that you are feeling sad and hurt by this sms's and whatever. That you are feeling tired. And talk to him about his side too. That you can understand he has feelings and needs and then both of you come up with a plan to go forward. From what you said it seems he is trying to connect and sometimes the only way they know that is sex. If it is that you are tired. Then get him to help out. If it is that you want romance. Or if you really just want it right now connect in a different way. Get someone to watch bubs for an hour while you take a walk with him. If you cant part with bubs (I really couldnt in the beginning) then bake something or get his favourite beer or put a love note in with his lunch. I did ask hubby a while ago why it is that he never really pressured me into having sex right after the birth of both kids. First time he said I had a c-section so therefore he wanted to make sure everything was really fine. Second time with the natural he knew it freaked me not being prepared for the natural so he was giving me time. But here is the biggest reason. He told me he knew that I loved him and that I was still making time for him and didnt push him aside. He was very involved with both babies (not as much however with the second.). And I still went up and gave him hugs and kisses and just cuddling up. Okay that was now just way too long.  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 2:27pm
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I see you have trouble getting him to be a Dad. Simple. Hand baby to him and tell him I am going to take a bath. you watch bubs.
Or when it is bathtime for baby. Call him over and tell him it is his turn. Seriously sometimes you just dont ask. You just hand over. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 2:59pm
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Texts can be harmless...but Flirty texting is how I got DP, who was involved already with someone else...so just be weary. But yea sit down with him and try and get him to shed light on the situation. -------------
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 4:00pm
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i agree with freckle.. no need for txts like that and esp at a time when you need support:( hugs... i wouldnt do it so i wouldnt expect my DH to do it. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 6:15pm
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I had a similar thing happen when DS was 3 months old. Nothing happened but DH said he was craving the attention that he hadnt had for awhile. (had a loong sickly pregnancy too and I probably didnt cope to well with a new baby with no family support).
Anyway, SMoody nailed it on the head for my situation. Try and talk to him about it and let him know how you are feeling about being a new mum too. Ours snowballed out of control as I got really resentful and took it out on DH which made matters worse and it has taken a long time to get back on track. Try not let it get that bad.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 7:46pm
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Im with Smoody also. too many times we wait for our men to offer help or offer to do stuff etc but they arent mind readers and even though we like to wait for them to offer cos they want to, they generally wont so you just gonna get stressed etc. I have found since asking DH or even making a list of things i want help with it makes it easier for him to know what i need help with and what he can do etc(ok there still is nagging involved at times also)
As for the texts Im with Elfsmum, i wouldnt do it to him therefore i wouldnt expected it to be done to me, definetly not a basis for a good relationship if thats going on. having a baby is a hard enough time as it is without having to worry about other things etc |
Posted By: music_mummy
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 8:41pm
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I would be pissed off if my DH even thought about responding to texts like that.
A husband and wife need to be there for each other no matter how tough the situation (for better or for worse) My DH didn't get sex for about 6 months after DD1 was born and it didn't affect how much he helped with the baby or how much he loved me. He certainly suggested it would be nice for a little bit before then but he never pressured me at all. I feel that is total respect from him. I think that if the only way he can feel happy is to have sex then perhaps he needs to look at the reasons he married you in the first place. I'm sure there is more to your relationship then just sex. Having a new baby totally turns your relationship on it's head and it will never be the same again, but that's not a bad thing. Of course you feel emotional! You are sleep deprived, trying to get your head around this new little person in your life and it's times like this you need to stick together. And it's not easy, DH and I have certainly had our moments in sleep deprived states. You definitely need to tell him that you are not comfortable with the texts. With him being so secretive about it makes him seem even more guilty. Even if there is nothing happening I believe it is inappropriate to be responding to those sorts of texts when you are a married man. -------------   
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 8:42pm
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wow!!! Id be very very pissed off with my DH!! I dont agree with a few posts in here...yeah men have needs to but getting txts from some women while your wife has just had your baby aint on, sorry!
5 weeks is still so early, and having a newborn is hard work and sex is the last thing on most peoples minds! I would be very very hurt if some sl*g was trying to get into my DH just after I had a baby, and have him tell me to get over it and that Im jealous! GRRR ------------- |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 8:45pm
i agree with Sheena!!! i totally think its inapropriate to be getting flirty texts!
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 9:24pm
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*hugs* you poor thing , you're probably feeling unattractive , hormonal and lacking in confidence right now, I know I do 5 weeks after giving birth , the last thing I feel like is sex, I didn't open shop again til Ty was 3months so I think you are perfectly justified in feeling this way , I think your husband , needs or not , should be told to be more supportive and cut you some slack .
Dh read this post over my shoulder and is a bit perturbed at the fact that I mentioned about our sex life, so for his sake , "I closed shop for 3 months but wanted to jump on him every time he walked into the room : *rolls eyes * ------------- 
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Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 9:24pm
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I agree with Sheena and BaAsKa here, I think its totally inappropriate.
If he is replying to these flirty texts he is encouraging her and that is just plain wrong for a married man IMO. Everyone likes a bit of flirty attention now and again and a little bit is harmless, but the fact that he is trying to hide his phone and sneaking around would not be acceptable in my marriage. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 9:37pm
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I didnt see the the bit about sneaking round, That just makes it even worse! That would also not be acceptable in my marriage.
*hugs* You dont have to have sex again until you are ready!! I waited 3 months both times and I had C Sections! My DH was understanding. Thought we did do other things, but not 5 weeks post birth thats for sure! ------------- |
Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 10:36pm
I 100% disagree with this! Not so much with how he might be feeling, but that flirting with another woman is ok. IT IS NOT OK!!! You are married, you have made vows to one another, and you need to protect that marriage. Anyone is capable of cheating when their relationship is under stress. So keeping a window/door wide open to inviting that in is just crazy. On the one hand, men do gain something emotionally when they have sex. They feel good about themselves when their sex life is healthy. At the same time, he should be incredibly understanding of your situation. Marriage is not about ME. Marriage is about GIVING and doing your best to meet the other person's needs. If you are in a marriage for what you can get, chances are it won't last long! While saying that, you must also take responsibility for having your own needs met, and sometimes that means having boundaries so you can take care of yourself. I remember the first 4 weeks of Nathan's life, I was recovering from a C-Section, had continued infections after post-op complications and feeding problems. I was exhausted and so was my husband and we used to just scream at each other. I remember it was such a blur of exhaustion. IT DOES GET BETTER, and you will feel like sex again when you start to feel human again. I remember looking pale, washed out, dishevelled, barely dressed let alone showered! I know what it's like. To be honest, your husband sounds a bit like he's just thinking about himself right now. At the same time, men go through a range of their own emotions in response to a newborn. They often feel left out, feel like their needs are being ignored, adjusting to the whole new lifestyle and your attention being taken away from him to this new baby. You need to have some understanding for that, but he needs to understand what you are coping with too. Talk to him about what you are going through and encourage him to talk to you about how he feels. But in no way should he be in contact with this flirty woman and continuing to text her. You need to be able to trust him - especially if this has happened before. And he needs to show you that he's trustworthy by being open with you. There is NO WAY that I would say that a flirting relationship with another woman while your relationship is vulnerable at a time when you've got a newborn baby is harmless. Be wise! Talk to him and set some boundaries - protect your marriage. Sorry for the long rambley post. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 11:14pm
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I am a sleepy zombie so I can't really think enough to say anything constructive.
But.. I 100% agree with all the people who disagreed with anyone who said flirty texts are ok. They are NOT ok. If he thinks he can get away with a few innocent text messages, he'll push the boundaries again and again until it's full-blown cheating. FFS, you've just had a baby and the last thing you want is someone sticking something BACK up there! In my case, I am so sleep deprived that I just cannot be bothered with sex right now but I know and my partner knows that it's not forever and when the sleep thing improves, your mood and energy levels improve and you might want to start doing it again. Don't let him get away with it! If my partner was texting women and flirting, I'd be livid and he would know that I was livid! Maybe he needs to erm.. 'take care of himself' and watch a dirty movie or two to take care of some of those 'needs'. |
Posted By: kriss
Date Posted: 08 April 2010 at 11:43pm
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Ditto to mamanee's post above!!
And all the best in sorting it out ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
 Little Angel, April 10
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 11:54am
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Golly gee ... flirting is just that .. and most people do it everyday without even thinking about it.
The man isnt going out seeking sex with another woman and to say that flirting ALWAYS leads to such things is just rediculous. IMO if a the man turns to another woman for comfort or to have his sexual needs met, there was something wrong with the relationship waaaaay before it got to the cheating stage. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:14pm
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mm , yes, I know im quite the flirt at times , doesn't mean I want to do anything with them , I just tend to have a flirty nature .
BUT there is a big difference between a few flirty texts back and forth and continuing to text knowing its upsetting his wife who is a new mother and most likely not feeling 100 percent just yet , and there is an even bigger problem if he is hiding the texts and lying and then instead of reassuring her is telling her shes being stupid . IMO its not so much the texts thats the problem , its the lack of communication and the lack of respect that is a greater concern . -------------
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:20pm
| I think there is a big difference between harmless flirting in person compared with flirting via text which is private. I flirt all the time with men, particularly at work, it's fun and harmless as it is done in public. DH does it as well and I couldn't care less. However I would never text the men that I flirt with, that to me is an entirely different level. LF, are you saying you wouldn't mind if your DH was receiving flirtatious texts from a woman? |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:21pm
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I think that sending flirty texts back and forth is overstepping the line (but I don't consider it cheating).
I'd be seriously unhappy if my husband was doing this and I actually don't agree with lilfatty that there has to be something else wrong in a relationship for a man to have his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere. Plenty of men have affairs simply because their sexual needs are greater than their partners and instead of being understanding, working through it or simply accepting less, they go somewhere else. In their minds the rest of their relationship is perfectly fine. |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:22pm
Totally agree Little Red & I am the same, perhaps a little flirty in real life but putting it in writing is too far IMO. |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:23pm
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actually , LR I agree, im flirty in person , but I don't think I could justify sending or recieving flirtatious texts from anyone but my husband -------------
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:23pm
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...and Johnny Depp -------------
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:28pm
absolutely DISAGREE in every way!! hugs though! i hope he realises how hurtful he is being with that behaviour and gives you the support you need!!
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:32pm
 
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Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 12:47pm
I am with you on this one Kelly! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 1:36pm
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I think flirting with the opposite sex when you're married is more harmful than you think. I think it's disrespectful to the person you are committed to and disloyal. If my husband flirted with another woman I would be dreadfully hurt. Thank goodness I don't have a husband who does that.
My friend had a husband who flirted with lots of women. They are now separated and she is alone with 3 kids while he's off with another woman. Let's not be naive or foolish - aren't our marriages too important to play around with? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 1:54pm
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Well, I can speak for myself , my marriage is the most important thing in my life, apart from my children , and when I say im flirty , I am , but with EVERYONE, not just the opposite sex ... -------------
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 2:01pm
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Ok I have been the married person with flirting txt's. I "met" a younger guy a while ago and we were for a stage just talking online, it progressed to txting and some of the things he was saying to me made me feel really good inside (due to lack of things from DH), and some of the things he said were wrong. We still keep in contact but nothing like what it used to be. There is no chance of us every meeting due to him being in the other island to me and if I did ever go to the SI I wouldn't let him know that I was there as I don't think I actually want to meet him. Talk to your DH, I did and he actually understood why I had done it. Don't go in all balls blazing it doesn't work, we get defensive and don't want to open up. If you want to talk more about it PM me and I can tell you what actually happened with us. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 2:14pm
I think you'll find we meant that we 'flirt' in an entirely different way to how you've taken it. Can't say I'm naive or foolish and yes my marriage is very important. |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 2:54pm
I agree! Txting is a different level as its too personal, publicly flirting MOST people do, my DH flirts with the chicks at his work, but I know he woudlnt never do anything other than that. But if I found out he had been txt flirting with some of them id be very hurt and pissed off, especially if I was still getting over having a baby! ------------- |
Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 3:38pm
And Jesse McCartney or Dan Carter........i dont hide the fact im totally in lust with those two people from my husband.........LOL
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 4:09pm
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She's flirts with me all the time. And when did you change your name Kelly? I missed that bit ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 4:17pm
Exactly Summerlamb! By the way is that a new haircut? Looking hot!
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 12 April 2010 at 9:22pm
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On the sex front, he shouldn't be pressuring you to have sex. Sure fire way to turn a woman off - pressure.
And the texting issue... if you aren't OK with it then it isn't OK. Its not about how other people feel, it's about how you feel. xo |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 12 April 2010 at 10:14pm
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Summed up well ,and oh so true -------------
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